Serious Relationship Advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3
Serious Relationship Advice
Hey all! I am 33 years old, female. I am a little over 4 months clean from 15 years of active addiction. I am heavily involved with NA - 1-2 meetings a day, sponsor, working steps, praying, etc. It is working extremely well for me. However...
I started dating my current boyfriend two years ago, at the height of my addiction. He is as straight and normal as they come. He barely drinks and has never touched drugs. I told him a year into our relationship that I needed help. He saw me through opiate withdrawals, only for me to relapse time and again. This past February, he got with my family and helped me get into a rehab.
Here's where I am having issues. I started a relationship with this man when I was totally numbed out. I honestly didn't care about anything but drugs. He was just convenient and easy to be around. Now that I'm clean...I feel differently towards him. I still love him and care deeply for him. But I'm not the same person he met two years ago.
He respects my recovery, and the amount of time I invest, which is a lot at the moment. But I can tell he gets annoyed that we don't spend as much time together. And honestly, I find myself having way more fun and enjoying life with my NA friends. Sure, my boyfriend and I have fun and enjoy being around each other. We live together, so it's unavoidable that we hang out. I just don't feel a sense of passion or chemistry with him.
I would love any advice here. I have a gut feeling that it may not work. I have to be myself and not stay with him just because it's easy. It's also tough to be with someone who is not on a journey like mine - bettering themselves. He is very content, complacent even, with his life. And he's happy that way. But I don't see him growing as a person.
❤️ Emily
I started dating my current boyfriend two years ago, at the height of my addiction. He is as straight and normal as they come. He barely drinks and has never touched drugs. I told him a year into our relationship that I needed help. He saw me through opiate withdrawals, only for me to relapse time and again. This past February, he got with my family and helped me get into a rehab.
Here's where I am having issues. I started a relationship with this man when I was totally numbed out. I honestly didn't care about anything but drugs. He was just convenient and easy to be around. Now that I'm clean...I feel differently towards him. I still love him and care deeply for him. But I'm not the same person he met two years ago.
He respects my recovery, and the amount of time I invest, which is a lot at the moment. But I can tell he gets annoyed that we don't spend as much time together. And honestly, I find myself having way more fun and enjoying life with my NA friends. Sure, my boyfriend and I have fun and enjoy being around each other. We live together, so it's unavoidable that we hang out. I just don't feel a sense of passion or chemistry with him.
I would love any advice here. I have a gut feeling that it may not work. I have to be myself and not stay with him just because it's easy. It's also tough to be with someone who is not on a journey like mine - bettering themselves. He is very content, complacent even, with his life. And he's happy that way. But I don't see him growing as a person.
❤️ Emily
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi and welcome Emmy 
I was a million different people in my first few months, so I always urge caution before any big life changing decisions
You wouldn't want to change everything now & 6 months down the track find that what you have now is what you wanted all along.
I think it's natural to want to grab hold of all the opportunities available to you as a newly sober person, but there's no rush to make decisions either is there?
Keep talking to your partner too - it's always best to keep communication open and honest I think?
D
I was a million different people in my first few months, so I always urge caution before any big life changing decisions
You wouldn't want to change everything now & 6 months down the track find that what you have now is what you wanted all along.
I think it's natural to want to grab hold of all the opportunities available to you as a newly sober person, but there's no rush to make decisions either is there?
Keep talking to your partner too - it's always best to keep communication open and honest I think?
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I'd suggest not making any rash decisions about this at the moment. In early sobriety going to AA I was kind of blown away by the honesty and the identification I found in the rooms, and was so impressed by some of the folk I met there that I (with my typical long term inability to form normal healthy relationships) thought i must be in love a couple of times back there. And those early meetings almost were like the first stages of a new relationship. Kind of heady and exciting. It was hepful in some ways as it gave me the impotus i needed to stay away from slippery people and slippery places. Thing is, it made me question my long term relationship as well. Even though the main thing that had been wrong with our relationship overvthe years was mostly me, and my behaviour.
When I got sober I learned that love is not just a feeling. Love without works is dead. That means we need to put something into it, or we don't get to feel it. Like being a river. If we damn it up by turning our attention elsewhere then we won't feel the benefit of it.
My suggestion isn't specifically about this particular relationship but more general, and that is don't throw the baby out with the bath water.
Our recovery should ENHANCE our life, not BE our life. Sure, it takes time and effort, but it is of most value when we learn tools of recovery that we can apply to the different areas of our life - our work, our leisure, our family and relationships. I hope it doesn't sound harsh to say that your recovery focus at the moment seems to be on the people and the social aspect of the meetings. Both of those things are nice parts of AA or AlAnon but be wary of thinking that they are the program. I made that mistake. The program is the 12-step recovery program worked with a sponsor. Once i started doing that work and applying it the program to all areas of my life, I didn't feel the need to ditch those areas of my life so much, because they were manageable. I stopped harbouring fantasies about the new improved AA partner I thought I needed / deserved (hahaha) or whatever. I stopped threatening my boss with letters of resignation whenever there were extra challenges for us to deal with at school. I focused on my program with a wise old sponsor and the promises gradually came true.
You don't need to make any decisions today though, or tomorrow. In early recovery we are in no fit state for new relationships (single or otherwise) anyway. We don't need to be the old impulsive, childish, selfish people we were. We can learn that if we don't know yet, we can just wait and see. And we can learn to tune into our inner foot-stamping child when it gets a fit of the I-don't-wanna going on that is in opposition to what our conscience tells us is the next best thing. Ditching jobs and people on a whim was another strand of my old desire for instant gratification. Sure, long term the relationship may not work out. We have no way of knowing that, and our normal sane partners usually have recognised that fact long before we twig it. And despite that uncertainty he was willing to go the extra mile to help you. Sometimes love might not appear exciting or romantic. It can look like someone supporting us through an illness or or wiping the other persons arse when they've had an accident. At the moment he is kind and supportive, and investing in the time that would be needed to open that river of reciprocal love back up would still need much less time than your average mum in recovery would need to set aside for her kids. Why not have a think of some places you might like to go out with him on dates and take the initiative in suggesting these. Our interests do change, but our partners are not psychic, so unless you tell him what you want to do instead he's not going to know.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
When I got sober I learned that love is not just a feeling. Love without works is dead. That means we need to put something into it, or we don't get to feel it. Like being a river. If we damn it up by turning our attention elsewhere then we won't feel the benefit of it.
My suggestion isn't specifically about this particular relationship but more general, and that is don't throw the baby out with the bath water.
Our recovery should ENHANCE our life, not BE our life. Sure, it takes time and effort, but it is of most value when we learn tools of recovery that we can apply to the different areas of our life - our work, our leisure, our family and relationships. I hope it doesn't sound harsh to say that your recovery focus at the moment seems to be on the people and the social aspect of the meetings. Both of those things are nice parts of AA or AlAnon but be wary of thinking that they are the program. I made that mistake. The program is the 12-step recovery program worked with a sponsor. Once i started doing that work and applying it the program to all areas of my life, I didn't feel the need to ditch those areas of my life so much, because they were manageable. I stopped harbouring fantasies about the new improved AA partner I thought I needed / deserved (hahaha) or whatever. I stopped threatening my boss with letters of resignation whenever there were extra challenges for us to deal with at school. I focused on my program with a wise old sponsor and the promises gradually came true.
You don't need to make any decisions today though, or tomorrow. In early recovery we are in no fit state for new relationships (single or otherwise) anyway. We don't need to be the old impulsive, childish, selfish people we were. We can learn that if we don't know yet, we can just wait and see. And we can learn to tune into our inner foot-stamping child when it gets a fit of the I-don't-wanna going on that is in opposition to what our conscience tells us is the next best thing. Ditching jobs and people on a whim was another strand of my old desire for instant gratification. Sure, long term the relationship may not work out. We have no way of knowing that, and our normal sane partners usually have recognised that fact long before we twig it. And despite that uncertainty he was willing to go the extra mile to help you. Sometimes love might not appear exciting or romantic. It can look like someone supporting us through an illness or or wiping the other persons arse when they've had an accident. At the moment he is kind and supportive, and investing in the time that would be needed to open that river of reciprocal love back up would still need much less time than your average mum in recovery would need to set aside for her kids. Why not have a think of some places you might like to go out with him on dates and take the initiative in suggesting these. Our interests do change, but our partners are not psychic, so unless you tell him what you want to do instead he's not going to know.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London
Posts: 2,040
Hi Emily,
I echo what others have said...now might not be the time to make a decision about your relationship. My own experience is that I value patience, kindness, support and a caring nature, and I would take this over passion any day.
Wishing you well on the rest of your recovery journey x
I echo what others have said...now might not be the time to make a decision about your relationship. My own experience is that I value patience, kindness, support and a caring nature, and I would take this over passion any day.
Wishing you well on the rest of your recovery journey x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3
I appreciate the responses! I value all of the input. After speaking with my sponsor, therapist, family, etc, I'm still being metaphorically punched in the face by this every single day. I live with this man. I can't just say "hey I need a time out." Maybe? It's hard because we don't have open and honest communication. I do, but he doesn't. I tell him everything and he just kinda listens. He's so nonchalant about the whole thing, it makes me wonder where he stands.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
On the one hand you say you are completely honest and open, and on the other you say you can't tell him you want time out. That's kinda contradictory.
You know, real relationships aren't all about having fun, or feeling passion or chemistry. Thats just first-throws stuff, and those feelings can be as addictive as alcohol. Sounds to me like you're still letting your AV (interestingly described in a book I'm reading at the moment as an 'outer child) stamp its feet on this and presuming that its squawking is sense.
Why not sit him down and ask him to tell you what he thinks about certain things. Maybe even book in for couples counselling (it's not just for married people). He may well not want to tell you if he thinks you are being selfish and childish though as he'll be nervous of upsetting your recovery. (And sorry if those words, selfish and childish, seem harsh - but if you are not being those things early in recovery and before doing the step work and getting some sobriety under your belt, then you must be a very unusual recovering addict.) People say don't make any big changes in the first year for a very good reason. Part of that reason is that we are still childish and selfish and want to do things for instant gratification and fun or passion or chemistry (you can also read these things as 'getting a buzz' if you like). Even if we're not drinking or using, we are still inclined to act out. We are not ready to make wise choices (i.e. choices that are likely to lead to long term happiness) as the drive is still strong in us to secure a quick fix.
It sounds to me like you're going to keep asking for peoples opinions on this til you get the answer you want. With any luck that will take a while and you won't have to live with regrets further down the line.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
You know, real relationships aren't all about having fun, or feeling passion or chemistry. Thats just first-throws stuff, and those feelings can be as addictive as alcohol. Sounds to me like you're still letting your AV (interestingly described in a book I'm reading at the moment as an 'outer child) stamp its feet on this and presuming that its squawking is sense.
Why not sit him down and ask him to tell you what he thinks about certain things. Maybe even book in for couples counselling (it's not just for married people). He may well not want to tell you if he thinks you are being selfish and childish though as he'll be nervous of upsetting your recovery. (And sorry if those words, selfish and childish, seem harsh - but if you are not being those things early in recovery and before doing the step work and getting some sobriety under your belt, then you must be a very unusual recovering addict.) People say don't make any big changes in the first year for a very good reason. Part of that reason is that we are still childish and selfish and want to do things for instant gratification and fun or passion or chemistry (you can also read these things as 'getting a buzz' if you like). Even if we're not drinking or using, we are still inclined to act out. We are not ready to make wise choices (i.e. choices that are likely to lead to long term happiness) as the drive is still strong in us to secure a quick fix.
It sounds to me like you're going to keep asking for peoples opinions on this til you get the answer you want. With any luck that will take a while and you won't have to live with regrets further down the line.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
It seems like questioning life and all that we are doing is a big part of getting sober. Relationships are work and lots of it. He may have a hard time opening up and that is something that can be worked on while you two work on the relationship. Ive been married for 7 years and with my SO for 10 years. We will always be working on something as we grow and change.
You have said that he is content with who he is and you do not see him growing as a person. Is that really truthful? What sort of growth are you looking for? How much have you personally grown in the last 4 months? How much does anyone grow in 120 days? With a 15 year active addiction, it seems like it will be sometime before leveling off into the new improved you and it seems like focusing on your day to day sobriety is essential.
What is it that you are needing from him that you are not asking for in a clear direct way?
You have said that he is content with who he is and you do not see him growing as a person. Is that really truthful? What sort of growth are you looking for? How much have you personally grown in the last 4 months? How much does anyone grow in 120 days? With a 15 year active addiction, it seems like it will be sometime before leveling off into the new improved you and it seems like focusing on your day to day sobriety is essential.
What is it that you are needing from him that you are not asking for in a clear direct way?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3
Since posting this, we have had several very honest conversations. He feels similarly. A big part of him is jealous of my time spent focusing on recovery. Another part of him wants the "old me" back, minus the drugs.
We also spoke in depth about spirituality. This is a VERY important part of my life, and it's not something he shares. And has said "never will."
I truly believe I have changed a lot in 141 days. It wasn't just a cold turkey, walk into a meeting type thing for me. I went through a week of rigorous detox and therapy and then 9 weeks of intense inpatient treatment. I am absolutely not the same person I was before that.
I am also highly dedicated and committed to my recovery. It is the most important thing in my life.
So I can understand why he's struggling as well. I'm this altered, better version of the person he met two years ago.
My HP speaks to me through gut instincts. Usually I can pack those away and deal with them when I'm ready. But this one is dead center.
We also spoke in depth about spirituality. This is a VERY important part of my life, and it's not something he shares. And has said "never will."
I truly believe I have changed a lot in 141 days. It wasn't just a cold turkey, walk into a meeting type thing for me. I went through a week of rigorous detox and therapy and then 9 weeks of intense inpatient treatment. I am absolutely not the same person I was before that.
I am also highly dedicated and committed to my recovery. It is the most important thing in my life.
So I can understand why he's struggling as well. I'm this altered, better version of the person he met two years ago.
My HP speaks to me through gut instincts. Usually I can pack those away and deal with them when I'm ready. But this one is dead center.
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