Seeking encouragement after leaving abusive, alcoholic ex
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3
Seeking encouragement after leaving abusive, alcoholic ex
Hey there, I've read a lot of posts on here. Some relatable, some worse than what I've been through and some currently struggling still. All have helped tremendously. I decided I needed to seek advice on my own with my own story.
I'm 28F and my (now ex) was 31M. We had met a year ago and immediately clicked. It's like he was my home. From the moment we met, I knew he had a problem but I didn't know how bad it was. I think I ignored the obvious and fell madly in love with an unsolvable case. First fail. The first week we met he disappeared, and he told me he needed to talk to me and tell me his issues which I began to figure out was alcohol. Fast forward one year later, sending him to rehab, continuing to support him to stay 6 months sober only to relapse, verbally abusive fights, arrests, broken doors, threatening actions, sobbing crying and threatening suicide ... I had reached my limit. One person said on here it's like being hit with a sledgehammer over and over. More like 10 sledgehammers from all angles beating you so far into the ground you're gasping for air. I loved this man with all my heart. Without alcohol, he was a genuine caring, kind, loving person who wanted a future with me. He loved me to my core and I loved him back. My struggle is now living alone in my house, coping with the memories. Dealing with our breakup and feeling extreme loneliness and vulnerability. Breakups are hard. Breaking up with an alcoholic? Even worse. I'm trying to move forward. My therapist has helped me tremendously but I just need some ounce of hope that things will get better. That I can get out of bed not feeling like I have to face the world. I know it will come and it's a process, I get it. I just need a pick me up. Anything.
I'm 28F and my (now ex) was 31M. We had met a year ago and immediately clicked. It's like he was my home. From the moment we met, I knew he had a problem but I didn't know how bad it was. I think I ignored the obvious and fell madly in love with an unsolvable case. First fail. The first week we met he disappeared, and he told me he needed to talk to me and tell me his issues which I began to figure out was alcohol. Fast forward one year later, sending him to rehab, continuing to support him to stay 6 months sober only to relapse, verbally abusive fights, arrests, broken doors, threatening actions, sobbing crying and threatening suicide ... I had reached my limit. One person said on here it's like being hit with a sledgehammer over and over. More like 10 sledgehammers from all angles beating you so far into the ground you're gasping for air. I loved this man with all my heart. Without alcohol, he was a genuine caring, kind, loving person who wanted a future with me. He loved me to my core and I loved him back. My struggle is now living alone in my house, coping with the memories. Dealing with our breakup and feeling extreme loneliness and vulnerability. Breakups are hard. Breaking up with an alcoholic? Even worse. I'm trying to move forward. My therapist has helped me tremendously but I just need some ounce of hope that things will get better. That I can get out of bed not feeling like I have to face the world. I know it will come and it's a process, I get it. I just need a pick me up. Anything.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Welcome to the forum. Being in a toxic relationship, especially with an alcoholic can be extremely difficult. You did do the right thing by moving on as being in a situation like that would have just gotten worse and worse.
That's great you are seeing a therapist, I also would suggest going to alanon to help you along with your recovery from the mess.
That's great you are seeing a therapist, I also would suggest going to alanon to help you along with your recovery from the mess.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Wbeth, and Welcome!
I am so sorry to hear about all you have been through, but your story is not unfamiliar to us here. And in my world, you absolutely did the right thing by leaving someone who is abusive. Everyone deserves peace and joy, and that doesn't happen when abuse is involved.
Others will be along to share their stories, and we also have an entire sub-forum for those of us who struggle because someone we love is an alcoholic. You are so very welcome to join us, too, if and when you feel comfortable.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please take good care of yourself!
I am so sorry to hear about all you have been through, but your story is not unfamiliar to us here. And in my world, you absolutely did the right thing by leaving someone who is abusive. Everyone deserves peace and joy, and that doesn't happen when abuse is involved.
Others will be along to share their stories, and we also have an entire sub-forum for those of us who struggle because someone we love is an alcoholic. You are so very welcome to join us, too, if and when you feel comfortable.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please take good care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Wbeth. Welcome. Glad you found us.
I think it's a positive thing that you recognized that life with an alcohol-dependent person is a hard way to go.
It's sad now, but things will get better in time.
Peace.
I think it's a positive thing that you recognized that life with an alcohol-dependent person is a hard way to go.
It's sad now, but things will get better in time.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Hi! I can relate to your heartache...
Except I am the alcoholic. While I was never violent when drunk I was very cutting with words that I often forgot I spewed.
My ex left me. It has been about 2 weeks of absolutely no contact on either of our parts. This is key...no contact. I have run the gamut of emotions...and it has gotten significantly better.
I have to get well and he wasn't exactly perfect either. I wish him well and sometimes I miss him, perhaps the idea of him (I'm not at all accustomed to be alone)
In the past I have been with other men who were physically violent. I never stayed. If they where drunk/high or not. That cycle does not stop. You mustn't look back in those situations.
Glad you are seeking all sorts of help.
You are still very young...hold out for someone safe and healthy. In the interim, take gentle care of yourself.
You deserve much more than that...and hopefully your leaving him will set a fire under his bum to get well...
Fortitude to you! NC...it gets easier.
Jules
Except I am the alcoholic. While I was never violent when drunk I was very cutting with words that I often forgot I spewed.
My ex left me. It has been about 2 weeks of absolutely no contact on either of our parts. This is key...no contact. I have run the gamut of emotions...and it has gotten significantly better.
I have to get well and he wasn't exactly perfect either. I wish him well and sometimes I miss him, perhaps the idea of him (I'm not at all accustomed to be alone)
In the past I have been with other men who were physically violent. I never stayed. If they where drunk/high or not. That cycle does not stop. You mustn't look back in those situations.
Glad you are seeking all sorts of help.
You are still very young...hold out for someone safe and healthy. In the interim, take gentle care of yourself.
You deserve much more than that...and hopefully your leaving him will set a fire under his bum to get well...
Fortitude to you! NC...it gets easier.
Jules
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
I am sorry for what brings you here but want to welcome you to the family. 
You did the right thing, altho it's hard getting used to the new reality. Come here often and read and post. You'll find lots of support here. 
You did the right thing, altho it's hard getting used to the new reality. Come here often and read and post. You'll find lots of support here. Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: US
Posts: 16,871
Welcome, Wbeth! I can relate as well. Jules is 150% right about no contact. I even removed myself from facebook so I could heal.....this is an awesome opportunity to focus on you! It may take what feels like forever, but yes it does get better (and better)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3
Thanks!
Originally Posted by Purplrks3647 
Welcome, Wbeth! I can relate as well. Jules is 150% right about no contact. I even removed myself from facebook so I could heal.....this is an awesome opportunity to focus on you! It may take what feels like forever, but yes it does get better (and better)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
It's going to hurt. For some time. Each day does get a tiny bit better. It also crops up out of no where. I spent the whole day with tons of people...I laughed so hard a few times my cheeks hurt...but that drive home, when it's dark...tears just welled up in my eyes.
It DOES feel like a ghost. While the dog is mine, well before I met him...I know she's missing him too.
I can't speak much to Al Anon as I have not attended a meeting. It might be helpful to those who are going to continue to try with the alcoholic, but you are contending with a different animal. The violence is a game ender, IMO. For me, if someone shows a hint of that tendency? I am tapping out. That is exactly the ammunition I need to get angry and move on.
As stated, you are still very young. If I were you, I would waste no more time on him...heal yourself and move on. You will feel better in time.
That old rhyme:
"when she (he) was good,
she (he) was very, very good
but when she (he) was bad,
she (he) was horrid"
The very first thing I did was pack up anything that reminded me of him/came from him/ belonged to him. Every last thing. Even his body wash. That helped a lot too.
You can do this.
GL,
Jules
It DOES feel like a ghost. While the dog is mine, well before I met him...I know she's missing him too.
I can't speak much to Al Anon as I have not attended a meeting. It might be helpful to those who are going to continue to try with the alcoholic, but you are contending with a different animal. The violence is a game ender, IMO. For me, if someone shows a hint of that tendency? I am tapping out. That is exactly the ammunition I need to get angry and move on.
As stated, you are still very young. If I were you, I would waste no more time on him...heal yourself and move on. You will feel better in time.
That old rhyme:
"when she (he) was good,
she (he) was very, very good
but when she (he) was bad,
she (he) was horrid"
The very first thing I did was pack up anything that reminded me of him/came from him/ belonged to him. Every last thing. Even his body wash. That helped a lot too.
You can do this.
GL,
Jules
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