bobbye7

where to start. i'm new to the boards. my 39-year-old son has put himself in -- and subsequently dropped out -- of va rehab programs for the past 2-3 years. recently, he was in a good job training program in new york state but messed up his chances by going back to drinking & winding up in jail for 4 months. during that time, he decided he would go back into the rehab program once released, but unfortunately, because he is $11,000 behind in child support in kentucky, he is now headed back to jail in this state. he could've avoided that by calling the authorities to alert them that he was in rehab & unemployed!
i stopped bailing him out a long time ago, altho' i do occasionally help him here a little -- i.e., buying him a bus ticket to go into rehab. my question is this:should i pay the $1,800 he owes his attorney so he could have private representation
or should i let him suffer the consequences of his choices and make do with a public defender? his attorney has already said there's not much he could do but "beg" for him, since my son received a probated 3-year sentence for being in arrears previously. he thinks my son will have to come up with $5,000-$6,000 in child support to avoid 2 years in jail. there's no way i would pay his child support, but is it worth it to pay the attorney? i feel very torn
and guilty. any advice would be appreciated.

Rose56

Welcome Bobbye7. I am so glad you are here. This message board has been such a life saver for me over the past two years.

It seems from your post that you know what you need to do in the situation, but you are struggling with the guilt demon. You know that he needs to take responsibility for his actions, that unless he does this the chances of his recovering and building a meaningful life are small. But the guilt gets in the way of this knowledge. Why? Because we all want the very best for our children. We want to help them in any way we can. Also we feel responsible for their success. Please know that every person has responsibility for their own choices, we can be the best mothers, but there is no guarentee that the child will make the best choices. You are not at fault. It fact there is no fault. There is just "what is".

Boy am I long winded this morning. I suggest you follow your heart and do not pay for the attorney. I also suggest that you get additional support for you. This is a very hard circumstance to deal with. Go to face to face alanon meetings, get a sponcer, call alanon members in between meetings, read alanon literature, and come here as often as you need to vent and share with us. Because we care. We are there with you. My prayers are with you and your son.

Magichappens

Hi Bobbye7,
Welcome. I don't have kids, and won't begin to give you any advice. But there are many here who are successfully learning how to cope with a child with addiction. Glad you joined us. Keep coming back. Be sure to check out the powerposts at the top of the forum.

You may want to get some support from an Al-Anon group in your area. To find a meeting, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting." Hugs and prayers, Magic

Karivan

Hi bobbye7. I know exactly what you mean. My son is doing drugs and drinking and I don't have a phone number for him right now. I have to turn this over to my HP and work on my own healing. My son is 26 and needs to be responsible for his own actions. I hope and pray that he finds recovery but he has to do it himself. I did call my exH last night because the last thing I heard, over 3 weeks ago, was that my son is living with my exH's maintenance mans brother. I asked him to ask his maintenance man if my son was still there. Not to have him call me or anything. I would just feel better if I had an idea of where he was.

I wouldn't pay for his attorney... or anything else. If they don't learn the consequences of their actions now... when will they? I think that my son was bailed out so many times by my exH and myself that he expected it to happen again. This time neither of us is willing. He has alienated his family and his best friends and now he's paying the price.

Read the post from Jon in Archives on this web site. It gives you chills.

Take care and keep posting. We're here for you. hugs

bobbye7

i think rose hit the nail on the head when she said i seem to already know what i need to do. i have to remember his history. when he dropped out of this last rehab program, i was absolutely furious because he'd seemed to be doing so well and i had been so encouraged. during that time, i was very supportive, sending him socks and underwear and a few dollars every now and then to buy cokes. i told myself then, that's it! no more! not one nickel! but since he's been in jail and had lots of time to think, he really seems to be ready to get back into rehab. now he's facing a two-year sentence and who knows what will happen to him during that or if he can get back into rehab. like you, karivan, i've gone for months and months not hearing a word from him when he doesn't need something from me. he "says" he'll never forget how faithful i've been writing to him in jail, but who knows how long that will last?

JT

Bobby...my son is in jail and I am helping to raise his son, my precious grandson. My son and yours should be accepting their responsibility as parents and I would never spend one dime to get him out of that or spare him the consequences.

My son doesn't have anyone suing him for child support but that isn't keeping him out of jail. He is finding his way there anyway. From jail to rehab to home to jail and to rehab...it is a never ending circle that never seems to end. He too has worn out his family and friends.

Make yourself at home here...there is a ton of support, plenty of other mom's in your shoes and lot's of information.

Hugs,
JT

Dee at Mt Bully

Bobby7 you really do have a handle on this. You answered your own question when you said that he could have avoided the child support problem with a phone call or two. I know it's hard when it's your baby boy. No matter how big or how old they
are it's still the Mom and baby boy. Your in a good place Bobby. People care. I'll
ask my HP for some serenity for you. Be strong--Dee

bobbye7

everyone seems to be in agreement that i should let my son experience the consequences of his behavior. i'm going to see my therapist today & i have a strong feeling he'll say the same thing. also, i plan to go to my first al-anon meeting next week. i know this is the right thing to do but still i feel so awful, thinking about him sitting behind bars for two years. i'm just trying really hard to find something positive about the situation, some hope. the only thing that comes to mind is that he'll have to do his time the way he does recovery -- one day at a time.

JT

Bobby....alot of the things I worried about, the things that I was sure were going to happen never came to pass. Ride it out and let his life happen for him..

Hugs,
JT

Dee at Mt Bully

Bobby--good for you. I'm sure that jail sounds scary but that to will pass. Yea
your first Alanon meeting. My first couple of meetings I was confused and a
spectator but keep going and all of a sudden you'll be a part of the meeting
and you'll find a great family of support. Just don't leave us behind (lol).
Smiles--Dee