Happy to be here
Dee at Mt Bully
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Happy to be here
Hi everyone! I'm really happy to be here and to have the opportunity
to share. I'm kinda a mess. I'm new to Alanon--new to chat room and
not very good on a computer. What I'm not knew to is A's. My parents
were A's and now I'm married to one. Of course he doesn't think he is
an alcoholic he just has some minor problems caused by drinking. He
isn't drinking right now,but as we all know that doesn't fix things by
itself. I go to a counselor and Alanon and we go to counseling together
but nothing happens. It's like I'm just there complaining about him and
he doesn't see any problem.
He is just stuck in this huge state of denial. Both of our counselors say
that if I don't go with him to counseling he will not see the light and
ther won't be much hope for our marriage. It would be really easy to
just give up on him but I keep remembering the guy I met 13 years ago
and I think he's still in there somewhere.
Hanging on--Dee
to share. I'm kinda a mess. I'm new to Alanon--new to chat room and
not very good on a computer. What I'm not knew to is A's. My parents
were A's and now I'm married to one. Of course he doesn't think he is
an alcoholic he just has some minor problems caused by drinking. He
isn't drinking right now,but as we all know that doesn't fix things by
itself. I go to a counselor and Alanon and we go to counseling together
but nothing happens. It's like I'm just there complaining about him and
he doesn't see any problem.
He is just stuck in this huge state of denial. Both of our counselors say
that if I don't go with him to counseling he will not see the light and
ther won't be much hope for our marriage. It would be really easy to
just give up on him but I keep remembering the guy I met 13 years ago
and I think he's still in there somewhere.
Hanging on--Dee
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Dee - I can totally relate. We tried the counseling thing too, a few times - it didn't work because he didn't want it too. Of course we weren't working on his drinking at the time, we were working on our marriage - there were problems because of his drinking. He would tell me that AA don't work and counseling don't work, he's been there done that. He admits that he needs to something, but he wont's and hasn't. He's in denial too. I'm not sure who I fell in love with. I lost myself and him somewhere in the last 14 years. That's why I'm here.
You came to the right place. There are alot of people here to help and who offer their support and encouragment to help keep you on the right track.
You came to the right place. There are alot of people here to help and who offer their support and encouragment to help keep you on the right track.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Dee...welcome!
It sounds like your counselors need to have their license's examined! Hubby is not going to "see the light" because of anything you do or do not do.
If there is something you want to do Al Anon would be your best bet. There you will meet people who know where you are and you will learn a valuable lesson. You cannot change another person.
Hugs,
JT
It sounds like your counselors need to have their license's examined! Hubby is not going to "see the light" because of anything you do or do not do.
If there is something you want to do Al Anon would be your best bet. There you will meet people who know where you are and you will learn a valuable lesson. You cannot change another person.
Hugs,
JT
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I have to agree with JT....whatever you do will have no reflection on him in regard to his alcoholism. It's totally up to him whether he chooses recovery over continuing drinking.
As to your marriage, there's so much that goes along with that package. Alcoholism is only one of the problems.
Take one day at a time and one thing at a time. But the most important thing is for you to take care of yourself. Keep up the meetings.
Just a suggestion.... talk to folks at your alanon meetings to see if they can recommend a therapist for you, him or the two of you who is familiar with alcoholism. Story: My husband and I went to a psychiatrist about his drinking and I was fully blamed for his boozing. I was the one at fault. So, of course, he used it as an excuse to drink. Dr. So and so said you're the reason why I drink. Of course, we never did continue with the therapy to see exactly why I was the reason.
Thank God I found another fellow who was well versed with alcoholism and he informed me that the idiot who told us that I was too blame had his license to practice any medicine revoked. The guy was a nut job. Literally.
So, finding someone who is familiar with alcoholism, alanon and healing might be a good idea because they'll be able to work with you and your hubby.
Good luck and take care of yourself, Kathy
As to your marriage, there's so much that goes along with that package. Alcoholism is only one of the problems.
Take one day at a time and one thing at a time. But the most important thing is for you to take care of yourself. Keep up the meetings.
Just a suggestion.... talk to folks at your alanon meetings to see if they can recommend a therapist for you, him or the two of you who is familiar with alcoholism. Story: My husband and I went to a psychiatrist about his drinking and I was fully blamed for his boozing. I was the one at fault. So, of course, he used it as an excuse to drink. Dr. So and so said you're the reason why I drink. Of course, we never did continue with the therapy to see exactly why I was the reason.
Thank God I found another fellow who was well versed with alcoholism and he informed me that the idiot who told us that I was too blame had his license to practice any medicine revoked. The guy was a nut job. Literally.
So, finding someone who is familiar with alcoholism, alanon and healing might be a good idea because they'll be able to work with you and your hubby.
Good luck and take care of yourself, Kathy
Dee at Mt Bully
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Hi everyone! Thanks for all your resonses. One thing I'm hearing loud and strong
is that I can't fix his A problem. Of course you're right in saying that there is a
lot of other baggage that goes with drinking. The counselor that I see by myself
is the one who heped me see that he is an alcoholic. She is actual very good and
and I don't know what I would do without her. My husband is very passive aggresive
and so the counselor we see together says she needs me to get him to open up.
Personnally I'm tired of doing his emotional work and I'm beginning to think I
don't want anything to do with any of his mess or him.
WOW I didn't realize I felt that strongly about it. Maybe there really is something to all
this hunt and peck typing. Love to all--Dee
is that I can't fix his A problem. Of course you're right in saying that there is a
lot of other baggage that goes with drinking. The counselor that I see by myself
is the one who heped me see that he is an alcoholic. She is actual very good and
and I don't know what I would do without her. My husband is very passive aggresive
and so the counselor we see together says she needs me to get him to open up.
Personnally I'm tired of doing his emotional work and I'm beginning to think I
don't want anything to do with any of his mess or him.
WOW I didn't realize I felt that strongly about it. Maybe there really is something to all
this hunt and peck typing. Love to all--Dee
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Personnally I'm tired of doing his emotional work
Behind the drinking he is as emotionally connected as most men I guess, he loves me, provides well and is honest and faithful. He was a questionable Dad but he is an awesome PaPa and he really tries to be the best man he can be.
In Al Anon and beyond I have learned to appreciate what he is instead of focusing on what he isn't. Some days are easier than others but that is true in any marriage. I guess what I am saying is, if you take away the alcohol what do you have? I know I can't change him so the question becomes can I live with him the way he is?
One more thing...it is said in the program that when we change it can set in motion a chain of events. Change creates change. That also was true for me. As I changed so did he...as I changed my marriage improved. And he still drinks.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Originally Posted by Dee at Mt Bully
I keep remembering the guy I met 13 years ago
I concentrated so hard on the drinking and blamed it for everything. When I was able to separate the drinking from the man, I could see whether I was living with the wonderful man I knew or a man that I wouldn't want to live with - whether he was drinking or not.
L
Dee at Mt Bully
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Hi again! I don't think I'm looking for the guy I knew 10+ years ago however
I need at least part of him. Right now my AH is just not emotionaly available.
He has no feelings or emotions that he shows or expresses and he doesn't say or
do anything to show he wants to save this marriage. He says he does'nt want
a seperation of any kind but he does not take any action physically or verbally
to back up that statement. Is this as clear as mud?! He has a good job and is
very respected at work. He has had the same job for 11+ years--not violent--
verbally abusive sometimes--Like if he's been drinking and he says anything. He
just kind of takes up space. Maybe I should decorate him and I could change his
decor with the seasons. Hope you are all having an UP day. It's beautiful here
sunny and crisp day. I should go breath some fresh air. It's a big lift for me to
read your messages. Thank You all
Smiles--Dee
I need at least part of him. Right now my AH is just not emotionaly available.
He has no feelings or emotions that he shows or expresses and he doesn't say or
do anything to show he wants to save this marriage. He says he does'nt want
a seperation of any kind but he does not take any action physically or verbally
to back up that statement. Is this as clear as mud?! He has a good job and is
very respected at work. He has had the same job for 11+ years--not violent--
verbally abusive sometimes--Like if he's been drinking and he says anything. He
just kind of takes up space. Maybe I should decorate him and I could change his
decor with the seasons. Hope you are all having an UP day. It's beautiful here
sunny and crisp day. I should go breath some fresh air. It's a big lift for me to
read your messages. Thank You all
Smiles--Dee
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