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Things are Going well, but I saw a possible red flag with my husband yesterday



Things are Going well, but I saw a possible red flag with my husband yesterday

Old 07-02-2017, 08:59 AM
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Things are Going well, but I saw a possible red flag with my husband yesterday

Things have been going well with my pregnancy. The last set of blood work was positive, and next week I go in for another ultrasound.

I have been in a good frame of mind. Practicing relaxation techniques, slowly working through my feelings regarding the overall situation I have found myself in. Thinking a lot about all the positives in my life, and focusing on healthy.

Things have also been good with my husband. He seems to be doing really well, and we have been talking everyday, and spending time together. Things are going well for him with my family also.

Yesterday I saw my first red flag. I saw something that made me question his sobriety. In the back yard at my brothers house where he is currently staying.. I found an empty ball point pen cylinder.

Time will reveal more. I didnt question him about it. I was alone when I found it. went into my brothers house, got a baggie and put it inside. I showed it to my brother later. Asked him if he had seen any signs of use and he said no, but said he would pay more attention. He asked if he should say anything to him, and I suggested no, not at this point. It could be nothing but a broken pen, could be a slip that he has to deal with and I know he has the resources, could be a relapse and if it is then it will come with more signs and symptoms.

Im not changing anything that Im doing. Not going to break off contact with him. He will be over for a cookout here are my parents house in a couple of hours. We actually have an appointment end of week to begin the Christian Marriage counseling that my parents suggested. Im looking forward to it.

Whats really good on my end of things is that I took in the info, processed it, and Im ok. I hesitated to even post, but in a way along with my personal journaling.. this site has been another outlet for me to put things out there, keep accountability with the truth, the facts, and my decisions.
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Old 07-02-2017, 01:29 PM
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You are handling this calmly and I think you are wise to wait and see what his actions tell you.

Keep taking care of yourself and the baby, the rest will unfold over time.

Hugs
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Old 07-02-2017, 02:51 PM
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Good for you for proceeding with caution and eyes wide open--and for keeping yourself accountable. I know how hard it is to reach out to others for objectivity when you want so badly to look at things through rose-colored glasses.

When it comes to those red flags, remember: you know what you know.
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Old 07-03-2017, 08:52 AM
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Good for you. I know how easy it would be to spiral out of control in such a situation, yet you are staying calm, and saying, more will be revealed.

I am glad things are going well w/your pregnancy! Enjoy the holiday.
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Old 07-05-2017, 10:01 AM
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I'm glad you are ok, and you sound very level headed about this (I would have spun out!!) You have a smart plan - eyes wide open. It might be a good time to formulate YOUR plan if other red flags start showing up.

Keep taking good care of you and baby!!
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Old 07-05-2017, 07:20 PM
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Hmm . . . I had to look up pen cylinders to understand your concern. Now I get it. Might be a broken pen. More will definitely be revealed.
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Old 07-11-2017, 10:37 AM
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Thank you for the replies.

I thought Id wait a while before updating, but there is nothing to report in terms of what the empty pen was about. No red flags during any of the times we have been together since then, no red flags noted from my brother or other family members. Hopefully it was nothing, but I guess I will always be sensitive and pay attention when I see something out of the ordinary. There are a lot of bad memories, and they are fading but its funny how seeing an object can revive them quickly. Im sure a lot of others can relate to that.

I had an appointment last week, and my bloodwork was better, and the ultrasound looked good. Im feeling some relief, much gratitude, but also still dealing with fear something will change again. At least Im getting a lot of extra testing and I know Im in good hands.

One other thing I wanted to address, since its been mentioned by members here when I post on my own threads, and in regards to other people when I share on their threads .... Ive been told Im not upset enough, I minimize, Im not angry enough, and I seem too detached.

No, Im not taking any calming medication, antidepressants or anything that is affecting me.

I have been practicing mindfulness techniques, and I journal a lot.

In my work, I have been trained to look at the facts, to get the big picture, to not make a lot of assumptions, or to act based on emotion. Now that I am out of the whirlwind of crazy when my husband was deep in his addiction - I think I am able to fall back on this again. I think in a way it may come across to some, as my being emotionally detached, lacking/suppressing anger, or minimizing. Im not really sure?

Im also much more a glass half full type of person. I try to focus on the good, the positive, and the things Im doing to fill the glass up instead of focusing on everything that is now gone from the glass.

And I dont mean to offend anyone, but I think because I look at substance abuse as a medical issue, and not a choice.. it helps remove a lot of anger, and maybe even fear. I know it can be treated successfully, but that its a complex problem that has a lot of underlying issues attached. I put as much emphasis on the treatment he uses being effective/adequate to meet his specific needs, as I do to my husbands own efforts.

Understanding that I dont have to be angry in order to make healthy decisions for myself is very freeing. Its ok for me to accept he has these issues, and its just part of who he is. They may be healed, they may flare up again, or things could get really bad like last year. I can have compassion for what he's going through, and still make choices based on what I need and want for my life.

When I started therapy last year. My feelings, recounts of events were not met with responses of shock, drama, or anger. They were met with calm, explanation of facts regarding addiction and its symptoms, my feelings were given validity, and the whole process of calm just helped me center myself. So when I post to others I try to do the same, and I try not to add in too many of my own assumptions about their situation. Back to my training of facts and big picture I guess.

Ive also been working at all of this for over a year now, and Ive dealt with a lot of the emotions and come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness. Other things like the cheating happened a while back but its only been a couple of months since I found out, and its not something Ive fully worked through. We did start Christian marriage counseling last week, and it was great. I personally have a lot of respect for the bonds of marriage, and so for me, and for my husband I think this is a good route for us to take right now. Im hoping it will help me answer many of the questions I have, and also help me better understand my husbands heart in this matter. We are going to go weekly for a while.

Thanks for you support, and your prayers. I hope this explains the detachment/minimizing issue. I doubt it, but I tried. I dont mind people asking me questions or expressing concerns as long as its coming from a good place.
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Old 07-11-2017, 12:40 PM
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Despite my stance on addiction, I think that it's quite wonderful that you are calm. I am a high key person with a high anxiety level. It has taken me YEARS of therapy and support to get to the point that I am not carrying around a million tons of anger and resentment. That hurts one person, and it is me.

I don't believe substance abuse of any kind is a pass for bad behavior. I also know each person has to make their own choices for what they will and will not tolerate. I think when so many have went through the heart aches we collectively have as a group, you want so badly for not one more person to have to experience those same aches. However, just like anyone, you cannot control anyone else's actions, only your own reactions.

I am glad you are in good care physically and that you have a calm emotional state. That is excellent for both you and baby.
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Old 07-11-2017, 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by aliciagr View Post
Thanks for you support, and your prayers. I hope this explains the detachment/minimizing issue. I doubt it, but I tried. I dont mind people asking me questions or expressing concerns as long as its coming from a good place.
I think a lot of the emotions generated come from the fact that many of us have been down a long, dark road. You're young. The baby hasn't been born yet. There will be more to this story.

I spent more than 20 years in a relationship with an addict. It didn't end well. After it ended, he was involved in a hit and run while under the influence (cocaine and alcohol). He's serving time, and I am only thankful that I was already divorced; otherwise I would have been facing lawsuits and legal issues as well, since he used to drive my car. Medical issue or behavioral issue, the consequences of addiction are very real. And, looking back, I would give anything to have left sooner than I did.

I do admire your courage and fearlessness, in putting yourself and your opinions out there. This is a huge life skill to develop. Just don't forget where things can go with addiction, or schizophrenia, or personality disorders, or any other mental issues. Whatever it is, there is no cure. Some people will just not get better, or will have devastating relapses. Discernment in who we choose to share our lives with is also an important life skill.
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Old 07-17-2017, 01:17 PM
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Thanks Hopeful and Needabreak.

The hard part for me is sorting through the choices I have to make, and balancing it with my feelings. There is no way to tell what will happen in the future, but I guess as in the title of my thread here, there are red flags simply because of the issues he’s dealing with, and looking at past behavior. I know this means it could lead to a whole lot of pain and trouble down the road.

I know a large number of people have went down that road, and are here because it led to pain and loss. Whenever Ive gone to meetings or explored other support online its basically the same and its an eye opener. But at the same time, I also know the majority of people only reach out for support when things are causing them pain, or there is a need for support to make hard decisions, or travel through a divorce.

Its also something to acknowledge that this site it full of really good people who have faced their own addictions and are now doing well and have happy and healthy lives. Its fascinating to read from other sections of this site, because overall even those who are in the depths of trying to change and beat an addiction - Most feel optimistic about their future, and oh so many say they want to be healthy, have a happy marriage and be there for their children. In this section alone, many have dealt with their own substance abuse issues, and other emotional traumas. I think about that too because at one point the red flags in their own lives, no doubt waved a lot brighter than the white ones did.

So while there may not be an abundance of family members logging on to say it was hard for a while but now things are great. It cant be denied that it happens in as just a large amount of numbers as those who have had it all go wrong. I think sometimes it feels wrong to say that here. Because there is a fear someone will be in an unhappy or dangerous situation and stating this fact will influence or encourage them to stay in their own situation longer and endure more pain? I feel like the truth is we have to look at things the way they are currently and make decisions based on our own needs and feelings.

And while Im confused and often tired. I dont feel really unhealthy in my thought process. Although others may ! lol Im trying to take things slow and I dont know what else to do because my mind and my heart are not in a place to say I know for a fact I dont want him as my husband anymore.

As an example of what I am trying to figure out right now. Our house in the other state has been for sale for a while now. We had a full price offer recently but they wanted us to comp some money for a couple renovations we had not yet finished. We are close to selling it if not to these people then someone else. Another house in the area where my parents live is going to be on market soon, and my husband is interested in it and wants to see if he can cut a deal before its listed. A great family home, and it would be so nice to be living as a family before the baby arrives, but is it too soon? I also worry about the baby because while things seem better now, I struggle with allowing myself to have happy expectations. I wake up and feel good, and then after a few seconds these decisions and worries pop into my mind.

Im trying to take care of myself, relax, do things I enjoy. My mom said she thinks its normal to want to "nest" and prepare your home before a baby arrives. She has been so helpful and we have been having a lot of good talks, and end up get into some kind of mischief together most days.

I do learn a lot being a part of the group here, and it helps give perspective which I appreciate even if its not obvious.
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Old 07-17-2017, 03:23 PM
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"...my mind and my heart are not in a place to say I know for a fact I dont want him as my husband anymore."

And this is totally okay. It's okay to not know, and I admire your ability to remain so calm and patient. I was never a fan of being in limbo.

When I finally knew, I ABSOLUTELY knew that leaving AXBF was the right thing to do. And funnily enough, it was my newborn daughter that gave me that certainty. I had two miscarriages before she was born, so she really is my miracle baby. My desire to protect her is so strong, and now she is 3 1/2 months old, and my home is a much more sane, healthy place to be without her father around. Initially, however, I had some of the same questions you seem to have: is it better to keep the family together for her or will it only do more harm in the long run? Lucky for me, AXBF was on his worst possible behavior. It was like looking at things through a microscope with a gigantic spotlight--if that makes sense.

It will be interesting to see if your perspective changes once your baby is born. The whole "mama bear" thing is so true.

Hang in there. I think you're doing amazingly well. Keep us updated on the baby!
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Old 07-17-2017, 07:55 PM
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If you're not ready to move in with him, you're not ready to move in with him.

Given all that he's done to you, you have every right to still remain wary for your sake as well as your baby's. That said, being in limbo would drive me crazy too, and I can see why you want to make a decision sooner rather than later.

One thing I wonder, how would he react if you told him you weren't ready yet to make a commitment? How would he handle that disappointment? Would he still continue to work on himself? Are you afraid to know the answer?

Let's not beat around the bush here. He sexually assaulted you and cheated on you while battling a drug addiction. You also love him inordinately. Despite what he did to you, you want to believe that he loves you inordinately as well. You want to believe that he is repentant, and yet you also want time to assess the situation to see if he will be a good husband and father to your child.

I'm going to make a whole bunch of presumptions here so you can tell me to stuff it if I'm wrong:

1) You want to make a decision that you can be proud of.
2) You want to make a decision that affirms your personal and religious beliefs.
3) You want to make a decision that ensures the safety of your child.
4) You are angry at him for making decisions that got the whole family into this whole sorry mess.
5) You want your husband back.
6) You don't want your husband back - you want Husband 2.0, the honest, trustworthy Husband you never got with Husband 1.0.
7) You want proof that he can take care of you, just as you took care of him, ESPECIALLY when everything hits the fan.

Yeah, I'm rambling here. But I'm trying to make sense of this all, just as you are trying to make sense of this all, and all I can say is that I don't envy you one bit.

Hugs and bananas to stop leg cramps (I used to get MASSIVE ones when I was pregnant). May a bathroom be close by no matter where you go, and may your baby never poke your bladder for entertainment.
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Old 07-17-2017, 09:57 PM
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post

My post did not blame alicia AT ALL for her husband's behavior.
Puzzled you make me laugh. At first it was from your wishes I have a bathroom always near, and now this. It was probably meant for me since its my thread? Maybe this person will come back and clarify who their hate speech was meant for?

Although on these pages we talk a lot about serenity, and having peace. A lot of people clearly dont. I would rather come from a place of compassion, and seek outside help for my own anger, pain, disappointment than get lost in bitterness and hate.

You have been nothing but supportive Puzzled. And I have compassion for those who deal with substance issues, but Ive never placed blame on a spouse.

Thanks for your post above and when Im not so tired I will answer back. Did you know its Christmas in July and lots of holiday movies are on the tv? Im craving Christmas cookies.
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Old 07-17-2017, 10:29 PM
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The empty pen barrel could have a completely unrelated to drug use explanation or it could have been left over from past use. I know that for a few years into recovery, I kept finding empty beer cans stashed in weird places left over from drinking days.

It also could be from current use. If it is, more clear signs will show up shortly. I was never as good at hiding it as I thought I was.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Stay focused on you because you are doing good as far as I can tell. Goodatcha!
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Old 07-17-2017, 11:35 PM
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As an example of what I am trying to figure out right now. Our house in the other state has been for sale for a while now. We had a full price offer recently but they wanted us to comp some money for a couple renovations we had not yet finished. We are close to selling it if not to these people then someone else. Another house in the area where my parents live is going to be on market soon, and my husband is interested in it and wants to see if he can cut a deal before its listed. A great family home, and it would be so nice to be living as a family before the baby arrives, but is it too soon? I also worry about the baby because while things seem better now, I struggle with allowing myself to have happy expectations. I wake up and feel good, and then after a few seconds these decisions and worries pop into my mind. ------------------------------

Alicia...I understand how the "HOUSE" is a very important draw for a young married couple....It establishes several things,,both realistic and symbolic....

I have bought and sold more than one house in my life....and, I can tell you that what is going on, inside the house, is far more important than the house, itself. Houses are material things that can come and go....
It is the heart and the soul that remains with us, and should take first place when planning one's future or making important life decisions....

There will always be new houses coming onto the market....
and, many that you could love as the "perfect place".....
One big consideration, for you, that I can see....is that you will be delivering in the fairly near future....And, this I can tell you with absolute certainly---once you enter the post-partum period, you will not want anything extra to deal with....coping with house stuff will be the last thing on your mind. Getting a bath will be hard enough...lol...

I realize that obtaining a permanent "nest" probably looms large in your husband's mind as a way of him taking a prominent role in the marriage, right now...so, I get that.....
Being that your pregnancy is in the category of "higher risk" is an extra concern on your mind, right now.
You are so blessed that you have been able to get some needed shelter from the storm in your parent's home, for the time being---and you seem to have reached a relative stabilization, as a result....Your husband is living nearby and has contact....
You might consider holding on to this calm water situation for another few/several months, to see how thing are going to play out...especially how the post partum period is going to go....
If thing go in the positive direction, then, there will be time enough to deal with the "new house" situation....and all the hassle and complications that can go with it....
I can see where it can be tempting to focus on the house and distract from the personal issues that you two are dealing with....

Now, I realize that I might sound like a grim messenger....but, I am just trying to say to look at all of the practical realities....

I once knew a woman who decided to get married because she had finally found the "perfect" wedding gown that she had always dreamed of.....
(I was rendered speechless, when she told me that)......lol....
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Old 07-18-2017, 06:01 AM
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It was probably meant for me since its my thread?
OK, if you insist, you and I can take turns holding the ********* while we ride the codie bus.

That said, I agree with what Dandylion said. Dealing with a house will absolutely be the last thing on your mind after the baby. I remember purchasing the book Home Comforts and reading every single one of the 892 pages the month before I had my son. I was pretty obsessed about getting the apartment ready for him. Two weeks after his birth, the place looked like a tornado hit it, and the last thing I cared about was thread count.

Last edited by DesertEyes; 07-18-2017 at 07:41 PM. Reason: Please do not copy foul language, you just make more work for me.
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Old 07-18-2017, 06:43 AM
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I can't tell you how many people who have bought a new house at the time of a baby and the added stress that does cause. I for one was pregnant and dealing with packing, moving, painting and decorating. Take care during the process and have lots of help.
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Old 07-18-2017, 08:12 AM
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I think you are right just to take it a day at a time. Only you can decide what you want and need, and DESERVE from your marriage. And the only thing that can establish trust, or not, is time. It stinks, but that's a fact.

Keep taking good care of you and your baby!
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Old 07-19-2017, 06:15 AM
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
If you're not ready to move in with him, you're not ready to move in with him.

One thing I wonder, how would he react if you told him you weren't ready yet to make a commitment? How would he handle that disappointment? Would he still continue to work on himself? Are you afraid to know the answer?
Ive already told him Im afraid to make a commitment because it will just cause more pain if things dont work out. We spent months both doing therapy, and marriage counseling. Things were in a good place between us, and then I found out he had cheated and decided not to tell me that part. I understand what a miserable choice he had to make on telling me or not. Just sucks it all happened, and it opened the wounds again for me.

He has responded as well as he can I guess. Says the things he did were unforgivable, but he still hopes I can forgive him and fully trust him again one day.

I think he will keep going to therapy regardless of what I do. Its based on things he says he wants for himself, and expressing a lot of regret over his past choices, how he couldnt handle his emotions and it scares him. I think he feels like he worked hard and was in a good place with his overall life, and then he himself trashed it.

I'm going to make a whole bunch of presumptions here so you can tell me to stuff it if I'm wrong:

1) You want to make a decision that you can be proud of.
2) You want to make a decision that affirms your personal and religious beliefs.
3) You want to make a decision that ensures the safety of your child.
4) You are angry at him for making decisions that got the whole family into this whole sorry mess.
5) You want your husband back.
6) You don't want your husband back - you want Husband 2.0, the honest, trustworthy Husband you never got with Husband 1.0.
7) You want proof that he can take care of you, just as you took care of him, ESPECIALLY when everything hits the fan.

Yeah, I'm rambling here. But I'm trying to make sense of this all, just as you are trying to make sense of this all, and all I can say is that I don't envy you one bit.
Yes on everything. Its important for me to find myself and be true to my beliefs, values. I think as long as I have that, and a good support system then I will be ok regardless of what happens with him. I actually was happy with husband version 1.0 in terms of how he treated me and the relationship we had. But, he has always had a lot going on inside with his emotions, and has never found peace, or fully accepted and liked himself for who he is, not for what others think about him. A lot of it comes from the emotional dysfunction he grew up with in his family. Says he has to work through it for himself, and he also doesnt want to pass any of that on to our child.

Hugs and bananas to stop leg cramps (I used to get MASSIVE ones when I was pregnant). May a bathroom be close by no matter where you go, and may your baby never poke your bladder for entertainment.
I havent had too much of that problem yet, but I do have swelling in my ankles which is so weird. They are both puffy and nothing makes it go away. Ive gained weight which makes me feel ugly. My skin has broke out some which makes me feel ugly. Been noticing some of my hair is coming out in the brush, went to get it trimmed, and the stylist asked me about it, and I hadnt even mentioned it to her. She then began asking all about my health which was funny. I am going to ask the Dr next appt. I sure dont want to be bald with everything else going on.

XXXX

Thanks for all the posts from everyone else.

Thanks for the comments on the pen cylinder. I was temped to question him but felt it wasnt right because it was odd but nonspecific. I also know that while maybe he could hide coke use for a while, he wouldnt be able to do it very long without getting sloppy.

Im trying to take things slow. I dont like limbo either, and my whole life is that way right now. Every aspect and its uncomfortable. (marriage, baby, a place to live, my career). But I realized this is the first time Ive ever had in my adult life where Ive been able to focus just on my feelings, and thinking about what I want for my future. Im trying to appreciate what I have, and the opportunities that lie ahead. There is a lot to be said for how you frame things in your mind. Like, I have to do this vs. I get the opportunity to do this.

Loving the Christian counseling sessions. A lot of accountability has been placed on us both. In our faith, the husband is technically supposed to the head of the household. My husband was told everything went wrong because he was not understanding what an awesome responsibility this is, and told he didnt have his priorities straight. His house crumbled because of it. He was praised for trying to rebuild the footings of his own life, and that of his family. I was told it was unwise to accept someone as head of my home who didnt represent my values, or honor me. We get to go again tomorrow !
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Old 07-19-2017, 02:08 PM
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where there's smoke, there's fire. you know the truth-- believe yourself. i fear disaster for you and for everybody else in his blast zone.

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