SoloMio

We don't cry.

I remember reading something to the effect that he hasn't cried in years. I don't consider that admirable, or macho, or cool. But I haven't cried in years either.

At this point I feel I am so emotionally constipated I'm worried, and I feel that in order to get through the next stage of my life, whatever that may be, I have to process some sadness. This whole damn disease is so sad. But I'm focusing on being "strong." There's a place for that, but not now.

Any suggestions?

dandylion

Why Can't I Cry? How Resistance, Avoidance and Acting Out Thwart the Emotional Healing Process

LexieCat

I'm not a cry-er either. I don't feel "emotionally constipated" and I don't think I lack empathy. I think the last time I cried was in anger/frustration at a work situation back in 2007 or 2008. At one time in my life I cried a whole lot. And when I was drinking I would get maudlin and cry.

I like to think that at some point I simply evolved to where I don't cry. I feel grief/sadness but I don't think tears are necessary to experience, process, or express those feelings.

SoloMio

I'm going to take time and read this. It looks great, dandylion. Thank you.

SaveHer

Have you tried exercise? Sometimes physical exertion leads to emotional release. Yoga is especially helpful for me. I find that I'll cry during savasana when I've been holding back for awhile. Just happened two weeks ago, in fact!

SoloMio

That makes me feel better. Thanks, Lexie.

And the maudlin, drinking thing. Maybe that's why I think about not crying--AH is a chronic maudlin crier. I saw him cry 3 times just today. So maybe it's just the stark contrast.

LexieCat

I'd go more by what you feel inside than how you express your feelings. If posting here, talking things out with someone, scrubbing the toilet with a vengeance, or whatever helps you manage your feelings and gives you some relief, then I'm not sure what crying would do for you. Crying can be cathartic, but so can other things. Personally, figuring out something to DO about whatever is bothering me helps a whole lot. Maybe I can't fix the entire problem, but at least I'm doing what is within my power to do. When I cry, I think it makes me feel powerless--like a victim. And I don't like that feeling. This is JUST ME, I'm not suggesting there is anything wrong with folks who DO cry, and even cry easily. It's just different styles of processing things.

I have yet to cry over my probable cancer. If I got the worst possible news, I'm not sure I would cry.

Do you remember that Betty Rollin book/movie (Mary Tyler Moore was in the movie), "First You Cry," about her breast cancer? I'm thinking of writing a book about my experience, but it will be called "First You Roll Your Eyes."

dandylion

Why Do We Cry? The Science of Crying | Time.com

Solomio....here is another one for you...from a slightly different context....

LexieCat

Interesting article. And it kinda goes with my sense that crying makes me feel like a victim. Expressing vulnerability has never done me any good. Either someone has taken advantage of the knowledge or it has just left me feeling crappy.

I don't think I"m pathological in that regard, just toward the other side of the spectrum.

ETA: I think it also makes some difference how your family expressed themselves. Some families/ethnic groups have been socialized to be very demonstrative--yelling, screaming, crying, etc. I'm from a Scandinavian family that was always vaguely non-demonstrative. Not cold, exactly, but not "hot"--I don't feel that it's harmed me, but I do think it affects how I sometimes come off. I've been told by people that when they first met me they thought I was standoffish and maybe considered myself a bit superior. That usually goes away when they get to know me better, and I actually try to be conscious of NOT coming off that way when I can help it.

aliciagr

Emotionally speaking there is also the issue of becoming "desensitized". Not sure what all you have been through, but sometimes people with PTSD or the like have trouble crying, or feeling. It also happens with service workers.. who deal with trauma on a daily basis.

You said you feel "emotionally constipated" - do you feel that you might be suffering from depression? Do you feel sad, or like you've been through so much there is a loss of emotion? Or do you think you have swapped sadness for anger, etc which might just be your coping mechanism at work.

And as a side note.. ever seen the EYE LOVE commercial? Chronic Dry Eye. The tear ducts just dont produce tears very well.

SoloMio

haha... that's great! Yeah, I relate to that. I also relate to being pretty stoic just generally--but it doesn't prevent me from feeling joy. In terms of FOO, now that I think of it, I don't think I ever saw my mother or father(s) cry. Or my relatives.

My favorite aunt lost her husband to Alzheimer's a couple of years ago. About a year after that, I went to visit her, and she was talking about her sister, and she just started welling up a little. She grabbed a Kleenex, said "excuse me" and stepped into another room for about 30 seconds and then came back, sat down and resumed the conversation. I think she thought it would be unseemly to cry in front of me.

So, yeah, maybe I'm just hardwired to not cry. I journal profusely, though. I cry words.

SoloMio

I'm definitely not depressed. I love my life, basically. I feel frustration and a sense of being held back. To your point, I may be swapping sadness for anger--there's a thought. And maybe desensitized a little, which has gotten me through 40 years (minus 4 sober) with an active alcoholic.

LexieCat

I remember seeing my mom cry only twice. One was when our dog died, and the other was when she got terribly upset because when they flew me out to Hawaii (where they were living at the time) immediately after I'd taken the bar exam (it was my graduation gift), I didn't feel like sightseeing for a few days. Jet lag, exhaustion from the bar exam--I just wanted to relax for a few days. She was heartbroken because she couldn't wait to show me her island paradise. I really didn't intend to hurt her feelings, but I probably was snappish in asking her to just give me a chance to regroup and quit bugging me.

Anyway, it's true. Even when she was dying of cancer and saw my older son for the only time she would ever see him, she didn't cry. She didn't cry when she was dying in the hospital, either. I'm like her in a lot of ways.

mylifeismine

Watched a sad movie lately? Beaches, Terms of Endearment,
Steel Magnolias........ A sad movie usually gets me going....

And watching alone could be more therapeutic for your
intentions.

healthyagain

I hate when I feel like crying, but cannot. Because it is such a relief. Sobbing before I fall asleep and getting up in the morning as good as new, as if the tears were refreshing.

One thing that DT and I have in common is that he does not drink alcohol at all, or at least he says so. Do not want to go into anything political, but I kinda like that, probably only that.

LexieCat

I dunno... sometimes I think it would be more comforting if he DID drink. I mean, a person CAN get sober, but....

SoloMio

Yeah, I do sob at movies, although I haven't done that in a long time. Most tear-jerking for me: Terms of Endearment is great for that, but also Dad (with Jack Lemmon), Schindler's List, Stella, and some of the classic musicals will REALLY get me going: Camelot, Carousel, Man of La Mancha, and Les Miz.

I was uncontrollable when I read We Were the Mulvaneys by Joyce Carol Oates. If you want to read a powerful book about the impact of one event on a family and the different ways in which people cope with grief, this is it.

healthyagain

But then again, I cannot stop wondering what those initials of his really stand for.

I better stop now.

mylifeismine

I'd say a sad movie is a good way then to get the ball rolling......

NYCDoglvr

My sponsor cries buckets and I'm always so jealous of her. I spent a lifetime trying to shove down feelings and it's very hard to bring them to the surface.