NoahJ

Hi all. I'm looking for some specific, practical advice on recovery with a brand new baby.

I'm married with a 3 year old. Baby #2 is due in 3 weeks. I am 84 days sober, but recovery still seems fragile at this point.

My fears are multiple. Primarily the added stress leading to a relapse. Secondarily, white knuckling instead of moving forward in recovery. I have 2 weeks paternity leave, then 2 weeks part time before going back to work full time.

Any parents out there go through something like this? I'm not looking for a magic solution, but am interested in how you balance the stress of a new baby with existing children, WHILE integrating recovery. What works/didn't?

ScottFromWI

Stress is a regular and unavoidable part of life, so while having a new baby is certainly a concern I'd suggest that your secondary concern is probably the most troubling. Do you have any sort of plan right now for recovery? 84 days is great, but if you are truly just white-knuckling it, things will get very difficult moving forward, even putting aside the additional stressors.

NoahJ

Thanks Scott from WI,

My plan is AA 3-4x per week, therapist weekly, sober friendships, and family. That's what I've been doing. Keeping it up will be another matter.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like a great plan. I don't think keeping it up will be that big of a matter as long as you plan for it. Having a baby is certainly stressful, but it doesn't mean you can't still set time aside to take care of other important issues too.

Think about it this way - you know the baby is coming, and roughly when it will happen. You also already have a child so you have a good idea of what to expect. So you know what to plan for, and you have time to do it. How about actually putting together a schedule to follow? Sure, babies don't follow schedules ;-) But there's nothing stopping you from setting a goal to keep doing your meetings and therapy. Do you have a sponsor? Talk with them about it too. Also make sure you mention your concerns to your therapist - they can perhaps suggest a schedule that works better for you for your meetings as well.

Bottom line, if you choose to make your sobriety a priority, it will work.

tomsteve

do you have a sponsor? read the big book? workin the steps?

NoahJ

Yes, Yes, and Yes.

It's more about the mechanics. For example (and I'm totally making stuff up) did people take the baby to AA with them, or skip meetings? Find online meetings instead? Did they confide all their fears to the baby? Discover something new that helped (with a child in tow) that never would have occurred otherwise?

One of the reasons I haven't gone back out, is hearing all the stories from people in AA who went out (hint - none of them end well). I feel like I don't need to learn that on my own. If I can shortcut learning new parent tricks sober, I'd like that too.

BrendaChenowyth

Noah, you got this. You are aware there is a risk but you know what you need to do. Just agree to keep communication open between you and your wife, and don't bottle things up if you do feel overwhelmed.

PhoenixJ

Good responses to you. Support offered

tomsteve

ya know, the great thing about all this wired world- meaning having the net- its pretty easy to learn new tricks for takin care of youngens out on the www
you may even find some other women in AA that had to learn new things,too.
as for babies at meetings, ive been to quite a few meetings that are youngen/toddler friendly. you may want to ask at your local meetings what their view is. personally i love seeing people bringing their youngens- it shows a willingness to go to any lengths.
there are some good online meetings,too. i havent been to an online meeting in some time- so long i dont remember what site it was, but they were awesome meetings. it was quite amazing to hear recovery from around the world( kind of like here,cept in a meeting).

skipping meetings. welp, what ya type down below kind tells me ya know thats probably not a good idea.
however
meetings are great, especially in early recovery. but going to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism. working the steps does.

confiding fears to the baby- are you referring to 5th step type stuff or just talking to the baby about your fears?

you can also ask your sponsor iffen she knows any women who were young in recovery and expecting or had a chitlin that you might be able to talk to.

balance can be a bugger. i can still have days im balancing everything real good them BAM!! something comes up out of the blue.
but theres a solution!

Delizadee

I had to find meetings and any help that could be had with a child in tow.

Believe me, if you want it bad enough and look hard enough, you will find what you need to take the steps you need to take to stay on the path to recovery.

It's easy to make excuses or find reasons when we are afraid. That's ok- just push past them and reach out often.
You can absolutely do this! I know you can.

NoahJ

Thanks guys.

FWIW, I'm a dude. I just co-parent with my wife. I'm modern like that.

tomsteve

good on ya!!! i apologize for assuming you were female. i think ive seen a man bring their youngens once.

i hope more men can follow in your footsteps. youngens are awesome.

Delizadee

I understood you were male

One of my regular meetings I go to I have met another father who brings his son.
Depending on the area that you live in, and how many groups there are, and what different types of recovery groups that you can find, there may be more out there than you realize? Who knows. The more you find that can give you some more freedom of options and the ability to give your wife some breaks from child time, I think the healthier you will both feel.

I second online meetings are another great tool.

Being a single mom with a toddler I have relied a ton on SR.

thomas11

Support to you Noah. Do the right thing and be a good responsible parent by staying sober. All the memories created while they are growing up will be remembered. That is priceless.

applewakesup

That sounds like a great plan! Have you discussed it with mom? So long as she's on board, should be able to keep it going, right? I will say, though, that when you get home from the meetings/therapy, you should definitely give mom an equal-time break so she doesn't become resentful. She deserves time too, even if she's not in recovery.

SoberLeigh

Sounds like a very good plan, Noah. Stick with it.

May I suggest that you want sobriety as much as life itself as eventually it becomes and is life itself. What I am trying to say, rather inadequately, is that alcoholism will eventually take your soul and more.

Want sobriety as much as life itself because, in so many ways, they are synonymous.

SoberLifeForMe

You can definitely stay sober with a newborn. I have an 8 1/2 month old baby, am five months sober today, and just finished five months of IOP last night. I also go to AA. I work full-time and have a long commute. Oh, and my wife and I have six more kids from preschool to almost adult.

Yeah, it's a challenge at times, but sobriety is very doable with young children. I've found, as you might expect, that dealing with the stress that young children present is MUCH easier when sober than while drinking. Problems don't seem nearly as big when you can address them with a clear head and thought process.

Keep working your plan, be flexible in adjusting it where and when needed, and work on balance in your life. Children and family are great secondary motivators to maintain sobriety, but at the end of the day, you need to do it for yourself, simply because you're worth it.

Make time for yourself when needed, even every day, if at all possible. Read a book, watch some Netflix, go on a long walk, post on SR, or anything else that helps you de-stress and maintain balance.

This absolutely can be done. You've got this! And congratulations on the new little one. Children are a wonderful blessing!