Even on the lousiest of days, it's better...
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Even on the lousiest of days, it's better...
So as I creep up on 4 years of sobriety, I can honestly say things are much, much better in my life.
I'm still struggling with chronic, low-level depression and anxiety. I'm still sometimes really overwhelmed. I'm still sometimes behaving in 'addictive' ways with coffee and sugary snacks.
But on the whole, life is a million times better than it was back when I was 39 and blackout drinking every day. Or when I was 29 and not blackout drinking every day - but was partying every week, drugging and drinking enough that it was the core of my life, blacking out from time to time, sometimes waking up in Jail. Or when I was 19 and not even drinking every week.... but certainly drinking hard when I did drink and obliviously cruising toward deeper and deeper addiction in my patterns of use, my habits and my approach to dealing with life. Or even perhaps when I was 9 and dealing with the fallout of childhood trauma and probably early stages of depression and anxiety and other issues that went simply diagnosed as "ADD" and / or just 'behavioral problems".
Yes, indeed, in many ways my life is the best it's ever been!! I have financial stability. I have a fantastic partner in life. My wife and I have a beautiful 4 month old baby and are excellent co-parents for her 16 year old son and my other two daughters (7 and 10). We have piles of stuff all over and haven't kept up with cleaning or commitments lately but we have a new baby, we've gone on vacation, we've traveled to visit family, have a second home (bought a vacation home last year). This morning I went for a run and watched the sunrise and it was just glorious and despite a slight edge of anxiousness and dread that seems to be always with me - still my life is absolutely awesome in comparison to the days behind me when alcohol and drugs were a constant cloud over it.
If you're just setting out to embrace sobriety, or if you're sober for a while now and sometimes find your resolve faltering - I hope that my experience can offer you some inspiration.
Sobriety isn't perfection..... but it is more perfect than I ever imagined.
I'm still struggling with chronic, low-level depression and anxiety. I'm still sometimes really overwhelmed. I'm still sometimes behaving in 'addictive' ways with coffee and sugary snacks.
But on the whole, life is a million times better than it was back when I was 39 and blackout drinking every day. Or when I was 29 and not blackout drinking every day - but was partying every week, drugging and drinking enough that it was the core of my life, blacking out from time to time, sometimes waking up in Jail. Or when I was 19 and not even drinking every week.... but certainly drinking hard when I did drink and obliviously cruising toward deeper and deeper addiction in my patterns of use, my habits and my approach to dealing with life. Or even perhaps when I was 9 and dealing with the fallout of childhood trauma and probably early stages of depression and anxiety and other issues that went simply diagnosed as "ADD" and / or just 'behavioral problems".
Yes, indeed, in many ways my life is the best it's ever been!! I have financial stability. I have a fantastic partner in life. My wife and I have a beautiful 4 month old baby and are excellent co-parents for her 16 year old son and my other two daughters (7 and 10). We have piles of stuff all over and haven't kept up with cleaning or commitments lately but we have a new baby, we've gone on vacation, we've traveled to visit family, have a second home (bought a vacation home last year). This morning I went for a run and watched the sunrise and it was just glorious and despite a slight edge of anxiousness and dread that seems to be always with me - still my life is absolutely awesome in comparison to the days behind me when alcohol and drugs were a constant cloud over it.
If you're just setting out to embrace sobriety, or if you're sober for a while now and sometimes find your resolve faltering - I hope that my experience can offer you some inspiration.
Sobriety isn't perfection..... but it is more perfect than I ever imagined.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Thanks for a wonderful post, Owl. 
It makes me happy to read of your contentment & hopes for the future. To think we clung to alcohol to 'make' us less depressed. For a long time I actually believed it was helping me cope. I'm so glad we know better now.
It makes me happy to read of your contentment & hopes for the future. To think we clung to alcohol to 'make' us less depressed. For a long time I actually believed it was helping me cope. I'm so glad we know better now.
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,983
your post sounds like a gratitude list ... thats great !
gratitude being the hot knife thru butter of resentments which the book says is our #1 offender
resentments that destroy more alcoholics than anything else
very true for me
gratitude being the hot knife thru butter of resentments which the book says is our #1 offender
resentments that destroy more alcoholics than anything else
very true for me
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
Thanks Owl! So inspiring. And great timing. I relapsed, and am struggling to get back on track. I have not come on here because of the shame. But I will pull this thread up next time I want a drink to help with my anxiety.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: London Ontario
Posts: 113
I am prepared to deal with panic attacks. I will almost welcome them...provided they aren't alcohol induced. Which is basically my whole life right now. I'm happy to read this and know that even the worst sober days are better then the best drunk days. Thank you.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Yeah I said I was living the dream in another post and I'm not sure everyone believed me LOL
I still have issues, problems and worries - my life is not perfect - but I'm happy I'm content and at peace, and I look forward to every new day.
That's something I never had as a drinker (or an adult).
Thanks for a great post FreeOwl
D
I still have issues, problems and worries - my life is not perfect - but I'm happy I'm content and at peace, and I look forward to every new day.
That's something I never had as a drinker (or an adult).
Thanks for a great post FreeOwl
D
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
It sounds like sobriety suits you pretty darn good FO, I'm glad you've been able to accomplish the things you have and greatly improve your quality of life. Its what its all about right?
I occasionally still navigate some rough waters, but for the most part I feel I've got some pretty solid building blocks in place. Lots left to do though, lots.
I occasionally still navigate some rough waters, but for the most part I feel I've got some pretty solid building blocks in place. Lots left to do though, lots.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
FreeOwl,
Thank you so much for this inspiring, uplifting post. So happy for you! Congratulations on your new baby and the peaceful, joyful life you've created! I hope you can get an answer for the depression and anxiety. I know how hard that can be.
Wishing you continued serenity and all good things!
Thank you so much for this inspiring, uplifting post. So happy for you! Congratulations on your new baby and the peaceful, joyful life you've created! I hope you can get an answer for the depression and anxiety. I know how hard that can be.
Wishing you continued serenity and all good things!
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Hey, Owl! Thank you for a wonderful and meaningful post. I really get this-my life is not perfect but compared to where it was 18 months ago it is a paradise, and there is no situation that alcohol will not make 100 times worse. I had another sober birthday today and it was wonderful. I thought of how horrible I would have felt if I were drinking and felt such gratitude for my sobriety. Congratulations on your new baby and best wishes to you and your family.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
thanks all!!
Most days I still wake to a sense of dread. I feel a little low energy, a little unmotivated.
I'm sure I've struggled with depression for a long time and that was tied to my alcohol and drug addictions.
I see beyond it now to gratitude and joy and fun and happiness.... even when I feel glum and anxious. It's really an odd paradox.
I'm consulting with my doctor and therapist and considering a low dose of an anti-depressant to see how that impacts my life. While manageable, I have become more and more aware that my life - even when happy - is lived with the burden of a weight and a worry and a sense of something still not in alignment. I've long rationalized that as just being human. Yet the more I've read and the more I've experienced and learned and seen in others, the more I sense that's not just 'how it is' and that sometimes we who had childhood trauma, longstanding depression issues, longstanding chemical abuse - actually also may have a physical and chemical condition that needs to be addressed as part of our recovery and growth.
Anyway.... at this point it's still a consideration and a discussion and it's making me aware that I spend a lot of time focused on the positive, and believing in the positive, and SEEING and even feeling the positive - even when the feeling of dread and despair and anxiety is there.
The point of my post was to give hope and provide my experience as inspiration - but also to be honest that while my life is thousands of times better, and while I'm happy and grateful and surrounded with richness...... I still have lousy days and even MOST days have an edge of something I can't really define but which I have to work to stave off and stay in the positive.
Will let you know how that goes - but for now, again, thanks for the feedback and I absolutely LOVE how much richer, deeper, better my life is for having embraced sobriety.
Most days I still wake to a sense of dread. I feel a little low energy, a little unmotivated.
I'm sure I've struggled with depression for a long time and that was tied to my alcohol and drug addictions.
I see beyond it now to gratitude and joy and fun and happiness.... even when I feel glum and anxious. It's really an odd paradox.
I'm consulting with my doctor and therapist and considering a low dose of an anti-depressant to see how that impacts my life. While manageable, I have become more and more aware that my life - even when happy - is lived with the burden of a weight and a worry and a sense of something still not in alignment. I've long rationalized that as just being human. Yet the more I've read and the more I've experienced and learned and seen in others, the more I sense that's not just 'how it is' and that sometimes we who had childhood trauma, longstanding depression issues, longstanding chemical abuse - actually also may have a physical and chemical condition that needs to be addressed as part of our recovery and growth.
Anyway.... at this point it's still a consideration and a discussion and it's making me aware that I spend a lot of time focused on the positive, and believing in the positive, and SEEING and even feeling the positive - even when the feeling of dread and despair and anxiety is there.
The point of my post was to give hope and provide my experience as inspiration - but also to be honest that while my life is thousands of times better, and while I'm happy and grateful and surrounded with richness...... I still have lousy days and even MOST days have an edge of something I can't really define but which I have to work to stave off and stay in the positive.
Will let you know how that goes - but for now, again, thanks for the feedback and I absolutely LOVE how much richer, deeper, better my life is for having embraced sobriety.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 90
Thank you so much for sharing. The positivity in your message is such welcome encouragement at this early stage of my sobriety journey, and reinforces my resolve to long term commitment to a life free from the perils and troughs of alcohol.
Congratulations on your beautiful family and your sustained sobriety :-)
Congratulations on your beautiful family and your sustained sobriety :-)
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Eastern PA
Posts: 165
Thanks for this post Free Owl. After a lousy day at work, feeling anxious and stressed - this was the first post I read. I really needed to read and be reminded that nothing is worse than drinking again. 3 days till 8 months sober!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Love it, FO.
I like how you made your (concise) timeline. I relate to it. When I was 9, I was in the trenches of trauma, it was still happening, had been happening, and would continue to happen. When I was 19, I was not drinking even every week, but did start to have the moments where it was clear I had a path. That was when I first made a "no liquor" rule, because when I drank liquor, I blacked out, or worse, didn't black out but got so drunk I did terrible things... and remembered them. At 29, I was drinking alone, every night. At 39, I quit.
But when I was 39 and I quit, last year, I read many posts similar to this. I believed them to be true because I mean why would anyone lie? I believed that it was possible for me to achieve this sobriety thing too, but I couldn't actually imagine what you speak of, and what I now know. Sobriety sounded too good to be true for me back then. Like it's becoming an astrophysicist or something. I had to have "faith", something entirely not rational, to believe that I would, and could, get there. And the days tick by, and slowly, it comes into being, like all life that forms.
You were an inspiration to me last year, one of those people on here that held me up with your words like this, that you did it, you were going to have that baby, you bought a vacation house, you had this great relationship, you weren't perfect but life was a lot better, and I believed you. One day led to another and you were right.
Grateful for you.
xoxoxo
B
I like how you made your (concise) timeline. I relate to it. When I was 9, I was in the trenches of trauma, it was still happening, had been happening, and would continue to happen. When I was 19, I was not drinking even every week, but did start to have the moments where it was clear I had a path. That was when I first made a "no liquor" rule, because when I drank liquor, I blacked out, or worse, didn't black out but got so drunk I did terrible things... and remembered them. At 29, I was drinking alone, every night. At 39, I quit.
But when I was 39 and I quit, last year, I read many posts similar to this. I believed them to be true because I mean why would anyone lie? I believed that it was possible for me to achieve this sobriety thing too, but I couldn't actually imagine what you speak of, and what I now know. Sobriety sounded too good to be true for me back then. Like it's becoming an astrophysicist or something. I had to have "faith", something entirely not rational, to believe that I would, and could, get there. And the days tick by, and slowly, it comes into being, like all life that forms.
You were an inspiration to me last year, one of those people on here that held me up with your words like this, that you did it, you were going to have that baby, you bought a vacation house, you had this great relationship, you weren't perfect but life was a lot better, and I believed you. One day led to another and you were right.
Grateful for you.
xoxoxo
B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by bexxed 
Love it, FO.
I like how you made your (concise) timeline. I relate to it. When I was 9, I was in the trenches of trauma, it was still happening, had been happening, and would continue to happen. When I was 19, I was not drinking even every week, but did start to have the moments where it was clear I had a path. That was when I first made a "no liquor" rule, because when I drank liquor, I blacked out, or worse, didn't black out but got so drunk I did terrible things... and remembered them. At 29, I was drinking alone, every night. At 39, I quit.
But when I was 39 and I quit, last year, I read many posts similar to this. I believed them to be true because I mean why would anyone lie? I believed that it was possible for me to achieve this sobriety thing too, but I couldn't actually imagine what you speak of, and what I now know. Sobriety sounded too good to be true for me back then. Like it's becoming an astrophysicist or something. I had to have "faith", something entirely not rational, to believe that I would, and could, get there. And the days tick by, and slowly, it comes into being, like all life that forms.
You were an inspiration to me last year, one of those people on here that held me up with your words like this, that you did it, you were going to have that baby, you bought a vacation house, you had this great relationship, you weren't perfect but life was a lot better, and I believed you. One day led to another and you were right.
Grateful for you.
xoxoxo
B
I like how you made your (concise) timeline. I relate to it. When I was 9, I was in the trenches of trauma, it was still happening, had been happening, and would continue to happen. When I was 19, I was not drinking even every week, but did start to have the moments where it was clear I had a path. That was when I first made a "no liquor" rule, because when I drank liquor, I blacked out, or worse, didn't black out but got so drunk I did terrible things... and remembered them. At 29, I was drinking alone, every night. At 39, I quit.
But when I was 39 and I quit, last year, I read many posts similar to this. I believed them to be true because I mean why would anyone lie? I believed that it was possible for me to achieve this sobriety thing too, but I couldn't actually imagine what you speak of, and what I now know. Sobriety sounded too good to be true for me back then. Like it's becoming an astrophysicist or something. I had to have "faith", something entirely not rational, to believe that I would, and could, get there. And the days tick by, and slowly, it comes into being, like all life that forms.
You were an inspiration to me last year, one of those people on here that held me up with your words like this, that you did it, you were going to have that baby, you bought a vacation house, you had this great relationship, you weren't perfect but life was a lot better, and I believed you. One day led to another and you were right.
Grateful for you.
xoxoxo
B
AWESOME
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