Frustrated47

My aabf of a year-and-a-half not only stole my cash & credit card for drugs and booze, he broke a lot of things in my home, was abusive when drunk or high, cost me a great job that I loved, lied constantly, and used the cocaine excuse for posting sex ads on Craigslist.

Each time after some form of an episode he would be contrite and seemingly repentant.

At one point he even checked himself into rehab saying that he was doing it because he loved me and wanted us to be a family.

That didn't last long. Within weeks he had gotten drunk, stole my credit card again going on a shopping spree, showed up at my workplace drunk, and then hit me in the head so hard when I get home I had a concussion. Normally he would knock me down when drunk but had never hit me that hard before.

When he was sober he was very attentive and sweet. He would rub my feet after work, run me a bubble bath, make dinner, Etc.
On top of all of that he's right up my alley in the attractiveness area. He's 27, has tattoos, drives a motorcycle, wears the five o'clock shadow, the whole bit.

I'm not a complete troll, but I am 47 and have suffered from cerebral palsy and scoliosis which makes me walk with a limp.
So here I was single mom four months out of A 5 year relationship and here's this guy who came along to sweep me off my feet. I kept telling him he was way too young for me, but thought, What is the harm having a new friend since I need friends now anyway?

Next thing you know we are dating. Initially it was so nice to have this hot young guy so attentive. We got along great and can I just say the intimacy was redonkulous. Omgosh.

Next thing you know money started disappearing and he would have odd episodes.
The first he got up in the middle of the night saying don't you see those guys there standing in the street with guns? I said babe there's no one there. He was freaking out and grabbed the phone to call the cops to tell them they were men in the street pointing guns at us up in the bedroom.

He was tripping off of something and I have no idea where he had gotten it from or when. I completely believed him when he told me he didn't know what happened to my cash.

Cash started disappearing weekly. I started to think maybe that I was losing it somehow or didn't have as much as I thought.

He eventually did fess up to taking it to buy drugs.

I eventually took out a PPO on him. He hadn't been served a PPO yet so when he was standing outside of my window at midnight screaming that I had to let him in because he hadn't been served yet I believed him.
I had not known that as soon as the judge signs it it is valid even though he needs to be served!

I let him in and he knocked me down. We got in a fight and he ended up with a quarter inch Cut Above his eyebrow. I called the police. Unbelievably even though he was high on cocaine and had assaulted me I was arrested for assault because he had a quarter inch Cut Above his eyebrow !
Of course the charges were dropped the next day, but I had spent a hellish 32 hours in jail.
That same time the cops served him the PPO but told me that it was valid the second the judge signed it. He was charged with violating the PPO but I was charged with assault!

I couldn't believe it.

I had a great job with the school system. The next morning I went back to work I was told that I had to resign. You cannot be arrested apparently and keep your job with the school system. They will find a way to get rid of you ASAP.

I loved that job and had been there for 7 years. I only make about a third now working part time at the Y.

Okay now I'm rambling.

He's currently in jail for assault.
He got drunk again one night and went into my home calling my cell from my landline. I went and got a male friend to come back with me to my house because I was afraid to go home alone. When pushing my friend didn't work and punching at my friend didn't work he spat in my friend's eyes.
When my friend was wiping the spit out of his eye my aabf took a large glass picture and broke it over his head. My friend was bleeding from his head and his arms. At that point my friend took him down to the ground and restrained him until the cops got there. He went to jail for assault. He's been there about three weeks now. He calls me a couple times a day from jail telling me he loves me and hopes that I have a good day. He said that he would do his best to never drink or use again and that he loves me.

Obviously I don't believe that he can just go cold turkey.
I grieve 4 the loss of the good that was there.

I was born to a 15 year old girl who wanted an abortion.
I've had no family or friends for a support system. So, for me the loss seems a bit larger since I don't have family and friends to lean on. It's just me and my son who turns 13 the end of August.

Literally when he went to his father's last weekend I had no contact with anyone other than this AABF that called me from jail.

He said that if I choose to not continue a relationship with him he would just hop a bus to Miami. The distance obviously would certainly help with not jumping back into anything, but emotionally how do you best heal over a loss when you don't have a support system?

Obviously I don't miss the chaos and drama, but I do miss having a best friend companion and lover. Even if it wasn't all real due to addictions.

AnvilheadII

well you have found a support system HERE. so now you have us.

read this from an objective viewpoint, as if it were someone else's thread:

He's currently in jail for assault period he got drunk again one night and went into my home calling my cell from my landline. I went and got a male friend to come back with me to my house because I was afraid to go home alone. When pushing my friend didn't work and punching at my friend didn't work he spit in my friends eyes.
When my friend was wiping the spit out of his eye my aabf took a large glass picture and broke it over his head. My friend was bleeding from his head in his arms. At that point my friend took him down to the ground and restrained him until the cops got there. He went to jail for assault. He's been there about three weeks now. He calls me a couple times a day from jail telling me he loves me and hopes that I have a good day. He said that he would do his best to never drink or use again and that he loves me

what if you went home that night without any support? what might he have done to you?

this man is very dangerous. violent. out of control.

and yes, he used you. he used his "looks" his "charms" on a vulnerable older woman. because he will do anything to feed his nefarious desires for drugs, for getting high, for ripping and running.

stay away. do every legal thing you need to do to make sure he can never contact you again, without consequence. he does not love you. not one word of what you shared says "love" - only use and abuse.

Ariesagain

You said you are a single mom? Where's your child in all of this?

Frustrated47

All of the episodes except for the one where I was actually arrested happened when my son had been staying at his dad's

Frustrated47

In my head I know that you are absolutely right. For some reason though I still miss the companionship and EgoBoost I received from being with him.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but when you have no family or friends losing the good times that did occur still feel like a loss.

Frustrated47

Thanks for the support Anvilhead.

Maudcat

Hi, Frustrated. Welcome to SR.
Time and distance will bring clarity.
I think that , while you miss your guy, you know in your heart that he is not a good person.
And that he is using you.
And that he likely used another woman or women before you met.
That is how addicts roll.
Use up and replace.
Miss him, yes, but remember that he stole from you and hurt you and your friend.
This is not someone you want to waste time on.
Peace.

Ariesagain

You have family, though...you have your son, yes?

I get that you had what I refer to as a Snickers Fling...delicious, sweet, zero nutritional value, and not good for you as a steady diet...but this went waaay beyond just that. Once he stole from you, abused you and assaulted a friend who was trying to help you...that's the Land of No Return.

Abuse and addiction are separate issues. Most addicts/alcoholics only abuse themselves...it would never occur to them to hurt others physically.

This guy is bad, bad news and should never be back around you, let alone an impressionable son. Block his number and try to find some activities where you might meet some people you would like.

You can do much better than this.

HardLessons

Hi Frustrated

Very sorry to read what you are going through.

I am new to SR I have posted recently about my own experiences.

You did the right thing by posting your experience here. You will get some candid advise. I know I did. Please take the advice seriously. Your in a very bad situation & you need to take control of it for your own benefit.

Also please take time to read as much as possible. Knowledge is the key to understanding these terrible experiences.

I wish you all the best.

AnvilheadII

you have a child. i presume this child attends school/daycare - i may have missed the age. there are other children at the school, and those children have parents. there is one cohort of potential acquaintances. there are adult education classes, cooking, oil painting, acting, computer skills, etc. community volunteer activities. plenty of positive outlets attended by other like minded individuals.

as an only child of a single mom, it always makes me sad when i hear parents with children saying they have no one in their lives. i hear the children of those parents saying: What about ME, mom?

atalose

Welcome Frustrated glad you found SR.

We often share this # 800 -799-SAFE (7233) it’s for domestic violence and they offer valuable information and resources for support.

You asked about how to heal from a toxic relationship……….by first ending it. If you have a PPO in place why is he allowed to call you from jail? If the order is still in place I would contact the jail and notify them of that fact.

miamifella

It is encouraging that you are so clear on all the warning signs. You saw all the red flags and ignored them this time. But you saw them---and can decide not to ignore such danger signals in the future.

You recognize that your lack of friends is a problem. So you can begin to take steps to connect socially more.

The actions you need to take are clear---which means you can finally stop this from being about him and make it be about you and what you are going to do next.

How do you heal? End this relationship. Let go of the drama. Care for your child. Develop non-sexual friendships.

Hechosedrugs

Time. And I had to let go of the idea of justice. I had to stop waiting for the karma bus to hit my ex-husband and realize that it already had. Not in the way I would have liked it to- I wasn't successful in contesting the debt he accumulated by stealing my identity, and he has a young, gorgeous girlfriend. But she's a heroin addict, and from what I hear, has major issues with bipolar disorder and infidelity. That can't be fun. And the stories my kids tell me from their time with him (yes, he still has unsupervised visits- a tragedy I'm still working on) his life is no picnic. Lots of creepy stories. Sounds like he's living in the hell of a life he earned.

Blessings.

Frustrated47

I've tried reaching out to other parents but it seems to be a difficult bridge to cross when you are the only single parent and don't make Buko bucks.
Not a lot of interest from the other parents.
My son is 12 and will be 13 the end of August. The last thing boys of that age want to do is hang out with their mom. Of course I "have" him but anyone with a tween boy knows that he cannot fill the spot of an adult bff. Like any tween the most often used phrase in response to any question is I don't know.

I love him to the Moon and back but he is not someone I can confide in as far as adult information, nor should I.
That would be entirely inappropriate.
So when I say I don't have friends or family for a support system I'm speaking of an adult. A child was never meant to be an adult's support system.

I'll keep trying though.

Frustrated47

Thank you all for taking the time out of your day to respond and offer advice.

I appreciate it.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

Keep posting, yes?

We got your back.

Frustrated47

Thank you so much.

I've come back and reread these replies when I start to question my actions. It really does help.

HardLessons

Frustrated

You make a good point I have been re-reading replies to my post on a daily basis. Not all of it every day but parts of it.

Sometimes I look at it & say to myself "is this really me" how did I ever end up in such a mess.

Re-reading responses to my post has been very helpful to me.

solicitude

I just want to say that I think it is very hard and everyone has different ways to cope with these feelings. I didn't have a big support system either (had family/friends, but no one to talk to about this issue) but I found some people online to chat about it in a somewhat anonymous way like this- and it made me feel a bit better- along with reading and posting on this site. I lurked this site for a year or so before I ever posted, but reading everyone's experiences and the stickies made me feel more knowledgeable and less alone.
I also read and learned everything I could about addiction/codependence so that I would be able to learn from it, instead of letting it take me down again. Working on yourself and how you can prevent letting yourself get into situations like this (like by creating strong boundaries) is really important for moving on, I think, because you start to see where YOU went wrong and realize that you do have control. Another thing to do is, if you are feeling especially crappy one day, make it a point to do something for YOU, like get a manicure, a massage, lay in the sun, read a book, something YOU enjoy a lot.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm sure most of the people here wouldn't mind a private message.