How to stay strong? Should I stay strong?

Old 07-10-2017, 11:50 PM
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How to stay strong? Should I stay strong?

Hi.

I posted a couple of days ago about my fiancé revealing he had a meth addiction. I'd hoped rock bottom would make him see that he needed to change. It didn't, and he used again, so I called it off.

Since then I've moved most of my stuff out, I've cancelled our upcoming lease, cancelled the removalists, told his mum and best friend (who I was speaking to about it). I think it only hit him once he got home and saw everything gone.

He's really, truly crushed. On the phone he can barely speak through sobbing. It's so so hard. He tells me he loves me more than anything, that he'd do anything for me, that he'd quit and go to counseling and meetings and do weekly drug tests and whatever else I wanted. He says it's not worth losing me, that the emotional pain he's in makes him want to die. He says he's disgusted at the way he's acted and horrified by the things I've told him. He keeps telling me it wasn't him, that it will never be him again. He tells me how all he wants in life is to get married and have the life we'd always spoken about.

I believe his intentions are good. But they've been good before and he's gone right back on his promises after a few months. I know deep down I don't believe him when he says he'll never touch drugs again and I don't believe him when he says he wants to have a life without them. I wish I did! I WANT to believe him, but I can't.

I've told him my only hope is that maybe someday down the track he'll have gotten his life together for himself, and he'll prove me wrong, and things will be different. He can't accept the idea of doing it alone.

On the other hand, I'm staying with my parents and they are just livid with him. I get the impression that if I was to ever return to the relationship they would cut me out.

I hate this so much. Some moments it feels like it would be so much easier to go back home. But I think I'm doing the right thing? Am I doing the right thing?!
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Old 07-11-2017, 03:11 AM
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Ann
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I am so sorry for your pain, but you ARE most definitely doing the right thing, as hard as it is.

I believe his intentions are good. But they've been good before and he's gone right back on his promises after a few months. I know deep down I don't believe him when he says he'll never touch drugs again and I don't believe him when he says he wants to have a life without them. I wish I did! I WANT to believe him, but I can't.
This is how it is with addiction and it gets repeated over and over until we just know it isn't going to happen, no matter how sincerely said. They cannot promise themselves that they will never use again, let alone anyone else. It just drags you in to his hell and you can't drag him into sobriety, no matter how hard you try. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.

You are very wise to remove yourself entirely from the situation. Time and actions will tell you all you need to know. Words mean nothing at this point, no matter how sadly or sincerely delivered.

I am glad you have family to support you, emotionally as well as financially. They may seem harsh and unable to really "understand" but trust the clarity that they have, something you will find only in time and as you heal.

Stick around and know that you are not alone. This is a good place for support and to learn how it has been for others.

Hugs
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Old 07-11-2017, 03:37 AM
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I am sorry for what your going through. Its all very horrible. Words fall very short to describe it.

I'm not giving you advice. I'm just relating to you what I have been telling myself. I am currently trying my best to deal with it:

Trust your gut feeling & your head on this. The heart will try its best to convince me otherwise.

Watch for denial to sneak back in & try to take over. Be aware of the "oh its all not that bad is it?" stop that foolish thinking when it starts to happen. Step back look at the realistic big picture. Yes its bad!

I am sick with all of this just like they are. I know I need help.

This is not a happy healthy relationship. Its a complete mess & will always be that way. I want a happy healthy relationship. I deserve that in my life. My life will be wonderful if I find it.

Do not put trust in their words alone (or at all). Look closely at their actions. True recovery looks like recovery.

I am not alone. Its not just me. There are many others going through this at the same time as me. I have issues to resolve but I am not crazy.

I can continue to love her & care about her - but from a far distance.

Please take care of yourself.
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Old 07-11-2017, 05:20 AM
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Hi, bnegc. Welcome to SR.
Sadly, addicts will say anything to keep the status quo.
As others have said, actions mean something. Words do not.
If your SO wants to be clean of meth, he will do what he has to, whether you are with him or not.
You are well out of it, though it seems harsh now.
Peace.
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Old 07-11-2017, 05:38 AM
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You are doing the right thing. You can't help him get clean. There are so many resources out there for him if he wants it. Your plan of waiting to see is good. I would want to see at least a year of recovery. Try not to look to far into the future. No one knows what tomorrow holds. Your parents may not feel like that forever. It was very comforting to me to hear in Al-Anon, One Day at a Time and to just continue doing the next right thing.
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Old 07-11-2017, 06:30 AM
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Unfortunately, we all have another bottom and it is six feet in a hole. We all have intentions and our best intent does not keep us from picking up again in spite of everything. We just have to be done with it. I wish both of you the best, but he either will or will not quit whether or not you are a part of his life. It is a good decision to pull back from the equation.
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Old 07-11-2017, 06:31 AM
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I absolutely think you are doing the right thing. I also think you are extremely courageous and thinking with a healthy mind to have cancelled all of those things that would have bound you to him and his addiction. I think you are smart in not believing his words and only time will reveal his true intentions for himself with his addiction.

I can understand your parents being hurt, disappointed and angry with him, after all he deeply disappointed and hurt their child. I’m sure your parents understand that addiction is life long, there is no cure so it’s not like he can just go rehab and get fixed. The only fix for addiction is a persons deep desire to not use drugs/booze and to seek help to bring that about. Then they must re-commit daily for the rest of their lives.

He keeps telling me it wasn't him, that it will never be him again.
See that’s just it, yes it is him, he’s a drug addict and addiction is part of who he is whether he likes that or not. And addiction will always be part of who he is whether he’s using or not using.

One of our best tools when ending a relationship with an addict is to go no contact. Put lots of emotional and physical distance between you two. Allow him time to work on him while you heal from this.

It’s never easy to end a relationship it’s never a picnic feeling all of the emotions of grief but we do work our way through it and we do survive but living daily with an active A is a life of daily and constant grief with a dash of anxiety and a lot of stress.

Trust your instincts that YES you are doing the right thing!!
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Old 07-11-2017, 07:38 AM
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Addicts will say absolutely anything. I am sure he does mean it, but when the rubber hits the road, can he stay clean? Likely not.

Tell him to talk to you again after he has been clean for at least two years. AFTER, not before. That is where you will see truth. It's all about actions, not words. I caution you about the "rock bottom" theory. Many don't have a bottom. Addiction ebbs and flows, and can do so for many, many years.

He is not your responsibility. If we could love them clean, none of us would be here in the first place.
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Old 07-11-2017, 08:19 AM
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"He can't accept the idea of doing it alone."

And there's the heart of it. If he's going to recover, it's all him. He has to do it for himself...recovering for someone else almost invariably leads to failure.

You're doing the right thing.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 07-11-2017, 12:13 PM
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I hope you do stay strong. Watch what happens. You'd be amazed. We see more from a distance than we do when we're enmeshed.

I was sick to death with grief over having to leave my ex-husband. But after a while I started to see how he chooses to live, and what his priorities are. It helped me to let go. He is not someone I want in my life.

Big hugs.
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Old 07-15-2017, 04:12 AM
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Thank you for all your responses. When my emotions catch up with me and I start thinking about how much I miss home and the person he was I have just returned to reading your comments and they remind me why I'm doing this.
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Old 07-18-2017, 07:53 PM
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You said your parents are very concerned. Do you think your parents have reasonable judgement? I feel like a lot of times when our loved ones know a relationship is dangerous they are correct (not always because there are varied circumstances). My parents and all of my sisters friends (and me of course) disapproved of her relationship with her now husband for a good reason. He was a meth addict and his behavior was awful. My parents are very accepting so for them to disapprove is something she should have taken note of. She didn't listen. She never has and is very stubborn. She actually became addicted to meth herself. Life for her and her family has been quite miserable and it's gone on for about 17 years. Life is short. 17 years is a long time to be miserable and isolated. She has many regrets but she still sticks by him. He is a worse drug for her than the drug itself. Meth destroys things and nothing can be fixed until it is gone from their lives and even then it's still a long road to fix things inside.
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