Maddy7878

Hi there... I've been redirected to this section of the forum. Thank you to the person who helped me find the proper thread. Here is my story...


I found this forum from a simple google search, and am hoping I can get some sound advice as to where I should go from here...
I'm 31 years old and am pregnant with my second child. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year... ( first child is not his... She is 9 years old)
I got pregnant early on, we were together for about 4 months...unexpected of course but that is beside the point. Early in our relationship we clicked so well... I really love this guy. We share so many similarities, and so many differences, but it seemed to work so great. Upon finding out I was pregnant I was terrified and strongly considered having an abortion. Infact, I went to all appointments up until the final procedure. All the while my bf did not want me to... So with his opinion I decided the day before procedure to keep the baby and not go through with the abortion.
Fast forward 4 months and I'm now 6 months pregnant. 3 days ago I had enough. For the past few months my bf has been "off" Going out for "coffees" only to be gone for hours on end... Sleeping all the time... Never contributing to the household... There were even a couple times I had noticed small pupils and white crust around his nose. I know signs of drug use as I have seen this with friends and family. I asked several times, "are you high?" which he would laugh off and say no. So stupidly I didn't register. Chalked it up to dry boogers or sunshine... Whatever... I was just not going to delve further.
So 3 days went by... I had broken up. Sick of dealing with the behaviour. He begged me back but I am so over emotional I cannot deal with his disappearing and being so unstable. Yesterday he messaged me finally admitting to why he has been distant. He has been using hydromorphone, and smoking heroin. He says he wants to stop. Im so scared for the baby now... For the baby's safety. I still love my bf and didn't expect such a secret. I don't want to abandon him at such a time, so he asked if he can detox this weekend at my place while my daughter is at her dads. Apparently he has weaned over the past few days... But i don't know what to believe. I gave him an ultimatum. I have control of the money... He must take pee tests, and be involved in counselling. If there is any fail I will leave... He will not be able to be around baby unsupervised... And I will have to tell his parents why I made this decision. His mother is a retired opp officer.
Am I doing the right thing? Should I do less? More? I'm so confused and hurt... But I want to help him... Not just for him but for my unborn child. Any advice will be greatly appreciated and thank you so much in advance.

HardLessons

Hi Maddy

I am sorry for what you are going through. I am relatively new here & have had a life altering experience with an addict. My story is posted.

You definitely have your hands full. What I can tell you based on my experience is you came to the right place by posting on this forum. I'm not going to give you advice other than read all you can concerning heroine , enabling, co-dependency & addiction. On this forum, you will receive very solid candid advice by genuine caring people who have experienced exactly what you are going through, It wont be easy to digest. It hasn't been for me.

I wish you & your unborn child the very best of luck. Again I am sorry for what you are going through.

atalose

In my opinion, you need to take a giant step backwards, hands off the addict, continue to NOT allow an active addict back into your home until they have been clean/sober for a lengthy period of time.

In my opinion he’s not really ready to quit drugs, addicts who are ready go find a detox themselves, they get themselves into rehab, they take some kind of immediate actions to seek help and all by themselves on their own without being forced or given ultimatums.

In my opinion addicts who are not ready to stop, beg, borrow and manipulate people into allowing them a roof over their heads, food, shower a place to crash in the “mean time” until more drugs are obtainable or the immediate emotional chaos has calmed down. They say they will do it themselves, they don’t need outside help. They claim to wean themselves off the drugs (don’t have $ to buy more) so they use sparingly.

I think being 6 months pregnant and a having another child is enough on your plate already the last thing you need is an active addict in that mix, no matter how much YOU feel you love him.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this, it's one of the hardest thing in the world loving an addict.

Maddy7878

Thank you Hardlessons and atalose. I will read up on your situation. Even a day after finding this out I realize how tough this really is. You can hear so much from other people about their experiences... My friends family... My family... But until you actually are confronted with it in your own close personal life is when the realization comes into full effect.
I have researched this and of course I don't know everything... But from what I have read this needs professional help... Not just a weekend detox. Im understanding this now. Also I know drug addicts lie... And being able to read stories on here I have also realized the absurd lengths some will go. Rehab is hard for anyone to go to... But I do understand my bf reasoning as to why he wants to try at home. Detox anyway. Of course counselling will be following. He had a decent job but we were able to find him an amazing job... Of which he has only been working since march. 10 dollar an hour difference...benefits...great company... Basically a life long career he can make out of this. He recently passed employment probation period... But going into rehab months into this great job that is hard to find will definitely ruin his reputation and I just know they won't look at him the same. So I'm torn but more and more leaning towards saying get help on your own... Come back when the work is done. As hard as it is... I just don't want this attempt I would be helping with to end in failure, adding more stress into my life.

atalose

Always trust your instincts, listen to what they are telling you. Go in the direction it is leaning you towards.

I understand what you are saying about his job and short employment history with “potential” possible down the road but the truth is if he does not fully address his addiction head on right now he will eventually lose that job and much more.

All addicts think they can just stop all on their own with a little counseling and that their way (detoxing at home) is the best for them because A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K. etc. etc. If addiction were that simple to arrest and be taken care of, none of us would be here seeking support, addiction wouldn’t even be an issue and there would be no need for rehabs, detox centers, out-patient drug therapy, AA meetings, Al-anon meetings. He’s hitting the “easy” button and your instincts are telling you that, no matter what he words say the truth will eventually be revealed. I just would hate for more hurt, pain and disappointment to come your way.

solicitude

My pregnancy and what my ex addict did to me during is what opened my eyes to how bad it was. I had planned to allow him to stay around as long as he was in rehab or trying to get clean. It was very hard because the whole pregnancy I could see pieces of him telling me it wasn't going to work. Demanding to take my car at times I needed it, sneaking to the bathroom after he thought I had fallen asleep, refusing to show up to anything on time.. etc. But I didn't fully open my eyes until the day I went into labor. I called him and he showed up THREE HOURS LATER, when he was only 10 minutes away. Then he left after waiting with me for about an hour, KNOWING full well that our sons heart rate kept suddenly dropping and could cause an emergency Csection. When he left, my son's heart dropped dangerously low and they rushed me into surgery. I remember seeing the doctor running through the halls banging my bed into everything along the way. She was in a real hurry, my son and I were in real danger and the father was just gone. Shooting up. I wake up a while later and he's standing there holding my baby. So he left to go shoot up, then made it back RIGHT IN TIME to be the first person to hold my baby, out of all the people there that stayed and cared enough to NOT LEAVE. You can tell Im still angry when I talk about it, but it was 3 years ago. Mostly because after that, he went to my room with me and waited till it was late enough that our families had to leave, then he started yelling and cussing me out. I was stuck to the bed, cut open in my stomach, hooked up to IVs and a cath. So I laid there, begging him to leave, hovering my finger over the nurse button, and he wouldn't. He grabbed my arm, squeezing as tightly as he could and told me he wasn't going anywhere and I wasn't pushing that button. And I didn't, I don't know why.. But that opened my eyes to how stupid I was being in trusting him and allowing him to mess my life up the way I had been. I felt so terrible "How could I bring a child into this world and push them into that guys arms?" I was perfectly fine with letting someone eff me over all this time, but I realized when I held my son that I had let my poor decisions force this little boy to have this thing as his father. This thing that had no love or care in the world outside of heroin.
I told my son's father that his visits were to be supervised and he did one, and then disappeared for two years. Then he got caught stealing from a store- sent through drug courts here, and put on a recovery program. He did really well for a short time, got a new girlfriend, then contacted me so he could pull my son into their new relationship. He was very angry I still wanted it supervised, threatened to just "take" him all the time, starts arguments, lies, etc. and now he's back to getting in trouble- has an alcohol, assault and domestic violence charge on his new girlfriend.. This is all very hard to deal with still to this day over three years later. I can stop being romantic with this lying, dangerous addict, but I cannot move on and keep him out of our lives because he will forever be in and out of this revolving door of addiction.

Tread Carefully. The decisions you make now will affect this child for the rest of their life. And have you considered, that the father of your daughter could get upset that you have exposed her to an active addict and all the drama/crime/danger that comes along with it? The most important thing is the children and YOU, as their mother and the baby's only sober, mature parent. You need to make sure YOU and your kids have everything you need, with or without him. I think you should take a step back from all this and sort through YOUR LIFE and get things in order for your children BEFORE you go putting this man and all his problems OVER you and your kids.

Maddy7878

Solicitude... I am so terribly sorry you had to deal with such an experience... And still have to deal with those feelings years later. From your story I see how bad it can truly get... Even in the future. That could be me... And that makes me very scared. My daughters father had a bout with oxycotin before we met and completed methadone before we met. He would not be ecstatic about my current situation I'm sure. I haven't seen any drug use from current bf... He revealed it happened in his car and off the property... But it could definitely filter to the indoors and I will absolutely not tolerate that at all. I have made a promise to myself to put me and my daughter first when she was born in 2009. Now in 2017 i will be adding another person to my promise and that is my second child. I will keep your story close... And be very weary even if he succeeds completing professional treatment... That is if he chooses to go. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Mothers are so strong and I have the utmost respect for those women, one of the many being you.

Maudcat

Hi, Maddy. Welcome.
I don't think a two day detox is going to do it.
It's dangerous, and low chance of long term success.
I'm thinking in patient rehab, but...there is the job to consider.
Sadly for you, this really is his path to walk.
If he can get himself into rehab, that's great.
I urge you to go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. Lots of wisdom in those rooms.
Whatever happens going forward, you must take care of you, your daughter and your new baby.
I hope you have supportive family and friends?
Good luck.

HardLessons

Solicitude

I am. so sorry for what you have been through. Addiction is devastating.

I wish all the best for you & your son

Maddy7878

Maudcat
I am currently researching places where I can go to help myself better understand what is going on...while being able to connect with others in my same boat. I'm in Ontario, Canada and we have quite a bunch of places I've found out. Personally I would like to seek a place where I can feel comfortable as an atheist... I'm rather hesitant to be involved in something that will bring "higher beings" into the mix as I know I will lose my interest. Does anyone know of any places that would offer help to people in my situation who do not have ties to religion? I've heard al anon speaks of higher beings? Its just not my thing...

AnvilheadII

I haven't seen any drug use from current bf... He revealed it happened in his car and off the property..

says the guy who lied all this time about his drug use. even when YOU were considering terminating your pregnancy, and he asked/begged you NOT to..........

you have NO idea how LONG he has been using.
you have NO idea how MUCH he has been using.
you have NO idea WHAT he has been using.
you have NO idea WHERE he has been using.

anything he admitted is NOT full disclosure. you do not want to convert your home into a drug detox facility. you are not a trained professional and it is not your JOB to do so. home detoxes rarely ever work for very long. the addict who cannot control their drug use is now trying to control their use during a time when their cravings and physical compulsion to use will be at their STRONGEST.

heroin is now ubiquitous and at epidemic levels of usage. any opiate addict is going to need some serious professional help and support. it's like trying to put out forest fire with a squirt gun.

you have two children that must come first before all else. PERIOD. to date your bf hasn't really demonstrated a whole ton of personal responsibility or a desire to make wholesale changes in his life. and you can't drag him along hoping that will happen.

Maudcat

Can't speak to Nar-Anon, but yes, in Al-Anon there references to higher power.
But that can be what you want it to be. It doesn't have to be, and isn't for many, a deity.
I think of hp as a force for good.
Or sometimes I have looked at the symmetry and rightness of nature as my hp.
Just a thought.
There is a Secular Connections on this site that is given to recovery programs that are not 12 step. Maybe you could check that forum?
Good luck.

TiredDad

Your in a good place with SR. It's a great start to taking care of yourself and the kiddos.
Trust your gut. Trust your mind. Our hearts can lead us astray.

Main focus is you and the kids.
Absolutely no waiver in those two things.

Sephra

I'm sorry for the reasons that you found yourself here, but it's good that you are reaching out.
Unfortunately, many of us find ourselves in this situation of wanting to help.
My addict (stepson) *just needed a place to detox* which really said, he didn't really think he had a problem or needed outside help. Could do it all on his own.

The sad reality that I learned in my world, was that *I* was not equipped to help him. Sure, I read everything I could get my hands on. Got a whole education, on things I wished I hadn't had to learn about. I could give him a roof over his head, and food to eat, I couldn't make a dent in his drug addiction. But in the end, what I am, is a family member who wanted to help. I am not an addiction specialist, (OK, anyone here, IS in a certain sense) I am not a dr. I am not a counselor. I am someone too closely emeshed in the circle to be able to help.

If you saw a strung out junkie stranger on the street, would you immediately think that YOU could help that person get clean? Why do we think we can when it's someone we care about? Cause we love them, they will listen to us? Know we want whats "best" for them? Generally by that point, the addiction is way to strong for it to be a choice.

When all of my stepsons resources dried up, and it was winter, he finally agreed to rehab. With no intention of stopping, see he STILL didn't think he was an addict. It's just to cold here to sleep outside in the winter. When he got out. He went right back to using.

He is currently in the hospital with Hep C, MRSA, spinal abscesses that required surgery, all from dirty needles. He's been in there about 2 months, probably another month to go. He is actively drug seeking in the hospital and they are treating him like a junkie, which offends him greatly. (searching people going in his room? Not letting him be unsupervised, not letting him go outside, etc.)

I have dealt with theft, junkies fighting in my driveway (that all 5ft. 2 inches of me had to breakup) psychosis, lying, searching woods for his dead body, too many things to name really. What I can tell you is that it's been absolute hell. I have heard the rhetoric all before. And am too jaded to believe it anymore.

This I know... recovery LOOKS like recovery. And family members are NOT EQUIPPED to get their loved ones straight. A trained surgeon wouldn't operate on their mother, too much emotional involvement. You can not love someone sober, they have to do it themselves. Helping easily turns into being manipulated so the addict can get what they need. If his focus was YOUR wellbeing, he wouldn't put you or those babies in this situation. He is blinded by his need for the drug.
Sorry.

Maddy7878

Sephra...
I feel horrible that as a mother you had to witness this all from your child you love so dearly. I'm so happy I found this site and have had the feedback from people who have been there... Who know what's really best. Today I put my foot down and said I cannot do this. I cannot help with his detox. He will have to seek help for himself in a professional setting. If it weren't for this site... These stories... The advice... I would likely be babying this grown man all weekend and for weeks to come... Hoping he is telling the truth about everything... And hoping he would not ever use again. Unfortunantely that's not the reality, and it's clearer than ever. I'm beyond thankful for this site and all of your time, advice and honest concern. It makes me feel not alone in this and has really made me think rationally. Again, thank you so much. I will not be allowing him on my property until there is change. Im protecting my daughter, unborn child, and me... Our mental wellbeing and physical wellbeing is my utmost priority and I have made that clear to him. I hope this is his rock bottom... Because if it isn't he could lead down a very very tough road much like your son. They're human beings and I have always been so compassionate... But sometimes compassion must be in the form of tough love... I'm realizing that. I have changed as a person even just in the last few days... I will never think the same. I'm grateful for the advice I have received more than I will ever be able to describe.