hummingbird358

I have not posted for awhile. My son who moved out of state got off of probation today. He was on for a year for a dui. He still won't be able to drive without the blower in his car for another year. Today though, he can go back to smoking weed. It took him months to have a clean urine sample with how he abused it before and his weight. In this past year, he has come so far. Got a new job and is doing well. Seemed to have it together. Now he is free to smoke again. I fear that it will have a different affect on him since he hasn't smoked so long. He is going to sell his car as well so he doesn't have to do the blower. That is giving him such anxiety because he is scared of when he takes it to the garage for fear the mechanic will blow hot in it. I told him that they have a camera in it and also it is documented that he is at the garage with the bills, etc. He says that it won't matter. He has such high anxiety over it. So he is going to sell the car and just never drive again..... I told him that I can't comprehend never driving again esp at his age. He feels it isn't worth the risk. Since he had 1 DUI, every time he gets in the car if something were to happen that it isn't even his fault they will run his license and assume he is at fault. He plans on smoking weed I am not sure how he is with the booze. Told me before he doesn't have the urge anymore. It has been over a year but he has had one beer at dinners some times when they go out. I guess I have to just trust God in this. I have to trust that he has grown some and matured and that he realizes what has happened. My fear is that since he has no one to answer too anymore and by selling the car that means he doesn't have that as well. Just don't want him going back to drinking at home like he was. I realize it is not my problem, that he is an adult and lives across the country but he is still my child. I would still get the calls if something bad happened. I wish I could learn to just let it go and be happy on my own not dependent on if he is happy.

Maudcat

Hi, hummingbird.
I understand your worry.
It is his path to walk, though.
I hope things go okay.

LexieCat

I don't know that I would "trust that he has grown some and matured and that he realizes what has happened." He doesn't seem to be showing any signs of that. Think about it this way, though. He is going to do whatever he does whether you worry about it or not. Worrying doesn't HELP anything. And there is nothing you CAN do to HELP--not directly, anyway. You can let him know that you love him and you can pray for him. And you can take good care of yourself.

You have ZERO power/control over him and his life. Are you going to Al-Anon? Are you doing anything else to promote your mental health and your ability to live your own life separate from him and his choices?

Sending a hug--motherhood is NOT for the faint of heart!

FeelingGreat

Hi hummingbird, from what you tell us, it does seem like he's take the legal tangles hard. It may be the incentive he needs to stay out of trouble.

It's more about your anxiety though. I wish I could say it's something that will disappear just like that, but having 61 years behind me, I look back on things that once worried me, and I shake my head in wonder. It seems to be a process of evolution, experience, and some work on ourselves that helps us detach in a loving way.
All I can suggest is that you work on reducing your anxiety. There are many ways you can try, like yoga, meditation, reading, therapy. It's not an overnight process, for you or your son, so don't feel discouraged.

SaveHer

Hi, hummingbird.

Your son sounds like my AXBF and you actually remind me of his mother: sweet and well-intentioned with a dash of naivete. My AXBF got a DUI over ten years ago and basically came to the same conclusion as your son: I'm never going to drive again. We have a three-month-old daughter together, and he still wouldn't get his license. And just like your son assuming everyone was out to get him, the mechanic, the cops, etc., my AXBF blamed the DMV, the courts, and everyone else for his inability to renew his license. He claimed there was too much red tape, too many hoops to jump through. The truth is, there ARE a lot of hoops--and every single one is of his own making.

Unfortunately, I don't see much growth or maturity in your son's conclusions. A responsible adult renews their license and learns from their mistakes; he doesn't throw in the towel, like a child, and blame everyone else for his "insurmountable" problems whether real or imagined.

The good news for you? Although it may not seem like it, living across the country affords you some peace in addition to distance. My AXBF asks his mother for rides to and from work at least twice a week.

maia1234

I agree with the others, he doesn't sound like he is ready for a life of sobriety. I would lower my expectations so it doesn't crush you when he goes back to his old tricks.

He needs to grow up, sober up and work a program. Is he or has he done that? Sending hugs to you mom

hummingbird358

While on probation, he had to take 12-20 classes. He seen a psychologist a few times to work with Smart Recovery but not sure if he followed through. Also took Naltroxone for a few weeks then stopped because he said he didn't have the urge to drink anymore. I know he was pretty shaken up over the night in jail and doesn't want to ever face that again. He has a new job and seems to enjoy it. He and his girlfriend are saving up to buy a house and he is working on paying off his credit cards. I am more worried about him going back to the bottle than weed. My fear is if he gets rid of his car then there is really nothing to be accounted for if that makes sense. Just don't want him back to drinking cases at a time. I guess this is something I have to let go but it is hard because if he goes back to it and his life crumbles, I will be the one getting the calls.

maia1234

Addicts say that you "plan" for when you "fall" off the wagon. He is not "planning" on working for his sobriety. He should be going to meetings and not making excuses of why he doesn't like the meetings.

It is very hard to accept that he is making bad choices. Smoking weed leads to drinking, their guard is down. It will be a matter of time. If his life crumbles, let it be just that, his life. You explain to him now that he is still some what sober, that you will not support him in anyway if he chooses to use again. Tell him to lose your phone number. You will block him and not support him in any way.

He needs to know this now. There are consequences in your relationship if he goes back to that life. Then the next thing is, that you need to follow through with what you threaten. He has seen you support him through thick and thin. For addicts, life needs to get really, really, really bad before they truly can't stand themselves and choose sobriety.

Get help for yourself, get strong so you can prepare for the next crisis. I hate to say but you can see him heading down that road again. They always say that you can see people who are working a program by their actions, they don't need to tell you anything. Hugs mom, keep posting and venting!!

Ladybird579

My fear is if he gets rid of his car then there is really nothing to be accounted for if that makes sense.
Yes it makes sense and is most likely why he is getting rid of the car cos he is not intending to be sober enough to drive it but, as others have posted, there is nothing you can do about it. It's his life, his choice.

Jaeger

hummingbird,
I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I've replied on some of your other threads. I'm very curious though why you won't reply when people ask you if you have tried attending Al-Anon. I don't think (my opinion and experience only) you will be able to find any peace with this until you start working on yourself.
Hugs,
Jaeger

hopeful4

Good Afternoon,

I think you are right in that there is nothing that can be done. Every person alive has things they have high anxiety about. Only they can choose how they will react to it, and time will tell for him as well. I completely understand why this creates anxiety for YOU as well.

Hugs from one mom to another!

hummingbird358

I went to Al-anon many times. The one that is nearest to me had this old woman that was in her 80's that would talk the entire time after the "sharing" started. It was not helping me at all to listen to her talk about when she was a child and her daddy drank.
I work full -time during the day and get up at 4:30am every morning. For me to go to a meeting that is even further is not a good decision. I have a hard time staying awake while driving 20 minutes let alone an hour one way and then home again after the meeting.
My son knows what he will lose. I am sure his girlfriend who lives with him has told him she will be gone if he starts again with the drinking.
I have also been to counseling.

honeypig

I can understand why that particular Alanon meeting was not useful to you. However, that is certainly not how they ALL are. I found that many times the meeting that was most convenient for me (closest to drive to, easiest time) was NOT the one that was BEST for me. I had to drive farther or stay up later than I wanted to--but once I decided I was serious about getting better, I was ready to go to "any lengths" for recovery, just like it says in the AA Big Book.

Jaeger

I understand that. I work very long hours also and had to cut my week day meetings. I know there are online meetings you might could attend. In my area there's only one group and luckily it is a good group with a lot of great recovery. I don't know what I would do if it wasn't.

I do understand your struggles. My son is addicted to marijuana too. I just know it is too much for me to handle without some face to face support.

Dee74

Prayers for you and your son hummingbird.