Needing support
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Needing support
I've made progress. I hired a lawyer and have paperwork in progress. Not far from officially filing!
I feel like I went from having an AH that I could at least talk to and connect with to someone that just hates my guts that I can't talk to at all. Despite him saying that he wants to divorce as well.
After I met with a lawyer he quit his well paying job for a part time job, minimal benefits, and significantly lower pay. It was unrelated to my filing, they had recently wanted him to commute 1.5hrs 5 days a week and he couldn't handle it. I'm freaked about how this will impact child support and spousal support (I make more $$ than him).
Then last night he had the kids (age 5 and 2). The 5 year old had class at 9 and I tried contacting AH several times before that and he didn't answer. Called school and they confirmed that he had not been dropped off. School called AH and couldn't reach him either. So I left work to go check on my kids. Arrived at house at 915 and both kids were awake, 2 yo still in crib calling for AH, 5 yo in 2yo room trying to entertain him, AH passed out drunk in bed. Not good.
So, I contacted my lawyer this morning about both above concerns and she set up a mtg with me for Friday.
I'm stressed about custody, I'm stressed about finances. I'm stressed about AHs health. And I'm exhausted dealing with AH.
At this point I just can't wait to get through this. I want nothing more than to be unattached to this situation. Ugh.
Any support, words of wisdom, etc encouraged.
I feel like I went from having an AH that I could at least talk to and connect with to someone that just hates my guts that I can't talk to at all. Despite him saying that he wants to divorce as well.
After I met with a lawyer he quit his well paying job for a part time job, minimal benefits, and significantly lower pay. It was unrelated to my filing, they had recently wanted him to commute 1.5hrs 5 days a week and he couldn't handle it. I'm freaked about how this will impact child support and spousal support (I make more $$ than him).
Then last night he had the kids (age 5 and 2). The 5 year old had class at 9 and I tried contacting AH several times before that and he didn't answer. Called school and they confirmed that he had not been dropped off. School called AH and couldn't reach him either. So I left work to go check on my kids. Arrived at house at 915 and both kids were awake, 2 yo still in crib calling for AH, 5 yo in 2yo room trying to entertain him, AH passed out drunk in bed. Not good.
So, I contacted my lawyer this morning about both above concerns and she set up a mtg with me for Friday.
I'm stressed about custody, I'm stressed about finances. I'm stressed about AHs health. And I'm exhausted dealing with AH.
At this point I just can't wait to get through this. I want nothing more than to be unattached to this situation. Ugh.
Any support, words of wisdom, etc encouraged.
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Sounds like you're just about in the same stage as I am right now (paperwork being gathered for divorce petition, AH living here and we have a young child, he blames me for his low
Self-esteem, hates my guts, I make more money, he has not contributed to household costs and school costs for almost two years, etc). I understand about the stress. I think that is why I was having a hard time moving forward for a few months, despite nothing getting better. Not sure I have great advice other than what is starting to help me a bit get through the stressful days -- which seem to be every day-- and that is to try to break things up into little manageable pieces, one small step at a time. My lawyer suggested that too, and to try and worry about one thing at a time. It's hard for me as I'm the type to try and think five steps ahead and anticipate the worst case scenario to prepare. But that also makes it hard to move forward, and I'm finding it helpful to make goals that are small. Also I'm trying to do at least one nice thing for myself a week (besides going to therapy). Hang in there.
Self-esteem, hates my guts, I make more money, he has not contributed to household costs and school costs for almost two years, etc). I understand about the stress. I think that is why I was having a hard time moving forward for a few months, despite nothing getting better. Not sure I have great advice other than what is starting to help me a bit get through the stressful days -- which seem to be every day-- and that is to try to break things up into little manageable pieces, one small step at a time. My lawyer suggested that too, and to try and worry about one thing at a time. It's hard for me as I'm the type to try and think five steps ahead and anticipate the worst case scenario to prepare. But that also makes it hard to move forward, and I'm finding it helpful to make goals that are small. Also I'm trying to do at least one nice thing for myself a week (besides going to therapy). Hang in there.
Last edited by Newlife17; 07-12-2017 at 06:01 PM. Reason: Additional info
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
As long as you don't have a custody/visitation order in place, I wouldn't allow him to have the kids until there is one. Confirm with your lawyer to be safe and ensure there won't be dire legal consequences, but in general as long as you aren't "concealing" the children you are likely to be on good legal ground.
Please be sure to document, in detail, any incidents like this, including witnesses (like the teacher, who can confirm the child did not show up and that you called, worried about it).
And don't let the fact that he might be angry about it derail you. If he becomes seriously threatening there are legal remedies (such as protective orders), but otherwise just expect him to be mad and let him BE mad.
Also, the court will "impute" income to him he is capable of earning, even if he isn't working. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you will get where you are going.
Please be sure to document, in detail, any incidents like this, including witnesses (like the teacher, who can confirm the child did not show up and that you called, worried about it).
And don't let the fact that he might be angry about it derail you. If he becomes seriously threatening there are legal remedies (such as protective orders), but otherwise just expect him to be mad and let him BE mad.
Also, the court will "impute" income to him he is capable of earning, even if he isn't working. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you will get where you are going.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 5
I'm sorry you are going through this. It seems like you have made the hard decisions already and good for you improving your and your child's circumstance. I haven't made it that far yet. I have had similar situations where I have gone to work and come home on my break and my husband is passed out on the couch with our two young children running the house. I have started a calendar that marks each day and action that took place on that day. We recently installed a security system due to some of the activity in the neighborhood. I convinced him to put one in the living room so I can monitor him throughout the day. It also provides video evidence if it should come to a custody battle when the time comes. Hang in there, just take it one day at a time... you got this!
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
As long as you don't have a custody/visitation order in place, I wouldn't allow him to have the kids until there is one. Confirm with your lawyer to be safe and ensure there won't be dire legal consequences, but in general as long as you aren't "concealing" the children you are likely to be on good legal ground.
Please be sure to document, in detail, any incidents like this, including witnesses (like the teacher, who can confirm the child did not show up and that you called, worried about it).
And don't let the fact that he might be angry about it derail you. If he becomes seriously threatening there are legal remedies (such as protective orders), but otherwise just expect him to be mad and let him BE mad.
Also, the court will "impute" income to him he is capable of earning, even if he isn't working. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you will get where you are going.
Please be sure to document, in detail, any incidents like this, including witnesses (like the teacher, who can confirm the child did not show up and that you called, worried about it).
And don't let the fact that he might be angry about it derail you. If he becomes seriously threatening there are legal remedies (such as protective orders), but otherwise just expect him to be mad and let him BE mad.
Also, the court will "impute" income to him he is capable of earning, even if he isn't working. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you will get where you are going.
My lawyer said by email not to let him have any overnights until we go to court. They go to daycare during the day. He hasn't been a jerk about it yet, but could happen that he just goes there and picks them up.
This imputing makes me feel better. Hope that it works. Just so frustrating.
Thanks!!
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by jswillis
I'm sorry you are going through this. It seems like you have made the hard decisions already and good for you improving your and your child's circumstance. I haven't made it that far yet. I have had similar situations where I have gone to work and come home on my break and my husband is passed out on the couch with our two young children running the house. I have started a calendar that marks each day and action that took place on that day. We recently installed a security system due to some of the activity in the neighborhood. I convinced him to put one in the living room so I can monitor him throughout the day. It also provides video evidence if it should come to a custody battle when the time comes. Hang in there, just take it one day at a time... you got this!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
A custody order establishes legal rights. Until you have one, you both have equal rights to custody of the children. He could pick them up from school or daycare without your permission and refuse to bring them back. A custody/visitation order can spell out any sobriety requirements or other measures for the kids' safety (e.g., supervised visitation). Basically, until you have orders in place, anything goes.
Your lawyer can give you more detailed advice.
Your lawyer can give you more detailed advice.
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Batchel I'm appalled by the fact that he was passed out drunk with 2 small children in the house. What if there'd been an accident or fire? I share your concern about letting him anywhere near the kids on his own.
Any chance he will acknowledge that he's not fit to look after them?
Any chance he will acknowledge that he's not fit to look after them?
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
I was in a somewhat similar situation, but with an older child. Just some quick thoughts here:
-Based on your situation, it sounds like filing and getting temporary orders in place as soon as possible is critical. If your attorney doesn't display urgency, you will need to stay on them.
-Due to the incidents leading up to my filing, my STBXAH agreed to the temporary orders so we didn't have to go to court to discuss. Maybe yours would take the same approach.
-Until the temporary orders are filed, don't let the kids stay with your
husband. Not sure what your specific situation is but if your relationship is decent, he could visit them in your home.
-Regarding school pickup, is there someone at the school whom you have a close relationship with and trust? Without disparaging your spouse, you could ask them to call or text you if he shows up at school.
- In addition to your journal, take photos whenever possible.
- One other thought, and it would be great if others would weigh in, if my children failed to show up at school and my AH were not reachable/responsive, knowing what I know now, I would call 311 and ask for a welfare check. I wouldn't wait until I could make it home.
I understand your stress, but I imagine how much greater it is when the children involved can't fully communicate yet. That's why temporary orders are job 1.
-Based on your situation, it sounds like filing and getting temporary orders in place as soon as possible is critical. If your attorney doesn't display urgency, you will need to stay on them.
-Due to the incidents leading up to my filing, my STBXAH agreed to the temporary orders so we didn't have to go to court to discuss. Maybe yours would take the same approach.
-Until the temporary orders are filed, don't let the kids stay with your
husband. Not sure what your specific situation is but if your relationship is decent, he could visit them in your home.
-Regarding school pickup, is there someone at the school whom you have a close relationship with and trust? Without disparaging your spouse, you could ask them to call or text you if he shows up at school.
- In addition to your journal, take photos whenever possible.
- One other thought, and it would be great if others would weigh in, if my children failed to show up at school and my AH were not reachable/responsive, knowing what I know now, I would call 311 and ask for a welfare check. I wouldn't wait until I could make it home.
I understand your stress, but I imagine how much greater it is when the children involved can't fully communicate yet. That's why temporary orders are job 1.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am going to say something that you may not want to hear, and it will be difficult. If you walk into a situation like that again, call the police, immediately. Your children were in danger. A two year old cannot be left alone w/dear ol dad passed out drunk. I would call the police and tell them you need their assistance extracting your children safely and request a report made.
I look back and there are a many times I wish I would have called the police.
I also think your attorney should see this as an emergency. If not, I would be rethinking my attorney.
Big hugs.
I look back and there are a many times I wish I would have called the police.
I also think your attorney should see this as an emergency. If not, I would be rethinking my attorney.
Big hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
It's hard to not feel like it's my fault. He was only drinking like once/month to a few times a year when I lived with him. Since I left it appears he had gone to more significant drinking likely back to daily or every few days. He is definitely worse since I left. Help.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, batchel. He's going to deteriorate whether you are with him or not. The only difference is if you have ringside seats for the whole ugly show or if you change the channel to something much happier and healthier for YOU.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
sooo,,,youve been goin over there,puttin a drink in an adults hand ,bending his elbow, makin sure the alcohol get into his mouth, holdin his mouth shut until he swallows?
lets revisit your 1st thead here:
He's always abused alcohol, which gradually turned into a nearly every day thing .....
he drank on lunch at work requiring me to drive 2 hours to pick him up.
About a month later he chugged hard liquor at like 9am, proceeded to work from home, and then drove to pick up the kids after stating he was fine.
might help ya to get out of denial about how much hes drank as iread some heavy drinkin in other threads of your, which seems to be either denial or minimizing it.
nope- you didnt cause his crap.
lets revisit your 1st thead here:
He's always abused alcohol, which gradually turned into a nearly every day thing .....
he drank on lunch at work requiring me to drive 2 hours to pick him up.
About a month later he chugged hard liquor at like 9am, proceeded to work from home, and then drove to pick up the kids after stating he was fine.
might help ya to get out of denial about how much hes drank as iread some heavy drinkin in other threads of your, which seems to be either denial or minimizing it.
nope- you didnt cause his crap.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by batchel9
It's hard to not feel like it's my fault. He was only drinking like once/month to a few times a year when I lived with him. Since I left it appears he had gone to more significant drinking likely back to daily or every few days. He is definitely worse since I left. Help.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
A couple of thoughts, from me as I go through similar custody issues:
Document everything. Email the school to follow up on your call on mornings when the kids aren't there. Take a picture (if you can stomach it) or passed-out ex when he was supposed to be taking the kids.
My understanding of custody where I live is that in the absence of a court order both parents have equal legal standing, but if there is are reasonable grounds to be concerned for the children's safety, that overrides everything. If you can demonstrate (pictures, text, whatever) that ex was so drunk in the morning that he was unable to hear or respond to a two-year-old, he was effectively absent from parenting and the kids were effectively alone in the house. That's a reasonable safety concern. I think you should have no qualms about keeping the kids with you. Ex may throw a fit, but that will happen no matter what you do.
Obviously talk to your lawyer about what the rules are in your jurisdiction, but where I am, it's clear that no law or court order requires that I put my child in danger.
Document everything. Email the school to follow up on your call on mornings when the kids aren't there. Take a picture (if you can stomach it) or passed-out ex when he was supposed to be taking the kids.
My understanding of custody where I live is that in the absence of a court order both parents have equal legal standing, but if there is are reasonable grounds to be concerned for the children's safety, that overrides everything. If you can demonstrate (pictures, text, whatever) that ex was so drunk in the morning that he was unable to hear or respond to a two-year-old, he was effectively absent from parenting and the kids were effectively alone in the house. That's a reasonable safety concern. I think you should have no qualms about keeping the kids with you. Ex may throw a fit, but that will happen no matter what you do.
Obviously talk to your lawyer about what the rules are in your jurisdiction, but where I am, it's clear that no law or court order requires that I put my child in danger.
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