rlt1999

I am new to this part of having a drug addict brother meaning we have always just almost ignored it as a family. There are 3 years between my brother and I and we were very close as kids. Right around when he was 14 he was diagnosed with type 2 juvenile diabetes. He was very angry about this, did not want to be compliant at all. He always had friends that I knew did drugs. Even in grade school. Pot of course. Then it's like I knew it had escaladed but not to the extent or that I wanted to acknowledge it. Needles were not uncommon to find but then there were some with burnt areas and then bent spoons. So he was in icu in and out from 15 to 20. He received a pancreas transplant how I do not know which maybe I have my timing off because this has gone on for so long and he didn't have diabetes for about a month from that. Then he started doing bad things again. Then his new organ failed, his chest had to be ripped open several different times. All this with my mother never leaving his side. Beating herself up feeling responsible. We then became aware of his drug problem. Still she sat by his side. Even almost missing my baby shower. Which I felt bad about even feeling upset she almost missed it.

My mother is a very strong headed person that likes to control things even still trying to treat me like a child by the way she speaks to me.

Fast forward 7 years ago we decided to move back to our hometown because my parents needed to get out, I was worried about them with all the stress my brother was adding to them. So they went to Florida and I felt it was my turn to take over taking care of him. So we are living 5 minutes away from him now. He is in his 3rd home my parents have gotten him. First a condo, then an apartment that they completely remodeled and now my grandparents home after they had passed away. He gets assistance from the government but they pay his bills plus give him $200 every 2 weeks. Each place he destroyed, horded anything and everything and the smell made you want to bath after you left. Starting in the apartment were the calls all hours of the night that he was scared, thought he was going to die, liver was swollen, calling my mom and she would stay on the phone with him until it would die and then she had no way to check on him. Here is my part Every time the call to go check on him. In a always dark apartment trying to walk through the clutter terrified of who else might be there to maybe find my brother dead. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to do that. A few I would have my husband go with me because I was so scared.

Mind you he is a sick person however I do not know how sick. Diabetes of course but I have also heard congestive heart failure but I have never seem that on his hospital paper work.

So now he is in my grandmother's home that he has trashed. The inside however the outside he keeps mowed and extremely perfect. However as always security cameras everywhere to random tv's he has gotten all over the house as always. As I type this I am really seeing just things I had not wanted to beleive. The calls to my mom always happening. Calls either he is crying or begging for me to come sit and hold his hand (34) or I or my mom are getting the f word thrown at us and yelled at because of what we are not doing for him. So through this about once every 2 or 3 months I get the call to go check on him and to get him on an ambulance that he does not want so you can imagine how happy he is. If he is conscious after I get an ambulance called while he is swearing at me I have to call his friend because he won't go unless he is taken outside. He comes carried him like a baby and the whole time he is telling him what a good friend he is and that he loves him. It got to the point where I would just say to them and tell them he uses meth. Everytime I would go in take pictures for my parents they of course didn't want to see it because they knew what it looked like. Always mad while he is in ICU for 3 or 4 days usually get released directly from there. His blood sugar is always above 900 when this happens. He has ran around the er naked, he has swung at Docters which I always warn them that he is a terrible patient.

Last year was my first breaking point. They still wanted me to go in when he needed help at one point expecting me to leave my 2 children 9 and 11 at home because they were asleep and they did t want me to take them to go help him. So I got my mother in law to come over, went and found him on the floor barely breathing. Blood coming out of his nose, mouth and ear. It was way worse then I had ever found him and I know if it had been any later he would have died. I usually did not go to the hospital but this time I did. I was in the room while there was just someone all over my brother working on him in such a rush. Asking me for all his medication which at this point we learned that I just needed to keep a list on my phone. He had to be intubated, tubes, wires everywhere. Everyone yelling. It rocked me to my core. My parents are always 16 hours away in their Florida home.

They finally came arrived and then a few days later he is released but not before my mom has gone in and cleaned his house from top to bottom again. He of course is mad when she does it but after he gets home she is cooking meals for him treating him like a child. He knows exactly how to work my parents that my children have picked up on it. He will be completely fine and then she comes in the room and it's moaning, he can hardly talk, laying on the couch. It is a show.

I was at the end of my rope. That next day my mom and I were each at the end of the kitchen table my kids upstairs my dad in the basement and my husband outside. I begin telling her how this is effecting me and how something needs to change. She gets upset and then tells me to stop being an fing baby. My mother has never spoken to me that way at least with the f word. She does say mean things to me when she is stressed but I have allowed it. I got up and ran out into our pasture and into the woods. I had to be away from her. I called my brother crying begging him to stop that he is tearing the family apart. He was very comforting to me and said yes and he is sorry. Until a few months later when it happens again. I had, had it with that year and was ready for a change. This year hasn't.

At the beginning of the year my brothers doctor who is wonderful sat him and my parents down and told him he needed to stop. To move south with my parents to get out of this town. My brother said he can't and he won't. The next week he got a letter saying that he was no longer a patient of his. My parents were so angry that they stopped going to him as well because nobody can tell my brother no.

This last time it happened my dad was in Florida my mom was on the east coast taking care of her dying mother. She had been on the phone with him for 4 hours listening to him sleep until his phone died. They did this time want me to wait until my husband was home to go in there. They honestly thought he was dead. I tried to get them to have a police officer do a well check because I had lost my keys from remodeling our home. They said no but we could try to get in however we needed to. So here we are walking around the house checking doors. We find one unlocked so my husband goes in and cannot find him. He checks the basement, the bathtub where he really thought he would find him. He is no where. I start calling hospitals. Find him in one and that he has been there since that early morning. Went in with a blood sugar of 985. How he called himself I have no idea. Before we leave my husband begins to look around. There are of course 100's of needles everywhere which is normal but then his blood sugar monitor case is on the chair so I get it to see if he needs it. I open it and there are 3 pipes. My husband opens 2 different glasses cases and it's full of little bags of meth. Gum packages he has took out the gum and put meth in there. We find a drawer with a cutting board razer, scale. We know he has made it so I'm guessing he is selling it??? Why else would he need those things. We go out to the van to call both my parents at the same time and tell them everything. They are both so angry I find myself defending my brother. Saying they aren't coming, he is cut off, he is out of the will, my dad is calling an attorney to make sure they can't get in trouble being that the house is in their name. They again do not want to see the pictures. They tell me they will never ask me to do that again and I'm never to go there again. I also told them I do not want him in our home. We live on a dead end gravel road. I have been scared this past year that he will be using and angry and hurt our animals or us while we are asleep. I have had dreams he has attacked me. Mind you he is 95 lbs wet. We do not vacation because I am afraid he will break in our home. So we never go anywhere over night.

A few days pass after he gets out of the hospital and I could kinda tell my parents tone with him was changing but was not for sure. I get a call at 9 pm and my husband is mowing I am trying to get the animals taken care of because a huge storm was rolling in. My daughter brings out the phone and says my mom needs to talk to me and it will be real quick. She very quickly says your brother has a ride to come out tomorrow to get a company truck she keeps at our house. He needs to go mow his friends yard for his daughters birthday. Like he is doing such a great thing. I very well know she is picturing balloons and streamers when it is going to be a keg and pot. And then its oh and they will bring it back the next day. She was turning 19.

I felt like I had been hit in the chest by a truck. She made it come out of her mouth with such normalcy. So I start crying because I just really do not know how to explain how it felt but to say it broke me. Thats what i felr like i was broken in half. I said so you want him and someone he associates with to come to my home 2 times. You want him to use your company truck that your grandchildren occasionally ride in. What if he drops something? Nothing I said mattered, she handed the phone to my dad. I just gave up. I said fine. We will take him the truck tonight if he really needs to go mow someone's yard but it's staying there. Hung up and broke down. I think it was a panic attack but I was on the gravel driveway. My husband heard me screaming over the mower and thought someone had died. As I type this I realize someone had. My relationship with my family, especially my parents. I get a text from my brother telling me where to put the keys and where to put the truck. My husband drives it in puts it wherever and leaves keys in ignition. On our way there it begins pouring rain so hard I can hardly see to drive. This is at 12:30 at night when we had finished what we needed to do before the rain. My husband gets up at 5:15 for work and does not get home until 7 pm.

I have to sleep in the basement because I can't stop crying and he has to get some sleep. I have had migraines for the last 10 years. Of course I got one that night. I wake up early crying and then at 8 am which is weird for him to be up that early get a text from my brother that was so mean and hateful telling me I am a love lossed. And something about where the truck was parked. Again punched in the chest. I actually took a picture of myself because I did not think my parents would believe how upset I was. It was a very hard day but I tried to hold it together for the kids. They are 11 and 13 and are aware of his addiction. We told them because if we died I was worried that my mom would put them in situations with my brother and never tell them. Our will has been changed in that area now. This was a Tuesday night when it happened and I had been a mess the entire time and then Sunday came it was mother's day. I knew I needed to call her because I didn't want her to feel bad. Mind you she did not try to contact me once from Tuesday night until then which is only because I called. She cannot go 24 hours without speaking to him. I had to go in the garage and pace and cry and try to figure out how to even talk to her because last year when I tried it was stop being an fing baby. My husband comes in and calms me down and we write out what points I really need to try to get across.

I call and for some reason which maybe he didn't my mom said my dad had to go to the car when I said I wanted to be on speaker to speak with both of them. She was acting like nothing had ever happened not have you been okay, nothing. We waited it was uncomfortable and then it's I'll call back as soon as he gets in. So they call back 20 minutes later. Which they obviously went over what they wanted to say to me. They spoke and I did not get to say 2 words. My mom said that my brother has his issues and she has a forgiving God. (She does not approve of our religion) so she got a dig there which is what she usually does and my brand new therapist because of this says it's because she is putting me in my place. My dad proceeded to say that he guarantees that one of our friends or someone in our church does drugs. I said dad do you really think if I knew someone made, sold and used meth that I would associate with them??? I could not beleive anything I was hearing. Then someone came over so they would call back which was another 30 minutes later. I just told them that there wasn't any point that they can handle him how they would like and I would how I like and us both respect that.

So from then on I go from speaking to my mother every day to maybe twice a week either on the phone or text and no more then 5 minutes.

The kids always spend a weekend with my parents every summer at a lake. I told my husband that I wanted to speak to the kids before they went because I thought my mom would speak to my brother. He did not think she would do that at all. I did speak with them and asked them how it made them feel what my brother does and told them it was up to my brother to want to get better. They said they feel like he loves drugs more then them which broke my heart because now they are feeling how I've felt the last 15 years. Which is what I never wanted. Prior to me meeting my mom for her to take the kids i just felt numb all over. I wanted everything to change. I cut 8 inches off my hair got botox and injections in my cheeks and lips because I did not want to be the same that badly. So the kids go with her and everything seems to have went very well. Then a couple days later after they are home I ask them if she said anything. On the way to the lake as soon as they got in her car she says so I guess your mom has spoke to you about her brother. They said yes. She then says well he is very, very sick and the Dr has told him that he can not stop doing drugs and that you cannot turn your back on family. I thought I was going to have a heart attack hearing that come out of my children's mouths. Her normalizing drug use meth at that and by a Dr to my children! So I stayed calm and asked if there was anything else. My daughter said she was on a walk with my mom and her friend and the friend asked my daughter if she's gets to see my brother that much she said not really and she proceeds to ask well do you get to see him once a month, once a week? Do you miss him? Again making my child feel uncomfortable. I thanked them for telling me and told them to keep working and I went outside to breathe not letting myself get upset because I didn't think I could stop and I didn't want them to see because I don't want them to ever keep anything from me to not upset me. I was feeling it though, so much that my 11 year old asked me if I was okay. My hands were shaking my chest hurt but I stayed calm.

And here we are today. I am meeting with my therapist once every 2 weeks. I still just get this feeling were my entire body aches, my chest hurts and I'm a nervous wreck. It happens anytime bit if my husband is with me I just put his band on my chest and it is amazing how much just that helps. The problem is he works long hours. So I am trying to figure out how to handle when that happens on my own. I will hug the kids or love on the dogs and that does help. I am constantly 2nd guessing my choice or stance of not communicating with my brother and not having a close relationship with my parents. I feel my mother is telling her friends a completely different story which probably does not include meth. And that she blames how and why I am doing this because of our religion. Which my therapist brought that up. She is really helping realize things I have never noticed but my best friend always has. I have always just not heard her. She has always said they have treated my brother and I differently but I felt and still do that i would be acting like a brat saying that. I still wonder that and second guess everything. Therapy lady wants me to stop 2nd guessing myself because of what my parents say. Anytime I have to speak with them or maybe see them which they are getting ready to be in town for 4 days coming up I get panicked. I don't want to see them or talk to them. Does that make me a bad daughter?

Having to go through every time the thought process of what if I find him dead how will I tell my parents. What words will I use. Now I have a fear of that they will blame me or tell me I regret not using the time I have with him.

My main question is should I go talk to my brother and just tell him why I can't do this anymore?? And that he can get help and there are you counselors a phone call away. Therapy lady thinks that would be enabling him still that he has to do it on his own. But I feel like then he couldn't use this sob story on my parents. Since this has happened they have reroofed his house and then had the outside painted. So he is taking full advantage.

There really is so much more bit I habe made this long enough. I really hope someone will read it. I'm just so tired of them holding over my head that look what your brother has and he has no quality of life and you have your husband and children. It makes me feel like I can't be happy.

When they come I to town I mentioned to my husband that what if I told my parents to an a dinner out to eat and invite my brother. Of course wanting us to pay for our own dinner because I do not want anything like that from them. Therapy lady says I have very strong feelings of breaking the cycle. Anyways my husband thinks that is reopening the door. That my mom will begin maki g any conversation completely about my brother again. They will take that and run. I feel like I could be civil but keep myself out of their situations??? He doesn't think it's a good idea because of these attacks I get. And we are still trying to decide how to handle what she said to the kids because I'm sure my dad has no idea about that. I thought well maybe she didn't say that bit that is what they took from it. Any advice or assurance would be greatly appreciated.

solicitude

Sometimes we just need to talk about it with people that "get it". I know it really helps me a lot.. I'm sorry about what you're going through. Hope you can find the strength to stand your ground and feel good that you are doing what's right, when no one else would.

Interestingly enough, I have learned that codependents react in the exact same fashion that addicts do when confronted with that which they deny. When you try to bring light to the real world they get angry, manipulative, defensive, aggressive- all that. My aunt pushes me away in the family because of this. Only people that follow the fantasy land they live in are welcome. I don't know.. It's very hard dealing with not only the addict, but the codies around them. They are all in such denial, and have to protect the cycle from breaking and pushing them back in to the truth.

PuzzledHeart

Your story made me so sad and angry. So angry, that I'm literally quaking with rage. This post is probably going to be somewhat disjointed so bear with me here. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Your parents have given up on your brother, but they refuse to admit it themselves. So it's just easier for them to shift blame on somebody else for his demise and unfortunately it happens to be you.

My cousin was bad. Really bad. He raped my sister. He physically abuse his younger siblings to the point they got sent to foster care. When he's with his parents, his mom locks the bedroom door so he doesn't come to their room to the middle of the night and kill them. When he beat my other relatives up, my aunt and uncle would essentially imprison the victims in the house so other people couldn't see what their son was doing. Their propensity to deny and ignore the violence that was happening in front of their own face went beyond their son. The aunt watched me get beat up by someone else and just stood there. Stood there! With my own sister, there's a video of her sticking a tube down her throat and funneling beer into it. When I showed my disapproval, my dad told me to get the stick out of my ass and lighten up. That year, she got kicked out of college. The first time she crashed my car, my parents got angry at ME because I got angry at her. They told me that since they were already angry at her, there was no need for me to be angry because she was punished enough.

I'm not telling you this so you can feel sorry for me and my family. I'm telling you this because I wanted to let you know that unfortunately you are not alone.

When my cousin raped my sister, he broke something inside her, and she turned to pot and alcohol in the attempt to hide her pain. She is the reason why I'm here on this board.

Your parents, your brother and you need professional help, and a family dinner ain't going to cut it. Have you thought about family counseling so you can have a conversation together? Or bringing in somebody from your parents' church to broker a conversation? Does somebody from your parents' church know what's going on?

I'm merely throwing these suggestions at you. You know the situation better than I do. You may say, my parents are so delusional/averse to therapy that I couldn't bring them to family counseling even I offered them a billion dollars. Nobody at my parents' church is knowledgeable about addiction and would just make things worse. That's OK. You will get plenty of advice here on this board. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

I will say the one thing that strikes me as I read your post is that you are very concerned about how people will perceive you. Once you let the notion go that you are what other people think of you it is incredibly freeing. My extended family thinks that I'm a world class bitch for not getting along with my sister. It's only now, after DECADES of this thought train, that they're beginning to see my side. They thought I was a liar when I told them that my nanny beat us up, because my sister said that we were spoiled brats who deserved it and they believed her. I stopped caring about that too. I can tell you from the other side, it's scary at first, but once you let go of the notion that you have some obligation to live the life that other people want you to live, and you start living the life that you and your husband actually NEED to live, it is incredibly freeing.

The truth is out there for your parents and their friends. What they do with that truth is totally up to them, just as what you do with the truth is totally up to you.
You can talk to them until the cows come and it won't matter a whit. You can only control your side of the street.

The truck incident. Next time your parents ask you to do anything like that stunt say no. Was he going to die if you didn't help him? Why is it that his needs take priority over yours? You travelled in a storm for cripes sake for a last minute request he could have addressed days ago. My sister pulls this stunt all the time. ALL THE TIME. And I hate to say this, but I suspect the reason why your parents were so adamant about you helping him is because it was probably easier for them to dump it on you than to deal with the fifteen plus phone calls coming from your brother begging them to ask you to do that favor.

You are not a professional. Your parents are not professionals. And if they think that their amateur efforts to help your brother have actually helped him they just have to look at him to recognize that they haven't. The money that they spend helping him is money that he spends on drugs. The food, the roof, the house - they've basically given him a wallet stuffed with cash so he can do whatever the hell he wants with it.


You have a better life than he does - well that's in large part because you made better choices than he did. And your parents are making you feel guilty because of that? What kind of messed up thinking IS that? They should be proud of you!!! And the diabetes? I'm sorry that he has that, but having diabetes doesn't make you a drug addict. Having a sucky disease doesn't give you a hall pass on becoming an adult. There are plenty of people with diabetes who have jobs, families, and NO drug addiction. He took the opportunities that were available to him and threw it away.

You can be happy IF you get off this crazy train. It's not going to be easy. I'm glad you're going to a therapist, but you may want to give Al-Anon a try, to talk to people in real life that are going through the same thing.

And please take care of yourself. Self-care is vital, and nobody should ever make you feel guilty for want you to take care of yourself. Welcome to SR, and now I'm going to practice some self-care myself, get some breakfast before I get really hangry, and go for a run. Please keep posting. This place has been a godsend for me, and I hope it can be a resource for you.

Maudcat

Hi, rlt. Welcome. Sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
It sounds as though your parents don't want to deal with your brother, so they have appointed you as the designated helper.
You can end the behavior, and I hope you will.
It's hard to say no to family. My alcohol addicted sib lives with my mother, who I see almost every day.
I get pulled into their drama at times, but Al-Anon has helped me a lot to distance myself.
Please check out Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. Could be a game changer.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome.

First, let's educate you on the Three C's.

You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it.

Your brother is an unhealthy drug addict. Your parents know he is out of control, yet want YOU to babysit him. Thing is, they can call the police instead of you, yet they say no, you go. This is a form of abuse. They made the choice to move away from him, they don't get to decide that you have to wrap your life around his.

Sometimes, especially with family, you have to love them from afar. Which means it is simply too toxic for you to have a relationship with them, but that you don't love them any less. That is absolutely OK.

Lastly, I would never let your children be with your parents alone if they are going to do what your mother did. Put what is good for your children first, every single time.

Big hugs.