Should I stay a little longer, or should I go?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Should I stay a little longer, or should I go?
I just finished college, my graduation was a week ago.
I wanted to move out (I still live with my parents) but my mom asked me not to (for now, she says, at least until they move to another city, because they plan to do so. She says she doesn't want to deal with the moving thing by herself as my father never does a thing, and she thinks I could move to my own place after that).
The thing is, my father is ill. He was diagnosed earlier this year with acute myelofibrosis, an incurable illness that could lead to leukimia. He is stable, and he goes to his medical appointments every 15 days. It's uknown wether the treatment he currently has will help all the time, or if he'll get worse.
My parents don't have the best relationship. It's always been emotionally abusive, as my father is a recovered alcoholic (I think I talked about his alcoholism years ago in some threads here). My mom is honestly very unhappy and has devoted her life 100% to taking care of me and my older brother. I'm the only one who still lives with my parents. And now that I got graduated, I'm feeling (more than ever) the need to grow, to become more independent, and I feel like that won't happen unless I leave the house.
My mom is very restrictive with me in many ways (for example, I still have to ask for permission to go out with friends. I can't go to concerts alone with them. I've never stayed in a friends house. I can't be later than 11 pm in a party. I'm not an addict or anything, I was also an "A-grades" type of student, but nothing ever made her happier and I honestly don't think that will happen if I stay longer, either). I get it that she feels more trapped now than ever because my father has this illness, but I don't know if I should leave or not... If I were to leave, I would still be available to help them in whatever they need. It's not like I'll cut ties or anything. I just want to have a job and pay my own stuff, and to act like a responsible adult, you know? I know it sounds horrible but I also don't want to be trapped in this drama anymore, and I need to prove them and prove myself that I'm capable to take care of me. I don't want to feel guilty or to be selfish, though, so I just... I don't know what's best, I don't know what should I do.
I wanted to move out (I still live with my parents) but my mom asked me not to (for now, she says, at least until they move to another city, because they plan to do so. She says she doesn't want to deal with the moving thing by herself as my father never does a thing, and she thinks I could move to my own place after that).
The thing is, my father is ill. He was diagnosed earlier this year with acute myelofibrosis, an incurable illness that could lead to leukimia. He is stable, and he goes to his medical appointments every 15 days. It's uknown wether the treatment he currently has will help all the time, or if he'll get worse.
My parents don't have the best relationship. It's always been emotionally abusive, as my father is a recovered alcoholic (I think I talked about his alcoholism years ago in some threads here). My mom is honestly very unhappy and has devoted her life 100% to taking care of me and my older brother. I'm the only one who still lives with my parents. And now that I got graduated, I'm feeling (more than ever) the need to grow, to become more independent, and I feel like that won't happen unless I leave the house.
My mom is very restrictive with me in many ways (for example, I still have to ask for permission to go out with friends. I can't go to concerts alone with them. I've never stayed in a friends house. I can't be later than 11 pm in a party. I'm not an addict or anything, I was also an "A-grades" type of student, but nothing ever made her happier and I honestly don't think that will happen if I stay longer, either). I get it that she feels more trapped now than ever because my father has this illness, but I don't know if I should leave or not... If I were to leave, I would still be available to help them in whatever they need. It's not like I'll cut ties or anything. I just want to have a job and pay my own stuff, and to act like a responsible adult, you know? I know it sounds horrible but I also don't want to be trapped in this drama anymore, and I need to prove them and prove myself that I'm capable to take care of me. I don't want to feel guilty or to be selfish, though, so I just... I don't know what's best, I don't know what should I do.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Welcome to SR, Timetoheal.
Well, nothing needs to be decided this minute, but having a plan helps.
Also helps to know why you feel you need to stay with your parents.
Is it because your dad is ill?
Because you can be a source of support without living there.
Or is it because you don't want to rock the boat with what sounds like a controlling mom?
That's a little tougher.
Having a job is helpful. It gives you independence, which it sounds like you want and need.
So start there. Get a job.
Hopefully, one you like.
The rest should follow.
Well, nothing needs to be decided this minute, but having a plan helps.
Also helps to know why you feel you need to stay with your parents.
Is it because your dad is ill?
Because you can be a source of support without living there.
Or is it because you don't want to rock the boat with what sounds like a controlling mom?
That's a little tougher.
Having a job is helpful. It gives you independence, which it sounds like you want and need.
So start there. Get a job.
Hopefully, one you like.
The rest should follow.
Last edited by Maudcat; 06-23-2017 at 06:48 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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I would move.
My mom has Stage IV lung cancer. My dad had lymphoma and is now in remission. The LAST thing they wanted me to do was uproot my life and scale down my career to take care of them. My mom once had a prognosis of three to six days, and two years later she's still gardening and living her life. Now the prognosis is indefinite.
My mom said that when she truly needs me, she will ask me to come back. But now she doesn't, so leave her alone! Dad essentially agreed with her. (They said it much more nicely to me, no worries about that.)
I have an acquaintance who never moved out of her parents' house. When her sister wanted to start a business, she gave her the money. When her parents almost lost their house, she gave them money too. And now she and her husband can never move out, because she sacrificed her own financial well-being for her family's sake. She's in her forties, and the only time she lived outside the house when she was in college. I'm sure she thought to herself "I'll just have to stick it out for a couple of months and then I'll move out." But that time never came for her, even AFTER she got married. Her parents and sister got so used to being dependent on her now that it just seems too late. You don't want the same fate.
I would suggest that if you do move out, you give your mom some sort of schedule so she doesn't have to be on call with your dad 24/7. And honestly, if you do move out, and you find out that they truly need you, you can always move back home. It's not like you're getting married - you're just finding an apartment.
My personal opinion here: If your mom sacrificed 100% of her life to you and her brother with the expectation you would be willing to sacrifice your independence at the snap of her fingers, honestly that's her problem not yours (I know, easily said than done). I can only say, speaking as a parent myself, if I knew that my son was sacrificing his independence and his twenties to take care of me, I would be heartbroken and I wouldn't want him to do it. The whole point of raising him is so that he can become a contributing member of society and he can find as much joy from his life as I did from mine (so far).
My mom has Stage IV lung cancer. My dad had lymphoma and is now in remission. The LAST thing they wanted me to do was uproot my life and scale down my career to take care of them. My mom once had a prognosis of three to six days, and two years later she's still gardening and living her life. Now the prognosis is indefinite.
My mom said that when she truly needs me, she will ask me to come back. But now she doesn't, so leave her alone! Dad essentially agreed with her. (They said it much more nicely to me, no worries about that.)
I have an acquaintance who never moved out of her parents' house. When her sister wanted to start a business, she gave her the money. When her parents almost lost their house, she gave them money too. And now she and her husband can never move out, because she sacrificed her own financial well-being for her family's sake. She's in her forties, and the only time she lived outside the house when she was in college. I'm sure she thought to herself "I'll just have to stick it out for a couple of months and then I'll move out." But that time never came for her, even AFTER she got married. Her parents and sister got so used to being dependent on her now that it just seems too late. You don't want the same fate.
I would suggest that if you do move out, you give your mom some sort of schedule so she doesn't have to be on call with your dad 24/7. And honestly, if you do move out, and you find out that they truly need you, you can always move back home. It's not like you're getting married - you're just finding an apartment.
My personal opinion here: If your mom sacrificed 100% of her life to you and her brother with the expectation you would be willing to sacrifice your independence at the snap of her fingers, honestly that's her problem not yours (I know, easily said than done). I can only say, speaking as a parent myself, if I knew that my son was sacrificing his independence and his twenties to take care of me, I would be heartbroken and I wouldn't want him to do it. The whole point of raising him is so that he can become a contributing member of society and he can find as much joy from his life as I did from mine (so far).
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I stayed to take care of my mother and my mother's emotional health a long time. I missed many opportunities because I lived in mom's house. When I finally moved out mom did fine. Our relationship was even better because I didn't have the stress.
Stay focused on your desires in this life.
Stay focused on your desires in this life.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi TTH, I think it's obvious you should go, but what is stopping you? Is it fear of a scene or how your mother will react if you go?
The restrictions she puts on you (college graduate) show her as a controlling person, and you're probably not going to change that in her, but the fact that you haven't rebelled makes me think you've probably gone along with it to keep the peace, and it might be difficult for you to stand up to her at this stage.
Seeing you want to move out, it might be helpful to talk to a counsellor about how you can do this while still keeping a long-term relationship with your mother, because she's probably going to put up a fight and you it will help to know how to respond.
If you can't afford to see someone, can I suggest a book called 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty'? Its on Amazon and had several chapters on coping with controlling family members, including scripts you can practice with.
If you are able to assert yourself with your controlling mother you might be surprised to see your relationship improving as she begins to see you as an adult.
The restrictions she puts on you (college graduate) show her as a controlling person, and you're probably not going to change that in her, but the fact that you haven't rebelled makes me think you've probably gone along with it to keep the peace, and it might be difficult for you to stand up to her at this stage.
Seeing you want to move out, it might be helpful to talk to a counsellor about how you can do this while still keeping a long-term relationship with your mother, because she's probably going to put up a fight and you it will help to know how to respond.
If you can't afford to see someone, can I suggest a book called 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty'? Its on Amazon and had several chapters on coping with controlling family members, including scripts you can practice with.
If you are able to assert yourself with your controlling mother you might be surprised to see your relationship improving as she begins to see you as an adult.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I would HIGHLY recommend your going ahead and moving out. I would recommend that even if all the other stuff weren't going on (all the unhealthy dynamics)--I graduated from college a million years ago (or so it seems--1978), and the MINUTE my probationary first job became permanent I found my own place. I had a GREAT relationship with my parents, but like you, I wanted to be a grownup--independent. I understand the economy now isn't what it was like then, but I am shocked by the number of young people who WANT to stay at home with mom and dad. I furnished my first place with stuff from yard sales and a few things like bedroom furniture that I brought from home. I remember proudly buying my one new piece of furniture--as screamingly ugly yellow dinette set that I think I paid less than a hundred bucks for. There is something truly satisfying about paying your own bills and buying your own groceries. You haven't mentioned a job, though--do you have one lined up?
As you said, you are available to help your folks with anything they need. It kinda sounds like your mom wants you around as sort of a buffer. That isn't your job, though. It will be too bad if she is upset about your moving out, but hopefully she will just get past that. If she doesn't, it's really her problem and not yours.
As you said, you are available to help your folks with anything they need. It kinda sounds like your mom wants you around as sort of a buffer. That isn't your job, though. It will be too bad if she is upset about your moving out, but hopefully she will just get past that. If she doesn't, it's really her problem and not yours.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
This actually might be common in some cultures. Your situation reminds me a lot of mine, when I was a college "kid" (we for example leave our parent's nest when we marry). It is like you are an adult, legally, but you are not exactly treated like one; it is like you have these obligations imposed on you, almost like unwritten rules you are supposed to follow.
I strongly believe that the healthiest thing for you is start building your own life and yes, move out. It is not like you are abandoning anyone. You have right to be an individual.
I strongly believe that the healthiest thing for you is start building your own life and yes, move out. It is not like you are abandoning anyone. You have right to be an individual.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Timetoheal, you wrote this a while back...
I wrote my first post before I read your old ones. Now that I have, I definitely stand by my recommendation.
Just because she's your mom doesn't mean she's right 100% of the time. One of the tragic things about my sister is that she's constantly seeking my mom's approval, even though she often acts in ways that practically guarantees disapproval. My sister is financially dependent on my mother, so my mom's criticism strikes her particularly hard. It reinforces my sister's shame.
And my mom can criticize ANYTHING. What restaurants to go to, the makeup you (don't) wear, the dresses you should wear, the food you should eat, etc. etc. I learned to tune her out a long time ago, and she KNOWS that I tuned her out a long time ago. But there is no longer anything at stake. I'm not looking for her acceptance, and she isn't asking me to prove my love to her. She tells me I should lose weight at the same time she tells me not to exercise so much, I say whatever, and then we talk about the TV show we're watching.
I haven't met your mom, but I suspect that she equates obedience with love and that isn't going to get her anywhere at all. I also get the sense that you're still unsure of yourself, so your mom's advice rankles in a way that it shouldn't. Like hearthealth said, your relationship with your mom may actually improve after you move out. Mine certainly did.
My mom has always had this way of "suggesting" how to do things after I tell her what I do. It feels as she is always trying to correct me, in every little thing I do or say, and if I try to disengage from this, she gets mad at me. Am I being immature?
I don't want to be like my alcoholic dad. She makes me feel that I am like him...
I don't want to be like my alcoholic dad. She makes me feel that I am like him...
Just because she's your mom doesn't mean she's right 100% of the time. One of the tragic things about my sister is that she's constantly seeking my mom's approval, even though she often acts in ways that practically guarantees disapproval. My sister is financially dependent on my mother, so my mom's criticism strikes her particularly hard. It reinforces my sister's shame.
And my mom can criticize ANYTHING. What restaurants to go to, the makeup you (don't) wear, the dresses you should wear, the food you should eat, etc. etc. I learned to tune her out a long time ago, and she KNOWS that I tuned her out a long time ago. But there is no longer anything at stake. I'm not looking for her acceptance, and she isn't asking me to prove my love to her. She tells me I should lose weight at the same time she tells me not to exercise so much, I say whatever, and then we talk about the TV show we're watching.
I haven't met your mom, but I suspect that she equates obedience with love and that isn't going to get her anywhere at all. I also get the sense that you're still unsure of yourself, so your mom's advice rankles in a way that it shouldn't. Like hearthealth said, your relationship with your mom may actually improve after you move out. Mine certainly did.
Last edited by PuzzledHeart; 06-24-2017 at 10:19 AM. Reason: Grammar
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
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I have a cautionary tale about living at home with parents also. My BIL was only 3 when his father died (my AH was 12). My AH felt the need to leave home at 18 and joined the service. My MIL/BIL formed a very unhealthy symbiotic bond. She criticized and demeaned him with one hand but with the other provided him all his basic needs. Never encouraged him to get a degree. Never told him he had to get his butt in gear and get another job when he got fired.
So at one point he decided to pursue his dream and go to San Diego to check it out, maybe even to live there. He stayed with friends for a couple of months, checking out job opportunities. Meanwhile, his mother would say "You'll never stick it out." or "I miss you so much."
His life is basically ruined at this point. He's 55 years old. His mother died 7 years go, leaving him with absolutely NO life skills. He can't do a thing without anyone telling him to do it. He blew through the little money she left him like no tomorrow. He has virtually nothing in social security and no retirement savings. He's scared and desperate right now.
I know you're nothing like my BIL, but I agree with PuzzledHeart: parents should foster independence in their children. If they act like they possess you, being around them too long is like walking too close to the quicksand--it's easy to get sucked in.
Get an apartment close by and check in on them, but maintain your distance.
So at one point he decided to pursue his dream and go to San Diego to check it out, maybe even to live there. He stayed with friends for a couple of months, checking out job opportunities. Meanwhile, his mother would say "You'll never stick it out." or "I miss you so much."
His life is basically ruined at this point. He's 55 years old. His mother died 7 years go, leaving him with absolutely NO life skills. He can't do a thing without anyone telling him to do it. He blew through the little money she left him like no tomorrow. He has virtually nothing in social security and no retirement savings. He's scared and desperate right now.
I know you're nothing like my BIL, but I agree with PuzzledHeart: parents should foster independence in their children. If they act like they possess you, being around them too long is like walking too close to the quicksand--it's easy to get sucked in.
Get an apartment close by and check in on them, but maintain your distance.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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I think it's wonderful that you want to start a life of your own and your mom should think so, too. In a healthy relationship, she would view it as validation of her parenting that she raised an independent adult...that's what parents are supposed to do.
She's chosen to spend her life this way. But you now get to choose how to spend yours.
Sending you a hug.
She's chosen to spend her life this way. But you now get to choose how to spend yours.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Congratulations college grad!!! That is awesome and this is an exciting time for you and YES some growth.
I know you love your mom and I know your mom has done everything for you out of love but some where along the way, she lost the responsibility to love herself, to create her own life separate from her children's and husbands life. Alcoholism can do that to people and so can codependency.
You don't have to make that same mistake with your life. You need to work through feeling obligated for your mothers happiness in life. And you need to work through guilt for wanting and needing your own life separate from hers.
I would focus on finding a job, getting some benefits, maybe seeking some counseling, therapy to help you work through some stuff. Save some money for a deposit and security on your own place and set a goal and time frame for when you would like to be out on your own regardless of whether or not they actually move. And its probably best NOT to discuss these plans with mom ahead of time, just do what you need to with finding a job. One step at a time and it will all fall into place when it's meant to.
My mom is honestly very unhappy and has devoted her life 100% to taking care of me and my older brother.
You don't have to make that same mistake with your life. You need to work through feeling obligated for your mothers happiness in life. And you need to work through guilt for wanting and needing your own life separate from hers.
I would focus on finding a job, getting some benefits, maybe seeking some counseling, therapy to help you work through some stuff. Save some money for a deposit and security on your own place and set a goal and time frame for when you would like to be out on your own regardless of whether or not they actually move. And its probably best NOT to discuss these plans with mom ahead of time, just do what you need to with finding a job. One step at a time and it will all fall into place when it's meant to.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
how would your mom manage if she didn't have kids?
all that control over you and your whereabouts takes up TIME.....and focus. you've graduated college, for pete's sake....you SHOULD be out on your own. not beholden to your mom. mom guilt is SO damaging.
all that control over you and your whereabouts takes up TIME.....and focus. you've graduated college, for pete's sake....you SHOULD be out on your own. not beholden to your mom. mom guilt is SO damaging.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
As always, I'm very glad I came here for some input, you all have been very helpful and I'm really grateful for everyone's words.
I am now even more under the conviction to move to my own place ASAP.
I don't have a job still, but I'm looking for one in another city (I've already got some offers but I'm not convinced about those because they are for work in my current city. It's not because of my parents that I don't want to stay here, but because it's a very small town and people don't get much opportunities to grow as professionists in my career here). The one in where I'm hoping to get a job is where I'd like to move (it's only 2 hours away from where I currently live, so I don't get my mom's reaction, if I do get the job I won't even be that far away from them, she somehow makes it sound as if we'll never see each other again or something).
I also already found an affordable place to rent, and I do have some money saved (I used to walk and train dogs during sumer vacations when I was still a student, lol, and I earned/saved some money from that) so the only thing I need is to get a job.
I am now even more under the conviction to move to my own place ASAP.
I don't have a job still, but I'm looking for one in another city (I've already got some offers but I'm not convinced about those because they are for work in my current city. It's not because of my parents that I don't want to stay here, but because it's a very small town and people don't get much opportunities to grow as professionists in my career here). The one in where I'm hoping to get a job is where I'd like to move (it's only 2 hours away from where I currently live, so I don't get my mom's reaction, if I do get the job I won't even be that far away from them, she somehow makes it sound as if we'll never see each other again or something).
I also already found an affordable place to rent, and I do have some money saved (I used to walk and train dogs during sumer vacations when I was still a student, lol, and I earned/saved some money from that) so the only thing I need is to get a job.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12 
It's not because of my parents that I don't want to stay here, but because it's a very small town and people don't get much opportunities to grow as professionists in my career here.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
^^^^THIS.
It took me several months for me to move out of my parents' place after graduation, and believe me I was counting. every. single. second. until I could get out. It wasn't because I hated them. It was because I knew where I belonged, and it sure as hell wasn't the small town where I came from.
Good luck with the job search! One piece of unsolicited advice - mention in your cover letters that you have every intention of moving to that city. Sometimes employers get weird about "out-of-town" applicants.
It took me several months for me to move out of my parents' place after graduation, and believe me I was counting. every. single. second. until I could get out. It wasn't because I hated them. It was because I knew where I belonged, and it sure as hell wasn't the small town where I came from.
Good luck with the job search! One piece of unsolicited advice - mention in your cover letters that you have every intention of moving to that city. Sometimes employers get weird about "out-of-town" applicants.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I gotta admit, I'd forgotten your username, and had to go back and read some of your previous threads--you changed your avatar, which is sometimes how I recognize people! I like the new one, and a quick glance at the previous threads reminded me who you were.
I am SUPER proud of everything you've accomplished. I think you are an AMAZING young lady who is making good decisions for a happy, responsible adulthood.
Just wanted to tell ya that--you're awesome.
I am SUPER proud of everything you've accomplished. I think you are an AMAZING young lady who is making good decisions for a happy, responsible adulthood.
Just wanted to tell ya that--you're awesome.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Stay if you want to stay, go if you want to go, but set some boundaries with your mother if you are going to stay. First and foremost, if she wants you to stay then you will come and go as you please because you are an adult.
Let her know that, out of respect for her, if that does not work for her the only choice is for you to live on your own. She gets to pick-- you stay and she respects that you come and go as you please and interact as equal adults, or you go and help with your father when you are willing and able.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
Let her know that, out of respect for her, if that does not work for her the only choice is for you to live on your own. She gets to pick-- you stay and she respects that you come and go as you please and interact as equal adults, or you go and help with your father when you are willing and able.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Update: Just minutes ago, my mom has forbid me to leave/get my own place until we all move to another city.
In a way I think she might be right because I still don't have a stable job.
But I really feel very, very limitated and screwed living here
In a way I think she might be right because I still don't have a stable job.
But I really feel very, very limitated and screwed living here
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