Separated and BF on best behaviour
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
Separated and BF on best behaviour
I haven't posted anything in a while, although I've been actively reading and appreciating the insights others have been sharing.
So I am finally taking a break from my alcoholic boyfriend (We've been together for 7 years, he's been an alcoholic for 2 of those years).
I am staying with a friend and not yet sure if it will be a permanent split or not. On the one hand it has been really nice and peaceful, I feel better than I have in a while, not worrying about whether someone might come home drunk at any moment and start an argument.
On the other hand I really miss our house and my dogs and just the familiar environment. It's weird. I also don't know how long I can stay with my friend without it becoming annoying for her.
Since we have been split up my boyfriend has been trying to get sober again. Before I left he had gone through a detox, stayed sober for a few weeks and then decided he could moderate his drinking, which obviously he couldn't.
So now he is trying again and according to friends and his brother who has been staying there for the summer break, he is doing really well and making progress.
I just don't know. Sometimes I feel too much damage has been done and we will never be the same even if he does get sober. And the physical attraction to him is completely gone (because drunks aren't attractive). Then other days I miss him and think I should give it a chance.
Friends and family feel I should give him a chance (we have a lot of the same friends, so I guess they don't want to see us split up). Of course, they don't know what it's like to live with someone so unreliable and unpredictable.
Anyway, hopefully this break will help me get my head screwed on straight and think more about what I want in the future. Regardless of whether we end up staying together or not.
So I am finally taking a break from my alcoholic boyfriend (We've been together for 7 years, he's been an alcoholic for 2 of those years).
I am staying with a friend and not yet sure if it will be a permanent split or not. On the one hand it has been really nice and peaceful, I feel better than I have in a while, not worrying about whether someone might come home drunk at any moment and start an argument.
On the other hand I really miss our house and my dogs and just the familiar environment. It's weird. I also don't know how long I can stay with my friend without it becoming annoying for her.
Since we have been split up my boyfriend has been trying to get sober again. Before I left he had gone through a detox, stayed sober for a few weeks and then decided he could moderate his drinking, which obviously he couldn't.
So now he is trying again and according to friends and his brother who has been staying there for the summer break, he is doing really well and making progress.
I just don't know. Sometimes I feel too much damage has been done and we will never be the same even if he does get sober. And the physical attraction to him is completely gone (because drunks aren't attractive). Then other days I miss him and think I should give it a chance.
Friends and family feel I should give him a chance (we have a lot of the same friends, so I guess they don't want to see us split up). Of course, they don't know what it's like to live with someone so unreliable and unpredictable.
Anyway, hopefully this break will help me get my head screwed on straight and think more about what I want in the future. Regardless of whether we end up staying together or not.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TheHopeful.....the fact that he is trying to get sober since you are gone, could indicate that he is doing it to try to get you to come back to the status quo, rather than him wanting sobriety for himself, no matter what....
The status quo (evidently) served his purposes better than it suited you....
Remember that your friends and family don't have a dog in the fight, like you do. If they were partnered to a drinking alcoholic, they would probably be singing their own sad song....
And, I'll bet my fortune on the fact that they may be ignorant of the realities of alcoholism and the damage it does to families and relationships.
Give him a chance? Which chance would this be? Did he not have a chance to get sober while you were living with him? He is still under the illusion that he can moderate his drinking....
An alcoholic can't moderate...not for very long....If they could, we wouldn't need this forum.....lol....
Why would you go back...if your being there didn't make a difference, when you were there....
I hear that he went to detox...but, detox just gets the alcohol blood level to zero and gets him through the withdrawal period, safely. It is not the same a rehabilitation program....Rehab programs, just give them the beginning tools to start their recovery journey.....it is not a cure...There is no actual "cure"....Recover is an ongoing process for the rest of a person's life///as they work a diligent program of recovery.
There is more to it than just putting down the bottle...Being in recovery means that the person is also making changes from the inside, out...Changes in thinking, attitudes, and behaviors...It isn't just about will power or "common sense" logic....
I think that you would be smart to not even consider resuming a relationship unless you see him working a program for at least a year or two with no interruptions to the sobriety...Many people say that early recovery is longet than that...like 2 to 3 years....
This takes a ton of motivation, time and hard work....
It doesn't sound like he is there.....to me....
Obviously, this had had quite negative effects on you...(it always does affect the loved ones)....
No matter what he does, you need support and self focus and self evaluation as much as he does....
Your life and your future happiness lies in your hands...not in his hands. He can't manage himself, right now...much less the happiness and needs of another person....
He may be in denial of the realities...but, you can't afford to be....your life is at stake, also.....
Maybe, begin thinking of somewhere else to lay your head...even if it is just a temporary rented room....
There is lots of help, if you need it....
You are not alone...and, there is help, if you seek it...
Lots of others have successfully navigated this road....and, so can you....
The status quo (evidently) served his purposes better than it suited you....
Remember that your friends and family don't have a dog in the fight, like you do. If they were partnered to a drinking alcoholic, they would probably be singing their own sad song....
And, I'll bet my fortune on the fact that they may be ignorant of the realities of alcoholism and the damage it does to families and relationships.
Give him a chance? Which chance would this be? Did he not have a chance to get sober while you were living with him? He is still under the illusion that he can moderate his drinking....
An alcoholic can't moderate...not for very long....If they could, we wouldn't need this forum.....lol....
Why would you go back...if your being there didn't make a difference, when you were there....
I hear that he went to detox...but, detox just gets the alcohol blood level to zero and gets him through the withdrawal period, safely. It is not the same a rehabilitation program....Rehab programs, just give them the beginning tools to start their recovery journey.....it is not a cure...There is no actual "cure"....Recover is an ongoing process for the rest of a person's life///as they work a diligent program of recovery.
There is more to it than just putting down the bottle...Being in recovery means that the person is also making changes from the inside, out...Changes in thinking, attitudes, and behaviors...It isn't just about will power or "common sense" logic....
I think that you would be smart to not even consider resuming a relationship unless you see him working a program for at least a year or two with no interruptions to the sobriety...Many people say that early recovery is longet than that...like 2 to 3 years....
This takes a ton of motivation, time and hard work....
It doesn't sound like he is there.....to me....
Obviously, this had had quite negative effects on you...(it always does affect the loved ones)....
No matter what he does, you need support and self focus and self evaluation as much as he does....
Your life and your future happiness lies in your hands...not in his hands. He can't manage himself, right now...much less the happiness and needs of another person....
He may be in denial of the realities...but, you can't afford to be....your life is at stake, also.....
Maybe, begin thinking of somewhere else to lay your head...even if it is just a temporary rented room....
There is lots of help, if you need it....
You are not alone...and, there is help, if you seek it...
Lots of others have successfully navigated this road....and, so can you....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
For a drunk like me the only chance at a healthy relationship is to stay sober and that means total abstinence.
Some will achieve this but it takes hard work.
I wish you and your boyfriend well.
M-Bob
Some will achieve this but it takes hard work.
I wish you and your boyfriend well.
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
TH,
Even not living with him, he still has your life on hold. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move on. You have lived in "hxll" for years. You get healthy and strong, stop worrying about him and see where it lands. Keep moving forward and don't listen to other peoples opinions. They have never lived in alcoholic home so they have no idea what you have gone through.
If he wants to get sober he will with you or without you.
If you want to get healthy and move on, you will.
Stop waiting on him, for you to make your next move. (hopefully he can join you in the future, sober; but probably not) Hugs you are doing great!!
Even not living with him, he still has your life on hold. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move on. You have lived in "hxll" for years. You get healthy and strong, stop worrying about him and see where it lands. Keep moving forward and don't listen to other peoples opinions. They have never lived in alcoholic home so they have no idea what you have gone through.
If he wants to get sober he will with you or without you.
If you want to get healthy and move on, you will.
Stop waiting on him, for you to make your next move. (hopefully he can join you in the future, sober; but probably not) Hugs you are doing great!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mYmpHjpdYI
I just saw this little video where Oprah explains why it's important to clear toxic people from your life. It's helped me alot to know I'm making the best decision to separate from my alkie.
Basically, you need to protect your own energy if you want to be able to get to the next level in your life. Yes, your boyfriend probably has many great qualities and it's likely he's not a horrible person. But waiting at home for a drunken rant to begin is no way to nurture your energy. It's draining.
Where would you be in your life if you surrounded yourself with people who inspire you? It can be a hard question to answer if you've surrounded yourself with takers for so long. But just imagine.
If he gets to the point where he can legitimately be a person who inspires you and nurtures you, then you can think about the relationship. But if he's "on best behavior?" That's cosmetic change.
I just saw this little video where Oprah explains why it's important to clear toxic people from your life. It's helped me alot to know I'm making the best decision to separate from my alkie.
Basically, you need to protect your own energy if you want to be able to get to the next level in your life. Yes, your boyfriend probably has many great qualities and it's likely he's not a horrible person. But waiting at home for a drunken rant to begin is no way to nurture your energy. It's draining.
Where would you be in your life if you surrounded yourself with people who inspire you? It can be a hard question to answer if you've surrounded yourself with takers for so long. But just imagine.
If he gets to the point where he can legitimately be a person who inspires you and nurtures you, then you can think about the relationship. But if he's "on best behavior?" That's cosmetic change.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
remember the source of this information - you stated that friends and family don't want you two to split up permanently so i doubt they'd be telling you he's puking on shoes drunk. IF indeed he is taking sobriety seriously, you would STILL need to see that in action for at least a YEAR for there to be enough "evidence" of commitment.
the other thing to consider is that sometimes relationships just become too toxic and BOTH partners do better out of the dysfunction, going forward, not backward.
the other thing to consider is that sometimes relationships just become too toxic and BOTH partners do better out of the dysfunction, going forward, not backward.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Remember that your friends and family don't have a dog in the fight, like you do. If they were partnered to a drinking alcoholic, they would probably be singing their own sad song....And, I'll bet my fortune on the fact that they may be ignorant of the realities of alcoholism and the damage it does to families and relationships.
But for those who live (have lived) with the drunk, you see them gradually disappearing and becoming less and less the person you knew and loved.
Anyway, I know I need to just focus on my own plans and future. Unless he gets sober there is no point even thinking about living together, so I guess that's what I need to try to remember.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
the other thing to consider is that sometimes relationships just become too toxic and BOTH partners do better out of the dysfunction, going forward, not backward.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I had a really nice girlfriend leave me many years ago due to my drinking. Oh how I cried in my beer once she was gone. The Break-Up did eventually lead me into a 28 day treatment facility. I stayed sober that time for 3 years. Many years later when I was once again sober that old girlfriend and I got together just for a few days visit. Nothing sexual just old friends getting together. She was so happy to see me sober and it was a blessing for my heart to see her once again also.
Yes at times loved ones must say bye and in the end we know it was all for the best possibly a part of each one's growth.
M-Bob
Yes at times loved ones must say bye and in the end we know it was all for the best possibly a part of each one's growth.
M-Bob
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I've thought of that myself a few times. When so many boundaries have been crossed, can you really ever get back to a normal place. Maybe not. Maybe we both deserve a fresh start.
Back is not progress and normal is usually never attached to a relationship with an alcoholic.
It would have to be a brand new starting all over relationship beginning with the current situation. And knowing what you know today would you really begin a new relationship with an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by TheHopeful
But for those who live (have lived) with the drunk, you see them gradually disappearing and becoming less and less the person you knew and loved .
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