WinedOut

Hey there,

I've been struggling a lot with my girlfriend's drinking for a long time. We've been together 5 years now and it's been a problem off and on, but the last year has been much worse. I love her endlessly and can't actually imagine my life without her.

She usually can control her drinking pretty well, but once she's had more than 2 or 3, she can't stop. It's gotten to the point where she'll get blackout drunk every week or two.

When she does, she turns into a completely different human. She seems to pull out every bit of anger she's ever felt and aim it right at me. She's threatened me multiple times, she says the most demeaning things I've ever heard someone say, and she accuses me of lying for nearly everything I say.

The most recent time, she woke me up at 1 am to start an argument with me and refused to tell me why she was upset. The argument escalated and she got physically and verbally agressive. Eventually she locked herself in our room and messages a friend saying she was scared of me and needed help.

I didn't touch or hurt her - but that's definitely what she wanted her friend to think. She sat in the room and laughed at me through the door.

I've gotten pretty good at de-escalating these, but I can't every time.

She's always embarrassed, ashamed, apologetic and promises that things won't happen again. I believe her and things are pretty good for a week or two and then repeat.

It's gotten to the point where I become physically Ill and get anxiety induced stomach pain when I see or hear she's drinking - even one drink.

I don't know what to do with this. I had to come home from work one day this week because she mentioned she bought a bottle of wine and I couldn't calm myself down.

After the last episode, she committed to going a rehab program. She already had a business trip planned which she couldn't avoid without very bad consequences. So she went. She ended up drinking while she was gone. She told me about the drinking but lied about how much she had to drink.

She always mentions every event where she avoided alcohol - like not going to a work function where there's alcohol - as if she thinks that means she's done her job. It's never more than a week before her guard is back down and she starts to drink again. Then I know it's not Long until she blacks out and shouts at me, calls me a liar, calls tells me to move out, or something similar.

I know this all sounds really negative, but I don't feel negatively about her. I just want to be clear about why my emotions are so out of whack. I really love her and I want things to work. I feel like I need them to work, but I'm in pain and afraid so often now and triggered by the smallest things. I don't know what to do to help myself or to help her.

She keeps telling me that she's going to do what she's going to and that if she ruins her life, then that's on her. I know she's right, but I'm in there - in her life and I don't want everything to fall apart.

Any help or thoughts are appreciated.

Thanks

Maudcat

Hi, WinedOut. Welcome.
Sorry for your situation.
Sure sounds like your SO has a problem with alcohol.
Been to Al-Anon meetings? It's a fellowship for people troubled by a loved one's drinking.
There are meetings everywhere. Could be helpful.
There is also a lot of information about alcohol addiction on this site. They are called stickies and are embedded at the top of each forum.
Good luck.

LexieCat

Yeah, welcome.

First I want to talk about safety--physical, emotional, and legal. If she is flipping out and claiming you hurt her, that's dangerous. Hopefully investigation would disprove the claim, but be aware of this. The fact that she's drunk and seemingly out of control won't prevent your being arrested. It's common for victims of abuse to also have alcohol issues (coping mechanism), and it's also common for them to later recant and say that they lied. So her retracting the statement later wouldn't necessarily save you. I'm a retired domestic violence prosecutor and I train the police and prosecutors now on what to do in these cases. I can tell you that unless there is a documented history of her abusing you, there's a good chance you would be prosecuted and possibly convicted based on statements she made at the time.

It is NOT SAFE for you to be in this relationship as it currently stands. I would strongly suggest that you contact your local women's shelter (they help anyone who's been abused) and get some guidance about obtaining a protective order. That would require her to leave and to have no contact with you.

I know it feels extreme, and I know that you love her. But this could easily turn tragic for one or both of you.

You never know, maybe this will make her realize how bad things are. SOMETIMES that is the outcome. But many alcoholics have to have multiple losses in their lives before they take this as seriously as they should and are willing to do the hard work required to get sober and stay that way.

If you talk with an advocate at the shelter it will be confidential. No one will force you to do anything you don't want to do. If you're not willing to obtain an order, you can make a report at the police station about what's been happening at home. It COULD result in her being arrested, but at least you will have a report on file that MIGHT help protect you if she pulls another stunt like the one she did. Next time, her friend might call the police. And again, as careful as the police are to do their job right, the fact is that in 99 percent of the cases where they arrive on the scene it actually IS the female partner that is being abused. So you're playing with fire to remain in this situation.

I have great empathy--my older son was in a relationship with a woman who was physically and verbally and emotionally abusive. I was grateful that he left when he did.

Ariesagain

Her lies and threats could ruin your life far more easily than hers. And before you can say "she'd never do that..." yes, she would. She's a rapidly deteriorating alcoholic

Listen to Lexiecat...she knows this stuff inside and out. Protect yourself at all costs. I don't know if it's a holiday weekend where you live, but this has binge written all over it. If she starts to drink, leave and make sure everyone knows you're out of there so she can't accuse you or abuse you.

Please stay and read some threads here. This is a wonderful place for knowledge and support.

SaveHer

Welcome, WinedOut.

Stress can really do a number one our bodies. I know my body responds VERY poorly to stress: panic attacks, hives, cluster headaches, etc.

It's no wonder you've been having such intense anxiety! It sounds like your partner lies to you, harasses you, and abuses you both verbally and physically. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to control her or change this about her. All you can control is yourself.

Are you willing to continue tolerating this? Even if it will more than likely continue to get worse if she doesn't seek help? Have you really resigned yourself to a life of pain?

I hope you know you're worth more than this.

dandylion

Winedout....I know that you say that you love her....but, in this kind of situation , love is not enough....the love will not protect you and it won't "save" her....
Only she can "save" her....
In fact, staying in the situation may even make it worse...as you would be enabling her...
I realize that you may see it as your "job" to save her...or, you may see her as a wounded bird, with a broken wing, that needs to be rescued....but, that kind of t hinking will lead you to total disaster.....I promise you, it will....

It would be better if you engage an alcoholism counselor and/or a therapist who is EXPERIENCED with addictions....
Contacting a domestic violence center and speaking to one of the workers, is a good idea...
You need to get professional help....asap....
You are in over your head, at this point.....there is no shame in getting help...In fact it is the intelligent thing to do....

You can't lose her, by any of these actions, because, as it stands, now...you have already lost her....

timetohealguy

Hi WinedOut ...

As a guy who was abused by his ex-wife when she was drinking, and having been given amazing advice by a number of caring people on this site, I'll offer you my two cents on this situation.

A few years ago, I was in almost exactly the same position you are in now.

I had always considered myself an educated decent guy and I never thought that I would ever experience anything like this. When I met my ex, she exhibited no signs whatsoever that she was even remotely capable of any kind of abuse at all. For the first few years of our relationship, she was the kindest, warmest woman I had ever met.

The fact is that alcohol knows no boundaries - it can affect anyone, and there is no limit to how drastically alcohol can change a person ...


That last paragraph could have been written by me about my ex ... that is exactly what I experienced with her drinking.

That kind of abuse is incredibly difficult for anyone to cope with. For men it also feels deeply humiliating and emasculating to be abused by your wife or girlfriend.

I know exactly what you are talking about there. The belittling, the deeply personal insults, using stuff I told her in confidence against me, as if the alcohol just makes them want to hurt you in the most excruciating way possible. Not fun.

I got chills when I read that section above of your post.

Ask yourself ... what advice would you give to one of your guy friends if your friend told you that his girlfriend had gotten physically and verbally aggressive with him, and then she flipped it and pretended to be the scared victim, called her friend, said she was scared of your guy friend and needed help, and then she laughed at your guy friend ?

Really think about that.

When you are in the middle of a situation like that yourself, it is hard to see the situation clearly and objectively. Putting a friend in a similar situation and thinking about what advice you would give them can be a very helpful thing to do to help you see the situation more clearly.

That uncomfortable feeling when you think about that and compare it to your own situation is cognitive dissonance ... article here ...

Unreality Check: Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse

You need to remember that if the police are called by a neighbor etc and a woman claims she is scared or being threatened, in many places the guy is going to get arrested and be charged with domestic violence.

I never ever drank at home because I was trying to set a good example for my ex. However she was often drunk at home - very very angry drunk.

I thought by me never drinking at home, that I would also always be able to de-escalate her drunken rages.

Then one night, she was drunk, absolutely out of control and raging, she was yelling at me through a locked door, and I said I was going to call someone who would make sure she got treatment for her drinking ... she then threatened that if I made that call, she would intentionally injure herself and that then she would call the police and claim that I had hurt her.

At that moment, any trust and faith I had left in her completely evaporated.

I immediately left our home for the night.

The fact that the woman I loved would threaten me in that way shocked me to my core. This was a woman who before she started drinking was the kindest, warmest person I had ever met - a woman who had absolute integrity. It made me realize just how far down the rabbit hole of alcoholism she had gone.

She was no longer herself when she drank, but someone else.

There is nothing worse than a false accusation of violence.

A few days later I spoke to a doctor about my ex's threat, who advised me that when some alcoholics are in that state they are in psychosis, that this kind of threat of false accusation was extremely serious. It was clearly an indication of a brain hijacked by alcohol, where she now acted in a way that was completely different to the person she had been when she was sober.

Those kinds of false accusations can potentially end up with a man facing serious false charges. And an apology from the alcoholic the next day is not going to make that go away.

I did not create that toxic situation - she did through her decisions to refuse treatment and just keep drinking. The alcohol completely hijacked her brain.

False Allegations in Divorce and Custody Battles: The Personality Types of False Accusers and the Falsely Accused reads ...

---------------------------
"What happens to men when they’re falsely accused?

Many men experience a very rude awakening when they enter the justice system via false allegations. Perhaps the truth will prevail, but typically not without a considerable amount of collateral damage to themselves and their children.

When a man is accused of abusing a woman or child, any concept of due process and “innocent until proven guilty” flies out the window. Men are assumed guilty until proven innocent when a woman cries abuse" ...

"False allegations can turn a difficult divorce into full out nuclear war.

When a woman calls 911 and alleges violence, a man is often required to vacate the family home. If his wife follows up with an emergency protective order, he must then submit to prolonged alienation from his children. He becomes caught in both the criminal justice system and social service bureaucracies, which may result in jail time and/or court-ordered therapy while the real criminal, his lying wife, wins possession of both the children and the marital home.

Men who are falsely accused by their exes also face the threat of presumably well-intentioned, but zealous and biased mental health professionals and court evaluators who are quick to believe the accusations of the often highly emotional, female false accusers based on little to no evidence."
---------------------------


Regret and remorse are two very different things.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ret-vs-remorse reads ...

----------------
"What’s the difference between regret and remorse? Regret has to do with wishing you hadn’t taken a particular action. You may regret an action because it hurt someone else, but you may also regret it because it hurt you, it cost you something emotionally or financially, or led to a punishment or undesirable result. Regret can lead a person to feel sorrow, grief, hurt and anger—but these can be for the pain s/he feels for the self, not necessarily for the other person who was hurt by the behavior. ...

Remorse involves self-reproof, admitting one’s own mistakes, and taking responsibility for your actions. It creates a sense of guilt and sorrow for hurting someone else, and leads to confession and true apology. It also moves the remorseful person to avoid doing the hurtful action again. Regret leads a person to avoid punishment in the future, while remorse leads to avoiding hurtful actions towards others in the future."
----------------

The day after incidents of her abusing me while drunk, my ex was also embarrassed, ashamed, apologetic and promised that things wouldn't happen again.

Things did happen again and again and again. In my ex's case, the time between drunken incidents gradually got shorter and shorter, until she was raging at me 3 or 4 nights a week.

And as the incidents became more and more frequent, they also became more and more intense. First she just raged at me at home - eventually she raged at me in public.

Then she started threatening me with physical violence at home when she got drunk.

Again, she apologised the next day each time, and was embarrassed, ashamed, apologetic and promised that it wouldn't happen again.

The threats of physical violence from her towards me just kept happening - they became like "part of what she did" when she was drunk.

I mistakenly believed that they were just threats. And then one night they were no longer just threats ... she assaulted me.

The next day she was embarrassed, ashamed, apologetic and promised that it wouldn't happen again. She sobered up for a few months. The abuse stopped completely.

A few months later she started drinking again and she threatened me with physical violence again.

You need to understand, without treatment the drunk anger stuff only gets worse. It escalates. It does not get better until the alcoholic accepts they have a problem with both anger and alcohol and accepts treatment.


I developed stomach pains too and severe nausea whenever my ex drank.

Panic Attack Nausea: Causes and Solutions reads ...

"One of the symptoms that most resembles an illness is panic attack nausea".

Panic attacks can be a symptom of a "false alarm" of the body's fight or flight system where the body and brain react as if it is life threatening situation when it is not ... but in the case of an alcoholic spouse, if you are worried about her when she is drunk (my ex's drinking had put her in hospital multiple times), that is not a "false alarm" reaction, Because alcohol is a threat to an alcoholic's life, this is exactly the kind of scenario that made humans evolve the fight or flight response. You react the way you do because you can see the risk to her life that alcohol poses, and as a protective guy your fight or flight mechanism kicks in ... correctly and just as it should.

The problem is not your reaction - the problem is her drinking. This is not some chicken and egg scenario. Her drinking is causing you to feel panicked and physically ill. Her drinking is what needs to stop, not your hardwired evolutionary response to real danger.


I went through a very very similar thing with my ex.

She was constantly falling back into the trap of thinking that she could have "just a couple of drinks" socially. Those events often ended up with her blackout drunk, angry at me if she was at home, unconscious or a trip to the hospital.

I was thinking a few days ago about all the serious drinking incidents my ex had ...

My ex ended up in hospital multiple times due to her drinking. She completely embarrassed herself in front of her friends, damaged friendships with her closest friends. She almost died in hospital.

... if I was a drinker and had suffered any one of those incidents as a result of alcohol, I would have resolved to never ever drink again, and kept that resolve for the rest of my life.

If I had ever got drunk just once and was aggressive in any way to my spouse, I would be like "that is clearly not OK, ever" and would never ever drink again. Ever.

But alcoholics don't think that way. They develop a kind of amnesia to the consequences that happened last time they drank, and they think "despite what happened last time I drank, and the time before that, and the time before that, this time it will be OK".

Drinking alcohol becomes more important to them than their spouse, their friends, their family, their job and anything else in their lives. It becomes their everything. It becomes their absolute number one priority and everything and everyone else in their lives comes a very distant second.


She's not "right" about ruining only her life ... because she doesn't exist in a vacuum - her drinking doesn't just affect her - it affects you too. My ex used to have a similar attitude, as if her drinking wasn't hurting anyone except her.

Some alcoholics act as if they not part of a couple, not part of a team, not part of a family. When in reality they are hurting everyone around them.

I don't think your emotions are "out of whack" at all. Feeling sick about her drinking is a normal human reaction. Wanting her to stop drinking is a normal human reaction. Being worried is a normal human reaction.

What is out of whack in this situation is that she is putting alcohol ahead of what should be much more important things in her life.


If I could go back in time and give myself some advice at the same point in time in my relationship that you seem to be at, it would be this ...

I thought I had the situation under control somehow. In reality I had no comprehension of how out of control the situation with her drinking was. I thought I just needed to support her and that everything would be fine. It wasn't.

In hindsight, I feel like what I saw and knew about her drinking was just the tip of the iceberg of her drinking. Many alcoholics hide their drinking. So all you see with an alcoholic who hides it is snippets when they have not hidden it well enough.

Alcoholics can often gaslight their spouses into believing that things are not as serious as they really are. They downplay how much they drink, they downplay how often they drink, and they downplay the seriousness of the consequences of their drinking.

I thought my emotions were out of whack at the time too. In fact my ex encouraged me to believe that I was over-reacting.

It is only with hindsight that I can see that I was not over-reacting to her drinking - if anything I under-reacted. If I could go back in time, I would have tried to get her family, friends and her doctor to intervene much much earlier than I did. I would have made as much "noise" as required to get someone to take action. The hardest part of course is that in many cases, if an alcoholic is forced into treatment by friends or family, they will just check themselves straight out of rehab again. Without Step One, the drinker accepting they have a problem, treatment is very difficult.

This article titled "Gaslighting: How Addicts Drive Loved Ones Over the Edge" is a must read ...

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2...over-the-edge/

The lies that alcoholics tell their families and spouses destroy trust. Once the trust is gone, the relationship is gone.

Marriage Builders has some good articles about alcoholic spouses here ...

Alcoholic Spouse #1

Alcoholic Spouse #2

Alcoholic Spouse #3

You shouldn't ignore or downplay the stomach pains you are getting as a result of your spouse's drinking.

I ignored it when I started suffering physical symptoms as a result of my ex's drinking. I downplayed it.

I didn't understand how serious those physical symptoms were and what they meant about the seriousness of the damage that was being done to my mental health as a result of her drinking, her raging, and her threats and abuse of me.

As many on the forum know, I ended up with serious depression, which have taken me a very long time in therapy to recover from - I am still in therapy now for the problems which I developed as a result of her drinking and her behavior towards me.

Had I known at the time where the abuse was leading to in terms of my mental health, I would removed myself from the situation and insisted that she got help much much sooner.

Instead I stayed and took the abuse, thinking that I was somehow helping her by showing her I would stand by her. If she was accepting treatment and taking responsibility, then standing by her would have been the right thing to do. In my case after getting sober briefly, she kept drinking, and her drinking just damaged me more and more.

I would also check out CRAFT ...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commun...amily_Training

At the end of the day, the biggest risk to you in all this is not taking it seriously enough.

The final thing I would do, is do not drink at home yourself - ever - not a drop. Why is this so important ? ...

If worst came to worst and one day the police arrived at the door with me facing false allegations, I would absolutely want to be stone cold sober for that conversation.

Always being sober at home also makes it easier to not react to abuse being thrown at you.

If I was in your position I would also speak to a therapist and get some advice about how to protect yourself from damage caused by her drinking.

timetohealguy

Great post dandylion !

Where you wrote "It would be better if you engage an alcoholism counselor and/or a therapist who is EXPERIENCED with addictions" ... that is spot on.

And "experienced" is in upper case there for a reason - exactly right.

timetohealguy

Great post Aries !

That section above reminds me of when my ex threatened to falsely accuse me, it really struck me that she was no longer the person I fell in love with.

Part of it for me was understanding that when my ex was drinking, she was no longer that person she was before the drinking, so any faith I had in my ex when she was not drinking was potentially dangerously misplaced if I placed the same faith and trust in the person who my ex was when she was drinking.

These kind of posts where people recognise danger and take the time to say "Look ! Danger ! Here !" are really heartwarming to me. People look out for each other on this forum.

In hindsight, the night my ex threatened to falsely accuse me could have ended up as a massively negative turning point in my life.

timetohealguy

This !

That is scary.

That part about multiple losses is so so true !

That is exactly what I was thinking of as I read the first post in this thread. If her friend called the police the whole situation could have ended very very differently.

timetohealguy

There are some very interesting comments by Judge Jeanine Pirro here - this has to be seen to be believed ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmnp4Qbbjcg

LexieCat

In the many years I worked as a DV prosecutor, I encountered maybe one or two victims that I ultimately believed were "gaming" the system. In fact, we charged one with perjury.

I want to emphasize that the reason for not dropping charges just because the victim says it didn't happen is that those recantations are VERY RARELY TRUE. A VERY significant majority of real victims of abuse (and this includes male victims of abuse) later recant, minimize the abuse, or wind up testifying for the defense.

I know that false allegations occur, but in my experience they are rare. I HAVE seen abusers who self-inflict injuries and then claim that the victim abused him/her. That's why thorough investigations are key, and things like making a report can help sort out what is really going on. So anytime threats or incidents like this occur, it is in your best interest to report them--for your own protection.

atalose

That doesn’t sound like a relationship but more of a hostage situation with you volunteering to be her hostage. Love isn’t supposed to be mean or hurtful or vindictive and being under the influence of alcoholic isn’t an acceptable excuse for unacceptable behavior.

Believe her!!!!! And you are in there by choice……………..you do have other choices you just don’t like them.

We often focus so much on trying to save them and trying to get them to seek help that we don’t even realize that’s it’s us that needs the saving. I’d find a counselor for YOU who can help you figure things out and guide you in a healthier direction of thinking.

Ariesagain

TImetohealguy, thank you so much for your posts. Your willingness to share your hard-earned wisdom, experience and resources is such a gift to anyone in this situation...I hope the OP comes back and truly absorbs your words.

BrianTX2000

your GF does exactly what my wife does. I was feeling the same way you felt and I was told that I was suffering from PTSD. Every time my wife did a certain behavior, it cause me severe anxiety.

timetohealguy

When my ex assaulted me, part of the reason why I did not call the police was because I felt like doing that would just make her mental health and her drinking worse, which in turn I thought would make my life worse. I realise there is a Stockholm Syndrome-esque element to that, but that is how I felt.

Since alcoholism is an illness, and she was drunk when she assaulted me, I saw her assault of me as being part of the illness. I know that being drunk is no excuse for domestic violence, but at the time I saw her assault of me more as evidence of illness than evidence of a crime.

Plus of course there is a huge stigma for men to admit that they have been assaulted by their wife or girlfriend ...

On top of the shock and violation that any victim of domestic violence feels regardless of gender, for me there was also the added shame that I as a man had been assaulted by a woman. That stuff is really difficult for men to process. There was a deeply humiliating and emasculating aspect to it.

When she assaulted me, that was the thing that finally broke me emotionally.

Before that point, I felt like I could cope with how she had treated me - her words when she was drunk and raging were often incredibly hurtful, but I had somehow coped with that by telling myself that because she was drunk when she said those things, she was not herself when she said those things, and that therefore she did not mean those awful things she said.

Before the assault, I had read an article about how a man can be the "hero" in a relationship or family by sticking by his wife no matter what. So up to that point, I was just completely committed to getting her well again ... regardless of what effect enduring her verbal abuse had on me.

But when she assaulted me, it was like it broke something inside me. After that I truly felt like a victim, whereas before the assault I didn't feel like a victim.

One night a few days after it happened, the reality of what had happened sunk in. I burst into tears and just cried and cried. It was a like a delayed reaction to it.

I was scared that since it had happened once, it might happen again in the future. It felt like a line had been crossed and I was very scared that now that that line had been crossed by her, it might be crossed again.

I needed massive reassurance on that. I needed to know it would never ever happen again. I needed to know that to feel safe at home. And I felt like the only way I could feel confident it would never happen again was if she committed to never drink a drop of alcohol ever again. She was a completely different person when she was drunk compared to who she was when she was sober. I felt like I saw lifelong abstinence from alcohol by her as the only way I could be completely confident that I would not be assaulted again.

It was incredibly difficult to cope with.

I was so embarrassed and felt so emasculated and humiliated about being assaulted, that for many months I didn't even tell my therapist that my ex had assaulted me. I kept that information from the one person who I could really trust in the situation, my therapist, who could have provided me with the support I needed to start dealing with what had happened. It was only many months later that I finally told my therapist that I had been assaulted.

I did however tell my therapist about the threat from my ex of false allegation against me. I knew that if my ex then carried out that threat, my therapist could confirm that I had told my therapist about that threat at the time it was made. But it was an incredibly difficult situation to be in when you feel like you have have to tell someone that, because you are scared of what your wife might do when she is drunk.

A big part of why I didn't contact the police about what had happened with her threatening me with that false allegation, nor about her assaulting me, was because I was absolutely terrified that I would not be believed. I was terrified that because my ex had threatened to make that false allegation against me, that if I spoke up about me being assaulted, that she might turn from the aggressor into a false victim.

It felt like it was too dangerous for me to speak up about what she had done to me, even with me having told my therapist about the threat from my ex of false allegation. My ex had made a number of threats against me, and I felt like when her brain was hijacked by alcohol, that she was capable of carrying out those threats.

So yes, my fear of not being believed and my fear of her falsely claiming she was a victim controlled me. At the time, the risk of me not being believed and my fear of potentially finding myself on the end of false allegation seemed to me to outweigh anything constructive that might come from me speaking up about me having been assaulted, but that may just be indicative of where my thinking was at the time.

Maybe if I did report the threat of false allegation to the police when it happened, they might have intervened and then the assault later might never have happened.

Maybe if I did report the assault, she would have been court ordered into alcohol treatment.

To this day, I really struggle with all that stuff - this has been one of the most difficult posts ever for me.

But I feel like if people like me who have been threatened with false allegation don't say "this stuff of people being threatened with false allegation really does happen", then it makes it harder for people who find themselves on the receiving end of false allegations.

http://shrink4men.com/2011/08/24/fal...lsely-accused/ reads ...

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"In my practice, I coach many men through the divorce process. Prior to pulling the pin and telling their abusive wives that the marriage is over, I help my clients create a safe exit strategy. I use the phrase “pulling the pin” deliberately, because divorcing an abusive, high-conflict and possibly personality disordered woman is often very much like handling a live grenade.

I warn every single male client who is about to divorce or break-up with an abusive partner that he may be at risk for becoming the target of false allegations.

Many men can’t comprehend how or why their partner or ex could fabricate such a lie. Even when their wives have threatened to call 911 during the relationship to intimidate and control them, they still have a difficult time believing that it could happen to them. Men whose wives or girlfriends have threatened to call the cops during their relationship to intimidate or control them are especially at risk should they decide to separate."
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timetohealguy

A lot of spouses and children of alcoholics can end up with Complex PTSD. Some refer to it as Cumulative PTSD ... instead of just one traumatic incident, it is the cumulative effect of lots of incidents over time.

There are some articles about that stuff here ...

The Hidden Pain of the Addicted Family | HuffPost ... reads ...

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"How Trauma Leads to Addiction

Living with the kind of unpredictable and damaging behaviors that surround addiction, often challenges our sense of a normal and predictable world. It undermines our trust and faith in relationships and their ability to nurture and sustain us. In interferes with our ability to communicate our needs and have them heard or to listen to another person communicate theirs. It is, in other words, traumatizing.

Over time this "cumulative" trauma (it's never just one time in the addicted home, right?) can engender trauma related symptoms such as depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, low self worth and somatic disturbances (head and body aches, chronic tension and so forth).

These symptoms, if they go untreated in family members, can become full blown PTSD. They can lead to all sorts of life, learning, health, psychological and relationship complications and yes, you guessed it, a desire to self medicate. This is how the insidious baton of addiction gets handed down through the generations. Addiction engenders trauma symptoms and trauma symptoms engender addiction.

Even if family members do not become alcoholics or drug addicts themselves, they are at increased risk for other forms of self medicating (food, sex or money, or hybrid combinations of two or three). They are also at increased risk for other types of trauma related symptoms. Who needs to locate an "alcoholic gene"? Understanding the trauma set up makes intergenerational dysfunction or "passing down the pain" clear enough as to make a gene only proof of what we already know."
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Also see ...

Complex PTSD: Response to Prolonged Trauma

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordp...sorder-c-ptsd/

The Legacy of Addictions: A Form of Complex PTSD?

Yes, Adult Children of Alcoholics Can Suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Heal from PTSD :: Guess What Normal Is

LexieCat

Oh, I know that it does happen. It happened to my son, who had property destroyed, was physically assaulted, and then threatened after he left. I didn't know about the extent of it until after he left, when I guess he felt safe enough to tell me (after all, he's very much aware of what I do for a living). It is, indeed, very difficult for men who are victimized--not to suggest it's "easier" for women, but it adds a layer of complication--the more unusual cases are more easily overlooked.

The point of my post was that the reasons for not accepting recantations as the truth have nothing to do with favoritism toward women, and that there are often good, survival-related reasons for false recantations.

I'm very, very glad you made it out of the relationship safely. I told my son how proud I was of him that he took the difficult step of leaving (part of why he was reluctant to leave immediately was that this woman had a young son and he feared for the child's well-being). I think he learned some important things about self-care as a result of this debacle. When his current girlfriend went through an emotional meltdown a couple of years ago, he was steady and continued to go to work and deal with his own stuff while she worked through hers (happy ending there--she got some help and is doing very well and we all like her very much).

timetohealguy

Hi Lexie,

I experienced all those things too.

Yes I wasn't suggesting that the reasons for not accepting recantations as the truth have anything to do with gender or favoritism. In fact I can imagine abused men also recanting statements of real abuse if they are pressured to.

I consider domestic violence to be a problem with violent people, not "violent men" nor "violent women". Same deal with alcoholism - it's alcoholism regardless of gender - it's the same core problem regardless of gender.

I link to some articles on sites that some may consider "mens rights sites" not because I am trying to promote a gender war, but because mens rights sites seem to be among the few places that those kinds of articles appear on. Those sites seem to offer a safe place for men to talk about their experiences of being on the receiving end of abuse and domestic violence.

That I feel comfortable talking on this forum about what I went through, is really a testament to what a healing and supportive environment this forum is.

Yes you are right about abused men having an added layer of complication. I guess my story is just an illustration of why a man may keep the abuse they suffer a secret, and experience of that layer of complication.

Some people say that the actual level of domestic violence against men is under-reported because their is such a stigma attached to it. I hope my post above is an example of why some men feel like it is not safe for them to report threats of false allegations against them, or actual abuse against them.

My only hope is that by me talking about what I went through, maybe it can help some other person experiencing a similar situation, whether that person is a man or a woman.

I made it out safely physically, but my experiences have really damaged my ability to trust people. I haven't been able to face the thought of dating or another relationship since the relationship with my ex. I've been on my own for a few years now.

It's good to hear your son is in a better place now.

LexieCat

I'm leery of the "men's rights" sites, mainly because they are a known haven for abusers seeking ammunition to use against their victims. I'm not saying they are ALL like that, but they certainly seem to be a magnet for that contingent.

Actually, programs funded by VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) target ALL types of abuse--including abuse against male victims in a DV/SV (sexual violence) context. If there seems to be a "bent" toward helping women, it's just that statistically there are more female victims of abuse in the DV context than there are male victims. Female victims also have additional challenges in terms of financial resources (often paid less than men, may have their finances controlled by the abuser) affecting their ABILITY to leave (even when they want to).

EVERY person has a right to be, and to feel safe. ALL DV and SV is underreported--one of the things my organization does is to make it easier for ALL victims to report and be supported, whether there is a criminal proceeding or not.

I realize this has digressed a bit, and not directly responsive to the OP, but I want anyone affected by violence to reach out for help. Advocates are of great assistance in navigating the system.