merhaba

Hi All

Really feeling low right now - just when I thought I had come to terms with everything, another curve ball knocked me down.

I have been separated from AH for 8 months nowwith no direct contact the whole time and only indirecct contact until December - so I have been able to begin to recover from 11 years of life with a constantly relapsing alcoholic and the money spending chaos that went with it.

We finally me to dicuss the divorce (unfortunately here in Turkey oit is not possible to divorce without meeting) He was in wounded soldier mode and agreed all the points I raised in order to process the divorce.

He was so full of remorse (fake) but I still almost got sucked into his stories and found myself softening a little...remembering happier days....wondering if there could be an after divorce future between us.

Today I was clearing a room and found a small foto album with fotos of him and a young girl taken in our apartment just 2 months after we arrived in Vietnam ...lots of alcohol in view too - he was sober at the time

I feel like it was a messgae from God/the Universe to keep me focused - but still I feel devastated....before I let him know I knew he swore on his family members lives and souls he had never cheated on me....

Now I am wondering how many more?
and how stupid am I? this is the second time in my life this has happened with a 10year gap in between..I learned nothing.

Feeling so tearful right now but still soldiering on as usual. I feel like my life has been a complete failure

Maudcat

Hugs, merhaba.
Though it doesn't seem that way now, finding that album was a gift and a message.
Good luck.

LexieCat

I agree with Maudcat. This should help douse whatever residual effect his "wounded soldier" tugs at your heartstrings may have had.

Look, you've known for a long time that he is not a good guy. A good guy would have treated you better. But this confirms it, and should help resolve any doubts that you are doing the right thing.

The meeting is out of the way, now. Hopefully your further dealings with him will be of the most limited kind that will wrap up your divorce and property issues.

Hugs,

merhaba

It does confirm it Lexie but at the same time it wipes out any belief I ever had in him..in us.

This was the last bastion of our marriage...now it feels it was all a sham

LexieCat

I know--it's painful now, but in the long run I think it will make it easier to heal. I'm not dismissing your pain--it's real, and it's valid. Just want you to remember that when you're ready to feel better, you've got a great life ahead of you.

honeypig

merhaba, I recently came across this saying:

Thank the lies for showing you the truth.

You don't feel thankful right now, and that's only to be expected. At some point, though, after you've worked through the pain and betrayal and have begun to heal, I think you will feel grateful. Not for how lost and terrible you felt, but for the chance to start again, for real this time.

I wish you strength and clarity.

dandylion

merhaba....It was NOT all a sham....His shortcomings are not a reflection on you....YOU were sincere...your feelings were real. You were not a sham....

Ladybird579

I understand why you feel like it was a sham tho, real as it was for you. He was the sham. Not you. He was the one using you for his own alcoholic ends. He was the one who had no care for your marriage and what it meant to be married.

I felt like my marriage was a sham too and it was . I was married to a man stuck at 14 years of age. He was never mature enough for marriage. Good news is you can recover from this and move on to better things.

Bekindalways

Big hug to you Merhaba! So sorry for your pain.

May healing and growth be yours.

SimplyE

My heart goes out to you. Same here, 25+ years married and just 2 months divorced. I understand all you said. Except 25+ years of relapsing Alcoholic, "Swore he never cheated," "How many more," "sham," "learned nothing," "wondering if you could have an after divorce future." The thread title says it all "Didn't think I could break any further" I understand too well.

You are not a failure! Nor are you alone in this. Maybe it hurts until it doesn't. I don't know since I am in the middle of it.

Many good peaceful healing thoughts to you. Please take good care of you now. Now time to build a good life for you.

merhaba

Thank you for all your support and big heartfelt hugs for everyone who is/was in a similar situation. It stinks.

My fault is engaging with him at all. I think I am now impervious - and I am clearly not. I even caught myself tinking...well after the divorce if he will go to counselling with me, maybe..... I am unbelievable, let alone him.

A woman I know and respect met me today and gave me a huge hug. She whispered in my ear was I divorcingh im. I said yes and she seemed overjoyed. Told me she would never have said but she had been hoping I would leave for a long time.

I know I deserve better. I know he is not even in my league - but my codependent/ hating to fail/over responsible self is still struggling at times like these.

I hope it stops for me soon. Think back to limited to no contact is the only way I am safe.

SimplyE

So good you realize you deserve better and that limited contact is safer for you.
Nice to be validated by someone you respect.

dandylion

herhaba...give it some more time, and you will begin to feel better....
You are still grieving the whole thing....naturally....
It won't always feel like this....I feel very confident in this prediction!

Ariesagain

There's a saying here...no new contact, no new hurt.

If you have an attorney, maybe direct all contact through his/her office so you don't have to deal with him anymore.

Sending you a big hug.

merhaba

Thank you
no new contact = no new hurt my new mantra Aries
I just swam up and down this quiet bay in swest Turkey chanting it
Hopefully it will sink in!

I have an appointment to have the house put on my name - he has already given his father POA so I don't think AH needs to be present as well ? will doublecheck with my lawyer in the morning.

I hope your prediction comes true dandylion. It has been 8 months now - although I did not know about the woman/women until yesterday plus I had had no contact.....let this pass soon

maia1234

M,
God showing us that you have made the right decision. Keep moving forward, you are almost there. Sending hugs!!

SimplyE

Love the mantra