MarieCat

After I kicked him out two weeks ago - the alcoholic is now spam texting our adult kids telling them how much he loves them and misses them. The oldest mentioned that one text wasn't going to make everything better, and there was no indication of a "sorry" or acknowledgement of how he had been behaving. The other two are sending him supportive loving messages back.

This has really thrown me and I'm struggling to cope. And no mention of course regarding me and how he has hurt me.

I know I am being self centred here - but it hurts!

AnvilheadII

alcoholic is now spam texting our adult kids

ADULT kids.....they now get to receive and respond to your AH, you, the world at large as THEY deem fit. they are allowed to have their own thoughts and feelings and affiliations - even IF they differ from yours.

i know it feels like a traitorous act....but remember yo are both their parents. and they have dealt with and assimilated having an alcoholic for a guardian. it's like the house in a constant state of remodel, with tools and stacks of wood and laminate all over the place and you HAVE to learn to navigate thru the mess. just as you did. you are all survivors.

give your children the dignity to move thru this. don't take it personal. hold firm to your own truths.

LexieCat

Let your kids make their own decisions about what they want to do about communications from dad. And I really suggest you tell them you'd rather not hear about what he has to say. It will save you a lot of hurt and aggravation.

Are you going to Al-Anon?

MarieCat

Yes I know I have to distance myself from the kids relationship with their father. It is just so hard right now!
But I just wish people would let him fall and stop picking him up. Then he might have a chance at realising he needs to get help and change? How can he ever get better if others keep propping him up and sympathising with him?

AnvilheadII

marie - you have to let go of this "dream" that he will GET BETTER. assume that how he is - and has been - is how he CHOOSES to be.

your thoughts of ''better" mean a wholesale change for HIM....that he will become somebody else - someone who is thoughtful, considerate, compassionate, sober and true. someone he is NOT.

it is what it is.

dandylion

MarieCat...did you ever prop him up...or pick him up....or sympathize with him...or enable him in some way...?
I ask, sincerely, because I don't know you and your story.....
I know that lots of people on this forum have a history of doing those things with their alcoholic loved ones...I know that I have been guilty.....

If there is a chance that you did do any of that...are these people, who are doing the same, any different?

LexieCat

It's not your job to manage other people. Or his relationships with them. And there's no guarantee that he would have this epiphany if people behaved the way you would like them to.

I'd suggest focusing on your own recovery. Better return on your investment.

PhoenixJ

You have no control over what is sent to and thus read by your adult children. I know you hurt and would like acknowledgement of that (I think so, at least).
You can control (with time) how you firstly- act rather than react to such contact from your ex. The thought defines the emotion which influences the action. Empathy and support to you.
Addiction REALLY does suck.

FallenAngelina

A question for you:

How will you ever get better when your focus is on your husband's problems and his relationship with your children? What is your recovery program? Who are your support people? What is your wellness routine? What spirituality/religion/Mother Nature nourishes you and serves your soul?