Boyfriend newly recovered, needing to focus on himself

Old 06-24-2017, 04:43 AM
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Boyfriend newly recovered, needing to focus on himself

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We have always been very close, despite the hell we have gone through together with him actively using drugs. It finally came to a head and he went to a thirty day program almost 2000 miles from home and is now doing a three month sober living program. He has been in sober living for one week. In detox he called me
Every day multiple times a day, once in rehab he couldn't call for the first week, but as soon as he had phone privileges he called me, used all his time to talk to me
Even over his mom. Two days later he stopped calling. I got worried in a week because this was extremely foreign to our relationship. I called and reassured me he loved me and all this wasn't for nothing, but he's trying to focus on himself and he has to love himself before he can properly love me. Fast forward to him getting out of rehab, he gets his phone back talks to me the whole night until 4 am. The next day we talked, but a little less, next day a little less... he texted me about trying to find a ride to the barber shop and that he couldn't but then found one and on asking how he got there he never answered me telling me who he got the ride from... next day I call him later at night and he answers says I can't talk I'm in Walmart getting groceries pushing the cart I'll call you back... and pretty much hangs up without letting me get a word in- never called me back- and I just said good night and he told me he was cleaning the fridge and putting groceries away... the following day he texted me a little during the day, but I needed to chat with him about some stuff (shipping him stuff etc) he was slow to answer my text, I call him he doesn't answer but he then answers my text immediately. I ask him to call me, doesn't respond. Two minutes later I call him, no answer. So I start to freak out a little inside, wondering what is happening... I call his sponsor who he and his girlfriend are in recovery and they trying to be honest with me tell me his behavior sounds a little weird and that saying he's focusing on himself could be an excuse, it could be legitimate but something doesn't sound quite right. They proceed to tell me how sexually vulnerable you are when first are recovering and how they have both been in situations where their partners have used this as an excuse and were forming rehab romances. It is also of note that he started an Instagram account after getting our and followed majority of girls on there. With their advice they told me that I should tell him how I feel, and when I did after being up all night calling multiple times, texting a few times, and expressing that I was worried and hurt and feeling confused he yelled at me and told me this is why he is focusing on himself and he was really really mad and do I want him to relapse, etc. He typically would react like this to situations when he was using in the morning when he wasn't high... and he has borderline personality disorder (I think is what they diagnosed him with) but I apologized that I wasn't trying to make him mad I just feel very much on the outside and am afraid after everything that I will lose him. And I told him I'm sorry please don't be mad and I love him... he didn't respond even 16 hours later, and I stopped texting him after that. His sponsor also told me that I shouldn't have apologized. My question is, is this behavior normal, especially for a couple who was very very very close, does it seem like he's hiding something and using focusing on himself as an excuse? How much do I express myself in situations when it comes to our relationship right now? His sponsor seemed like it was completely fine to talk to him about issues. I'm confused and feel like am I in the wrong or is he? How do I handle these types of situations with someone newly out of rehab? I don't want to lose him to another girl being so far away from him. But I don't want to risk his sobriety or shift his focus, but I am still a part of this and we are in a relationship and this is impacting my life.
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Old 06-24-2017, 10:53 AM
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I don't have much experience with rehab, but my understanding from postings here is that the situation you describe is not uncommon.
People are alll over the place mentally when they are in early recovery.
I would stop contact for a bit, let him work on his recovery, while you take care of you.
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Old 06-24-2017, 11:20 AM
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I would like to gently encourage you to reframe your thinking.

You say that you have been through hell because of his drug use? So when you say you worry about "losing him" that, to me, is a red flag. It should not be a matter of losing him. It should be him losing you. You should be establishing firm boundaries and making a commitment to yourself that you will not, under any circumstances, allow him to put you through this hell again.

Also, the fact that you call him "newly recovered"- another red flag. He is IN recovery, and will be for the rest of his life. I'm sorry if I seem to be nit-picking little nuances, but a lot of this sounds similar to my old way of thinking. My ex did went to rehab, which at the time, I thought was the magic bullet. It wasn't, and he has certainly not recovered.

Please put yourself first and allow him to do the same. Trust in fate, or your higher power, that things will work out exactly as they should.

I was terrified of losing my ex. Moreso to another woman than drugs. But in the end he lost me. Now he gets to continue to experience this hell and I am free- and happier than ever.

Blessings and peace to you.
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Old 06-24-2017, 12:44 PM
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You are needing reassurance that he is not going to end this relationship. You want happily ever after rehab but that isn't always how the story ends.

This is the time that YOU need to focus on YOU. What kind of help did you seek while he was in rehab for 30 days? Are you involved with al-anon, nar-anon, therapy? Have you researched addiction, addict behaviors? Have you learned as much as you can about addiction, relapse, after actions plans? Have you researched codependency, codependent relationships?

I would respect his need for time to work on himself while you work on yourself.
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Old 06-25-2017, 06:23 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
You are needing reassurance that he is not going to end this relationship. You want happily ever after rehab but that isn't always how the story ends.

This is the time that YOU need to focus on YOU. What kind of help did you seek while he was in rehab for 30 days? Are you involved with al-anon, nar-anon, therapy? Have you researched addiction, addict behaviors? Have you learned as much as you can about addiction, relapse, after actions plans? Have you researched codependency, codependent relationships?

I would respect his need for time to work on himself while you work on yourself.
Thank you everyone for your honest feedback. I actually yes, started regular therapy, have been going to nar anon once a week and I completely quit drinking so that I could deal with things I need to deal with without any kind of crutch. I have always done research on addiction and the coexisting mental disorder he suffers from. I haven't actually read about codependent relationships, I have though had thoughts that we are in one. I am trying to focus on myself and let him do the same, but it is still scary being so far away feeling like everything you've invested is at risk. I've put in a lot of myself and I'm scared that it can be ripped away in an instant. Whoever said he should be scared to lose me, you are right though.... Thank you everyone, I will keep trying to focus on myself... and just keep learning and like someone else trust in my higher power that things will work out for the best
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Old 06-25-2017, 08:09 AM
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I am trying to focus on myself and let him do the same, but it is still scary being so far away feeling like everything you've invested is at risk.
One of the things I learned after leaving my 13 year relationship was that I over invested in him and the relationship and very little into myself. That I was investing in someone who truly was not investing in himself but I was unable to see that while so emotionally entangled.

My personal experience is that investing time, energy, emotions and finances with an addict with hopes of a "normal" type long lasting relationship is like investing in an igloo farm in Florida. We had times where it all felt great and seemed to be moving forward but then it would all melt into that toxic hell once again.
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