6 months pregnant and found out boyfriend is an addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
6 months pregnant and found out boyfriend is an addict
I found this forum from a simple google search, and am hoping I can get some sound advice as to where I should go from here...
I'm 31 years old and am pregnant with my second child. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year... ( first child is not his... She is 9 years old)
I got pregnant early on, we were together for about 4 months...unexpected of course but that is beside the point. Early in our relationship we clicked so well... I really love this guy. We share so many similarities, and so many differences, but it seemed to work so great. Upon finding out I was pregnant I was terrified and strongly considered having an abortion. Infact, I went to all appointments up until the final procedure. All the while my bf did not want me to... So with his opinion I decided the day before procedure to keep the baby and not go through with the abortion.
Fast forward 4 months and I'm now 6 months pregnant. 3 days ago I had enough. For the past few months my bf has been "off" Going out for "coffees" only to be gone for hours on end... Sleeping all the time... Never contributing to the household... There were even a couple times I had noticed small pupils and white crust around his nose. I know signs of drug use as I have seen this with friends and family. I asked several times, "are you high?" which he would laugh off and say no. So stupidly I didn't register. Chalked it up to dry boogers or sunshine... Whatever... I was just not going to delve further.
So 3 days went by... I had broken up. Sick of dealing with the behaviour. He begged me back but I am so over emotional I cannot deal with his disappearing and being so unstable. Yesterday he messaged me finally admitting to why he has been distant. He has been using hydromorphone, and smoking heroin. He says he wants to stop. Im so scared for the baby now... For the baby's safety. I still love my bf and didn't expect such a secret. I don't want to abandon him at such a time, so he asked if he can detox this weekend at my place while my daughter is at her dads. Apparently he has weaned over the past few days... But i don't know what to believe. I gave him an ultimatum. I have control of the money... He must take pee tests, and be involved in counselling. If there is any fail I will leave... He will not be able to be around baby unsupervised... And I will have to tell his parents why I made this decision. His mother is a retired opp officer.
Am I doing the right thing? Should I do less? More? I'm so confused and hurt... But I want to help him... Not just for him but for my unborn child. Any advice will be greatly appreciated and thank you so much in advance.
I'm 31 years old and am pregnant with my second child. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year... ( first child is not his... She is 9 years old)
I got pregnant early on, we were together for about 4 months...unexpected of course but that is beside the point. Early in our relationship we clicked so well... I really love this guy. We share so many similarities, and so many differences, but it seemed to work so great. Upon finding out I was pregnant I was terrified and strongly considered having an abortion. Infact, I went to all appointments up until the final procedure. All the while my bf did not want me to... So with his opinion I decided the day before procedure to keep the baby and not go through with the abortion.
Fast forward 4 months and I'm now 6 months pregnant. 3 days ago I had enough. For the past few months my bf has been "off" Going out for "coffees" only to be gone for hours on end... Sleeping all the time... Never contributing to the household... There were even a couple times I had noticed small pupils and white crust around his nose. I know signs of drug use as I have seen this with friends and family. I asked several times, "are you high?" which he would laugh off and say no. So stupidly I didn't register. Chalked it up to dry boogers or sunshine... Whatever... I was just not going to delve further.
So 3 days went by... I had broken up. Sick of dealing with the behaviour. He begged me back but I am so over emotional I cannot deal with his disappearing and being so unstable. Yesterday he messaged me finally admitting to why he has been distant. He has been using hydromorphone, and smoking heroin. He says he wants to stop. Im so scared for the baby now... For the baby's safety. I still love my bf and didn't expect such a secret. I don't want to abandon him at such a time, so he asked if he can detox this weekend at my place while my daughter is at her dads. Apparently he has weaned over the past few days... But i don't know what to believe. I gave him an ultimatum. I have control of the money... He must take pee tests, and be involved in counselling. If there is any fail I will leave... He will not be able to be around baby unsupervised... And I will have to tell his parents why I made this decision. His mother is a retired opp officer.
Am I doing the right thing? Should I do less? More? I'm so confused and hurt... But I want to help him... Not just for him but for my unborn child. Any advice will be greatly appreciated and thank you so much in advance.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Congrats on the baby! And sorry you are dealing with this now.
Head over to the Friends and Family section of the board, the people there have tons of advice and have definitely BTDT. Also, if you haven't already, check out Al-Anon or Nar Anon meetings in your area.
Head over to the Friends and Family section of the board, the people there have tons of advice and have definitely BTDT. Also, if you haven't already, check out Al-Anon or Nar Anon meetings in your area.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
That sounds like a lot to handle while you are pregnant and also raising a nine year old.
I know you are asking for advice and you are not sure what to do. Its sounds like you have already made a plan as to how to help him? No one can really change your mind with this one.
For me, given my familial past, I would not allow heroin or any other drugs in my environment. I also would ask the person to get professional help and once they are clean and sober then we can talk. They would not be allowed to detox in my home. I know you dont want to abandon him and you would not be abandoning him. Its not your job to take care of this man. Your job is to take care of your children and yourself. Children come first. You have to ensure that you are not stressed and that you are caring for yourself. He should be caring for you...... Not the other way around.
I have a hard line here with this kind of stuff. It may not be as compassionate as some would like but given my childhood with all of that I have a line in the sand and drug addicts who are using or need to recover do not cross that line. The friends and family forum may have a more compassionate response.
I know you are asking for advice and you are not sure what to do. Its sounds like you have already made a plan as to how to help him? No one can really change your mind with this one.
For me, given my familial past, I would not allow heroin or any other drugs in my environment. I also would ask the person to get professional help and once they are clean and sober then we can talk. They would not be allowed to detox in my home. I know you dont want to abandon him and you would not be abandoning him. Its not your job to take care of this man. Your job is to take care of your children and yourself. Children come first. You have to ensure that you are not stressed and that you are caring for yourself. He should be caring for you...... Not the other way around.
I have a hard line here with this kind of stuff. It may not be as compassionate as some would like but given my childhood with all of that I have a line in the sand and drug addicts who are using or need to recover do not cross that line. The friends and family forum may have a more compassionate response.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I'm sorry that you are here. In a perfect world you would be able to find joy in the baby and the relationship but instead you've got all this junk going on around you. I don't know how much experience you have in dealing with addicts but the first rule is protect yourself and family. You can give support to an addict if they truly want to quit, but you can't help them or wish them clean.
When I was pregnant with my first, my husband relapsed. He'd be gone all night. I wouldn't know where he was. He sobered up, then relapsed, then sobered up, then relapsed. I've lost count of the number of times he's sobered up and relapsed. Our son will be 12 this August. Husband just finished out patient treatment. Again.
Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with but addicts tend to get far worse before they get better. Find someone you can talk to about it who has experience. Believe what they tell you. Keep your bank account and your valuables locked up or hidden well. At one point I slept with my atm card, checks and jewelry in the front pocket of a pair of jeans.
Hang in there. Check out the family and friends forum for more support. You aren't alone in this.
When I was pregnant with my first, my husband relapsed. He'd be gone all night. I wouldn't know where he was. He sobered up, then relapsed, then sobered up, then relapsed. I've lost count of the number of times he's sobered up and relapsed. Our son will be 12 this August. Husband just finished out patient treatment. Again.
Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with but addicts tend to get far worse before they get better. Find someone you can talk to about it who has experience. Believe what they tell you. Keep your bank account and your valuables locked up or hidden well. At one point I slept with my atm card, checks and jewelry in the front pocket of a pair of jeans.
Hang in there. Check out the family and friends forum for more support. You aren't alone in this.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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I'm sorry for your situation and I do hope that you focus on yourself, your daughter and your baby-to-be. I might make a suggestion that you not think in terms of 'ultimatum', rather think of boundaries for yourself, things that will protect you and your child. An ultimatum tends to sound like a threat for him, and really, he has to decide to seek help for his addiction. You can't make him do that. But, you can take care of you and your children.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
Thank you so much. I am very thankful for your time and advice and am taking every word to heart. My child and unborn child is most important... Having researched a bit more today and reading many peoples posts and comments here has greatly helped me feel more confident in what choices I should be making. I'm mulling over my course of action, taking a more tough love stance ( get professional help on your own) rather than being a worried hopeful soul (detox at my place and please dont do this again).
I wish I were alone in this horrible situation being a person dealing with an addict, but I know I'm not the first millionth or the last millionth. It's still pretty fresh... But your advice and experiences have helped me understand a great deal and I thank you all for that.
I wish I were alone in this horrible situation being a person dealing with an addict, but I know I'm not the first millionth or the last millionth. It's still pretty fresh... But your advice and experiences have helped me understand a great deal and I thank you all for that.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
YES- I do think you are doing the right thing. Addiction causes people to change their behaviour- the important thing to them is their addiction...at all costs. I certainly changed.
You are protecting 2 lives now- you and bubs (awesome). You have shown a discipline and compassion. Do you get any support for you?
You are protecting 2 lives now- you and bubs (awesome). You have shown a discipline and compassion. Do you get any support for you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
I will be seeking professional/group support through this as a person who wants to help an addict the right way. Initially my idea (and his) was to have me help at home, but thanks to great advice and further research I have come to the conclusion that that won't be helping at all and will lead to further disappointment and a relapse from him. Being so fresh I will keep this from family and friends as I do not want to endure the many questions and judgements from them. To be honest even their sympathy at this time will make me feel awkward. Id like to seek nonbiased experienced people's help in the early stages and will admit this all family in near future. I know they will support me as they have before in other situations but I'm thinking about myself and how I will feel and putting my sanity first as being pregnant in the late stage is already so stressful.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Your responses all sound rational and mature to me. Do take it easy, mind your stress level. Take it one day at a time and keep the serenity prayer in mind.. know that if he chooses his addiction, it's because the addiction has him under its control, not because he's uncaring.
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