Andagain

Hello everyone.

Where to start. Well, I've known I've been an alcoholic for about three years, after about two years of extremely heavy drinking, I went to the hospital with a health scare related to my drinking and I thought I was going to die. I vowed that day that I would quit.

It didn't really work out. I've been drinking heavily for between five and six years now.

Usually I don't drink every day. I get drunk one day, recover the next and the following day drink again and the cycle just goes on and on and on.

So last night I started drinking at about 1 in the morning, at about 9 I kept my balance while I bought another 8 cans of beer because I had promised myself so stop at the beer I bought and my punishment for that lie I told myself, as is the case on many morning, is to look at the old lad who runs the shop in the eye while everyone else is buying coffee and buy beer clearly drunk first thing in the morning.

I walked in, had a sip, threw up and just decided that enough was enough. I need to mean it this time. I'm scared about my health all the time, scared or cirrhosis, and one day it will kill me and if I put it off another three years will fly by and I'll still be drinking. Except fatter and more sad and more anxious and more desperate.

So, I went to sleep, woke up, feeling absolutely terrible. I don't want to ever feel this terrible again.

So yeah, day 1. Tonight my vice is a curry and a pepsi max. Hoping things get better.

CreativeThinker

Welcome to SR Andagain!

I know the feeling...it sucks! Take some time and read through the threads and stickys (at the top) here. There's a plethora of information and support from people who hold a lot of knowledge in how to recover.

Wishing you the best in your recovery journey.

Andagain

I think I posted this is the wrong bit, didn't notice the newcomers forum. Silly me =)

PhoenixJ

Welcome..andagain. Hope is one precept I work on. BUT recovery means active planning- doing stuff and having support for me. There is lots of info on making plans, relapses. how to keep occupied etc in the sticky's section of newcomers. I have an addiction counsellor for the booze stuff. Checkups with my doc (and yes that included liver...better to know what I need to do)-for physical health and monitor my depression. A psychologist- every few months to work on the past- the memories and reasons why I drank. AND AA (that dreaded word). Meeitng remind me of my commitment to not drinking- the physical commitment to going. It stops me isolating and besides- I learn stuff. Occasionally the rhetoric, clichés and one liner's get a bit monotonous, but hey, it is free and it gets me socialising and out of my head space.
These are mantra's that people carry with them to remind themselves of their commitment to sobriety. So I help stack chairs and wash dishes...some say it is 'service work' or the like. As I said- it gets me out of my head space....
So hope is good...but as my wise old gran used to say (another cliché) 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'.

Also SR has lots of different threads in the New/c's. Monthly classes 9for when you join), Whiner's Anon, 24 hour check in thread..
So again welcome! Today is the first day of the rest of your life. EMBRACE IT!

PhoenixJ

Oops the 'and again- welcome' was meant to be at the end.

Andagain

Yeah I'm trying to do this in a smart way, getting help for my mental health problems, gonna go to a meeting next monday (can't get to one sooner) and gonna head to the health clinic tomorrow for a chat with a doctor for starters. This is the only time I've done this seriously (even after I ended up in hospital from alcohol it only lasted a couple of days), I've said I'll never drink again thousands of times, but I know deep down I don't mean it and it goes with the hangover. Well the hangover is gone and I still want to quit for the first time. So I'm seeing it as a learning process. Just looking up a ton of helpful stuff around this site is giving me a lot more idea of how to plan stuff and recover in a smart, sustainable way.

D122y

And,

There is no mystery with what is going on with you.

It is physical and mental addiction.

If you are taking a drink and then throwing up, I am pretty sure that is close to the end. You can't live like that. Pretty much death is knocking.

I am no Dr. I saw that on a YouTube movie..... Rain in My Heart.

You probably will need medical help to not die or nearly die while detoxing. Again, my opinion. I tapered, but that is not a proven way to get down off the physical need.

I vote, see a Dr. Get some meds.

What is the longest you have been clean?

Thanks.

Andagain

I've gone a month each January as part of "prove to myself I'm not an alcoholic" yearly tradition and have been lucky enough to never suffer from serious withdrawals. I'll talk to my doctor about it, but I'm feeling fairly confident.

I know you mean well but please don't tell me death is knocking dude, I have general anxiety disorder and serious hypochondria, it's pretty much why I started drinking.

Dee74

I merged your two threads here andagain

I'm glad you've chosen change - I don't think it's ever too late to turn things around.

I got sober ten years ago - best ten years of my life

D

Andagain

Thanks Dee, I'm hoping to say the same in ten years =)

asixstringnut

Andagain

Welcome. I had quit for 21 days and picked up a drink over being mad at someone. So I am right here with you on day one again.
I also had some health scares about a year ago and I keep trying to quit. I am great at quitting but not so hot at staying quit.

Hang close to the group here. Lots of wonderful people on here wanting you to make it.

asixstringnut

Verdantia

Hello, Andagain. This is a great place for advice and support and I am glad you are here. I guarantee that if you don't drink again things will get better. I well know the feeling of buying a 4-pack of 16oz high-alcohol ales to guzzle before work in the morning and seeing the knowing eyes of the clerk. I was so far gone I didn't care, though. It was a demoralizing, hellish existence and I cherish my 19 months of sobriety. Wishing you all the best in your sober journey.

Hevyn

It's great to have you with us, Andagain. SR helped me find the courage to change my life, after drinking for decades. We all understand.

Andagain

Yeah, it's learning to stay quit. I know this is the easy part, my head hurts, I still have the memories fresh in my head. My first challenge will be when I'm feeling ok, that's where I fall down. That's when the part of me that wants to drink lies to me and says it will be fine. I need to remember that voice is not my friend.

Andagain

Oh man the morning trip to the shops is so painful. I just remembered babbling incoherently at a guy who wanted a lighter. I need to keep these memories in my head though, so I don't forget what this poison has done to me.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope the awesome support here can help you get sober for good.

tealily

Welcome, Andagain. So glad you are here. When that voice pops up again, tell it it's a lie. And come to post here and read some more. This is a great place with lots of smart, experienced people. You've taken a great new step of posting. Make this be the time you turn the corner!

D122y

And,

Sorry if I scared you. I posted what I did because I am scared for you.

I imagined you drinking a large glass,of wine and immediately purging it. Then doing it again and again. That was terrifying to me.

Glad you are seeing a dr,

I empathize w your anxiety for sure.

I feel stress too now, but not like the first few months of my sobriety.

I heard about stress at levels higher than I felt. Stress that causes long term digestion issues and routine crippling,to your knees, panic attacks.

Seems like I overreacted.

Hope you can forgive me.

Thanks.

Delilah1

Welcome Andagain, glad you are here!

Andagain

No worries D122y, I could tell it came from a place of concern =)I appreciate it.