Ghosts Don't Haunt Us...

Old 07-04-2017, 09:17 AM
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Ghosts Don't Haunt Us...



I stumbled across this when looking for a picture to post in another thread, and it was like the sun shone bright and full in my window after weeks of gray, rainy days, a real AHA moment.

I'd referred in another thread to how I'd been knocked for a loop by someone posting about kicking her 18-year-old daughter out of the house. I'd replied to that post and it just ripped the lid off of a whole load of things in my childhood and young adulthood that I hadn't thought about in a long time.

Since then, I'd been sleeping poorly, feeling anxious, off-kilter, exhausted, crying easily. Not "ruin-my-life" stuff, but just "this is a pretty unpleasant time" kind of stuff. And I read this today and I thought "WOW!! None of that crap has ANY power other than what I choose to give it! My past isn't 'haunting' me--it has no volition of its own, no means to actively DO anything to me. It's just there."

All the power, all the decisions, are in MY hands (or head). No one and nothing is forcing me to look at those things or feel those things again--I CAN and WILL turn loose of them. I do not need to punish myself for what I now know wasn't my fault. I do not need to remind myself that I'm not good enough when, in fact, I AM good enough. I've already lived through it; it can't hurt me.

All I need to do is acknowledge it whenever it comes up, and then let it go. No need for fear, just forgiveness and release.

This might be hard. It might not. What I do know is that it's absolutely necessary, and that there will be so much more joy and freedom and so much less fear in my life when it's done. And I am so grateful to have had this insight given/sent to me. Thanks to everyone who's helped me get from where I started to right here, right now.

Just thanks.

I hope that by posting this here, others who are struggling with memories, be they good or bad, will realize that memories reallyare just ghosts, and we don't have to let them "haunt" us. We can choose, and each time we choose, things change a little bit more.
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Old 07-04-2017, 09:28 AM
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Sending you a huge hug.

I understand, I really do, how hard it is to evict those memories. My DH just came home (he is a lovely guy) and I caught myself tensing up. Why? From living with my father for 18 years...40 years ago.

Sending you hopes for peace in our minds...
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Old 07-04-2017, 09:35 AM
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Thanks, Aries--I know there are a whole lot of us walking around responding to today's situations w/yesterday's thoughts, feelings, reflexes, attitudes. And it doesn't work.

I think of what "letting go" meant to me 4 years ago when I first came here, and of how that original idea has broadened and deepened. It means so much more now. It used to feel like an empty space, "letting go." Now it feels like something strong and solid instead, a powerful horse for me to ride to the clouds on.
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Old 07-04-2017, 10:16 AM
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I remember the first time that i decided to let something go, to acknowledge to myself that it was someone else's deal, not mine, and that i could choose not to be affected by it.
I could choose! Who knew?
I literally felt the weight lifting from my shoulders.
I actually felt lighter.
I could feel my face relaxing, the frown easing.
It was great.
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Old 07-04-2017, 12:11 PM
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Old 07-05-2017, 04:29 AM
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What a great insight, honeypig! I'm so happy you are finding a way to let go! Great image to use when feeling "haunted."

I recently had to also deal with ghosts: but friendly ghosts, which was almost as painful. My mother used to send me for a few weeks in the summertime to stay with my great aunt at her summer cottage. It was an oasis away from the chaotic home front. I spent summers there from the time I was about 7 years told until my great aunt died at 92 when I was 21.

I was so attached to the memories of that idyllic life that I became obsessed with the memories. I would pine over never being able to own the cottage (my mother sold it shortly after my aunt died); when Google street view came out, I would look at it frequently to make sure no one was tampering with it. I actually went there when I was driving through the area one time and visited the owners--which was a very happy experience because they had barely touched it in 40 years. I had frequent dreams and nightmares about developers going through and tearing it down.

I recently saw a little house for sale that reminded me of the summer cottage, and I was obsessed with the thought of buying it. I am seriously considering moving to that area within the next year. The little house was extremely cheap, but more importantly, it looked so much like my aunt's cottage, inside and out. I was devastated when I saw someone had bought it.

My aha was realizing that those memories are mine and that I can recreate the experience in my life without having to carry around this heavy burden of obsession with the house itself. I can create the simple life my aunt gifted me. I think going forward, when I do buy another house, I don't have to try to relive the past. My next step doesn't have to be a stone fireplace, or timber vaulted ceilings that smell of salt, or Craftsman windows and wide porches. I can make my own "present" with the peace, serenity, beauty, simplicity, love and creativity that were the true hallmarks of my summers. What I left behind in 1972 when my aunt died is within my grasp today, because it wasn't about the house, it was about the experience she created, and I can do that. So no more seeking a "child" to replace the one that "died." Life goes forward.

Thanks so much for posting this.
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Old 07-05-2017, 04:59 AM
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Solo....I had a very similar situation during my childhood...except it was with my grandmother, on her farm, deep in the mountains of West Virginia...Her siblings lived on neighboring farms.....I lived there until I was school age...and then moved to the city with my mother..I went back, every holiday and every summer..
Solo--your very words..."peace, serenity, beauty, love, and creativity"...describe, perfectly what I first experienced on that farm and in the woodlands.....
I use those memories of that place, and the feelings that come with them, as my "safe place" to go, in my mind... I can transport myself there, any time that I want to or need to....those memories...they are my precious treasures..
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Old 07-05-2017, 05:06 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Solo....I had a very similar situation during my childhood...except it was with my grandmother, on her farm, deep in the mountains of West Virginia...Her siblings lived on neighboring farms.....I lived there until I was school age...and then moved to the city with my mother..I went back, every holiday and every summer..
Solo--your very words..."peace, serenity, beauty, love, and creativity"...describe, perfectly what I first experienced on that farm and in the woodlands.....
I use those memories of that place, and the feelings that come with them, as my "safe place" to go, in my mind... I can transport myself there, any time that I want to or need to....those memories...they are my precious treasures..
We were very lucky, weren't we!
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Old 07-05-2017, 05:14 AM
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Solo...Yes, we were!
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Old 07-05-2017, 09:14 AM
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Solo and dandy, what beautiful posts from each of you!

I especially appreciate the sharing about how we can get stuck monitoring or trying to re-create a GOOD past. It sounds as if it can be every bit as draining in its own way as dealing with bad memories.
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Old 07-05-2017, 09:21 AM
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Homes and their meanings fascinate me in general. One of my very favorite movies is "House of Sand and Fog." I highly recommend it. Jennifer Connelly plays an alcoholic who neglects paying her property taxes and has her home seized. An Iranian family who escaped Iran buy it. Very powerful story, and powerful performances.
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Old 07-05-2017, 09:23 AM
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I love this so much, thanks Honeypig!
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Old 07-11-2017, 09:54 PM
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bumping this up
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Old 01-27-2018, 03:03 AM
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bumping this up once again--I needed to read it myself again today, betting there may be others who could benefit also.
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