Advice from those who have Lived Through This....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Memphis TN
Posts: 5
Advice from those who have Lived Through This....
I am looking for information regarding parenting children of alcoholic parents: Here is my situation in a nutshell and what I am looking for:
I have two children (ages 9 and 5). I am divorced from their A father. They rarely see him as I only allow visits when he is sober (which is almost never). He and I seperated when my oldest was 4. While that seems quite young, he had a very close bond with his father and has very vivid memories of some of their times together. He struggles continuosly with the whole feelings of abandonment issue. I have been to alanon as well as counseling and have him seeing a counselor several times per month. The younger child really doesn't know her father very well other than the fact that he's her dad and when he's around there is always something fun to do. Anyway, long long story short I am looking for information or ideas of ways to help the older one cope. His therapist has mentioned alatots, which I am going to look into, and I have read a couple of books that mentioned helping kids cope.
This is a child with a heart so huge and full of hurt and love that he crys himself to sleep worrying whether or not his dad has a warm place to sleep tonight, or enough food to eat today. He is so gentile and such a sweet spirit (much like his father was at his age, or so I am told). My ex is an A, his father and mother are/were A, I have to give my son the tools he needs to stop this cycle. There have got to be other parents out there going through this same struggle that I can talk to....please respond if you can relate or have some guidance on this issue.
I am also going to post this over in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. To see if there are any folks that have been through this, that could offer some advice as to what they wish they had been given to help them cope while growing up in a dysfunctional home. There are lots of books to help kids deal with living with an active A, but I am having trouble finding any that address NOT living/seeing the A parent.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I really need some help.
I have two children (ages 9 and 5). I am divorced from their A father. They rarely see him as I only allow visits when he is sober (which is almost never). He and I seperated when my oldest was 4. While that seems quite young, he had a very close bond with his father and has very vivid memories of some of their times together. He struggles continuosly with the whole feelings of abandonment issue. I have been to alanon as well as counseling and have him seeing a counselor several times per month. The younger child really doesn't know her father very well other than the fact that he's her dad and when he's around there is always something fun to do. Anyway, long long story short I am looking for information or ideas of ways to help the older one cope. His therapist has mentioned alatots, which I am going to look into, and I have read a couple of books that mentioned helping kids cope.
This is a child with a heart so huge and full of hurt and love that he crys himself to sleep worrying whether or not his dad has a warm place to sleep tonight, or enough food to eat today. He is so gentile and such a sweet spirit (much like his father was at his age, or so I am told). My ex is an A, his father and mother are/were A, I have to give my son the tools he needs to stop this cycle. There have got to be other parents out there going through this same struggle that I can talk to....please respond if you can relate or have some guidance on this issue.
I am also going to post this over in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. To see if there are any folks that have been through this, that could offer some advice as to what they wish they had been given to help them cope while growing up in a dysfunctional home. There are lots of books to help kids deal with living with an active A, but I am having trouble finding any that address NOT living/seeing the A parent.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I really need some help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
I grew up with an active alcoholic parent. Here are some of the things I needed to know.
That I wasn't alone.
That it wasn't my fault that my mother drank.
That I didn't need to feel embarassed.
That my mother had a disease, in other words...that she didn't drink to hurt our family.
That I could talk to people about my feelings regarding her drinking.
That I wasn't any less of a person because my mother was an alcoholic.
All of these things I found in Alateen.
I'm not familiar with Alatots, but I'm sure it's similar to Alateen.
Kids can and do heal from the wounds they suffer from this disease.
Love and understanding are the best things you can give your child.
He is lucky to have a Mother who cares for him so much.
That I wasn't alone.
That it wasn't my fault that my mother drank.
That I didn't need to feel embarassed.
That my mother had a disease, in other words...that she didn't drink to hurt our family.
That I could talk to people about my feelings regarding her drinking.
That I wasn't any less of a person because my mother was an alcoholic.
All of these things I found in Alateen.
I'm not familiar with Alatots, but I'm sure it's similar to Alateen.
Kids can and do heal from the wounds they suffer from this disease.
Love and understanding are the best things you can give your child.
He is lucky to have a Mother who cares for him so much.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi Tarver,
At my first Al-Ateen meeting, 112 years ago...grin, a girl came and shared about her fear that her A father would fall asleep with a cigarette in his mouth and burn the house down while they slept.
Our sponsor told her to go to bed, pull her bedroom door shut, open the window, and practice getting out of the house.
She told us over, and over, and over... it was not up to us to save our parents. It was God's decision. He would bring each of us back when it was our time, and no one could change that.
That seemed a little religious to me at the time, but the message stuck. It was not up to me to save my mother and father.
I hope you can find a way to let your children know that it is perfectly ok to love Dad, but that God (or a Higher Power) loves him just as much and is much better at watching out for him. The best way to teach that.... is to show that.
Keep going to the meetings!!! I know they are saving MY life.
BigSis
At my first Al-Ateen meeting, 112 years ago...grin, a girl came and shared about her fear that her A father would fall asleep with a cigarette in his mouth and burn the house down while they slept.
Our sponsor told her to go to bed, pull her bedroom door shut, open the window, and practice getting out of the house.
She told us over, and over, and over... it was not up to us to save our parents. It was God's decision. He would bring each of us back when it was our time, and no one could change that.
That seemed a little religious to me at the time, but the message stuck. It was not up to me to save my mother and father.
I hope you can find a way to let your children know that it is perfectly ok to love Dad, but that God (or a Higher Power) loves him just as much and is much better at watching out for him. The best way to teach that.... is to show that.
Keep going to the meetings!!! I know they are saving MY life.
BigSis
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
My son is an alcoholic and has a son that I care for on a regular basis. My son is in his life very very little. The thing that I practice is honesty. I remember growing up with adults hiding things from me and little minds have a way of turning things inward. I tell my grandson pretty much everything I know including that his father is in jail. I ask how he is feeling and what he is thinking. I am praying that by keeping communication open that he won't grow up like me. Wondering if it was all my fault.
Hugs,
JT
Hugs,
JT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Memphis TN
Posts: 5
Thank you so much for the replies, this is excactly the kind of feedback I am looking for. JT..I too have found that honesty seems to work best in helping my son cope. The truth is harsh and it sucks big time...but at least it is concreate and he can try to get a handle on it as opposed to the open ended "what the heck is wrong with my dad". It is reassuring to know that there are others out there working through these issues and making progress! Thanks.....
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