What the H-E- double hockey sticks is happening??!!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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What the H-E- double hockey sticks is happening??!!
Well....so I sit here right now still in a little shock. I did not anticipate everything to go down like this and so fast. Here's my update...
My AH went on a massive bender and I called his mom (with little patience and not sure how-to handle him anymore) see previous posts. His mom came and took him to rehab. Fast forward 30 days. He's home and sober for maybe 1 week. The second week is a fast and steady decline. I called his mom again! This time I told her he had racked up $400 in a week (he has no job) and had left our daughter home by herself late at night (which is not the first time). His mom is now pissed! She came to the house (kids and I were gone) and Baker Acted him. Now she has put forth further action to involuntarily commit him for longer.
Here's my shock. I am ready to file, but i am having a lot of guilt. I feel bad for him. I told his mom I am not in a position to offer him any sympathy but that I didnt want him to not have anyone. That I didn't want her to give up on him too. I want him to get better at least for the kids. Do I continue with the divorce even though he is going through all of this and has no other place to go and no job? I just feel like everything has moved so fast! No I don't know what I expected. I feel guilty too that he was trying. That's more than some get to, right? Does anyone have a rehab/Baker Act story? Also any input on how to talk with kids. They are 10 and 8. We have been very straight forward with them. But my 10 year old son is so deflated right now. So disappointed in his dad.
Thank you ALL!😚
My AH went on a massive bender and I called his mom (with little patience and not sure how-to handle him anymore) see previous posts. His mom came and took him to rehab. Fast forward 30 days. He's home and sober for maybe 1 week. The second week is a fast and steady decline. I called his mom again! This time I told her he had racked up $400 in a week (he has no job) and had left our daughter home by herself late at night (which is not the first time). His mom is now pissed! She came to the house (kids and I were gone) and Baker Acted him. Now she has put forth further action to involuntarily commit him for longer.
Here's my shock. I am ready to file, but i am having a lot of guilt. I feel bad for him. I told his mom I am not in a position to offer him any sympathy but that I didnt want him to not have anyone. That I didn't want her to give up on him too. I want him to get better at least for the kids. Do I continue with the divorce even though he is going through all of this and has no other place to go and no job? I just feel like everything has moved so fast! No I don't know what I expected. I feel guilty too that he was trying. That's more than some get to, right? Does anyone have a rehab/Baker Act story? Also any input on how to talk with kids. They are 10 and 8. We have been very straight forward with them. But my 10 year old son is so deflated right now. So disappointed in his dad.
Thank you ALL!😚
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, LoveHurt. Sorry for your trouble, but glad you are here.
I would just sit and enjoy the non alcoholic peace and lack of drama.
It isn't your job to shore him up, as you surely know.
Mom did what she did, no going back.
Hoping time will lessen your guilt.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, but you probably know.
Peace and good thoughts.
I would just sit and enjoy the non alcoholic peace and lack of drama.
It isn't your job to shore him up, as you surely know.
Mom did what she did, no going back.
Hoping time will lessen your guilt.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, but you probably know.
Peace and good thoughts.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I don't know what to tell you, except that I don't think you can Baker Act someone just for being drunk. His mother did this, she did this for a reason. There might be many things that you don't know about him.
I would continue with the plans that you already had in place if I was you.
You have 2 children ages 8 and 10, and they are seeing the things going on in your hh. I didn't read your prior post, but if a mother will Baker Act her own son, I can't imagine you were having a good life. She probably just got sick of how he acts, and never gets any treatment. I'm sure she already tried her hardest. It seems like she is set in her ways to do whatever she can, I would leave her to that.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) take care of yourself and the kids
amy
I would continue with the plans that you already had in place if I was you.
You have 2 children ages 8 and 10, and they are seeing the things going on in your hh. I didn't read your prior post, but if a mother will Baker Act her own son, I can't imagine you were having a good life. She probably just got sick of how he acts, and never gets any treatment. I'm sure she already tried her hardest. It seems like she is set in her ways to do whatever she can, I would leave her to that.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) take care of yourself and the kids
amy
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I told his mom I am not in a position to offer him any sympathy but that I didnt want him to not have anyone.
1) If he truly "doesn't have anyone", who caused that to happen? You? His mom? I think the blame goes on HIM, don't you?
2) And he always has AA, the rehab folks, etc., to call on for help should he choose to do so.
He is not a small child or an animal being abandoned. He is an adult who apparently has enough drive and resources to rack up $400 of addiction-related expenses in one week.
I have nothing to offer on the Baker act question, but did want to try to alleviate your guilt over something that is not yours to feel guilty about.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Originally Posted by LoveHurt 
His mom came and took him to rehab. Fast forward 30 days. He's home and sober for maybe 1 week. The second week is a fast and steady decline... he had racked up $400 in a week (he has no job) and had left our daughter home by herself late at night (which is not the first time)... I feel guilty too that he was trying. That's more than some get to, right?
You have nothing to feel guilty about. I suggest channeling your energy toward what is best for you and your daughter since he is clearly only thinking about himself.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
It doesn't sound like he has any intentions of quitting drinking nor was trying. Lasting a week out of rehab and racking up $400 spent makes that quite clear.
There is nothing you, or anyone else can do to make him get sober. He was to want that for himself.
With young children in the picture, I think I would use this time to lawyer up and get yourself and your kids out of this situation so they can be raised in a healthy environment.
Maybe down the road if he gets his act together, he can be a part of your kids lives again, until then, run.
There is nothing you, or anyone else can do to make him get sober. He was to want that for himself.
With young children in the picture, I think I would use this time to lawyer up and get yourself and your kids out of this situation so they can be raised in a healthy environment.
Maybe down the road if he gets his act together, he can be a part of your kids lives again, until then, run.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
In my opinion, many times these 30 day rehabs are just not successful, and often they dont offer much medical/psychological support either.
But if his mom was successful in getting the courts to Baker Act him then hopefully he will get longer and more comprehensive treatment.
I dont think anyone can really make this decision for you. It sounds like you made a firm decision that the marriage was over because of how you stated you were ready to file. If thats the case, then while you may want him to get well, and be a father to the kids.. it doesnt seem like you want to be back in a long term relationship with him regardless of how treatment goes.
I guess I would think about whats best for you, the kids, and also for him. If he is going to need to find a new place to live, and develop a support system without you.. then now may be as good a time as any?
It sounds like his mom will remain a support. Have you discussed all this with her? Does he have other family? Is he currently on your health insurance?
It also might help you, and even the kids to consider family therapy? It might help with the transition, and be a safe place where questions could be answered about their dads health.
Sending my support because I know this must be very difficult.
But if his mom was successful in getting the courts to Baker Act him then hopefully he will get longer and more comprehensive treatment.
I dont think anyone can really make this decision for you. It sounds like you made a firm decision that the marriage was over because of how you stated you were ready to file. If thats the case, then while you may want him to get well, and be a father to the kids.. it doesnt seem like you want to be back in a long term relationship with him regardless of how treatment goes.
I guess I would think about whats best for you, the kids, and also for him. If he is going to need to find a new place to live, and develop a support system without you.. then now may be as good a time as any?
It sounds like his mom will remain a support. Have you discussed all this with her? Does he have other family? Is he currently on your health insurance?
It also might help you, and even the kids to consider family therapy? It might help with the transition, and be a safe place where questions could be answered about their dads health.
Sending my support because I know this must be very difficult.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
LoveHurt, i can only comment on one thing:
" I feel guilty too that he was trying. "
stop feeling guilty because he WASNT trying. he was in rehab for 30 days. then
"He's home and sober for maybe 1 week. The second week is a fast and steady decline."
he didnt use one tool he was given in rehab. he wasnt trying.
i have heard probably HUNDREDS of rehab stories- people who got out of rehab and started using the tools they learned in rehab to learn how to live life sober.
i have heard probably HUNDREDS of rehab stories- people who thought some magical sober dust was sprinkled over them and everything would be sunshine,rainbows, and unicorns. and when reality hit that life wasnt like and they CHOSE to drink again.
hopefully someone will be along to offer advise on how to approach the children.
" I feel guilty too that he was trying. "
stop feeling guilty because he WASNT trying. he was in rehab for 30 days. then
"He's home and sober for maybe 1 week. The second week is a fast and steady decline."
he didnt use one tool he was given in rehab. he wasnt trying.
i have heard probably HUNDREDS of rehab stories- people who got out of rehab and started using the tools they learned in rehab to learn how to live life sober.
i have heard probably HUNDREDS of rehab stories- people who thought some magical sober dust was sprinkled over them and everything would be sunshine,rainbows, and unicorns. and when reality hit that life wasnt like and they CHOSE to drink again.
hopefully someone will be along to offer advise on how to approach the children.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am quite surprised she was able to Baker Act him, and I would not expect for it to last too long. It's amazing how lucid they can be around hospital employees and the people who could actually help them. Each situation is different, but you hear that time and time again.
As far as his mom, you cannot control if she gives up on him or not. She, just like you, has done what she can. If he ends up with no one, it is by HIS OWN CHOICE. He has had every opportunity, including right now, to get help. Either he will, or he won't.
Your children need to be your #1 priority. I would get them a good therapist, along with yourself, and do whatever you need to do to protect them.
I say this with kindness because I know it's hard, but you are at a point that if you don't do something it is not only to your own detriment, but your children as well.
As far as his mom, you cannot control if she gives up on him or not. She, just like you, has done what she can. If he ends up with no one, it is by HIS OWN CHOICE. He has had every opportunity, including right now, to get help. Either he will, or he won't.
Your children need to be your #1 priority. I would get them a good therapist, along with yourself, and do whatever you need to do to protect them.
I say this with kindness because I know it's hard, but you are at a point that if you don't do something it is not only to your own detriment, but your children as well.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I believe you need to start having different conversations in your head with yourself. I agree with the others, NO he was not trying. He was in an environment where obtaining alcohol was not possible and he managed to not drink for 30 days. However, once he was no longer in a controlled environment he chose to drink. He’s not ready to stop drinking yet, this is the conversation you need to have in your head.
Did you offer him a drink to celebrate his homecoming? Did you pour the alcohol down his throat? NO, then the guilt you are holding onto has absolutely nothing at all to do with him and everything to do with you and your issues that need to be addressed and a recovery plan in place. Like Al-anon, therapy, counseling.
We never want to be the bad guy. We don’t want people mad at us. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We believe that somehow we hold some magical power that without us without our presents in their daily life they will hit bottom. And usually the sad truth is they hit that so called bottom while we were standing right there beside them and it didn’t make a difference.
Did you offer him a drink to celebrate his homecoming? Did you pour the alcohol down his throat? NO, then the guilt you are holding onto has absolutely nothing at all to do with him and everything to do with you and your issues that need to be addressed and a recovery plan in place. Like Al-anon, therapy, counseling.
We never want to be the bad guy. We don’t want people mad at us. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We believe that somehow we hold some magical power that without us without our presents in their daily life they will hit bottom. And usually the sad truth is they hit that so called bottom while we were standing right there beside them and it didn’t make a difference.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Do I continue with the divorce even though he is going through all of this and has no other place to go and no job?
yup. there is exactly ONE reason why HE is "going thru all this" - because he has refused to take the steps necessary to fully address his addiction. he's had chances. he had a loving wife who put with all kinds of crap, and two children who love him and for that love he stole money from them, ignored them, barely acknowledged their presence. and in fact left one of the minor children home ALONE while he went off doing whatever.
sympathy = zero.
yup. there is exactly ONE reason why HE is "going thru all this" - because he has refused to take the steps necessary to fully address his addiction. he's had chances. he had a loving wife who put with all kinds of crap, and two children who love him and for that love he stole money from them, ignored them, barely acknowledged their presence. and in fact left one of the minor children home ALONE while he went off doing whatever.
sympathy = zero.
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