Here I go doing and saying the wrong things
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 65
Here I go doing and saying the wrong things
Trying to be kind to myself right now.
Blocked ex in May
Unblocked ex on Saturday
Saw and slept with ex on Saturday - selfish me with a few drinks in her.
Didn't talk about relationship. Just updates about our lives. Things are same with him- no real recovery happening, just the same old "moderating" and not drinking now. He had a horrible panic attack and severe hand spasms from hyperventilation so he is terrified of that happening again, but didn't say he was quitting. Again just words- going in the ear out the other. I still feel the same about everything.
Left communication open bc I felt like he was being mature and he was going to respect that talking all the time doesn't help us move on.
Calls me today, we talk like friends.
Somehow the conversation moves towards our relationship and I am hearing: "...right now I know this relationship can't work, but maybe in the future it could."
Then I say "neither of us knows what the future holds" which is technically true----then a wave of anxiety just hits me and I feel like I basically just told him there is a chance. Ideally I'd like him to get his **** together for a year and maybe we can reconnect, but my brain is telling me that this will very likely not happen given him and our past, but who am I to think so negatively. Maybe he can- this is how I tend to think with a mother in recovery. I'm wondering what I should do or say at this point having said that- i'm clearly not great with communicating. I feel like I just opened the gates again.
Not proud of any of this by any means, but I pride myself in being open, honest and vulnerable. So there you go.
Blocked ex in May
Unblocked ex on Saturday
Saw and slept with ex on Saturday - selfish me with a few drinks in her.
Didn't talk about relationship. Just updates about our lives. Things are same with him- no real recovery happening, just the same old "moderating" and not drinking now. He had a horrible panic attack and severe hand spasms from hyperventilation so he is terrified of that happening again, but didn't say he was quitting. Again just words- going in the ear out the other. I still feel the same about everything.
Left communication open bc I felt like he was being mature and he was going to respect that talking all the time doesn't help us move on.
Calls me today, we talk like friends.
Somehow the conversation moves towards our relationship and I am hearing: "...right now I know this relationship can't work, but maybe in the future it could."
Then I say "neither of us knows what the future holds" which is technically true----then a wave of anxiety just hits me and I feel like I basically just told him there is a chance. Ideally I'd like him to get his **** together for a year and maybe we can reconnect, but my brain is telling me that this will very likely not happen given him and our past, but who am I to think so negatively. Maybe he can- this is how I tend to think with a mother in recovery. I'm wondering what I should do or say at this point having said that- i'm clearly not great with communicating. I feel like I just opened the gates again.
Not proud of any of this by any means, but I pride myself in being open, honest and vulnerable. So there you go.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Getting out of orbit with a beloved alcoholic is by far the most challenging relationship dilemma I've ever had, so no judgement from me. I completely understand the need to go back to the well and test the water to see if anything's changed. So you did. And you discovered this:
Now you know.
Originally Posted by Mpie9 
I still feel the same about everything.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with Maud. More will be revealed. I think you're setting yourself up for more misery, personally. I had breakup sex with the last guy I lived with, a few months after we broke up. It lasted a few weeks and then I was reminded, in a few ways, of why getting back together was just asking for trouble.
I ended it for good then.
Here's the thing--COULD he recover? Sure. Is it likely, within the foreseeable future? Doesn't seem like it. Bottom line, though, is that it's your life. If you want to keep treading water, it's your water to tread.
I ended it for good then.
Here's the thing--COULD he recover? Sure. Is it likely, within the foreseeable future? Doesn't seem like it. Bottom line, though, is that it's your life. If you want to keep treading water, it's your water to tread.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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i don't think you unblocked him and slept with him with RECOVERY in mind. since drinking has been such an issue, it is "interesting" that after a few drinks, YOU drunk dialed HIM.
maybe you really aren't ready to be done. that's ok.....but you have to make a decision. one way or the other. and then act according to that choice.
maybe you really aren't ready to be done. that's ok.....but you have to make a decision. one way or the other. and then act according to that choice.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
This sounds like "one day at a time" territory - the future is unwritten, but right now for this day, he isn't relationship material.
As for the sex part - ouch. It's hard to break things off cleanly when you're sharing that part of yourself with another person. Is there anything you could do to remind yourself not to go there again? (things that might cue your memory, visual reminders, etc)
I've done at least one regrettable sex thing in my otherwise boring life, so no judgment there.
As for the sex part - ouch. It's hard to break things off cleanly when you're sharing that part of yourself with another person. Is there anything you could do to remind yourself not to go there again? (things that might cue your memory, visual reminders, etc)
I've done at least one regrettable sex thing in my otherwise boring life, so no judgment there.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
And lets not forget that alcohol helps to remove emotional stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems................NOT!!
Sounds like you had a planned relapse, first you unblock him then you end up in bed with him and now you are facing the exact same thing that made you leave and block him in the first place...............his drinking, which he told you he still plans to do (in moderation - said no alcoholic in true recovery) .
This place, this situation with him is familiar to you, you know exactly what to expect and are prepared for.
Sounds like you had a planned relapse, first you unblock him then you end up in bed with him and now you are facing the exact same thing that made you leave and block him in the first place...............his drinking, which he told you he still plans to do (in moderation - said no alcoholic in true recovery) .
This place, this situation with him is familiar to you, you know exactly what to expect and are prepared for.
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Mpie.....you proud yourself on being "vulnerable"......Weell....that might be a virtue, in stable relationships, when you know the other person really, really well....but, it can be a recipe for personal disaster, if you are not very selective....
Trust is the key word, here.....
Alcoholics or addicts, not in recovery can't even trust themselves....(and they usually don't even "know" this, due to their own denial).....So, it stands to reason that they are not safe with the emotions of others...
Even if another person does play roulette with our emotions and blows a hole in us...we have to TRUST that we can and will face the consequences.....
In ,y opinion, we can never get away from the fact that trust and respect are the foundations of every relationship...even ourselves....
One thing that I have learned, is, that women (in general) equate attention with love...and, men equate sex with love....
To a man, sex implies....everything is o.k....all systems are "go"....
Trust is the key word, here.....
Alcoholics or addicts, not in recovery can't even trust themselves....(and they usually don't even "know" this, due to their own denial).....So, it stands to reason that they are not safe with the emotions of others...
Even if another person does play roulette with our emotions and blows a hole in us...we have to TRUST that we can and will face the consequences.....
In ,y opinion, we can never get away from the fact that trust and respect are the foundations of every relationship...even ourselves....
One thing that I have learned, is, that women (in general) equate attention with love...and, men equate sex with love....
To a man, sex implies....everything is o.k....all systems are "go"....
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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men equate sex with love...
or just sex! not a man bashing post, but often men don't really CARE what the partner thinks it's means or if they are "offering" some implied consent to the OK-ness of everything.......
they just wanna do the sex part. they can then be just STUNNED when Miss Friday Night is waiting in the parking lot on Tuesday with a bag of groceries and her toothbrush........
or just sex! not a man bashing post, but often men don't really CARE what the partner thinks it's means or if they are "offering" some implied consent to the OK-ness of everything.......
they just wanna do the sex part. they can then be just STUNNED when Miss Friday Night is waiting in the parking lot on Tuesday with a bag of groceries and her toothbrush........
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I don't think you have to say or do anything.
You know he hasn't changed, your feelings haven't changed. You reached out to touch the burner to see if it is still hot...it is....
You can about face and walk away, resume the call block, and keep moving forward. Doing this right now is going to be a lot easier than it will be 1, 2 or 3 months from now after things slide right back to where they were before you left.
Been there...back on the wagon for you!
You know he hasn't changed, your feelings haven't changed. You reached out to touch the burner to see if it is still hot...it is....
You can about face and walk away, resume the call block, and keep moving forward. Doing this right now is going to be a lot easier than it will be 1, 2 or 3 months from now after things slide right back to where they were before you left.
Been there...back on the wagon for you!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 65
"You can about face and walk away, resume the call block, and keep moving forward. Doing this right now is going to be a lot easier than it will be 1, 2 or 3 months from now after things slide right back to where they were before you left."
Thank you. I feel bad for blocking him again. What a surprise (eye roll). He responded the second I unblock him to talk and then I just block him again when I see fit? It's like I owe him some kindness after that bc he didn't have to answer. I actually called him bc I had a huge fight with my best friend and then things just escalated w him when I saw him. I know I don't owe him anything. I just don't want to hurt him anymore or make this harder by contacting him and then completely cutting things off.
My reasoning was as long as he doesn't keep contacting me and respecting this break up for what it is, then I won't have to. I was going to see how it goes.........UGH idk.
I've had horrible depression all day today. I feel like I just set myself back so far. That's why I'm trying to be kind to myself.
Thank you. I feel bad for blocking him again. What a surprise (eye roll). He responded the second I unblock him to talk and then I just block him again when I see fit? It's like I owe him some kindness after that bc he didn't have to answer. I actually called him bc I had a huge fight with my best friend and then things just escalated w him when I saw him. I know I don't owe him anything. I just don't want to hurt him anymore or make this harder by contacting him and then completely cutting things off.
My reasoning was as long as he doesn't keep contacting me and respecting this break up for what it is, then I won't have to. I was going to see how it goes.........UGH idk.
I've had horrible depression all day today. I feel like I just set myself back so far. That's why I'm trying to be kind to myself.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yes, absolutely be kind to yourself!! You had a codie slip, it's not the end of the world, and you'll stop hurting both of you when you do what you know you need to do. Slips don't mean we have to start digging that awful hole to hell again - for them or for us, but today, it seems like you are the only one that doesn't want to go back there. Don't be so hard on yourself - it comes down to doing the next right thing - one day at a time. You know the drill! 
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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My therapist is on vacation and I really wish he wasn't right now...
I have been horribly depressed for two days now, sleeping 10+ hours, staring into the walls with NO motivation to do anything.
I find writing out my thoughts extremely helpful rather than trying to formalize a thought during an Al Anon meeting or on the phone, especially with the way I'm feeling right now.
I was feeling so good and then this happened and I know I tore down my boundaries this weekend and am feeling guilty for some reason. I have so many what ifs and anxieties running through my veins. I feel like I put the idea back into my head and his head about getting back together when that wasn't there before by saying "we don't know what the future holds" (is that crazy to say?!!!). I know this is about taking it day by day thing, but I feel like i just told him that there is a possibility, which I never wanted to do bc I don't want to set him up for getting hurt again (e.g. if I find someone else and he had this thought that we'd end up together- which is crazy). I feel the need to say something to him...or should I just see if he starts contacting me too much and then do/say something?
Why am I so scared of blocking? IDK I feel guilty about the weekend and don't want to act like a crazy ex when he's not even attempting to contact me. I felt at peace last time I did it, now not so much. Is leaving communication open really going to prevent me from moving on?...
I'm really distraught. I can't believe I am getting so worked up over this.
I have been horribly depressed for two days now, sleeping 10+ hours, staring into the walls with NO motivation to do anything.
I find writing out my thoughts extremely helpful rather than trying to formalize a thought during an Al Anon meeting or on the phone, especially with the way I'm feeling right now.
I was feeling so good and then this happened and I know I tore down my boundaries this weekend and am feeling guilty for some reason. I have so many what ifs and anxieties running through my veins. I feel like I put the idea back into my head and his head about getting back together when that wasn't there before by saying "we don't know what the future holds" (is that crazy to say?!!!). I know this is about taking it day by day thing, but I feel like i just told him that there is a possibility, which I never wanted to do bc I don't want to set him up for getting hurt again (e.g. if I find someone else and he had this thought that we'd end up together- which is crazy). I feel the need to say something to him...or should I just see if he starts contacting me too much and then do/say something?
Why am I so scared of blocking? IDK I feel guilty about the weekend and don't want to act like a crazy ex when he's not even attempting to contact me. I felt at peace last time I did it, now not so much. Is leaving communication open really going to prevent me from moving on?...
I'm really distraught. I can't believe I am getting so worked up over this.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Mpie9
Is leaving communication open really going to prevent me from moving on?
Was he hurt by the way I ultimately broke with him? I'm sure he was. We haven't talked, so I don't know, but I was pretty darn angry and determined in our last convo. I'd tried being loving so many times and there was nothing wrong with that other than it just didn't work to keep us apart. Even if you do "hurt" him, he will understand. And if he does not, then that's OK, too. We each have to deal with our own hurt and it's not your responsibility to save him from his.
I can tell you unequivocally that no-contact is going to feel a helluva lot better than what you're putting yourself through right now.
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Location: W Washington
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mgpie9 - you had sex with the guy, you didn't run over his cat and burn down his apartment!!
was it a WISE idea? NO.
are you clear on that now? YES.
then there's your lesson.
he isn't even contacting you. so you are making up all sorts of things to fuss over that just aren't REAL.
Is leaving communication open really going to prevent me from moving on?...
well let's see....
I have been horribly depressed for two days now, sleeping 10+ hours, staring into the walls with NO motivation to do anything.
there's your sign, as they say.............
was it a WISE idea? NO.
are you clear on that now? YES.
then there's your lesson.
he isn't even contacting you. so you are making up all sorts of things to fuss over that just aren't REAL.
Is leaving communication open really going to prevent me from moving on?...
well let's see....
I have been horribly depressed for two days now, sleeping 10+ hours, staring into the walls with NO motivation to do anything.
there's your sign, as they say.............
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
IDK I feel guilty about the weekend and don't want to act like a crazy ex when he's not even attempting to contact me.
He won't make you feel better because he can't. That's all up to you.
And you've said a few times that all this stress is over worrying that you'll hurt him again - but look what it's doing to YOU!
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*hugs*
I know it's hard and painful...but how about you let him worry about his feelings regarding what happened and/or doesn't happen again between the two of you?
His feeling = his business.
Your feelings = your business.
You have to do what is right and healthy for you, and only you can figure out what that is. Don't harness yourself feeling responsible for how he handles what happens in his life, that's his burden. He is a big boy, he made decisions, just like you did. Now he can face his consequences on his own, just like you are.
Your own feelings are overwhelming enough right now without burdening yourself with what you PERCEIVE to be his feeling too.
Hang in there!
I know it's hard and painful...but how about you let him worry about his feelings regarding what happened and/or doesn't happen again between the two of you?
His feeling = his business.
Your feelings = your business.
You have to do what is right and healthy for you, and only you can figure out what that is. Don't harness yourself feeling responsible for how he handles what happens in his life, that's his burden. He is a big boy, he made decisions, just like you did. Now he can face his consequences on his own, just like you are.
Your own feelings are overwhelming enough right now without burdening yourself with what you PERCEIVE to be his feeling too.
Hang in there!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 65
Thank you so much everyone with GIVING so much support. I'm tearing up right now. Really.
I blocked him again-- it's the right thing to do for myself and moving forward.
I cared way too much about how he would view me after this weekend (crazy and selfish for calling and coming over and then blocking him again, possibly leading him on-- who knows what he thinks etc.), but I have to take care of ME and not focus on what I perceive he could be thinking and feeling. It's exhausting! Hopefully he'll understand without me having to explain myself (I shouldn't have to bc he knows how I feel ultimately), and if he is mad, that's OK. I always felt the need to explain myself over and over so he would understand (in the relationship and after), but he doesn't have to and he probably won't because he isn't me and has no idea HOW he has affected me. That was a big ah-ha moment for me. People make mistakes and one could argue HE ALSO made a mistake by answering the phone and allowing me to come by. It's not always MY FAULT.
So many good points. Thanks again everyone. Hopefully this helps others who are going through similar circumstances.
xo
I blocked him again-- it's the right thing to do for myself and moving forward.
I cared way too much about how he would view me after this weekend (crazy and selfish for calling and coming over and then blocking him again, possibly leading him on-- who knows what he thinks etc.), but I have to take care of ME and not focus on what I perceive he could be thinking and feeling. It's exhausting! Hopefully he'll understand without me having to explain myself (I shouldn't have to bc he knows how I feel ultimately), and if he is mad, that's OK. I always felt the need to explain myself over and over so he would understand (in the relationship and after), but he doesn't have to and he probably won't because he isn't me and has no idea HOW he has affected me. That was a big ah-ha moment for me. People make mistakes and one could argue HE ALSO made a mistake by answering the phone and allowing me to come by. It's not always MY FAULT.
So many good points. Thanks again everyone. Hopefully this helps others who are going through similar circumstances.
xo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
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I am also happy to say I saw through some manipulation this week. It was VERY VERY subtle, and perhaps why I felt so crappy.
Essentially he said it was very difficult for him to see me and let me come over and I didn't take into account his feelings (not everything is about me), and for that, I should in the very least not get mad about him calling me once this week. I wasn't mad; I just didn't want that one call to turn into many more, which it probably would. Even if there were less calls or texts on average, it's still playing with fire. Even if its like twice a month. It legit scared me and I felt like I got sucked into the fire again because I am still hurting and processing. I essentially don't trust myself yet and am very much like an addict in recovery. It's scary to be sober for 2 months (blocking) and then buy a bottle and relapse (talk/see the person) and then have the bottle of Titos sitting in your house with access to it at all times (open communication). You gotta get rid of that bottle, don't just drink it because you drank already, it's there and you bought it. Rather than saying I ****** up, screw it, i'm going to get wasted (continue talking), throw it away and move forward.
Essentially he said it was very difficult for him to see me and let me come over and I didn't take into account his feelings (not everything is about me), and for that, I should in the very least not get mad about him calling me once this week. I wasn't mad; I just didn't want that one call to turn into many more, which it probably would. Even if there were less calls or texts on average, it's still playing with fire. Even if its like twice a month. It legit scared me and I felt like I got sucked into the fire again because I am still hurting and processing. I essentially don't trust myself yet and am very much like an addict in recovery. It's scary to be sober for 2 months (blocking) and then buy a bottle and relapse (talk/see the person) and then have the bottle of Titos sitting in your house with access to it at all times (open communication). You gotta get rid of that bottle, don't just drink it because you drank already, it's there and you bought it. Rather than saying I ****** up, screw it, i'm going to get wasted (continue talking), throw it away and move forward.
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