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Old 07-12-2017, 05:48 PM
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New.

Hello everyone, I am new here and will slowly try and understand how this all works. I didn't really know where else to turn. My husband is an alcoholic (even though he doesn't care to admit it) and I am struggling really hard in dealing with the situation. It has been a constant struggle for us for the past 6 years. He has his good days (who would think a half a pint of vodka and a six pack is a good day) but honestly it is. He calls it his "don't get kicked out of the house kit", but he also has his really bad days too. I don't have meetings in my area and even if I did I honestly don't think he would support my decision to attend them. Not to mention I do not trust him alone with out children due to his drinking. I love the man but he doesn't seem to want to change. Any advice would be appreciated.
I also think it is important to mention that his mom is currently suffering from dementia due to her alcoholism and smoking. She also refuses to quit and he gets frustrated because "she did this to herself". I told him that I am not doing this twice because as mad as he is at her he is doing the same thing to himself.
Thank you everyone for hearing me out.
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Old 07-12-2017, 07:04 PM
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Welcome to SR, jswillis; so very glad that you found us.

I am from the Alcoholism side of the Forum but I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for what brings you here.

I am sure that members from the Friends & Family Forum will be along soon.
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Old 07-12-2017, 09:17 PM
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I am sorry to hear your story. My AW is a few months into recovery and the hardest thing is lost trust and fear. It is the fear of the future that was making it difficult, particularly with young children. Managing that fear via books such as Coming home to who you are - David Richo may be helpful. In the end in my experience a person has to hit rock bottom and want to change. I was a co-dependent to a degree and now see that as not helpful. Staying strong for the kids. Taking it one day a time blogging and reading on SR has helped a lot.

I hope things improve for you
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Old 07-13-2017, 08:11 AM
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Hello and welcome to SR. While this is not face to face support that you also need, it is a place of great support and healing! Read, and read some more!

I can only say that I understand. I stayed with my X husband for years, mainly in the fear that I was scared to leave my children alone w/him. While that was not he answer for me as we did eventually split, I can say before that, when I was married, I formed some boundaries for my own mental health.

One thing you pointed out is that you don't think he would be supportive of your going to a meeting. That tells me that he has some mental control over you.

I personally worked on the following things which helped me become stronger:

1. I stopped covering for him. No more lies about where he was or anything else. If I was mad and someone asked my why, I was honest, b/c my husband is drunk and I am having a hard time. It's very freeing to be truthful as addiction comes with shame and covering.

2. I took my children with me and had a life! Even if he did not want to do things, or if I felt he could not come and be sober, I did them w/out him. I took my kids on trips, events, etc. I did not stay home and miss out, I had done that for way too long.

3. I got myself a therapist that helped families with addiction. Not for him that time, but for ME. So that no matter what would happen in my future, I knew I would be strong enough to handle it for myself and my children. That is one of the best things I ever did for myself. I also got my children into counseling.

4. I went to Celebrate Recovery (similar to Alanon). Again, for ME. This gave me the face to face support from people who could truly understand that I needed. Eventually it helped me pay it forward by helping others there as well, which was rewarding to me.

5. While I did not do this until the end of my marriage, I wish I had done it sooner. I built up a nest egg of a little money and also prepared by having all records, birth certificates, etc out of the house in the even if we did split I would be prepared with all the documents and have some financial cushion.

6. I spoke to an attorney who is familiar with our family courts and judges to give me my rights, to talk to me about what I could expect should things go south. I did this actually a couple of years before we actually split.

Lastly, and most importantly, I began to put the focus back on ME and my children. I was so consumed with my Xhusband while we were married, for so long, that I was neglecting myself. My children need to see a stable mother who can make decisions in a calm manner that is best for them. While I am still a work in progress, I have made leaps and bounds!

I had to change my focus, to retain my own self and life outside that of the addict. I had to learn and educate myself on addiction. Read books. LISTEN TO OTHERS, and learn from them as well.

I hope any of this helps for you. Keep posting, you are not alone!
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Old 07-13-2017, 07:21 PM
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Thank you for your words. It is a difficult thing to deal with and up until this point I have been doing it alone. I was really happy to find somewhere that could help offer support. I have been putting back little bits of money here and there to prepare for what i fear is the inevidtable. I have already given him so much time and if there isn't ever going to be any improvement I cannot justify giving him another six to ten years. I feel like we won't make it to that happily ever after stage so even though it is hard I feel like leaving is the best part before I get too much older. I'm just not to the point yet. I need more money put back and to convince myself it is truly for the best and realize that he isn't going to stop drinking. "Rock bottom" was mentioned... I don't know if he will hit it soon enough to save our relationship.
When you do forgive someone and they do become sober how do you replace the trust or begin to see them as anything more than the alcoholic you have come to know? That is one of the hardest things for me. Even when he has a decent week and has less to drink I still see him in the alcoholic light and honestly can't stand him most of the time. Does the man or woman you once knew ever come back in your eyes? Again thank you so much for the support.

Last edited by jswillis; 07-13-2017 at 07:27 PM. Reason: Adding more
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Old 07-13-2017, 08:35 PM
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Js welcome, glad you found us. There are very few active alcoholics that admit to their disease and do something about it.

But does one really need the title?

Good for you for not leaving the children alone with a drunk. That is an accident waiting to happen. If you can see if the Alanon meetings have day care or confide in a close friend or relative to watch your kids. It's really nice to meet people who are just like you.

Until then keep reading all over this forum, it's a terrible disease that steals our loved ones and won't give them back. Education is power, the more you know where your future is going you can plan. I waited 34 for my addict to "get it" . It never happened for me, so 2 1/2 years ago I divorced him. Truly was the best decision I have ever made for me. Stick around, keep posting and asking questions, we are all here for you..
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Old 07-13-2017, 08:46 PM
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Another welcome here for you Jswillis. It does sound like you are one of this club . . . not a club anyone really wants admission.

My qualifier did finally figure out sobriety but I had left long ago so I can't answer your question about trusting a newly sober partner. There are a few here who have partners who got sober but I'm afraid to say they are a bit rare on this forum.

Kudos to you for putting some money aside. There is a saying: "Hope is not a plan." It sounds like you already know this.

Big hug.
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Old 07-13-2017, 10:16 PM
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Welcome to SR, js. Glad you found us here. I hope you can spend some time reading around the forums, and make sure not to miss the "stickies" at the top of the page.

When you do forgive someone and they do become sober how do you replace the trust or begin to see them as anything more than the alcoholic you have come to know?
Next, I just want to say that worrying about how you'll replace trust or see someone differently after they stop drinking is something you can totally put aside for now. You have no indication that he's actually GOING to stop. "Having a decent week" where he drinks less is nowhere near admitting there is a problem and taking action--stopping drinking, finding support in AA or another program, working that program consistently.

In fact, since alcoholism is a progressive disease, you can bank on things getting worse as time goes by. Right now is as good as it will ever be, unless and until he seeks recovery. Again, "seeking recovery" means ACTIONS, not empty promises or "trying to cut down."

You're doing the right thing by getting yourself set up to leave when you're ready. Keep making that plan and putting money aside.

Remember that even if he stopped drinking today and never touched another drop, you are in no way obligated to forgive him or continue the marriage. You have every right, at any time, to decide that done is done. You do NOT owe him a second, or third, or 5,243,987th chance. XAH complained to me that I "hadn't given him a chance." We were together for 21 years, married for 19, and he'd been lying about his drinking and pretending to go to AA for the last several. "Hadn't given him a chance"?

And finally, I want to say that forgiveness and becoming sober are not necessarily connected--many, if not most, of us have had to learn to accept "the apology we never got" and forgive someone who is still actively drinking. Forgiveness isn't about the A (or anyone who hurt us), it's for and about us ourselves.

I'll second the recommendations for Alanon. For me, Alanon and SR were a great combo, w/each having its own strengths. Try a half dozen different meetings, keeping in mind that each meeting is made up of individuals and thus will have a different flavor than other meetings. The meeting closest to you or at the most convenient time may not be the one that's the best fit. Reading some Alanon literature was helpful for me in understanding how their program worked.

And do keep coming back to SR. Read as much as you can around this forum, and post to other threads besides your own. Every single person's voice is important, even if all you can say is "That sounds tough. Hang in there."

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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