Ewwfiate

My husband is newly sober and doing great. He hasn't asked me to stop drinking but it's been a been change to our relationship. I still like to have drinks when we go out. I am not ready or not feeling like I need to live a sober lifestyle. He says it ok but I feel the resentment. He made this decision and now I am confused whether I am to also be sober or continue to drink when I want to. I do miss going out and drinking together. Big life change. I know it takes time. Wondering if anyone has any advice for this situation.

Maudcat

Hi, Ewwfiate. Welcome.
I don't really have advice, though there are others who have had similar experiences and will be weighing in.
My husband and I stopped drinking at the same time. I was the one with the problem. He did it to support me, for which I shall be forever grateful.
It was easier to maintain sobriety then with no alcohol in the house, though we keep a bottle of chardonnay for visitors now.
I am not at all tempted now. I have been in recovery for 3 years.

AnvilheadII

while it is not a requirement that you not drink in order for him to stay sober.....i guess you'd have to look at his drinking history and if it negatively affected you. did you WANT him to quit drinking? was he out of control? did you resent what he did under the influence?

you are right - it is a big change. and there won't be any more going out drinking together. you'll need to find a way to make peace with that. maybe think hard about what is truly important....being together, or being drinking buddies.

hearthealth

When husband poured out his beer, I dumped out my alcohol in the house. He said I didn't have to do that but I was freaked out just thinking of drinking in front of him. Or the feeling as though I had to hide it. I didn't mind doing it but I also missed an occasional glass here or there. As time went on it got easier.

Talk to husband. IMO, in the early stages of sobriety don't drink at home. Drink at social occasions that don't include him. Sobriety is a change for both of you.

Ewwfiate

No, it took me by surprise. I didn't know he felt that he needed to be sober or that our life would change so much. I feel like we have been pushed into a new part of life from without warning. I'all figure out how to deal with it...just having a hard time because his decision has made a big impact on my life

Sotiredofitall

I haven't had alcohol in the house for a long time. H is newly sober. I do have a drink if we are out to dinner, but I can't keep it in the house (if past is any indicator). I did stop for several months while I sounded his sobriety out. Not sure if he is permanently sober, the jury is still out. But its been several months. I don't know what everyone else does or is successful with. For me, this is truly on him. I quit trying to affect what he does with what I do. But I've dealth with this for a very, very long time.

Ewwfiate

I am happy for you and your family. Thank you for responding

Ewwfiate

Thank you for your post. I hope it works out. I might have to do the same.

Ewwfiate

Thank you!

Ewwfiate

Thank you for writing. I want to be supportive.

JK130

Just a thought...You might consider a short term moratorium on your own drinking, without making any big life changes or announcements. Then you could decide if that's helpful to your husband and your relationship, or not necessary. Good luck to both of you!

LexieCat

When my two alcoholic husbands were in early sobriety I didn't drink around them. I didn't feel the need to deprive myself if I was out with friends, but out of consideration I did not drink in front of them. I'm a sober alcoholic, myself, and in early sobriety it definitely would have been problematic to have a partner drinking around me. After a year or so it didn't bother first husband (second one didn't stay sober), nor does it bother me. I don't want to be around people getting drunk and I don't think I'd care to be intimate with someone who smelled/tasted like booze. It would be a turnoff to me.

Most sober people I know prefer not to keep it in their homes, even if they don't mind someone's drinking around him.

Since your guy is in early sobriety I'd err on the side of not making sober life more difficult for him, regardless of what he says. When he's got a year or so under his belt you can revisit it and ask him how he feels about it. To my way of thinking, it's a matter of consideration for one's partner and his/her well-being. If it's such a burden for you not to drink, maybe it's time to consider your own relationship with alcohol.

FeelingGreat

Recovered A here. After quitting I did spend time on occasion with drinkers, but I also started refusing some invitations that involved alcohol.

If you H looks resentful he's probably finding it hard watching you drink. I don't think you should become permanently sober just because he is, but try to be a bit considerate in the early days.

Keep in mind, if he's sober during social occasions he's probably going to pass judgement on his drinking companions as the night moves on. It takes a while to get used to seeing others drinking while sober yourself.

Ladybird579

I didn't drink around my exah on the rare times he attempted sobriety but it made no difference. I didn't drink at all for 18 months but he still decided to drink again. He carried on when I wasn't drinking anything.

Now we are divorced I live alone and have the occasional wine or cider. It's nice to be able to get a glass without worrying he is around to see it and the rest of the bottle not disappearing "by magic." I bitterly resented being teetotal when I lived with him tbh. I felt like it was his problem in the same way if I was giving up cakes and sweets to lose weight I shouldn't expect him too cos he didn't need to lose weight.

LexieCat

Mightn't it be a bit different if it were a matter of life and death that you lose weight and he were eating sweets right in front of you--in your face about it? That's pretty much the situation with an alcoholic who is SINCERE about trying to stay sober. It IS a matter of life/death--not like dropping a few pounds to look good in a swimsuit--and it is VERY hard in the beginning to accept that other people can drink but you cannot.

AnvilheadII

sounds like maybe a good sit-down talk is in order? if you were unaware that his drinking was a problem yet he felt strongly enough to chose sobriety, there are obviously some things not being said.

Irnldy001

I am the sober alcoholic in my marriage. When I quit, DH and I really didn't discuss his drinking at all. He was (obviously) grateful that I wanted to do something to help myself. He saw my struggle and my sincerity, and he ceased his own drinking (which from an alcoholic's perspective was rather normal drinking, limited, moderate, etc).
I never made any requests, but he did it on his own. No alcohol in the home ever, never drank in front of me. I am not certain if he had a beer or a glass of wine at functions I wasn't at.
A couple of years into my sobriety I asked him why he had done this, and if he resented me for it. He said no. He said my drinking and drinking problem had fundamentally shifted his thinking to alcohol being poison.
He is disgusted with it because of what it did to me. He doesn't feel there is a grey area.
That is just our story. When I read that his change is profoundly changing your life, it made me worried for you. In my own experience, my Husband choosing to eliminate alcohol was one of the easiest decisions he ever made. He was and remains happy without it. To reiterate, he has never had a drinking problem. The problem was mine and mine alone. I never asked anyone to bear the burden with me or for me.
I am hoping that you are supportive of him, and respectful. His decision is very important to him. It is life altering for him. It should be viewed as positive by you. If you didn't believe he had an alcohol problem, I will restate what so many others here have said to many:

If he's telling you who he is : Believe him.

involved

My qualifier is now 10 months sober. And in the 10 months before that he drank 3 times.... In our whole relationship I almost never drank with him. I do not have a problem with alcohol. I did struggle with the should I or shouldn't I... I can take it or leave it, but sometimes, like the first couple times we were at a ball game or concert, or sunday brunch with no bloody mary that I realized that "I" really missed it! He encouraged me to have a beer if I wanted one but "I" felt weird... it was missing that mutual experience of sharing a moment over an adult beverage kind of mind set... but now I understand that he doesn't "enjoy" an adult beverage in the same way that I do....thats what drinks with the girls is for... and once I understood that Nothing I do can make him choose to drink I (once a month or less) do buy a bottle of wine. I am aware of his moods and if I see him struggling or squirrely, I don't drink out of consideration. Funny thing happened at therapy last week... the therapist asked how long he had been in the program and he told her since 1996...and this is his longest stretch of 24 hours...she replied "so you are a chronic relapser." That bothered him for days!!! Because he has drank only 3 times since 10/2015 thats all that matters in his mind!

aliciagr

I think its a little complex. You need to live your life and dont want to build resentments towards him. But if you are sensing resentment from him then I think it needs to be discussed openly and honestly. Its now at a point where you both have "emotions" over this decision.

As a spouse one of my strongest wishes it to maintain my own identity, but yet be supportive. I take away the alcohol from the equation. and maybe think if he was a diabetic, would I fill the house with yummy pastries, and set my empty cans (of husbands favorite sugar soda) out where he could see them. No. I would try to be discreet. Especially in the beginning because change is hard and there is a mental and emotional component along with the physical changes. If my husband was trying to lose weight again due to medical issues, I would alter my cooking to meet his needs primarily, and still get in some of my favorites but maybe just keep it low profile, or indulge when he wasnt home to eat. I would be ok with that.

Everyone must figure out the balance in their own life I think.

FallenAngelina

If you care to say, what is the biggest change that is challenging for you? Perhaps it's helpful for you to talk about what exactly doesn't feel so comfortable for you. Not that you have to talk about it here - it's just a thought for you.