My daughter
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2
My daughter
Hi everyone, i am looking for some advice please. I have a meeting with my daughter on monday and i would like to explain to her through an analogy so that she can understand why i turned to alcohol for the time period i did. We are going through a course called "think family" and she is only 9 years old. I would like to try and making it as simple as possible maybe to do with sweet or something she has in her like.. i turned to alcohol because i went through a very tramantic time and alot of people died in my life around the time and was in a very voilent relationship so i lost myself and have taken 2 years to get myself back to me.. can anyone help me with a good analogy or metaphor that a child could understand x
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome!
What I know is that it's very, very hard for others to understand alcoholism and, in my opinion, I would not talk to a 9 year old about why your turned to alcohol. I understand your desire and need to do so. I felt the same way too. But, I cannot imagine a 9 year old understanding this situation. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to be the best mother you can be. Apologize briefly to your family and then work on your recovery. Your daughter will see the change.
What I know is that it's very, very hard for others to understand alcoholism and, in my opinion, I would not talk to a 9 year old about why your turned to alcohol. I understand your desire and need to do so. I felt the same way too. But, I cannot imagine a 9 year old understanding this situation. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to be the best mother you can be. Apologize briefly to your family and then work on your recovery. Your daughter will see the change.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Morrisville, NC
Posts: 45
I agree with just being the best mother moving forward. I told my girls briefly when I went to rehab that I was going away to learn to be healthier and exercise etc. I came home and went on more walks with them etc. they now don't ask about why I'm sleepy or sleeping on couch etc. kids are smart and I don't think you should lie to them but I think it's too much at this age. My mother used to confide in my Brother and I when we were that age about my dad and drinking etc. To this day I feel like she should have nevered brought us into her "adult" issues. Anyway. Good job on being a good mama. 
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
zen,
I don't know the right answer for sure....
I have been hanging around this site for over 2 years so what I am offering is probably based on some feedback that I got from someone that has experience in this area.
Stay clean. After about a month it is a mental thing. But, as you know, the mental thing wears us down if we do not stay active, as required, in our sobriety lifestyle.
All the talk, all the promises, excuses become pathetic words. I have not relapsed and I basically personally told nobody directly I was quitting.
Nonetheless, everybody I know, everybody...expects me to relapse. From my wife to my dad, my worst enemy to my best friend.
My wife challenges me periodically...do I smell booze on your breath....Where have you been hiding all day.
My son asks me...why are you taking those pills? (vitamins).
Whatever, I don't care about all that. If I want to be a drunk, I will be...no matter what.
But, I want to be clean...and I will be...no matter what.
I give a hoot what other people think or do. Sobriety has given me that.
As for your daughter, tell her that you were a drunk (mommy drank too much). Then tell her you don't anymore.
The main thing is give her a fighting chance to know that booze is poison.
If you relapse, that is the hell of addiction. The insanity of it.
Folks kill themselves over this stuff.
Hope this helps.
Thanks.
I don't know the right answer for sure....
I have been hanging around this site for over 2 years so what I am offering is probably based on some feedback that I got from someone that has experience in this area.
Stay clean. After about a month it is a mental thing. But, as you know, the mental thing wears us down if we do not stay active, as required, in our sobriety lifestyle.
All the talk, all the promises, excuses become pathetic words. I have not relapsed and I basically personally told nobody directly I was quitting.
Nonetheless, everybody I know, everybody...expects me to relapse. From my wife to my dad, my worst enemy to my best friend.
My wife challenges me periodically...do I smell booze on your breath....Where have you been hiding all day.
My son asks me...why are you taking those pills? (vitamins).
Whatever, I don't care about all that. If I want to be a drunk, I will be...no matter what.
But, I want to be clean...and I will be...no matter what.
I give a hoot what other people think or do. Sobriety has given me that.
As for your daughter, tell her that you were a drunk (mommy drank too much). Then tell her you don't anymore.
The main thing is give her a fighting chance to know that booze is poison.
If you relapse, that is the hell of addiction. The insanity of it.
Folks kill themselves over this stuff.
Hope this helps.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
I also agree I would keep it to yourself, at least for now. When she's older, you can perhaps speak about when she's more capable of understanding.
Leave the mistakes in the past and move forward with being the best you that you can be for your child.
Leave the mistakes in the past and move forward with being the best you that you can be for your child.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
My advice would be to talk to a counselor about how to handle this best or one of the course facilitators.
I don't know how much I agree with not saying anything to her about it, at 9 years old and having dealt with a traumatic event in my life my parents glossed over the details and told me practically nothing, even though I understood and knew just enough to have it end up shredding my trust of adults and blaming myself for everything and all the blanks I filled in. It was an awful way to grow up, I was abandoned and deceived or shoved in the dark.
I really, really think this is one for the professionals. I never lied to my kids about my problems, not my older ones anyways, they were directly affected by it. My youngest came to treatment with me. It's likely she won't have any memory of me drinking and none of the traumatizing stuff.
You should not burden her with the weight of your own traumas. Some things are really best left to talk about if she inquires as an adult and if you are prepared to talk about it.
No one will have the right or perfect answer for you. You know your daughter better than anyone. And yourself and where you're at.
I hope you can find a good direction in this. No matter what, I know you will do your best to do what's best for her. Remember, you are taking care of yourself so think of this as how to do it in the best interest of HER. If that is leaving the talking alone and living your best life forward, so bit. I wish you all the best!
I don't know how much I agree with not saying anything to her about it, at 9 years old and having dealt with a traumatic event in my life my parents glossed over the details and told me practically nothing, even though I understood and knew just enough to have it end up shredding my trust of adults and blaming myself for everything and all the blanks I filled in. It was an awful way to grow up, I was abandoned and deceived or shoved in the dark.
I really, really think this is one for the professionals. I never lied to my kids about my problems, not my older ones anyways, they were directly affected by it. My youngest came to treatment with me. It's likely she won't have any memory of me drinking and none of the traumatizing stuff.
You should not burden her with the weight of your own traumas. Some things are really best left to talk about if she inquires as an adult and if you are prepared to talk about it.
No one will have the right or perfect answer for you. You know your daughter better than anyone. And yourself and where you're at.
I hope you can find a good direction in this. No matter what, I know you will do your best to do what's best for her. Remember, you are taking care of yourself so think of this as how to do it in the best interest of HER. If that is leaving the talking alone and living your best life forward, so bit. I wish you all the best!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I agree completely with saying something, maybe apologizing to your daughter. But, I don't think a 9 year should be expected to understand what happened in your life to make you turn to alcohol. It's hard for most adults to wrap their heads around why we made the choices we did.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2
Thanks for your feeback guys. But i have been set a tasks through a griup i do.. ive been sober now for over a year but cos my daughter experienced alot hurt when i was drinking theu want me to explain to her why i did what i did... so that she understands x
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
I don't know you or your child but I see this as a perfect teaching moment. The last thing I would be doing is making excuses for my drinking by trying to analogize to make her understand.
Here's simplicity.
There are things in life that happen to us where we have a decision. Maybe we are hurt, or angry because of something that happened. We can either find healthy ways to deal with things or we can do the wrong thing which is drinking to try to make ourselves forget what happened or to make it go away. Drinking doesn't make things go away, it stops us from dealing with things we don't like and makes us hold onto the hurt and the anger. Drinking will never make us feel better or solve a problem, it will only make it worse.
Admit that you chose the wrong way and now you're learning how to handle things the right way.
By doing this you're teaching her accountability through your own. At the same time you're letting her know that alcohol will never be the answer and pointing out that the work you're doing now is the right way to handle things.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you.
I would like to try and making it as simple as possible maybe to do with sweet or something she has in her like.. i turned to alcohol because i went through a very tramantic time and alot of people died in my life around the time and was in a very voilent relationship so i lost myself and have taken 2 years to get myself back to me.. can anyone help me with a good analogy or metaphor that a child could understand x
There are things in life that happen to us where we have a decision. Maybe we are hurt, or angry because of something that happened. We can either find healthy ways to deal with things or we can do the wrong thing which is drinking to try to make ourselves forget what happened or to make it go away. Drinking doesn't make things go away, it stops us from dealing with things we don't like and makes us hold onto the hurt and the anger. Drinking will never make us feel better or solve a problem, it will only make it worse.
Admit that you chose the wrong way and now you're learning how to handle things the right way.
By doing this you're teaching her accountability through your own. At the same time you're letting her know that alcohol will never be the answer and pointing out that the work you're doing now is the right way to handle things.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you.
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