How do you put it...?

Old 06-24-2017, 01:29 PM
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How do you put it...?

Hi all

I'm new here. I introduced myself earlier over in the newcomers section. I'm wondering: those of you who have been the ones to break it to your partner that they have a drinking problem.... how did you approach that? I honestly can't believe it's taken me this long to click that my husband is not just a regular social drinker.

He drinks most nights (I'd say six out of seven) - at least a glass of wine or two, but frequently three or four. A whole bottle about twice a week, and more than that (maybe several beers, several glasses of wine followed by some late whiskeys) if there's a social occasion. Social gatherings are treated like a licence for unlimited drinking to the point of dishevelled stumbly drunkenness, which he never ever admits is drunkenness. This may sound like a silly question but is this what alcoholism looks like?

He can go a night or two without drinking (particularly if the previous night was heavy), but generally the pouring of the first glass is his big signal for the end of the work day and the start of the evening "unwind". I don't think he has ever used the words "drinking problem" or "addiction" or "alcoholism". I don't think he thinks he has a problem. I honestly have no idea how to raise this without hitting a wall of angry denial.

When is a good time? How do you know when to have this conversation, and how?
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Old 06-24-2017, 02:17 PM
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I don't have any great insight here, just a suggestion that you focus on "I-statements" ("I'm concerned about your drinking" ... "I've noticed that you've been drinking more lately" ... "I'm worried about your health" ..."I'm trying to understand what's been going on because I notice you've been drinking more" ...) rather than "you-statements" ("you have a problem" ... "you might be an alcoholic "...).

If you have a specific incident in mind you could use it as an opener ("When we went to the Johnsons' party, I felt really awkward because it looked like you were having trouble talking clearly") and then move into more general concerns.

I think standard advice is also to avoid the words "always" and "never".
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Old 06-24-2017, 02:45 PM
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Actually, the Big Book (AA) suggests having a chat the morning after, when someone is feeling like crap. But that's for someone who might be ready to quit. I seriously doubt someone who drinks like your husband does will see any need to quit drinking. Not that he's not headed for alcoholism, but some people really ARE just plain heavy drinkers and are not alcoholics.

I agree with Sasha, that it's best if you focus on the fact that you fear for his health--you might want to look up some articles that talk about "safe" levels of drinking for adults. He's a ways beyond those. The articles also talk about various health risks as the result of excessive drinking.

And yes, talk about any times you have been embarrassed or scared by his drinking. You can tell him that it would make you feel a lot better if he would cut way back on his drinking. You never know, maybe he can and he will. If he doesn't, though, then either he can't (which suggests possible alcoholism) or he won't (which suggests a certain disregard for your wishes).

Do NOT try to talk with him WHILE he's drinking. Wait till he's sober and you have his attention.
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Old 06-24-2017, 03:10 PM
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Allsolovely.....here is my take on it.....Not to even say the word "you", to start a sentence....(like the other poster suggested)....
I would begin with something like this: "I have a concern (problem) with how much you have been drinking. I am worried about the effect it is having on me and our marriage as a whole".
then....I would to put my cards on the table...honestly....I think that honesty, on your part is very important, here (unless he has a history of physical abuse)....
Make it all about you and how it is affecting your life and happiness....
That makes it less easy for him to get defensive.....

Now, having said this...he will probably get defensive. He will probably make every excuse in the world about why he needs to drink...and he will, for almost certain, minimize it...and, may blame you for it or try to deflect the whole subject and focus on some "fault" of yours---to get the spotlight off of him.
DON'T bite!
If he gets argumentative...just say something like---"I just think that you deserved to know where I am coming from"....and leave the area or change the subject....

You will have done your part...putting the ball in his court and given him the information about how you feel..
Now, it will be his up to him for how he chooses to use that information. The ball will be in his court...his turn to serve....

If he persists...you can, also, say----"This is not for argument or for debate".....

Meanwhile, back on your side of the street...lol...it is time to establish boundaries for yourself and to get support for the journey that, surely, lies ahead....
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Old 06-24-2017, 03:53 PM
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we of course can't diagnose your H's condition - but it's safe to say at the very least he has a problem with alcohol. more importantly, YOU have a problem with HIS drinking.

but i gotta say, anyone who drinks beer, then wine, then whiskey - ugh. that should make anyone violently ill. i'm a little nauseous just reading it!!!

remember, this has been going on for a while now. years? so it is not imperative that you address this TODAY. take time, get yourself to a balanced place, not one of panic. it's unlikely that the first time you talk to him he'll perk up and say "gosh honey, you are so right, what was i thinking? " and stop. NO ONE likes to have negative things pointed out.........even if they know it to be true.

think of it like planting from seed - not EVERY seed takes, not matter how carefully cultivated. but some seeds do take. a gentle, non-threatening talk that doesn't attack, only expresses concern, MAY plant a seed. or it may not. that is not in your control.
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Old 06-25-2017, 12:14 AM
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asl, glad you made it over to this part of the forum. I think you got some words of wisdom here and hope you find them helpful.

Reading around the F&F section here as much as you can, as well as checking out the "stickies" at the top of the page, will give you a good overview of alcoholism and life w/an alcoholic. Alanon can be a great in-person resource, too. As one of our members here likes to say, "Knowledge is power!" It's so true--when I was in my own little tiny world w/XAH, everything was an n of 1. I had no way to reality check what I was seeing, hearing, feeling, being told. I felt alone, scared, and constantly off balance and confused.

Once I got started in SR and Alanon, I began to see the patterns of behavior that A's seem to share. I felt a lot less crazy and alone. Then I began to see the patterns of behavior that I shared w/other spouses/partners/etc. of A's. Now that was truly eye-opening!

To me, the strength of SR is the tremendous diversity of our members. Sometimes folks come in w/blinders on and only ever read/post in their own thread--they are missing the biggest part of the benefits to be gained here. So again, I will urge you to read widely and to post in other people's threads.

Hope to hear more from you in the days to come!
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Old 06-25-2017, 09:51 PM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I had no way to reality check what I was seeing, hearing, feeling, being told. I felt alone, scared, and constantly off balance and confused.

Once I got started in SR and Alanon, I began to see the patterns of behavior that A's seem to share. I felt a lot less crazy and alone. Then I began to see the patterns of behavior that I shared w/other spouses/partners/etc. of A's. Now that was truly eye-opening!

To me, the strength of SR is the tremendous diversity of our members. Sometimes folks come in w/blinders on and only ever read/post in their own thread--they are missing the biggest part of the benefits to be gained here. So again, I will urge you to read widely and to post in other people's threads.

Hope to hear more from you in the days to come!
Thank you so much for this advice. Tears stinging eyes a bit reading this - some of it very familiar. I will definitely take time to look around and absorb some of the experience and wisdom of others here.
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Old 06-25-2017, 09:54 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
...going on for a while now. years? so it is not imperative that you address this TODAY. take time, get yourself to a balanced place, not one of panic. .
Yes. I'm classically a storm-on-in-where-angels-fear-to-tread typa soul, but am resisting the urge to share right now what's all going on in my head. It's making for an emotionally heavy, draining time, but feels like the right thing for now. Even just the last two days hard thinking is starting to help me gather a bit of resolve and perspective. I'll be away from home for the coming weekend with our youngest child (the other two at home with dad), and I don't feel like leaving an angerstorm behind me.
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