Should I even do this?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Should I even do this?
Hi, I would like advice on whether or not I should buy a breathalyzer to see if my wife has been drinking. Today I came home from work and she was out back stumbling around, speech slurring, being aggressive. I was sure that she was drunk, but she told be that she took topamax and it was making her act like that. I smelled her breathe and thought it was alcohol but couldn't be sure. Should I buy a breathalyzer to be sure, or would this be more discouraging to her?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It isn't a matter of whether it's "discouraging to her"--you are NOT the booze police and it isn't your job to determine whether she's drinking. But, in answer to the implied question, if she looks drunk, acts drunk, and smells drunk, she's probably drunk. And who cares whether it's booze or some other med (I've never heard of that drug's making someone act drunk). The fact is, she's stumbling, slurring and aggressive. What are you doing for YOU? I'm assuming you're not going to Al-Anon yet, but I think it would be EXTREMELY helpful for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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well that breathalyzer won't help you right NOW......i presume this is not the first time you have seen her staggering and slurring. unless she developed a brain tumor this morning, i think you KNOW what is going on. you do not need any more proof than what your eyes SEE.
know what you know, see what you see.
know what you know, see what you see.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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No, I have not done any Al-Anon meetings or anything for me yet. I am still just wondering if my marriage is going to survive. We are going to marriage counseling on Friday, well I have no idea wtf is going to happen in there. Right now my life is crazy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Well, Al-Anon will help make YOUR life less crazy. Look, if your wife is an alcoholic, marriage counseling is a huge waste of time. She literally is not in her right mind, even when she isn't drunk at the moment.
Your energy and time would be far better spent on getting your own head on straight. There is nothing YOU can do to make her get sober. I'm assuming you've had conversations about her drinking. Has she ever said anything to suggest she wants to get sober?
Living with an alcoholic makes anyone a little bit crazy. Time to turn down the noise in your own head first, so you can make rational decisions about what you want for the future. Do you have children?
Your energy and time would be far better spent on getting your own head on straight. There is nothing YOU can do to make her get sober. I'm assuming you've had conversations about her drinking. Has she ever said anything to suggest she wants to get sober?
Living with an alcoholic makes anyone a little bit crazy. Time to turn down the noise in your own head first, so you can make rational decisions about what you want for the future. Do you have children?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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the counseling is with her therapist, who she is seeing each week. She is supposed to have experience with addictions. My wife has been binge drinking daily and dishing out a ton of abuse on me. She has admitted to having a alcohol abuse problem and wanted to address it her way. I am not seeing any progress, but to be fair she just started. I do have kids, but they are off at college.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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OK, well, that's good that at least you don't have young kids being exposed to this chaos. If the therapist really knows about addictions, the focus will be on her alcoholism, not your marriage. If I were you, though, I'd be getting involved in Al-Anon--it's far more likely to help you than counseling with her addiction therapist. Her therapist's primary concern will be the well-being of her primary patient. You need your OWN recovery--your own therapist and/or Al-Anon.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Welcome to the forum Brian
I am a double winner and I was very educated about alcoholism when I was living with my XABF being in recovery myself. Education and knowledge about alcoholism did not make me any less "crazy" and tense. The same way that there are some folks on the other side of SR who know a lot about alcoholism but keep relapsing. Knowledge is good, action and self care even better.
While it is good that she has an addiction counselor and you are going with her that one time, you also need to practice self care and start putting your personal well being first.
Al Anon really did help me back then. There are many things you can do for self care (Al Anon being one alternative). Some members journal, others see a therapist. Some meditate and some just participate on SR.
You already know that she is drinking. I personally don't think that you should buy a breathalizer. She is an adult and if you cannot have respect and trust in your relationship then what are you left with?
Anyway, I know from experience that living with an abusive drunk can be truly overwhelming. Just know that you are not alone anymore and that we are here to support you.
I am a double winner and I was very educated about alcoholism when I was living with my XABF being in recovery myself. Education and knowledge about alcoholism did not make me any less "crazy" and tense. The same way that there are some folks on the other side of SR who know a lot about alcoholism but keep relapsing. Knowledge is good, action and self care even better.
While it is good that she has an addiction counselor and you are going with her that one time, you also need to practice self care and start putting your personal well being first.
Al Anon really did help me back then. There are many things you can do for self care (Al Anon being one alternative). Some members journal, others see a therapist. Some meditate and some just participate on SR.
You already know that she is drinking. I personally don't think that you should buy a breathalizer. She is an adult and if you cannot have respect and trust in your relationship then what are you left with?
Anyway, I know from experience that living with an abusive drunk can be truly overwhelming. Just know that you are not alone anymore and that we are here to support you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Hi Brian, ok you're certain she's drinking and you know the signs. It's infuriating if an obviously drunk person denies they're drinking, but that's what they do. You don't need to 'prove' it to anyone.
You're wondering if a breathalyser would 'discourage' her but she's not in recovery in any sense. Real recovery looks a lot different from what you're seeing.
So counselling about your marriage is skirting around the real issue of her drinking. Have a think about where you want to be in a year or five years. If it doesn't include living with an aggressive drunk, you have some decisions to make.
I second the suggestion that you give Al-anon a try, and spend some time reading and educating yourself. It can only make you stronger.
You're wondering if a breathalyser would 'discourage' her but she's not in recovery in any sense. Real recovery looks a lot different from what you're seeing.
So counselling about your marriage is skirting around the real issue of her drinking. Have a think about where you want to be in a year or five years. If it doesn't include living with an aggressive drunk, you have some decisions to make.
I second the suggestion that you give Al-anon a try, and spend some time reading and educating yourself. It can only make you stronger.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Thanks everyone for the wise and excellent advice. Many friends and family have also recommended that I get therapy because of the abuse, but over time I have accepted that I am in a dysfunctional relationship and that it is very toxic. For me the old relationship is over. I was only waiting until our last kid was off to college before I made any decisions on leaving. I do feel obligated to make sure that I at least offered any professional/medical help that she wants and offer encouragement to her seeking recovery.
I was really more interested on where you guys draw the line. I am hearing that I should not be the alcohol police and I understand that, but then I also feel that I should not allow a drunk person to drive. Its not my job to tell her what to do, but I don't want her to injure anybody. If I call the police on her, I have to pay all the legal fees/fines, not her(she doesn't work)
I was really more interested on where you guys draw the line. I am hearing that I should not be the alcohol police and I understand that, but then I also feel that I should not allow a drunk person to drive. Its not my job to tell her what to do, but I don't want her to injure anybody. If I call the police on her, I have to pay all the legal fees/fines, not her(she doesn't work)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
So if she's staggering and slurring but you can't confirm she's drinking, you WOULD let her drive? If she's obviously impaired, for whatever reason (even staying up all night), she has no business driving and putting other people at risk. As for the legal fees, etc., if you call the police on her, if she's impaired she's likely to get stopped anyway and/or cause a serious accident. If you think the fees/costs of a DUI are high, think about what they would be if she kills someone.
You should never physically stop her from driving (exposes you to potential charges), but you could hide the keys when she's not fit to drive. If she manages to do it anyway and you know she's impaired, I'd make the call, personally.
Have you consulted a lawyer? Might be a good idea just so you know what your rights/obligations might be if you do decide to go that route. Knowledge is power. There might be options like legal separation you could consider, which would provide you with some peace/space, provide her space and the opportunity to see how serious this is and what she will do about it, and continue her insurance coverage (if she's covered under your insurance) if she chooses to get help.
And hangn is right--do NOT make any ultimatums until you are fully ready to follow through--meaningless threats are, well, meaningless.
You should never physically stop her from driving (exposes you to potential charges), but you could hide the keys when she's not fit to drive. If she manages to do it anyway and you know she's impaired, I'd make the call, personally.
Have you consulted a lawyer? Might be a good idea just so you know what your rights/obligations might be if you do decide to go that route. Knowledge is power. There might be options like legal separation you could consider, which would provide you with some peace/space, provide her space and the opportunity to see how serious this is and what she will do about it, and continue her insurance coverage (if she's covered under your insurance) if she chooses to get help.
And hangn is right--do NOT make any ultimatums until you are fully ready to follow through--meaningless threats are, well, meaningless.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Brian. Welcome.
I sounds as though you are just about done. I agree with other posters that counselling or AL-Anon may help clarify your thinking.
You're right. She should not drive when she is impaired.
You could have equipment installed that will not enable her to drive while drunk.
Policing her behavior will give you nothing but pain, but keeping her out of the car when she is drunk is different.
If she hurts or, God forbid, kills someone, your life as you know it will be over.
My sib used to drive drunk. I could not, for the life of me, convey how dangerous this was to him or to my mother, whose car it was.
He never hurt anyone, thank goodness. Just lucky. i guess.
Peace.
I sounds as though you are just about done. I agree with other posters that counselling or AL-Anon may help clarify your thinking.
You're right. She should not drive when she is impaired.
You could have equipment installed that will not enable her to drive while drunk.
Policing her behavior will give you nothing but pain, but keeping her out of the car when she is drunk is different.
If she hurts or, God forbid, kills someone, your life as you know it will be over.
My sib used to drive drunk. I could not, for the life of me, convey how dangerous this was to him or to my mother, whose car it was.
He never hurt anyone, thank goodness. Just lucky. i guess.
Peace.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I found the police to be very helpful in my community. If you talk to an attorney, anything they may offer to help with will take days or weeks. The police offered me prompt, productive real time help.
And P.S.
I have no problem with your idea of breathalyzers etc to help deter. Not sure how likely you can do it without problems. Ironically some posters here would consider that as being too controlling and none of your rights.
Differing opinions will exist in all walks of life. You have to do what gives YOU some sense of personal comfort.
And P.S.
I have no problem with your idea of breathalyzers etc to help deter. Not sure how likely you can do it without problems. Ironically some posters here would consider that as being too controlling and none of your rights.
Differing opinions will exist in all walks of life. You have to do what gives YOU some sense of personal comfort.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread 
I found the police to be very helpful in my community. If you talk to an attorney, anything they may offer to help with will take days or weeks. The police offered me prompt, productive real time help.
The police can make an arrest if she's DUI or abusing you (and what's "arrestable" is going to vary from one jurisdiction to another). I'm not sure what kind of abuse she engages in, but in some jurisdictions acts that qualify as harassment can be the basis for a DV protective order. If you call your local women's shelter, they can explain what is necessary to obtain an order and whether you qualify. They provide services to anyone experiencing abuse. An order, which can be obtained on very short notice (sometimes immediately) would require her to leave and to have no contact with you. You might not feel it's necessary at this point, but it doesn't hurt to find out. As I always say, knowledge is power. Until you know your rights you can't exercise them.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Example:. It's Saturday. She's drunk and abusive. Go to police Dept. They will likely pay a visit to the home and either diffuse the situation or make an arrest. They can and will advise you of your rights and help you find resources in your community. However just them showing up may be all the deterrent she will need.
Then Monday you can search for an attorney, however many hours/days that takes. Make an appt for some time in the future, pay your retainer, hope they get something to the courts within a week, then hope the dockets will hear it within the month.
Meanwhile she can hire opposing counsel and the checkbooks will drain for however long it takes.
Both of these are paths to bring about change. Both are valid.
Nice to know as many options as possible.
I have been through both these scenarios first hand.
Then Monday you can search for an attorney, however many hours/days that takes. Make an appt for some time in the future, pay your retainer, hope they get something to the courts within a week, then hope the dockets will hear it within the month.
Meanwhile she can hire opposing counsel and the checkbooks will drain for however long it takes.
Both of these are paths to bring about change. Both are valid.
Nice to know as many options as possible.
I have been through both these scenarios first hand.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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yeah, abuse is a strange thing for me to accept. She definitely tries to verbally abuse me (yelling and cussing at me), but I mostly ignore it and it has no adverse affect on me or my wellbeing. I look at it with no emotions and more from a clinical perspective. She also tries to physically abuse me (spitting in my face and hitting) but again, I am not really threatened by her hits, because they don't hurt. She really only resorted to physical violence when she drinks herself into psychosis, which thankfully she has not done in about a month.
and then there is financial abuse, taking thousands of $ out of my account and gambling it or getting a credit card and maxing it out on gambling. I have removed all her access to this form of $, but I still have to go and see wtf she is doing behind my back (like a detective) she has done this for so long, and I never even noticed. It's really quit embarrassing for me because I feel like I have been oblivious to what was going on. All the impulsive behavior is really exasperated by alcohol consumption. For a while I was thinking that she was allergic to alcohol because she was acting so crazy even when she drank a small about. Of course I wasn't seeing all that she was actually drinking because when I turned my back for 2 seconds, she was binge slamming down as much as she could.
and then there is financial abuse, taking thousands of $ out of my account and gambling it or getting a credit card and maxing it out on gambling. I have removed all her access to this form of $, but I still have to go and see wtf she is doing behind my back (like a detective) she has done this for so long, and I never even noticed. It's really quit embarrassing for me because I feel like I have been oblivious to what was going on. All the impulsive behavior is really exasperated by alcohol consumption. For a while I was thinking that she was allergic to alcohol because she was acting so crazy even when she drank a small about. Of course I wasn't seeing all that she was actually drinking because when I turned my back for 2 seconds, she was binge slamming down as much as she could.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by BrianTX2000
yeah, abuse is a strange thing for me to accept. She definitely tries to verbally abuse me (yelling and cussing at me), but I mostly ignore it and it has no adverse affect on me or my wellbeing. I look at it with no emotions and more from a clinical perspective. She also tries to physically abuse me (spitting in my face and hitting) but again, I am not really threatened by her hits, because they don't hurt. She really only resorted to physical violence when she drinks herself into psychosis, which thankfully she has not done in about a month.
and then there is financial abuse, taking thousands of $ out of my account and gambling it or getting a credit card and maxing it out on gambling. I have removed all her access to this form of $, but I still have to go and see wtf she is doing behind my back (like a detective) she has done this for so long, and I never even noticed. It's really quit embarrassing for me because I feel like I have been oblivious to what was going on. All the impulsive behavior is really exasperated by alcohol consumption. For a while I was thinking that she was allergic to alcohol because she was acting so crazy even when she drank a small about. Of course I wasn't seeing all that she was actually drinking because when I turned my back for 2 seconds, she was binge slamming down as much as she could.
and then there is financial abuse, taking thousands of $ out of my account and gambling it or getting a credit card and maxing it out on gambling. I have removed all her access to this form of $, but I still have to go and see wtf she is doing behind my back (like a detective) she has done this for so long, and I never even noticed. It's really quit embarrassing for me because I feel like I have been oblivious to what was going on. All the impulsive behavior is really exasperated by alcohol consumption. For a while I was thinking that she was allergic to alcohol because she was acting so crazy even when she drank a small about. Of course I wasn't seeing all that she was actually drinking because when I turned my back for 2 seconds, she was binge slamming down as much as she could.
I'm right there with you brother. It is exhausting trying to figure out how to stay a step ahead of it.
Don't worry about "being too controlling" in your actions. Your health financial and otherwise, are at stake. My XAGF managed to suck about 15K out of me for her various alcohol related dramas.
And that was with no attorneys being brought into the process.
That would have at least doubled it.
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