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Hello! Need some help finding my strength again

Old 06-26-2017, 01:05 PM
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Question Hello! Need some help finding my strength again

I'm not really a newcomer to recovery, but perhaps I am? I've been quitting drinking for the last 7 years. I've been serious about quitting since April 2016 when my liver was failing. I've tried AA (but I'm not religious), SMART Recovery, IOPE, have gone thru detox twice, and have been hospitalized 7 times because of hepatic impairment (jaundiced)/pancreatitis. I managed to do this to myself all within the last 8 years of my first drink.

I know right now that I have re-kindled the dopamine-glutamate hyper-memory from drinking. I want the cravings to go away. It's odd because I am on naltrexone and I'm still having cravings even though alcohol doesn't give me the euphoria. My life has been gaining momentum towards happiness and for some reason my brain is screaming with everything it has to destroy my success.

Feeling alone and frustrated. I make it to around 100 days (which I've done 3 times now) and feel the world become a scary place again and escape reality with my drug of choice. Even with all of my knowledge of how this disease works, my triggers, my support group, I can't seem to find a way to live with my own self long-term. Worse, I've become a liar. I have absolutely no problem with lying to anyone and everyone I care about to protect my supply. It's repulsive and more than that, terrifying.

Anyone feel this way?

Thanks
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Old 06-26-2017, 02:36 PM
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Welcome, Butters (I love your username! ).

I was never seriously ill, but I certainly was a selfish liar!

You'll find lots of support here. It gets busier in a couple hours. I'm sure you'll find quite a few people whom you'll identify with--and you'll see that they've actually done it--they've got the monkey off their backs for good.
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Old 06-26-2017, 02:58 PM
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Welcome to the Forum ButtersTheBrave!!
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Old 06-26-2017, 07:14 PM
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Hey Butters. I think I lied to myself more than to anyone else, and I was good at it. It was when I stopped believing myself that changes started to happen
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Old 06-26-2017, 08:15 PM
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Not to sound uncaring, or anything negative; maybe you should try faith, because it sounds like you are killing you self. I'm guessing you have some anger in you that continues to drive you. Giving that to a higher power might relieve some pressure and give you a real shot at getting healthy. Only my thoughts! I wish you only health and peace.
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Old 06-27-2017, 04:43 AM
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Welcome Butters!

You can do this. Things started to change for me when I stopped telling myself lies. I think truth is vitally important for recovery.

Good luck to you.
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Old 06-27-2017, 05:09 AM
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Hi butters,
I was liar and a snake , just to satisfy my own greed for alcohol. Buy a bottle to share and hide one for myself, that type of thing. I'm only on day 25 so I'm no expert and who knows what's around the corner . I can only wish you well in your journey and hope you get all the support you need. This is a great step to post here in sr. A great resource. Please don't let it get too late when you have no choice to stop and the damage is done.
All the best!
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Old 06-27-2017, 05:23 AM
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I hear you about the lying. The worse the drinking gets, the more lies you tell to cover it up. It's horrible and pathetic! I have been lying to family, to coworkers....basically to anyone that I have to have interactions with. I have had it though. These people don't deserve to be lied to and manipulated on a regular basis. Just so I can continue with my (supposed) closet addiction....day 1!
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Old 06-27-2017, 08:58 AM
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Thank you to all of the replies!

I'm going to spend more time focusing on trying to sniff out any lies I am telling myself which seems to be the consensus here. The reason I brought up lies is because I've been single for a long time. I never had any accountability, thus no need to lie. Before my body gave out I was high functioning and quite successful in my career.

As previously stated I still have quite the challenge trying to accept that I have to push down my own personal beliefs to accept something I don't feel (faith). I've tried believing quite hard and was told I was going to burn if I didn't do it the right way growing up. I struggled many years trying to reconcile my inability to get my gut feelings on the same page of what I was being told was True. In IOPE I almost did an about face when I saw the 12 steps on the wall. By that point I was so low it didn't matter though. I knew MY way wasn't working anymore. I gave it a really good shot trying to define a Higher Power as they had us write journal entries every Tuesday. Still not sure here though.

I know that my life is incompatible with alcohol. I know that I've crossed a bridge that crumbled behind me. My addiction is progressive and there is no turning back. Normal relapses I don't stop. I will drink nonstop until I am too weak to crawl to the liquor store anymore and end up calling 911 severely dehydrated, broken.

Pre-IOPE I thought I was weak, pathetic but I learned the science, genetic pre-disposition, took ACEs/DSM-5, learned many things. The DBT skills have been invaluable for my recovery. Things that used to feel impossible become possible using opposite action. Good stuff!

Right this moment I know that there's a big part of me that doesn't ever want to give up alcohol. That's why I'm here. I know when my limbic center isn't in control that I do want to live long term, thus need to squash this thought process.

After getting clean I really loved waking up everyday without radiating pain splitting my body in half. Puking several times a day, worrying about supply, living like a base animal.

I'm still trying to build a quality of life that I do not want to lose. Just about every moment of my life now is better than before it was when using, albeit sometimes it's hard being present 24/7. Again, I need to work on this attitude and replace struggle with gratitude.

The problem is I become overwhelmed and also want to turn off for a while. It's so easy, natural, automatic. I've felt that for a while but I usually beat the urge using distraction or crisis management. After talking with my daughter about why I've been missing the last year and a half is when I relapsed (the day after). The pain I've caused the poor child, it's hard to accept yet alone forgive myself. Now my brain has decided that it can get away with sneaking drinks on Saturdays because I don't have accountability there. This is the immediate crisis I'm in. Telling myself NO MORE. I cannot get away with this and it will not work!

Sorry for the rambling. I think I need to spend more effort into studying recovery work, mix in more low-effort rewards along with my long-term goals so I don't feel the need to run away, and hopefully some community from the kind people on this forum.

Have a lovely day all
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Old 06-29-2017, 06:53 AM
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I've been browsing these forums a lot over the last few days. I came knowing that I don't know what to do this time, but I think I have something that will work.

I realized that nowhere in my IOP program, AA meetings, anywhere else did I actually explicitly state I will never drink again. I'm taking that part of what I've found in the 'Rational Recovery' angle (a bit tacky of a name IMO). It was interesting how viscerally writing down I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND made my insides scream. Ha!

For anyone else reading this though I only think this method will work at this stage of my sobriety because I am not actively physically addicted and I have a lot of tools to make life manageable. I have enough buffer to actually take my life back. I wouldn't have a year ago.

I will still continue my counseling and participating in this forum to deal with all of the problems that I tried to escape using alcohol.
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Old 06-29-2017, 03:04 PM
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I'm glad you've found something that works for you Butters

D
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Old 06-29-2017, 03:51 PM
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Thanks! It's been nice seeing a lot of different views and the common thread of trying to live a full life.
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Old 06-29-2017, 11:41 PM
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Originally Posted by ButtersTheBrave View Post
I've been browsing these forums a lot over the last few days. I came knowing that I don't know what to do this time, but I think I have something that will work.

I realized that nowhere in my IOP program, AA meetings, anywhere else did I actually explicitly state I will never drink again. I'm taking that part of what I've found in the 'Rational Recovery' angle (a bit tacky of a name IMO). It was interesting how viscerally writing down I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND made my insides scream. Ha!

For anyone else reading this though I only think this method will work at this stage of my sobriety because I am not actively physically addicted and I have a lot of tools to make life manageable. I have enough buffer to actually take my life back. I wouldn't have a year ago.

I will still continue my counseling and participating in this forum to deal with all of the problems that I tried to escape using alcohol.
BTB,

Congratulations on writing down and seriously considering taking the pledge of permanent abstinence. Maybe you've really done it. You do have every capacity to do it. As you continue to recognize within you that screaming resistance to your pledge, you also have the perfect capacity to catch yourself and NOT act upon that desire to drink some more. Yes, every single time.

Having that old internal desire is not a sign of poor health or disease, but acting upon it is simply no longer appropriate for you, and with permanent abstinence in place, it does gradually extinguish over time. People break habits all the time, and I've found making an irrevocable pledge is the easiest (and most common) way.

You found Rational Recovery, which allows addicted people to tap into the Mother Lode of all recovery methods - Pledge to quit for good and keep that decision pristine and separate from everything else that you do.

Rational Recovery also developed the technique called Addictive Voice Recognition Technique. It is what some people use to keep the pledge separate from everything else in their lives.

GT
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