First Post, So Confused
Newtongl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
First Post, So Confused
This is my first post. I have been looking for support online and found this and think it is just what I needed. I am currently separated from my AH. We will be married 24 years this month but have known each other since we were 15. I am now 53 so there is a long history. We have one son that is 22 and still lives at home while finishing college.
I always knew he had a "drinking problem" but never thought we would end up here. About three years ago he had to have a hip replacement due to alcoholism and since he was not compliant with the aftercare directions he ended up having three hip replacements (long story!) He started drinking more and more and was now drinking vodka but I was not aware for a long time. He would only drink beer in front of me. I started finding the bottles and confronting him and he used the pain from his surgeries to justify his actions. He was even drinking all day at work without getting caught. We fought about his drinking all the time and of course he would tell me that he wasn't and just get better a t hiding it.
On Sept. 29th of 2016 I was getting ready for work when he told me I needed to get him to the hospital because he was having severe stomach pains. I took him to the ER and he was admitted with alcoholic pancreatitis. He (and I) spent 6 weeks in the ICU. He went through severe DTs and the doctors told me he probably would not make it out alive. All his organs shut down and his lungs filled up with fluid. He was pretty comatose for the 6 weeks. I can't begin to describe the emotions. I was so angry, scared, sad,etc and most of all alone!! He made it through and got out of ICU. He came home on Nov. 6. They told him if he continued to drink he would most certainly die. He also had minor brain damage due to "wet brain". He came home and I completed all his paperwork for disability which he will start getting in October.
Of course I expected him to go to AA and live a sober life now. Once he became physically able he went to a few meetings. Then the lies started and he said he was going. He was back hiding his drinking agin. My son and I confronted him and of course he said he would stop....Blah blah blah. He didn't! I kicked him out of the house in May and he went to his best friends. However, the first night he came home drunk and I called the police since he left here driving. He was arrested for possession of marijuana but not DUI (police gave him a break (really???). He spent a week at his friends house on a binge and ended up back in the hospital. I forgot to mention that he now has to use a catheter every three days due to damage from the ICU stay. Anyway, his kidneys were shutting down. I went to the hospital and they told him again he was giving himself his death sentence. He moved in with his parents and started going to AA (for a while!). I got the call on June 22 that his sister caught him buying vodka. His parents put him in a detox for 5 days and gave him the ultimatum if he wanted to live with them. So, he is back going to meetings.
Now my dilemma: I have maintained contact with him but I know in my heart we can never go back. I will never trust him again and I want to rebuild my life. However, I just continue to reply to his texts (a couple a day) or talk to him when he calls. He stopped by today to get some more pants and I did not give him a warm reception. I feel in limbo. I am not ready to tell him that he can never come home even though I know that I will never be able to stay with him. Should I tell him now or just ride it out for a while? I am not giving him any ideas that he will be able to come home. I have always said from the beginning that he would have to be sober for a year before we even discussed it. I don't know why I can't make the break yet!
Sorry this was so long. There was just a lot that has happened and I wanted to make sure the back story was there.
I always knew he had a "drinking problem" but never thought we would end up here. About three years ago he had to have a hip replacement due to alcoholism and since he was not compliant with the aftercare directions he ended up having three hip replacements (long story!) He started drinking more and more and was now drinking vodka but I was not aware for a long time. He would only drink beer in front of me. I started finding the bottles and confronting him and he used the pain from his surgeries to justify his actions. He was even drinking all day at work without getting caught. We fought about his drinking all the time and of course he would tell me that he wasn't and just get better a t hiding it.
On Sept. 29th of 2016 I was getting ready for work when he told me I needed to get him to the hospital because he was having severe stomach pains. I took him to the ER and he was admitted with alcoholic pancreatitis. He (and I) spent 6 weeks in the ICU. He went through severe DTs and the doctors told me he probably would not make it out alive. All his organs shut down and his lungs filled up with fluid. He was pretty comatose for the 6 weeks. I can't begin to describe the emotions. I was so angry, scared, sad,etc and most of all alone!! He made it through and got out of ICU. He came home on Nov. 6. They told him if he continued to drink he would most certainly die. He also had minor brain damage due to "wet brain". He came home and I completed all his paperwork for disability which he will start getting in October.
Of course I expected him to go to AA and live a sober life now. Once he became physically able he went to a few meetings. Then the lies started and he said he was going. He was back hiding his drinking agin. My son and I confronted him and of course he said he would stop....Blah blah blah. He didn't! I kicked him out of the house in May and he went to his best friends. However, the first night he came home drunk and I called the police since he left here driving. He was arrested for possession of marijuana but not DUI (police gave him a break (really???). He spent a week at his friends house on a binge and ended up back in the hospital. I forgot to mention that he now has to use a catheter every three days due to damage from the ICU stay. Anyway, his kidneys were shutting down. I went to the hospital and they told him again he was giving himself his death sentence. He moved in with his parents and started going to AA (for a while!). I got the call on June 22 that his sister caught him buying vodka. His parents put him in a detox for 5 days and gave him the ultimatum if he wanted to live with them. So, he is back going to meetings.
Now my dilemma: I have maintained contact with him but I know in my heart we can never go back. I will never trust him again and I want to rebuild my life. However, I just continue to reply to his texts (a couple a day) or talk to him when he calls. He stopped by today to get some more pants and I did not give him a warm reception. I feel in limbo. I am not ready to tell him that he can never come home even though I know that I will never be able to stay with him. Should I tell him now or just ride it out for a while? I am not giving him any ideas that he will be able to come home. I have always said from the beginning that he would have to be sober for a year before we even discussed it. I don't know why I can't make the break yet!
Sorry this was so long. There was just a lot that has happened and I wanted to make sure the back story was there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
Newtong- welcome. Addiction sucks. People change. Your AH's story mirrors mine- excepting my coma in ICU was from accidental burns 9booze-blackout-ciggie-f/glass splint). Idid die- 3 times. I am now sober- so can qualify my words here. My family dso not talk to me- too much eater. My (soon to be) began divorce proceeding 9 months ago. I agreed to her requests and leave them be. My next older bro drank himself to death. As did my Uncle- in hospital, he was so determined to drink, they just let him drink whisky in the hospital - as he was there all the time in ER anyway.
I think hanging around and being nice will just make your final goodbye's worse. Addiction is not a logical illness- as it is both physical, mental and damages the soul. Nothing will help him if he does not want to help himself. Rescuing- equates to more drinking time.
I think hanging around and being nice will just make your final goodbye's worse. Addiction is not a logical illness- as it is both physical, mental and damages the soul. Nothing will help him if he does not want to help himself. Rescuing- equates to more drinking time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
COMPUTER IS OLD- IT POSTS..
al-anon may help you. I certainly think you need dome sort of regular support. To rebuild your life..alone at first perhaps..but with that will come new confidence. I have no wise words and would be a hypocrite IF I DID.
Stay safe, put boundaries into place- this time he wants clothes, next time a watch, or a document...anything for a connection- a roof to drink under. You need support on the ground -
al-anon may help you. I certainly think you need dome sort of regular support. To rebuild your life..alone at first perhaps..but with that will come new confidence. I have no wise words and would be a hypocrite IF I DID.
Stay safe, put boundaries into place- this time he wants clothes, next time a watch, or a document...anything for a connection- a roof to drink under. You need support on the ground -
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
see- did it again. It is not me- it is the computer's fault.
Yes- support..SR is great for me in the hours of darkness- at 0300. But f2f, talking and sharing..al-anon is a goods place to start.
My empathy, compassion and prayers to you. My prayers to your AH.
Yes- support..SR is great for me in the hours of darkness- at 0300. But f2f, talking and sharing..al-anon is a goods place to start.
My empathy, compassion and prayers to you. My prayers to your AH.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by Newtongl555 
I am not ready to tell him that he can never come home even though I know that I will never be able to stay with him. Should I tell him now or just ride it out for a while? I am not giving him any ideas that he will be able to come home. I have always said from the beginning that he would have to be sober for a year before we even discussed it. I don't know why I can't make the break yet!
Newtongl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
PhoenixJ Thank you so much for your insight. I agree that in the long run it would be easier on him if I just cut it all right now. Hopefully I will get the courage. Thanks for sharing your story with me and I am happy you made it out alive. I appreciate the rescuing equates to more drinking time! I need to remember that.
Newtongl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
Thank you Hearthealth! I needed to be reminded that it is okay to say no and should be doing it more often. I also agree about setting the boundaries. I guess I need to figure out what I need them too be and then set them with him.
You asked a really good question that really has me questioning why I can't tell him it is over. I have some quick answers such as I know how bad it will hurt him, his parents are old and they will be so upset, making sure this is what I really want, etc. However, none of these are really the truth. The truth is I am not sure why. I am going to spend some time soul searching this answer. I may not like what I come up with though so I'm a little afraid. I am not the best with digging deep in my emotions. I stuff it all in. Thanks for helping me reflect on this.
You asked a really good question that really has me questioning why I can't tell him it is over. I have some quick answers such as I know how bad it will hurt him, his parents are old and they will be so upset, making sure this is what I really want, etc. However, none of these are really the truth. The truth is I am not sure why. I am going to spend some time soul searching this answer. I may not like what I come up with though so I'm a little afraid. I am not the best with digging deep in my emotions. I stuff it all in. Thanks for helping me reflect on this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Newtong.
Welcome to SR. Glad you found us.
I'm not sure what purpose is served by waiting to tell your husband that you are done.
I don't think he will be that surprised, do you?
Where I see an issue is that he does not appear to be a healthy guy, and he may not want you to leave because he needs your help.
That will likely be a hard conversation to have.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Welcome to SR. Glad you found us.
I'm not sure what purpose is served by waiting to tell your husband that you are done.
I don't think he will be that surprised, do you?
Where I see an issue is that he does not appear to be a healthy guy, and he may not want you to leave because he needs your help.
That will likely be a hard conversation to have.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Last edited by Maudcat; 07-10-2017 at 06:42 PM. Reason: misspelling
Newtongl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
Thank you Maudcat! I'm sure that is part of my reason for delaying. He is not healthy and if he goes back to alcohol I know he will die. Sometimes I just wish I could keep him as my best friend. I've known him almost 40 years and letting that friendship go is almost harder than my marriage.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
It sounds like you and everyone else close to him have exhausted every effort you can, but unfortunately far too often alcoholics would rather lose everything and literally drink themselves to death, then to get their acts together and get their lives back on track.
I think minimizing contact would be a good idea, also get his things out of the house so there is no reason to come by. Attending alanon also would be a very good idea to help.
I think minimizing contact would be a good idea, also get his things out of the house so there is no reason to come by. Attending alanon also would be a very good idea to help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
My now exah nearly died several times, including cpr twice in one weekend, being diagnosed with liver and pancreatic failure and continuing to drink as soon as he got out of hospital on every single occasion. He has wet brain which made any conversations even more difficult.
We were married 20 years and I was 53 when we split up for good tho we lived separately in the same house for financial reasons since 2009. We have 8 children ( 2 are his, one adopted, the other 5 step children he has been with since they were tiny) but since the divorce he has not bothered with any of them.
He left us and I allowed him back 4 times before I could cut the cord for good. I've been on this site since 2009 with a different username before and it was a massive help for me to see what needed to be done to get life how I wanted it for me and my children.
Now I am single. I have my two youngest son's living with me and my exah is still drinking and still in and out of rehabs, hospitals and seeing various consultants for his drink induced conditions. He also has this weird idea...even to this day...I let him down so don't expect your husband to "get it" if you try a reasonable conversation about why you are done. It will get twisted back on you. It is never their fault....not ever. For that reason I'd let a lawyer tell him. As for hurting him...what has he done to you for years?
We were married 20 years and I was 53 when we split up for good tho we lived separately in the same house for financial reasons since 2009. We have 8 children ( 2 are his, one adopted, the other 5 step children he has been with since they were tiny) but since the divorce he has not bothered with any of them.
He left us and I allowed him back 4 times before I could cut the cord for good. I've been on this site since 2009 with a different username before and it was a massive help for me to see what needed to be done to get life how I wanted it for me and my children.
Now I am single. I have my two youngest son's living with me and my exah is still drinking and still in and out of rehabs, hospitals and seeing various consultants for his drink induced conditions. He also has this weird idea...even to this day...I let him down so don't expect your husband to "get it" if you try a reasonable conversation about why you are done. It will get twisted back on you. It is never their fault....not ever. For that reason I'd let a lawyer tell him. As for hurting him...what has he done to you for years?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I think that you don't need to have it all figured out right now. You mentioned that you've always said he would have to have a year sober before you even discussed him moving back in - and you know he was drinking on June 22, so that gives you a long time to make decisions, and a long time to observe his behavior (as distinct from his words).
You may never feel ready to let him go, but the time may come when you know that you need to get out of this marriage. Sometimes I think we have to act on what we know, and then the feelings will catch up with us.
Or maybe he will pull a rabbit out of a hat and manage to maintain sobriety for a year. Even if he does, there is nothing that obligates you to take him back if you believe that your best chance for a good life does not lie with him.
I sympathize with you - I was with my alcoholic ex for 25 years. At the time I left, I had spent my entire adult life with that person. It's huge, that amount of time.
You may never feel ready to let him go, but the time may come when you know that you need to get out of this marriage. Sometimes I think we have to act on what we know, and then the feelings will catch up with us.
Or maybe he will pull a rabbit out of a hat and manage to maintain sobriety for a year. Even if he does, there is nothing that obligates you to take him back if you believe that your best chance for a good life does not lie with him.
I sympathize with you - I was with my alcoholic ex for 25 years. At the time I left, I had spent my entire adult life with that person. It's huge, that amount of time.
Newtongl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
Thank you Ladybird 579. I am so sorry that you have had the experience that I have had. Sounds just like my AH. I am so glad I found the site and everyone has been so generous to share their experiences. It makes me not feel so alone, although I am sad that so many people have to go through this. I know that when I have the talk with him he will turn it all back on me. That has always been his defense so I am ready for that. Thanks again for sharing with me.
Newtongl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
Sasha1972 thank you for sharing. So sorry that you went through the same thing. It is so difficult spending your whole life with someone and then letting go. Even though I know it is what I must do I am hesitant but am slowly building the courage. Thanks for your perspective that it doesn't have to be done right now and that I have time. I have been feeling pressure from friends and family to do it right now and I am just not ready. Maybe tomorrow!! 
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
