granolaprincess

I set real boundaries for the first time and it felt WONDERFUL!! I've been doing baby steps, but set them firm finally and I feel great! My ex-b.f. called and said he wanted to work things out. My first boundary was to say that it was late for this convo. Then we were emailing a day or 2 later about being lost in relationships and he wanted to explore why I feel the way I do. I told him he should spend less time on my belief system and more time on himself, and explore why he hasn't managed to have a long-term relationship even though he's almost 40. Needless to say we haven't spoken much since.

I finally realized that his lack of interest in monogamy really bothered me and I told him that too. I said that that would never work for me and I should never have stayed after he slept w/ someone else the one weekend I was out of town. He jokingly blamed me for that, and I told him that I should have turned and walked right after that comment. I feel so much peace now that I don't have to wonder if he's fooling around, or regretting deciding to be monogamous. It's been really hard living under that. It was wonderful telling him what I really felt and saying that I will not live with things that go against my beliefs.

What a wonderful day! Thoughts?

JT

Thoughts?

I can't think because I am so busy doing my Happy Dance. Not compromising yourself is a huge step!

Hugs,
JT

DefofLov

(doing happy dance with JT)

I know how it feels to finally put self first, such relief!!!

DesertEyes

thoughts? Me thinks that's way cool!

Yeah, that feeling is the greatest. You deserve it, you've earned it, so enjoy it.

Mike :-)
p.s. You've been missed 'round here, glad you came back to keep us posted

granolaprincess

Happy dances are always welcome! I do them for others here myself and it's great when we can share in each other's steps forward!

Boundaries are wonderful, and I'm being tested to boot. The b.f. emailed today to start discussing the monogamy thing. We are still butting heads on it, there is no compromise and he seems to think that with time I'll be willing to explore this. I am pushing back, but probably not in the way I should. I have been sick today over the whole thing and getting frustrated everytime I see his name in my inbox. I tried my relaxation stuff, but wound up having a smoke and overeating. I've realized this and now am putting the adult me back in charge.

I've been confused because he keeps negating his own statements about being able to be monogamous, but then claims he has to disassociate part of himself to be with me. I don't understand why someone would give up such an important part of themselves. I've been accused of dismissing his philosphy since he gave this part of himself up. My thought is that if he's willing to give it up how important can it be? As I'm writing this I feel as if things are becoming clear. I reacted to his emails out of emotion instead of with my head, no? Then I, as usual, got sucked into the ick instead of just saying "leave me alone" or something similar that told him I didn't want any part of that now. My little girl reacted, the adult did not. Maybe that's why I feel so bad, the girl reacted, the girl smoked, the girl grazed on potato chips. The adult is here, soothing over the little girl and again taking charge.

I'm fighting the urge not to question my beliefs and wonder if I'm being a prude. It's not happening automatically anymore, but it is lurking like a shadow in a dark alley.

DesertEyes

Sorry to hear about the b.f. :-(

As a guy I can offer a suggested clarification. He is full of B.S.

You said it yourself. You are an adult and the adult is in charge. You can be a prude if you want to be. You are entitled to have _your_ values and _your_ morals because your _adult_ decided what you want them to be. Children get their morals from their parents. We're not children anymore.

Be whatever you want to be, but only if it is your adult that decides that.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)
p.s. SR is the official cheerleading club for granolaprincess