Some things are getting easier
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Some things are getting easier
So first, on the job front, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new job. Seriously, I am so very glad I made the switch.
AXH took our DS to our hometown (500 miles away, where his family still lives but mine does not) for a few days last weekend. His new GF and her son came along, as well. Guys, I was so worried about how my anxiety levels would be with DS so far away. I was dismayed to hear that AXH left DS and his GF's DS alone with AXH's dad for an hour so (something we had long ago agreed to NEVER do, given his father's history of physical abuse when AXH and his sisters were growing up), but the circumstances surrounding it are not exceedingly troubling, and AXH's father has most certainly mellowed over the last 25 years. At one point I asked AXH if his girlfriend knows anything about his dad's history, because I cannot IMAGINE someone being willing to leave a young child with a man with that history. AXH insists she knows, so whatever. I spoke my peace (we agreed to NEVER do that, and this makes me uncomfortable), and I've mostly moved on from it in my head at this point. He was, as usual, dismissive of my feelings and opinions, and I got upset for a moment and made a comment about how this is hard for me. Naturally, he interpreted that to mean that it is hard for me that he has a girlfriend and has taken her to meet his family. All I wanted was to be OFF the phone, so I ended the call, thinking to myself "no, this is hard for me because you are starting your cycle all over again with some new woman AND her son, and I know what awaits them both." Some codie behaviors die hard, my friends...
Anyway, DS had a fabulous time and even got to go for a short, SLOW ride on the back of his grandpa's Harley (something I knew about ahead of time and gave my OK for. Grandpa may have been an abusive jerk of a father and husband, but the man knows how to RIDE, and it's the one thing I absolutely trust him with. We agreed that DS would of course have a helmet on at all times, and that they would not leave the neighborhood or go over 25 MPH.)
On the whole, now that the divorce is final (something that had been weighing me down emotionally much more than I realized), things are MUCH easier. I do not feel the need to keep the peace for the sake of getting the divorce done. I am able to honor my general apathy about everything and do stuff like ignore calls I don't want to take.
I'm no dummy. He's still drinking. His new GF is a drinker. There is absolutely no reason at all to think he will get anything but worse. But for now, I'm comfortable with where I'm at on my side of the street, and I'm comfortable with the level of attention I'm paying to his side of the street for the sake of DS's safety.
AXH took our DS to our hometown (500 miles away, where his family still lives but mine does not) for a few days last weekend. His new GF and her son came along, as well. Guys, I was so worried about how my anxiety levels would be with DS so far away. I was dismayed to hear that AXH left DS and his GF's DS alone with AXH's dad for an hour so (something we had long ago agreed to NEVER do, given his father's history of physical abuse when AXH and his sisters were growing up), but the circumstances surrounding it are not exceedingly troubling, and AXH's father has most certainly mellowed over the last 25 years. At one point I asked AXH if his girlfriend knows anything about his dad's history, because I cannot IMAGINE someone being willing to leave a young child with a man with that history. AXH insists she knows, so whatever. I spoke my peace (we agreed to NEVER do that, and this makes me uncomfortable), and I've mostly moved on from it in my head at this point. He was, as usual, dismissive of my feelings and opinions, and I got upset for a moment and made a comment about how this is hard for me. Naturally, he interpreted that to mean that it is hard for me that he has a girlfriend and has taken her to meet his family. All I wanted was to be OFF the phone, so I ended the call, thinking to myself "no, this is hard for me because you are starting your cycle all over again with some new woman AND her son, and I know what awaits them both." Some codie behaviors die hard, my friends...
Anyway, DS had a fabulous time and even got to go for a short, SLOW ride on the back of his grandpa's Harley (something I knew about ahead of time and gave my OK for. Grandpa may have been an abusive jerk of a father and husband, but the man knows how to RIDE, and it's the one thing I absolutely trust him with. We agreed that DS would of course have a helmet on at all times, and that they would not leave the neighborhood or go over 25 MPH.)
On the whole, now that the divorce is final (something that had been weighing me down emotionally much more than I realized), things are MUCH easier. I do not feel the need to keep the peace for the sake of getting the divorce done. I am able to honor my general apathy about everything and do stuff like ignore calls I don't want to take.
I'm no dummy. He's still drinking. His new GF is a drinker. There is absolutely no reason at all to think he will get anything but worse. But for now, I'm comfortable with where I'm at on my side of the street, and I'm comfortable with the level of attention I'm paying to his side of the street for the sake of DS's safety.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I can't imagine trying to co-parent with any of my exes, let alone the addicted ones. Sending you peace and strength and a big ole pat on the back for your recognition of the codie head rearing!
And a big high-five to your DS for hoping on the back of the Harley - my dad used to pick me up from kindergarten on the back of his old Honda motorcycle (we lived 5 blocks from the school so mom allowed it.) All the kids were in awe and would say - WHOA! Is that your dad?! <3 Best memories ever, there!
And a big high-five to your DS for hoping on the back of the Harley - my dad used to pick me up from kindergarten on the back of his old Honda motorcycle (we lived 5 blocks from the school so mom allowed it.) All the kids were in awe and would say - WHOA! Is that your dad?! <3 Best memories ever, there!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds to me like you handled it just fine. And even abusive parents sometimes don't feel the same need to discipline a grandchild that they did their own kids, so I suspect that for short visits, especially, he will be safe. Glad your son had so much fun.
And also super-glad to hear the job is working out so well for you--that's awesome!
And also super-glad to hear the job is working out so well for you--that's awesome!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
hp, my Facebook newsfeed was PACKED with photos from people in the area. Because we live a few miles south of downtown, that round of storms wasn't so bad for us. But we got SLAMMED overnight. The garden is happy to have the rain, though!
Interesting tidbit--since my new job is with the Transit agency, I received the blanket message that is sent to all Transit employees, looking for volunteers to work their hours at a Summerfest park-and-ride lot. I was almost relieved to really be too new to do it, because I have zero desire to swipe drunk peoples' credit cards all day as they buy bus tickets...I need more recovery time before I will be anything less than horribly uncomfortable around drunk people.
Interesting tidbit--since my new job is with the Transit agency, I received the blanket message that is sent to all Transit employees, looking for volunteers to work their hours at a Summerfest park-and-ride lot. I was almost relieved to really be too new to do it, because I have zero desire to swipe drunk peoples' credit cards all day as they buy bus tickets...I need more recovery time before I will be anything less than horribly uncomfortable around drunk people.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
This is all so wonderful to hear Wisconsin. It sounds like you are in a good place in every respect. I am currently slogging through the divorce process and this:
I just can't wait to get to this point. You have helped me remember there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you!
Originally Posted by Wisconsin 
On the whole, now that the divorce is final (something that had been weighing me down emotionally much more than I realized), things are MUCH easier. I do not feel the need to keep the peace for the sake of getting the divorce done.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Westexy, you WILL get there! Our delay was not attributable to a lot of divorce drama. We honestly agreed on every detail of the divorce. But I couldn't afford a lawyer, and when I originally filed on my own in November of '15, AXH was not outright obstructionist, but always had an excuse for why he couldn't get certain things together. And, I was still engaging in some codie behavior with him (not wanting to upset him when his dog died, etc.). But once he got a girlfriend at the end of last year, he was very willing to refile with me jointly in January. As soon as the 4 month waiting period was up, we submitted our final paperwork and got our court date. No muss, no fuss.
I hope the process finishes quickly for you, and as painlessly as possible.
I hope the process finishes quickly for you, and as painlessly as possible.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Well...on the one hand, I feel very fortunate. AXH's girlfriend seems very nice. She's a lot younger, and not the sharpest knife in the drawer (which I'm sure is part of the reason AXH likes her so much). My understanding is that she absolutely caters to his every emotional tantrum. At this point, at least, I'm sure she has not been the TARGET of one of those tantrums, and so she surely feels a lot of power over being the "person who can calm him down." Sooner or later, she will learn the hard way that a boyfriend who will sit around and rant about all the b*tches and c**ts who make his life so hard...that boyfriend will eventually call HER those names. It's only a matter of time. She's a drinker, too, so maybe she will have an easier time of it, or maybe it will take longer for things to deteriorate. But I know what lies ahead for her, and sadly, for her son. I do not wish it on ANYONE.
She treats DS well, and he likes her, which is what really matters to me. I have no idea if her relationship with alcohol is as dysfunctional as AXH's, but we all know HE will just continue to get worse over the years. They are all relatively functional together at this point, but I've been around this block enough to know that the overall trend will be downward, regardless of how nice this young woman is. I also know many, many here whose exes have turned to truly horrible people. So, while I'm glad he met someone who seems nice (and who treats DS well), and that their relationship was the motivating factor he needed to get his butt in gear on the divorce, there is a big part of me that feels very, very badly for her and especially for her son.
Side note: I made a comment to him on the phone the other day when he was out of town that "this" was hard for me. (The "this" being that he was 600 miles away with DS and his new girlfriend and his new girlfriend's son.) He, of course, interpreted that to mean that I miss him and regretted leaving or something. All I wanted to do was get off the phone, and I certainly don't owe it to ANYBODY to clarify what I mean: that "this" was hard for me, because I know the chaos and abuse that awaits these two people, who right now see a knight in shining armor who comes in and "takes care" of them, and "spoils" them. She's a full grown adult. Hopefully when the tides turn, she will be smart enough to kick him to the curb a lot sooner than I did. But that little boy of hers...it makes me physically sick to think of the things he will see, sooner or later.
She treats DS well, and he likes her, which is what really matters to me. I have no idea if her relationship with alcohol is as dysfunctional as AXH's, but we all know HE will just continue to get worse over the years. They are all relatively functional together at this point, but I've been around this block enough to know that the overall trend will be downward, regardless of how nice this young woman is. I also know many, many here whose exes have turned to truly horrible people. So, while I'm glad he met someone who seems nice (and who treats DS well), and that their relationship was the motivating factor he needed to get his butt in gear on the divorce, there is a big part of me that feels very, very badly for her and especially for her son.
Side note: I made a comment to him on the phone the other day when he was out of town that "this" was hard for me. (The "this" being that he was 600 miles away with DS and his new girlfriend and his new girlfriend's son.) He, of course, interpreted that to mean that I miss him and regretted leaving or something. All I wanted to do was get off the phone, and I certainly don't owe it to ANYBODY to clarify what I mean: that "this" was hard for me, because I know the chaos and abuse that awaits these two people, who right now see a knight in shining armor who comes in and "takes care" of them, and "spoils" them. She's a full grown adult. Hopefully when the tides turn, she will be smart enough to kick him to the curb a lot sooner than I did. But that little boy of hers...it makes me physically sick to think of the things he will see, sooner or later.
Originally Posted by Westexy
So your advice would be to find STBXAH a girlfriend then?
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