Growing concern about my Mother in Law

Old 07-03-2017, 06:36 AM
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Growing concern about my Mother in Law

I'm worried about my mother in law. She's started exhibiting traits that show she's heading down an unhealthy path (hiding empties, binge drinking, nightly consumption, etc). My father in law has brought it up to her in a past a couple times, as well as my wife...and the convo has gotten nowhere. And it sounds like more recently my mother in law has taken a much firmer stance when people bring it up. She either threatens to leave my father in law or she'll tell my wife she won't provide daycare anymore.

I honesty feel like she isn't happy in her current situation...that she wants something different in her life but she feels trapped and her drinking is her release.

I'm looking for any advice on how to approach her and figure this out.

Thanks.
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Old 07-03-2017, 06:44 AM
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Well, first off, I wouldn't have her providing day care for my children if this is what's going on. She can't be trusted to care for them properly. She may be drinking during the day and hiding it. Suppose one of the kids had an accident and she had to drive them to the ER? And many alcoholics overestimate their ability to drive when they have alcohol in their systems.

You could be right that she started to drink because her life is unhappy, but once you get to the point where she apparently is (hiding bottles etc.) then simply changing the life circumstances won't remedy the alcoholism--that's there for good.

You can certainly express your concerns to her, but I wouldn't expect a particularly receptive response. Especially if you don't want her caring for the kids any more. She is likely to heap a huge amount of guilt and anger on you and your wife. But the safety of your kids has to take priority over her wounded feelings. Even if it feels like you're causing family drama, it's your job to endure that if it's necessary to protect your children. You can tell her she's welcome to spend time with them at your house, but as long as her drinking remains unaddressed you are not comfortable leaving the kids in her care.

Obviously this is something you need to discuss with your wife, but it's something that must be done.
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Old 07-03-2017, 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted by gerbel View Post
And it sounds like more recently my mother in law has taken a much firmer stance when people bring it up. She either threatens to leave my father in law or she'll tell my wife she won't provide daycare anymore.


I'm looking for any advice on how to approach her and figure this out.

.
imo, thats not taking a firmer stance- its taking hostages and setting the ransom. if it escelates like anything my drinking did, there will always be a new ransom to be met

best advise i can think of is
take lexiecats advise.
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Old 07-03-2017, 06:55 AM
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Hi, gerbel.
I agree that you and your wife have to do whats necessary to protect the children.
Does your mil drink during the day, if that is when she is caring for the littles?
Even if she doesn't, she is likely not at her best because she is hungover.
Not a good scenario for the kids.
At the end of the day, this is your mil's choice.
Well, if she is addicted to alcohol, choice went out the window some time back.
What I am saying is, you can't control someone else's behavior, but you can control your response to it.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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Old 07-03-2017, 07:14 AM
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She either threatens to leave my father in law or she'll tell my wife she won't provide daycare anymore.
I'm worried about my mother in law. She's started exhibiting traits that show she's heading down an unhealthy path (hiding empties, binge drinking, nightly consumption, etc).
WOOOW, those two statements DO NOT MIX at all!!!!

If there is a worry about someone’s drinking than that someone should NEVER be allowed to be a care provider of children.

Always remember……..”family” is not a license for abuse or having to accept unacceptable behaviors.
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Old 07-03-2017, 09:20 AM
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When my STBXAH changed from being apologetic for his drinking to saying this was how it was going to be, he had given enough and he was going to continue with his behavior, our marriage counselor told me that that is the language of alcoholism progressing. Unless the person wants to address their problems, there is nothing you can do for THEM. Just take care of your children and your family.
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Old 07-03-2017, 11:29 AM
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Kids are the priority. No exceptions.

My father had suspicions that my nanny was emotionally unstable, but she was very good at hiding it when my parents were around. If your MIL is sneaking alcohol into her daily routine, you have no idea if she's being emotionally abusive towards your children. My nanny used needles so she couldn't leave marks, but that really wasn't the worst part of it. It was the walking on eggshells on a daily basis that really caused the most distress. My sister and I had no idea if she was going to love us or scream at us. My sister internalized it. I ended up cutting her out of my life completely, even though my family told me that I needed to forgive her (especially my dad.) . Now that my sister has fallen down the rabbit hole, my family has dropped that as an issue.

I'm a working mother, and I KNOW how stressful finding day care can be, but this is something you cannot mess around with. Your kids will most likely clam up if you ask if anything is wrong with MIL. My nanny threatened to give my parents a laundry list of everything that was bad about us if we said anything, and because we were very young we believed her. You do not want your kids to have the same experience.

Last edited by PuzzledHeart; 07-03-2017 at 11:30 AM. Reason: Grammar. Always grammar. Who knows what else I missed?
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Old 07-04-2017, 05:57 AM
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The "growing" concern is that there just appears to be some red flags flying that have started popping up over the last few months or so. She has watched my children for the last five years and my nieces/nephews over the last six in different capacities. Never once has there been an instance where she's seemed under the influence.

I just know, based on my own unhealthy relationship with alcohol, that there is a potential for things to spin out of control. She doesn't drink hard booze or wine and the instances in which we've found empty beer cans have been at her house when we are there visiting. She watches the children at our home and I've never discovered anything suspicious. We have plenty of alcohol around our house that is easily accessible and it's never been messed with.

I just fear that her habits right now are a result of wanting to drink and feeling like she's going to be judged or ridiculed so she hides it. As those habits are reaffirmed and she builds on them, I fear that's when things may become an even bigger problem.

I've been around her when she's drunk, she's quite a bit more talkative than normal and usually a little louder. She's never been anywhere close to that when she's watching the kids. I think her fear of upsetting my father in law or my wife and her siblings has steered her away from ever drinking when she's watching the kids solo.

Previously I never really paid too much attention to her drinking habits because I was too far gone in my unhealthy ways. Now that I've come to realization that my relationship with booze was out of the control it's like I've been shown her habits in a whole new light. My children adore their grandmother and she's always been a positive person in their life. i don't want them to miss out on something that is so important to them.

My hope is that during my wife's maturnity leave (coming up in a couple weeks) will give my MIL the chance to reflect a little and take a breather. I also hope it gives us the chance to talk with her about stuff in a nonthreatening manner. I have been in her shoes and I've done the exact same things she's doing. I hope to get thru to her.
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Old 07-04-2017, 06:09 AM
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Good luck, gerbel. I hope things work out.
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Old 07-04-2017, 06:20 AM
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Some of us are very, very good at hiding our drinking. I used to carry small bottles when I traveled. And in terms of "looking drunk," as the alcoholism progresses it may appear someone is sober when they are actually drinking to keep withdrawal at bay. Which might make them FEEL better, but still unsafe to drive and leaving them with impaired judgment.

I'd keep a VERY close eye on this situation, and if there's even a SUGGESTION that she's drinking while caring for the kids, take action immediately. Remember, she probably feels she's totally OK--it doesn't mean that she IS.
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Old 07-04-2017, 07:41 AM
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If this were my MIL:

1. Don't let her watch the kids, and only allow interaction with supervision.
2. The rest is "not mine to pick up" (aka not my circus/monkeys).

Watched this play out in my own family. Thankfully I had good advice and didn't get involved in the drama.
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Old 07-04-2017, 09:41 AM
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If you have a history of problem drinking and your spidey-sense is tingling around MIL - I would pay attention to it. It sounds like she has made it clear to everyone that she is going to choose drinking over people (by saying she's going to leave her husband if he brings it up, or that she'll stop providing care for her grandkids).

So that's what you know - when (not if) it comes down to a choice between good relationships with family members and alcohol, she's going to pick alcohol. At least you have some advance notice of what's going to happen.

With this knowledge, how can you facilitate your kids having a decent relationships with their grandmother while also remaining safe? Maybe by switching to non-family child care and seeing MIL on weekends for short periods of time?
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