Is it possible for marriage to survive?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 7
Is it possible for marriage to survive?
I am 36 years old, have an almost 2 year old daughter, and a son due in 3 months, and I'm married to a functioning alcoholic. I love him and want to be supportive, but it's taken a huge toll on me. Please share if you have a success story. I'm just scared this relationship is doomed. The only thing keeping me hanging on is that my husband admitted he had a problem and has enrolled in a 10 week outpatient program 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. Please help me figure this out! Thanks!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Courtcd. Welcome to SR.
That your husband has admitted to having a problem and in an outpatient program is a very good first step.
It is, however, just the beginning.
I think more will be revealed in time.
Meantime, take care of yourself. Let your husband work his program, and just take it a day at a time.
That your husband has admitted to having a problem and in an outpatient program is a very good first step.
It is, however, just the beginning.
I think more will be revealed in time.
Meantime, take care of yourself. Let your husband work his program, and just take it a day at a time.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yes, what's most important right now is for you to take care of yourself and your kiddos. If you are able to get to Al-Anon, that will probably be a huge help for you. Al-Anon is not AA--it is a program for family/friends of alcoholics. It isn't directly related to AA (though it uses a similar 12-step approach), and it doesn't matter whether your husband is in AA (or even whether he agrees with it) because Al-Anon is for YOU.
Nobody can predict what the outcome will be of someone else's alcoholism. Some people grab onto recovery immediately and go on to have a terrific recovery and terrific lives. Others may go through the motions of rehab/AA, etc., but not truly be ready to give up drinking. Those folks may wind up blaming you for the drinking, or accusing you of making a "big deal" over nothing.
There's really no way to tell which way it will go, but if you take good care of YOU, you will be in the best position to see things as they actually are, rather than how you hope/fear they are.
Hugs, and I also suggest you learn all you can about alcoholism. There isn't a whole lot you can do to make someone else get sober or to help them, but by learning about the disease you will have a better idea what you and he are both dealing with and you can avoid doing things that can make matters worse (trying to micromanage his recovery, or looking for hidden bottles, or obsessing about how many meetings he's gone to, etc.)
Nobody can predict what the outcome will be of someone else's alcoholism. Some people grab onto recovery immediately and go on to have a terrific recovery and terrific lives. Others may go through the motions of rehab/AA, etc., but not truly be ready to give up drinking. Those folks may wind up blaming you for the drinking, or accusing you of making a "big deal" over nothing.
There's really no way to tell which way it will go, but if you take good care of YOU, you will be in the best position to see things as they actually are, rather than how you hope/fear they are.
Hugs, and I also suggest you learn all you can about alcoholism. There isn't a whole lot you can do to make someone else get sober or to help them, but by learning about the disease you will have a better idea what you and he are both dealing with and you can avoid doing things that can make matters worse (trying to micromanage his recovery, or looking for hidden bottles, or obsessing about how many meetings he's gone to, etc.)
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 61
I Agree!!!! You must take care of yourself and your kiddies, I don't know the ins and outs but he has to do this for himself. I tried to stop drinking for my family and failed on many occasions, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. And I am saying this from an alcoholics point of view, I destroyed my family whilst trying to get sober because I didn't want to ....... now I see my kids once a month!!!!
Take care of yourself, thinking of you
Take care of yourself, thinking of you
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I have a success story (but probably not in the way you meant it). I ended a ten-year relationshtop with the father of my daughter only six weeks after she was born. It wasn't easy. It was very scary. But it was for the best.
Your situation is different from mine because my qualifier never sought treatment/recovery. It's okay to wait and see what happens. It's okay that you don't have it all figured out this instant.
However, I would invite you to consider what is best for your children, remembering that they are completely innocent in all of this and need to you to protect them and act in their best interest.
Your situation is different from mine because my qualifier never sought treatment/recovery. It's okay to wait and see what happens. It's okay that you don't have it all figured out this instant.
However, I would invite you to consider what is best for your children, remembering that they are completely innocent in all of this and need to you to protect them and act in their best interest.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 7
Thanks
Thank you for all the replies. I'm very scared about going down this road with 2 kids. I feel like its so hard for me to be the happy mom these kids deserve when all this is going on. I cry daily and am just afraid of staying and leaving.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Courtcd.....you need face to face support...now...Now.
I suggest that yu get to the first alanon meeting that you possibly can...and make an appointment with a personal counselor of your own.....asap....
Considering your pregnant condition and impending delivery...you really need both....
If you can't afford a private counselor, for any reason...contact a social worker at you county social services dept ...where you can get free or very low cost....
There is help available...you cannot and should not go through this alone....
I suggest that yu get to the first alanon meeting that you possibly can...and make an appointment with a personal counselor of your own.....asap....
Considering your pregnant condition and impending delivery...you really need both....
If you can't afford a private counselor, for any reason...contact a social worker at you county social services dept ...where you can get free or very low cost....
There is help available...you cannot and should not go through this alone....
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Some people grab onto recovery immediately and go on to have a terrific recovery and terrific lives.
I always tell them that my numbers are skewed, because I never see the post-op folks who were success stories.
I believe we rarely hear about success stories on this forum, either.
Like everyone has already said, just work YOUR program. That is all you can do. I wish your husband the best, and a full recovery.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I understand feeling scared, but maybe this will be encouraging to you. My first husband got sober a year before we got married (he struggled for several months before he was really ready to accept that he needed help). BUT once he got sober, he never picked up another drink. And that was 37 years ago. We eventually divorced, but even that was successful in every way. We raised two terrific kids together, completely cooperating. I remain very close friends with my ex--I stay with him and his wife when I go visit my now-adult kids--we are virtually extended family. In fact, I am undergoing surgery for probable cancer next week, and the ex's wife offered to come out here and take care of me!
And even if your husband doesn't stay sober right away, he might get there later, and if you find you need to leave at some point for your own well-being (and that of your kids), there are people here who quite successfully have managed to navigate the system to keep things from spinning out of control.
But having your wits about you and being healthy, yourself, is key to success, no matter how he responds to treatment. Because early sobriety can be a VERY challenging time, too, even when you ultimately arrive at a happy result.
Hugs, and get thee to Al-Anon!
And even if your husband doesn't stay sober right away, he might get there later, and if you find you need to leave at some point for your own well-being (and that of your kids), there are people here who quite successfully have managed to navigate the system to keep things from spinning out of control.
But having your wits about you and being healthy, yourself, is key to success, no matter how he responds to treatment. Because early sobriety can be a VERY challenging time, too, even when you ultimately arrive at a happy result.
Hugs, and get thee to Al-Anon!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My feeling is with having options and choices once we fully understand alcoholism as a whole. Prior to understanding the lifelong disease my options and choices were always with believing a rehab or AA meetings was going to fix the A in my life and THEN we could move on and passed it all……………..boy was I naïve in my thinking.
In my own process of learning and understanding addiction I went along for the ride each and every single time my A said he would seek help, which he kind of did but never whole heartily and would always relapse. My thinking was still wrapped around the idea that “”I had something to do with HIS recovery. Either I needed to support him in his recovery by staying and by tolerating unacceptable behavior because I wanted to “believe” that this time he was really going to commit to his recovery so I stayed on that ledge of hope for way to long as life was passing me by.
My choices and options were scary but not as scary as staying with someone who’s disease was progressing and his life was spiraling out of control and so was mine .Al-anon was a life saver for me and one I grasped onto because grasping onto the A was only pulling me under with him.
In my own process of learning and understanding addiction I went along for the ride each and every single time my A said he would seek help, which he kind of did but never whole heartily and would always relapse. My thinking was still wrapped around the idea that “”I had something to do with HIS recovery. Either I needed to support him in his recovery by staying and by tolerating unacceptable behavior because I wanted to “believe” that this time he was really going to commit to his recovery so I stayed on that ledge of hope for way to long as life was passing me by.
My choices and options were scary but not as scary as staying with someone who’s disease was progressing and his life was spiraling out of control and so was mine .Al-anon was a life saver for me and one I grasped onto because grasping onto the A was only pulling me under with him.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
Well, I guess that makes my family a success story. I'm the former alcoholic and my marriage and kids are in tact. As a good 12-stepper, I can only say that it's true for me, and it's one day at a time.
But I'd like to veer off of me and give the benefit of having been in AA and on this board (though not a very prolific writer) for a few years.
It seems abundantly clear to me that ANYONE who attaches their own sense of well being and happiness to the actions of another human being has put themselves deeply at risk. Simply put - you are responsible for you, and the message of al-anon and AA is all about what you are doing for you. I imagine 'success' stories like my family all have a similar thread to them. All parties were forging their own path at all times. One person's moods or feelings did not set the stage for the other three. Your path is yours. Your husband doesnt choose what you feel, say, or do. If you grant him that power, then you are allowing him to be in charge of your destiny.
Get the tools you need to stay healthy and happy, and keep those kiddos safe and protected. All things within your control. I wish him the best in recovery, and you the best in your life and with your new little one.
But I'd like to veer off of me and give the benefit of having been in AA and on this board (though not a very prolific writer) for a few years.
It seems abundantly clear to me that ANYONE who attaches their own sense of well being and happiness to the actions of another human being has put themselves deeply at risk. Simply put - you are responsible for you, and the message of al-anon and AA is all about what you are doing for you. I imagine 'success' stories like my family all have a similar thread to them. All parties were forging their own path at all times. One person's moods or feelings did not set the stage for the other three. Your path is yours. Your husband doesnt choose what you feel, say, or do. If you grant him that power, then you are allowing him to be in charge of your destiny.
Get the tools you need to stay healthy and happy, and keep those kiddos safe and protected. All things within your control. I wish him the best in recovery, and you the best in your life and with your new little one.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Irnldy001
I imagine 'success' stories like my family all have a similar thread to them. All parties were forging their own path at all times. One person's moods or feelings did not set the stage for the other three. Your path is yours. Your husband doesnt choose what you feel, say, or do. If you grant him that power, then you are allowing him to be in charge of your destiny.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 7
Thanks for all the replies. I went to my first al-anon meeting and plan to go tomorrow as well. I am seeing a therapist once a week. I sometimes wake up and think its all a nightmare, but the reality is this is really happening. I'm most worried about my daughter and soon to be son in all of this. I guess i just don't know what to do?????
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Its great you are reaching out for help from multiple resources. Im expecting our first child, and separated from my husband at the moment, but we are working on things through counseling. No advice really because I think these are decisions we each have to make for ourselves.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't have to have it all figured out this minute--or tomorrow, next week, or next month. If you keep taking good care of you, you will be in the best decision to protect your kids and do the right thing for all of you.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Courtcd
I guess i just don't know what to do?????
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Court...when you ask "what to do"....can you elaborate, a bit more, as to exactly what you mean? What kinds of things do you visualize, in your mind,,,in regard to this question....? What does "doing" mean to you...?
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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I don't know if I should stay and be supportive or walk away from this marriage??? He's also taken up smoking which drives me crazy. I just dont know this person I married. I dont know if I was blind to it, but things are different now. I know being around him is toxic for me, but I miss him when he's not around and know I can't be alone. If I knew things were this bad, I definitely wouldn't have brought another child into this mess. I have a master's degree and a great career... just not sure how I'm so dumb when it comes to making big life changing decisions. In anybody's eyes they would say leave, I just can't. I'm just struggling and scared.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi Court, you don't have to decide anything today. It's great that you're going to Al-anon and therapy as anxiety and depression (which I think you might be suffering from) are less of a burden when shared.
You don't say how your husband's drinking is impacting on you in a practical way. Is he drinking out, or at home, secretly? Does he become abusive at you or your daughter when under the influence? Abuse can be intimidation or verbal, not just physical.
I agree that smoking is definitely a problem with a baby on the way. I hope he is at least smoking outside.
Do you have family and friends who can support you during this delicate time for you? You might want to keep everything secret, but with a baby on the way you could use some emotional and maybe practical help.
Wishing you all the best and I'm glad you found SR.
You don't say how your husband's drinking is impacting on you in a practical way. Is he drinking out, or at home, secretly? Does he become abusive at you or your daughter when under the influence? Abuse can be intimidation or verbal, not just physical.
I agree that smoking is definitely a problem with a baby on the way. I hope he is at least smoking outside.
Do you have family and friends who can support you during this delicate time for you? You might want to keep everything secret, but with a baby on the way you could use some emotional and maybe practical help.
Wishing you all the best and I'm glad you found SR.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by Courtcd
I don't know if I should stay and be supportive or walk away from this marriage??? He's also taken up smoking which drives me crazy. I just dont know this person I married. I dont know if I was blind to it, but things are different now. I know being around him is toxic for me, but I miss him when he's not around and know I can't be alone. If I knew things were this bad, I definitely wouldn't have brought another child into this mess. I have a master's degree and a great career... just not sure how I'm so dumb when it comes to making big life changing decisions. In anybody's eyes they would say leave, I just can't. I'm just struggling and scared.
Your not alone, and there are many resources to help you figure things out.
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