solicitude

I left my ex boyfriend over 3 years ago because of his addiction to heroin and abuse of loved ones, I was also pregnant with our son at the time. It was the fact that I had a child on the way that opened my eyes to the danger and just bad sh** I was letting into my life. I started researching and asking around and found out about his long history of problems way too late but decided I wanted nothing to do with him and he wasn't to see my son alone in this state. My ex left us alone most of that time, too busy with the heroin lifestyle to pay us any mind and not wanting to deal with me around to visit with his son.

Well, he got arrested about a year ago for theft, was put on probation and was forced to do meetings and therapy, as well as taking the vivitrol shots for about a year. During this time he was doing really well, going to all his meetings, getting all his shots, got a new job, got a new girlfriend and started asking to see his son. I went to a lawyer and drafted an agreement to keep this out of court and agreed to gradually let him have more visits- starting out supervised and removing supervision around the time his probation was lifted. He did pretty good most of this time. On paper, doing everything he was supposed to. But he was controlling over me personally and blamed me for all of his problems and I still felt like something wasn't right. Didn't feel like I wanted to trust him with my precious child- Though I was starting to think I was being biased against him. That I was holding a grudge for all the stuff he had done to me. It was a strange position to be in, it was so hard to open my eyes and leave him, then he comes back into my life, not only taking my son for visits, but trying to bully me, giving me anxiety and more anger. But I still try to sort through what matters, put my anger aside and figure out what worries are legitimate and which are my bias/anger.

Today I got on fb and saw a message from his girlfriend (now ex) saying that he is being charged with domestic violence and assault. That he took her phone in a jealous, drunken rage and kept it for a whole day, then that he BIT her. Yes, bit her, then tried to kick her door in and 911 was called by a neighbor. I'm a little confused as to how I should react. I've known him to be abusive to his family and myself, but never to actually harm someone physically. And I thought he was doing soo well but this seems to say the opposite. I researched the court dockets around here and found he had ALSO been hit with like a Disorderly Intox charge last month. I'm fairly confused as to what to do here. My parents don't think I should still take my son on the visits, and I'm inclined to agree. But I don't know if this is really that bad, or if I am being biased and too hard on him. My kid wasn't around during any of this and I don't know the full story. I saw that he's got two 1st degree misdemeanors- one is domestic violence the other is assault, plus that intox from last time. and he JUST got his probation cut short for good behavior literally a few months ago (should have been another year long).

I am having such a hard time trusting myself to be objective. I don't know if I should just stick with the contract, letting him have my son for the 6 hrs unsupervised every week, or if I should drug test him, or if I should renegotiate the contract back to supervised visits or cut them off entirely in light of this information.

HardLessons

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm sure its terribly difficult.

Unfortunately I have a great deal of experience dealing with Heroine addicts. Its just such a mess.

It doesn't seem to me that your Ex A is fit to be with children alone under any circumstances. Its just my opinion. Take that for what its worth.

I'm sure you will get a lot of sound advice shortly from people on this board who seem to know what they are talking about.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Maudcat

Hi, solicitude. Your ex sounds like he has episodes of instability. No, these have not happened around your child.
But they could.
He also is being abusive to you.
You are not being too hard on him.
He is continuing the pattern that was part of your relationship.
It doesn't sound like much has changed. He had a period of stability but that appears to gone.
I would guess that he is using again, or drinking.
More will be revealed on that front.
In the meantime, protect your child, whatever it takes.

SmallButMighty

My advice is for you to trust your initial instinct.

Don't second guess what your gut tells you... not your head, not your heart.. your GUT.... ( I taught my children from toddling age to "trust their tummies")

You are a momma, nothing is stronger than a maternal instinct... you just have to be paying attention to it...and I think you are.

FWIW... I wouldn't leave my young child with the man you describe your ex to be. He isn't sober and he has anger/abuse issues.... all strong reasons to protect your child from him.

AnvilheadII

if you looked up your babysitter's court history and saw all this - what would you do?

if you found out the daycare provider had been hit with domestic abuse charges and all the other charges - what would you do?

this is your child we are talking about. his safety and well-being are paramount. the ex has a HISTORY of abuse towards others and NO ONE is safe.

solicitude

I agree, it's just weird trying so hard not to be hateful when hate is really all you have for somebody, so I never know if I'm being too hard or not. I did feel like I should cut off the unsupervised visits but that's really all I've wanted since they started.

I agree with you, Anvil, on the babysitter thing, but that's not how I've seen the real world work in regard to parents.. Honestly I think it's one of the reasons I still feel so much anger towards him now. I don't understand how you can ditch your kid for years and then come back and literally have a right to make demands to a kid that doesn't even know you. But that's how it works- even though I live in a rare state where unwed mothers have automatic sole custody, that parent still doesn't have the right to decide to just cut the other one out without some extreme reason. So, unlike a babysitter, I have to keep giving him chances, especially when he looks like hes trying to everyone else. Like a judge, who would assume I was just being a spiteful ex and ignore all of my concerns the moment he passed a drug test.

Because of this, I did what was the least I possibly felt I had to, so that: 1. I wouldn't get taken to court where they tend to err on the side of liberal visitation for recovering (or what looks like recovering) addicts and 2. So that he had a chance to prove he was trying in case he really was and 3. So that if it did end up in court, I could show that I was working with him and not look like the bad guy, having everything go his way, putting my kid in further danger where it would be even harder to get visits cut off. And for all this time on paper he has looked really good. Meaning, it would be very difficult to prove anything other than that he was doing really well. I felt like I had to go along with it, even against my gut, because I was the only one who saw through his crap. But then again, like I said, I also felt like I was being a B word a bit, too, at times and wasn't sure. I don't know. I guess I am afraid to cut off visits or to anger him, because I am very afraid he will take me to court and get full on overnight weekends or something like that. I would just die if I had to trust my kid in his care like that.

So now he moved in with his brother and brother's gf who are ALL RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICTS WITH UNDER A YEAR SOBRIETY. Im gonna fall over and die now...... brb.

Ann

I think that, in trying to be fair, you are far too accepting that "it's not that bad" with him and I have a feeling you are underestimating the courts. His new charges are documented and not just rumours, he has proven that he is out of control with his anger and addiction.

No child should ever be left alone in the care of an irresponsible adult who is known for intoxication, whether they are intoxicated at the time they pick up the child or not. Period.

You must be the voice of your child. How you are perceived doesn't matter. You can be angry, it's okay.

Please protect your child, that's really all that matters here.

Hugs

solicitude

I would agree with that if a judges perception of me couldn't cause bad outcomes for me and my son. My boyfriend says that he thinks I am just reading those rare horror stories online, but it's the feel I get from reading almost all legal resources. Especially my town is really soft on this stuff when it comes to parental rights and kids. I feel like if I accused him of being back on heroin and they took a test and he wasn't, the judge would rail on me, see me as the bad guy, and not trust my judgment on my decisions. I guess my biggest issue in this is that during his periods of stability, Im the only one around that doesn't jump into trusting him- he functions well and looks good on paper, then I look like I'm just being petty. My concerns seem to go ignored. I even had a Guardian ad Litem from my state tell me that "I spread my legs for him and should have known better" and that "I probably didnt believe in abortion" as if all that meant my kid had to suffer because of ME. Well I partially know that, have felt guilt and come to terms with it- but how is that relevant to whether he is safe or not with his drug addict father? How does that cancel out all my valid concerns? I guess I get really afraid of the uncertainty that comes with visitation/custody court and I'm afraid any move I make could blow up in my face in a courtroom.