Caprigirl

My husband and I have been separated for three months. We have been married for fourteen years and thankfully he decided he needed to enter rehab 2 years ago. While in rehab, he came clean about multiple infidelities (3 one night stands and just the magnitude of his addiction). I was blind to a lot and it was painful to realize. We did a bit of marriage counseling and decided to go forth, together. He successfully completed treatment (4 months). A year into his recovery, he relapsed. He began drinking more and more frequently. He stopped going to meetings or seeking any help for his disease. This gave me anxiety and I would become sooo guarded but compulsive as well. About three months ago, I went off telling him I could not continue this way. I wanted us to get help but instead, he moved out. He told me he didn't want to continue hurting me or our 2 children. After about two months of separation, he agreed to join me for couples counseling, but he stopped going after the second meeting. He said he would be living a lie, because he thought we would never get to a better place. He told me that he will always love me and that he wants me to be happy. I have to say that life at home has been more peaceful since he left. I began going to Alanon meetings, learning about co-dependance, and seeing a therapist (I should have done this earlier, don't know if it would have made a difference for our relationship). I speak very openly with my children and am seeking Alateen meetings for them.We spent Father's Day together and he kept repeating that he was very happy I was there; he was also very attentive. I find myself slowly letting go, but on days like those when I get a glimpse of the man I fell in love with, it's just hard. I see him spiraling into the abyss and want to rescue. He hasn't contacted our kids since, which is highly unlike him. My codependent heart wants to go make sure he's fine. He is the father to my children and I would feel devastated if something happened to him due to lack of intervention (we have no family here). However, my detaching brain says to let go and let God. This is my most recent dilemma.

Maudcat

Hi, Caprigirl. Welcome to SR. Glad you found us.
Your story, sadly, is not an uncommon one around here.
I would say, keep doing what you are doing. Love your kids, be your best self as much as you can, and let your husband walk his path.
Good thoughts coming your way.

Surviving2016

I don't feel competent to give advice, because I'm in the throes of everything currently. But I wanted to say your post resonates with me SO much.

My AH and I have been separated for 9 months, his choice as well. So much of what your AH says to you sounds exactly like what mine says to me--wants me to be happy, wants to stop hurting us, etc.

And I'm struggling immensely with letting go. We still spend time together as a family when he's sober, and at those times he's the man I've known and loved, and it's hard to separate the two at this point. I even believe him when he says he wants to try again and make things work. I actually do think he means it to a point, but the addiction has the stronger hold right now.

I have found with time it gets a bit easier to not panic when he doesn't contact me. Not having it in the house is a huge relief, and I try to focus on the fact that I can do whatever I want without the anxiety of him being around.

I also have 2 kids, and mine has been unfaithful to me as well. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but you're not alone. Hugs, and prayers.

Caprigirl

Thank you Maudcat and Surviving2016. I do feel as if he is struggling to choose his family vs. his addiction and the latter, sadly, has a stronger hold on him. I will continue to focus on my children and myself.

PhoenixJ

CapG..addiction sucks. We all have thoughts and feelings. There is no crime in that- they are not right or wrong...they just are. What we do with those thoughts/feelings by making decisions and the actions we take- that is the game changer. Ride the emotions through, let them have their 'say'. The think about what decisions are best for you- with guidance. The final decisions are yours alone though. Listen to everyone- but ignore all their advice. Good stuff on having support for YOU.

aliciagr

It sounds like you have general care and concern, and hope that he seeks treatment. In my book that is not codependency. Its your choice to let go and let God, or to decide what role you will play in encouraging treatment options. In therapy are you working on techniques to deal with the anxiety you feel? I found the key for me has been to work on my own coping skills, and anxiety through the use of therapy. I didnt really want to avoid interactions, but just handle them better, and feel calm about them.

My husband was unfaithful also while using. Its really hard and Im sorry you've also had to experience it. We did marriage counseling for a while and are thinking about starting again maybe with more of a Christian counselor. I was wondering how your interactions were while you were doing counseling the first time vs the second time after the relapse?

shockozulu

I recommend to you what I recommend to my fellow alcoholics when they get the urge to relapse. When you have these good times and begin to "romance" only the good parts you see play that record through. In your head go from the good memory to what it was like when he was home and drunk, when he admitted he cheated on you and all the feelings you went through during those revelations.

Suddenly everything isn't so peachy keen. As a co-dependent I needed to do this a number of times while I worked my program until eventually the urges stopped and reality set in.

Continue working on you. Al Anon is a great source, as is SMART Friends & Family (they take a secular, psychology based approach) and Celebrate Recovery (Christian based 12 Step Program).

Keep posting here as well.

Welcome to SR Caprigirl