Help please
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Help please
Me and my girlfried of over a year just broke up. I'm in aa myself. She was in a recovery home and when she got out she relapsed. Things were fine still. We talked about breaking up but never did. She left about a month ago for a halfway house things were still fine we had plans on weekends tghroughout the summer and she was suposed to see me on my birthday next week she was really excited about that.
Then something changed i picked her up took her home for the day took her to a sobber pinic and we were fine. I took her home we cuddled like olt times and she said with a calm voice i miss this then i drove her back to the house.
Then sunday happend her roomate and friend she had made relapsed and we got into a fight over it. She apologized the next day and i was ok. Tuesday and wednesday came she barley talked to me. But she kept saying she still loved me and wanted to be with me but couldnt. So we talked that night i agreed to give her space but not break up but she saw it that way. So i continued to text het trying to talk to her with no responce. When she did reply i was happy as a dog. She told me to call her and she flipped on me saying you need to stop trearing me like im your girlfriend because im not anymore. And so on and to stop texting her. But i could not do that i fell madly in love with her. I asked her if she loved me she said yes but things change and she is chainging for the best. I told her i saw a future with her and she said she did also but she chagned. I asked her if we could ever be together again and i would wait for her she just flipped her **** told me no go on dates move on and to stop texing het. I no she is not looking for othet guys i just need advise please please on what to do i do not see my life without her. Now she wont talk to me and ive been her biggest support i know more about her then her own family. What do i do.
Then something changed i picked her up took her home for the day took her to a sobber pinic and we were fine. I took her home we cuddled like olt times and she said with a calm voice i miss this then i drove her back to the house.
Then sunday happend her roomate and friend she had made relapsed and we got into a fight over it. She apologized the next day and i was ok. Tuesday and wednesday came she barley talked to me. But she kept saying she still loved me and wanted to be with me but couldnt. So we talked that night i agreed to give her space but not break up but she saw it that way. So i continued to text het trying to talk to her with no responce. When she did reply i was happy as a dog. She told me to call her and she flipped on me saying you need to stop trearing me like im your girlfriend because im not anymore. And so on and to stop texting her. But i could not do that i fell madly in love with her. I asked her if she loved me she said yes but things change and she is chainging for the best. I told her i saw a future with her and she said she did also but she chagned. I asked her if we could ever be together again and i would wait for her she just flipped her **** told me no go on dates move on and to stop texing het. I no she is not looking for othet guys i just need advise please please on what to do i do not see my life without her. Now she wont talk to me and ive been her biggest support i know more about her then her own family. What do i do.
Last edited by Jpg4769; 06-25-2017 at 09:41 AM. Reason: Not finised.
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My friend, I hope you can respect her request to leave her alone. You will survive this, even though it hurts, but you can't go on chasing after someone who has asked you to stop: that isn't love, it is obsession, and both you and she deserve more respect.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
My friend, I hope you can respect her request to leave her alone. You will survive this, even though it hurts, but you can't go on chasing after someone who has asked you to stop: that isn't love, it is obsession, and both you and she deserve more respect.
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From what I understand, early recovery from addiction can be an incredibly confusing time, learning to deal with emotions without a buffer for the first time. Not to make excuses for her, but maybe to help you manage your expectations.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
From what I understand, early recovery from addiction can be an incredibly confusing time, learning to deal with emotions without a buffer for the first time. Not to make excuses for her, but maybe to help you manage your expectations.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
One thing that is clear is that she needs some time and space to work through all of that. It would be a very loving thing to do to give that to her, regardless of how much it hurts.
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Sorry for your hurt and disappointment.
I would suggest focussing on your own recovery and leaving her alone as she has asked you to do. You say that you are in AA yourself. Do you mean that you have a sponsor and are working the steps? If so, hopefully your sponsor can help you apply the program to this situation so that you can find some acceptance of the suituation (life on lifes terms remember - you do need to accept that she has broken up with you) and avoid developing a resentment over this or try to manipulate the situation, or any of those old alcoholic behaviours we are so prone to.
Take care.
BB
I would suggest focussing on your own recovery and leaving her alone as she has asked you to do. You say that you are in AA yourself. Do you mean that you have a sponsor and are working the steps? If so, hopefully your sponsor can help you apply the program to this situation so that you can find some acceptance of the suituation (life on lifes terms remember - you do need to accept that she has broken up with you) and avoid developing a resentment over this or try to manipulate the situation, or any of those old alcoholic behaviours we are so prone to.
Take care.
BB
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I just mean leave her alone for now.
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Leave her alone and let her be. If she wants you back she will come back.
If she doesn't then move on. Life is to short to chase after someone who is running away from you. Believe me I know. I have been there and done it.
If she doesn't then move on. Life is to short to chase after someone who is running away from you. Believe me I know. I have been there and done it.
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Originally Posted by Jpg4769
I'm going too. Its just really hard i gave her a year and more off my life sacrificed allot for her. And this. But do you think she still loves me. Shes just confused
I think people need to love themselves first before they can love someone else in a healthy way. I think addiction makes that very difficult, and compounds feelings of low self-worth that alcohol, drugs, and other people can mask for a time. I think ultimately, until someone can learn to love themselves unconditionally, truly loving someone else is very difficult, and they will keep sabotaging themselves and others in order to validate their own feelings of worthlessness.
I'm the child of an alcoholic mother and a codependent father, and a dyed-in-the-wool codependent myself. It took me a long time and many unhealthy relationships before I understand that until I believed that I was good enough for myself, first and foremost, I was never going to believe that I was good enough for someone else, either. I needed a lot of time, distance from relationships, and therapy to get there, but I did, and life is much more rewarding now than it was before I accepted responsibility for my own confusion of "need" and "love."
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I have no idea, I'm sorry.
I think people need to love themselves first before they can love someone else in a healthy way. I think addiction makes that very difficult, and compounds feelings of low self-worth that alcohol, drugs, and other people can mask for a time. I think ultimately, until someone can learn to love themselves unconditionally, truly loving someone else is very difficult, and they will keep sabotaging themselves and others in order to validate their own feelings of worthlessness.
I'm the child of an alcoholic mother and a codependent father, and a dyed-in-the-wool codependent myself. It took me a long time and many unhealthy relationships before I understand that until I believed that I was good enough for myself, first and foremost, I was never going to believe that I was good enough for someone else, either. I needed a lot of time, distance from relationships, and therapy to get there, but I did, and life is much more rewarding now than it was before I accepted responsibility for my own confusion of "need" and "love."
I think people need to love themselves first before they can love someone else in a healthy way. I think addiction makes that very difficult, and compounds feelings of low self-worth that alcohol, drugs, and other people can mask for a time. I think ultimately, until someone can learn to love themselves unconditionally, truly loving someone else is very difficult, and they will keep sabotaging themselves and others in order to validate their own feelings of worthlessness.
I'm the child of an alcoholic mother and a codependent father, and a dyed-in-the-wool codependent myself. It took me a long time and many unhealthy relationships before I understand that until I believed that I was good enough for myself, first and foremost, I was never going to believe that I was good enough for someone else, either. I needed a lot of time, distance from relationships, and therapy to get there, but I did, and life is much more rewarding now than it was before I accepted responsibility for my own confusion of "need" and "love."
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
Sorry for your hurt and disappointment.
I would suggest focussing on your own recovery and leaving her alone as she has asked you to do. You say that you are in AA yourself. Do you mean that you have a sponsor and are working the steps? If so, hopefully your sponsor can help you apply the program to this situation so that you can find some acceptance of the suituation (life on lifes terms remember - you do need to accept that she has broken up with you) and avoid developing a resentment over this or try to manipulate the situation, or any of those old alcoholic behaviours we are so prone to.
Take care.
BB
I would suggest focussing on your own recovery and leaving her alone as she has asked you to do. You say that you are in AA yourself. Do you mean that you have a sponsor and are working the steps? If so, hopefully your sponsor can help you apply the program to this situation so that you can find some acceptance of the suituation (life on lifes terms remember - you do need to accept that she has broken up with you) and avoid developing a resentment over this or try to manipulate the situation, or any of those old alcoholic behaviours we are so prone to.
Take care.
BB
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