Petunia

while I was talking with my counselor that until that time had not been obvious to me but now it is so clear. This whole process that I have been going through is all about me learning that I have value as a person. The more I have learned to value myself, the more I expect acceptable and loving behavior from others. Including total strangers.

I posted something similar in Karivan's post, but I felt so strongly about it I wanted to share it here as well.

During a session with my counselor last night I shared with her how I had told my husband before we got married that if he drank I was gone. He has been in recovery for 6 years so he has had quite some sober time under his belt. The old me wouldn't have been able to do that.

But luckily the "old" me lives far away and only comes around during holiday ( )....which is pretty close to the truth. ("Home for the Holidays" anyone?) Back when I first told him this, I didn't have as much time in "recovery" so it was a major deal for me to say clearly and distinctly that if he drank I would be gone.

What I find most interesting is that I say this not as a threat to him, but rather with the confidence that this is my boundary. And since I fell in love with an alcoholic, this is a very specific boundary that I have set and that he must know and understand. The intersting thing is that I don't feel like our relationship is temporary because I've set this boundary. I also don't worry that he will drink, b/c I know what I will do if he does. He knows it too, and this is something that he considers as part of his daily decision whether he will drink or not. I'm thinking - HOLY CROW - this just might be real love! There might be respect going on here. Nothing like I've known before! Grown up love. With expectations and boundaries, and limits and respect but without fear or worry.

Now comes the clincher - this isn't something I lucked into. It is something that came out of me loving myself more and respecting myself more and valuing myself more! I get to keep this going as long as I love myself FIRST, and respect myself FIRST, and take care of myself FIRST! And IT ONLY TOOK 4 YEARS TO FIGURE IT OUT!

I have no idea if I've made any sense to others, and if I did bonus points. What I wanted to share is that there are A-HA moments and I had one last night that was worth all the tears, heartache, pain and general sad moments it took to get there.

Just like our As have to make the decision every day not to drink. I have to make the decision every day that I am valuable and the more I value myself, the more others must do so as well. If they cannot, will not or do not, then I've got to move on. That's my definition of self-care.

Thanks for letting me noodle on this out loud -

Peace,
Petunia

Lorelai

Petunia -
Great post. I feel the same way. I got to a point in my recovery when I just started to understand that this recovery has nothing to do with alcohol or my husband. It's all about me.

I am a different person. I really like the person I've become.

Maybe if I had never been married to an alcoholic, I would have taken this journey and I would have never learned to love myself. Maybe there was a reason for all the pain -maybe that was the plan all along. I'm not questioning it - I'm just grateful for it.

You are obviously an amazing woman & I'm glad to know you -
L

cwohio

petunia - you are woman hear you roar! Awesome post!

StandingStrong

I'm in total agreeance with you. I know that when I hit my "bottom" with AH - I then expected more from everyone, not just my AH - and also myself!
I have let go of toxic people, I have come to realize who my friends really are, and I won't settle for less than what I'm willing to give!

Great topic, by the way! I think in many cases, this is the case. We care about and love ourselves enough that we expect better - and we expect what we give - and we move on to a better, more healthy way of life.