Nervous and new!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Nervous and new!!
Hi
Please be patient with me, I’m really nervous about posting here. I’m scared I’ll stick my foot in it or you’ll all think I’m really stupid.
My husband was/is an alcoholic. We decided to stop drinking on Saturday and he seems more committed as every day’s gone by. It’s a bit complicated because he wasn’t drinking really badly before, but it was still too much and because of the past it was definitely scaring me and I think he was worried too. Nine years ago (we met at uni) it destroyed his degree, and just about everything else, we were just friends then but I loved him to pieces as a person.
I was only 22 and got everything wrong, all I ever did was beg him to stop and get mad at him. To cut a very long story short he pretty much stopped eating and lived off guiness, got more depressed and stopped doing everything, he also couldn’t sleep unless he passed out from booze. He was never violent except to himself, he stayed kind to everyone regardless of how he got treated – including someone handcuffing him to a radiator in the student union, when it came on it started to burn him – luckily he’s a bit on the clever side and managed to pick the lock!!
I don’t know how to describe us but from the first day we met we’ve always looked for each other, if we’d met when we were 8 we’d still have been best friends. He often spent the night in my room but just because I was worried or he wanted to chat – we were only best friends. Then one day he was gone, no address nothing, just a message from someone he knew to tell me he left because he was getting in my way. When I’d last seen him he was emaciated, had no plans to stop drinking, was frequently sick (as in vomiting) and believed he was worthless. I didn’t think he would live, I grew up in a boarding house for single men (my parents ran it) and when I was a kid I used to think alcoholics were like elephants because they always went away to die (please don’t hate me for saying that, it was how I saw it then not now). Anyway I had no expectation of seeing him again. I missed him utterly but there didn’t seem much point wishing it different. I got on with life but between 22 and 32 I only went out with one bloke, briefly. I never liked any other man as much.
10 Years later I get an email. ‘Are you the … who went to ….?’ There are no words to describe what happened to me when I saw the name at the bottom – then I cried, and wrote back!! Things had changed beyond anything I could have wished for!! Not only was he alive and well but he hadn’t had a drink for months, for years it had still been bad but enough under control for him to work and get himself a VERY good job. He had a flat and a car, he had a LIFE!!!! OK this time we didn’t just stay friends – we got married!! He gave up the job and the flat to come to me because I couldn’t get to him. He’s got another goodish job now. When we got back together he said he was going to try and drink a little but be really careful. He’s never been drunk but it has crept up and he wasn’t really keeping the control HE wanted over it. That’s why on Saturday we decided to stop completely (I always said I would if he did).
Some other stuff it might matter to know is that he’s got very little memory for around 3 years when it was really bad. He also gets severe anxiety, he has done all his life and alcohol was something that took that away (then returned it with interest!!). He also has quite a lot of depression but mostly he used to dealing with it unless it’s really giving him a hard time. He’s a bloody strong character and he rarely if ever complains or moans, he does everything regardless of how he’s feeling . An example would be that after 5 years unable to drive because of his drinking, he was getting panic attacks trying to get back behind the wheel – so he took a service engineers job where he would have to drive 30K miles a year – AND DID IT!! Sort of kill or cure. He’ s the toughest fighter I know, he’s never had any treatment apart from one course of anti depressants – which he said sent him nutty so he stopped them. He’s dealt with all of this alone and dug himself out of the mother of all holes!! Whatever happens I know he’ll fight.
Anyway – I suppose I just want to know how best to support him. He’s pretty stubborn and won’t consider using counselling or anything. I think it was pretty bad when he was given anti depressants and it really scared him off – he hadn’t told them about the anxiety so they might have given him completely the wrong ones. He has stopped now but I don’t expect there to be no hiccups and I want to get it right as much as I can.
HUGE THANKS to anyone who got to the bottom of this small novel!!
Please be patient with me, I’m really nervous about posting here. I’m scared I’ll stick my foot in it or you’ll all think I’m really stupid.
My husband was/is an alcoholic. We decided to stop drinking on Saturday and he seems more committed as every day’s gone by. It’s a bit complicated because he wasn’t drinking really badly before, but it was still too much and because of the past it was definitely scaring me and I think he was worried too. Nine years ago (we met at uni) it destroyed his degree, and just about everything else, we were just friends then but I loved him to pieces as a person.
I was only 22 and got everything wrong, all I ever did was beg him to stop and get mad at him. To cut a very long story short he pretty much stopped eating and lived off guiness, got more depressed and stopped doing everything, he also couldn’t sleep unless he passed out from booze. He was never violent except to himself, he stayed kind to everyone regardless of how he got treated – including someone handcuffing him to a radiator in the student union, when it came on it started to burn him – luckily he’s a bit on the clever side and managed to pick the lock!!
I don’t know how to describe us but from the first day we met we’ve always looked for each other, if we’d met when we were 8 we’d still have been best friends. He often spent the night in my room but just because I was worried or he wanted to chat – we were only best friends. Then one day he was gone, no address nothing, just a message from someone he knew to tell me he left because he was getting in my way. When I’d last seen him he was emaciated, had no plans to stop drinking, was frequently sick (as in vomiting) and believed he was worthless. I didn’t think he would live, I grew up in a boarding house for single men (my parents ran it) and when I was a kid I used to think alcoholics were like elephants because they always went away to die (please don’t hate me for saying that, it was how I saw it then not now). Anyway I had no expectation of seeing him again. I missed him utterly but there didn’t seem much point wishing it different. I got on with life but between 22 and 32 I only went out with one bloke, briefly. I never liked any other man as much.
10 Years later I get an email. ‘Are you the … who went to ….?’ There are no words to describe what happened to me when I saw the name at the bottom – then I cried, and wrote back!! Things had changed beyond anything I could have wished for!! Not only was he alive and well but he hadn’t had a drink for months, for years it had still been bad but enough under control for him to work and get himself a VERY good job. He had a flat and a car, he had a LIFE!!!! OK this time we didn’t just stay friends – we got married!! He gave up the job and the flat to come to me because I couldn’t get to him. He’s got another goodish job now. When we got back together he said he was going to try and drink a little but be really careful. He’s never been drunk but it has crept up and he wasn’t really keeping the control HE wanted over it. That’s why on Saturday we decided to stop completely (I always said I would if he did).
Some other stuff it might matter to know is that he’s got very little memory for around 3 years when it was really bad. He also gets severe anxiety, he has done all his life and alcohol was something that took that away (then returned it with interest!!). He also has quite a lot of depression but mostly he used to dealing with it unless it’s really giving him a hard time. He’s a bloody strong character and he rarely if ever complains or moans, he does everything regardless of how he’s feeling . An example would be that after 5 years unable to drive because of his drinking, he was getting panic attacks trying to get back behind the wheel – so he took a service engineers job where he would have to drive 30K miles a year – AND DID IT!! Sort of kill or cure. He’ s the toughest fighter I know, he’s never had any treatment apart from one course of anti depressants – which he said sent him nutty so he stopped them. He’s dealt with all of this alone and dug himself out of the mother of all holes!! Whatever happens I know he’ll fight.
Anyway – I suppose I just want to know how best to support him. He’s pretty stubborn and won’t consider using counselling or anything. I think it was pretty bad when he was given anti depressants and it really scared him off – he hadn’t told them about the anxiety so they might have given him completely the wrong ones. He has stopped now but I don’t expect there to be no hiccups and I want to get it right as much as I can.
HUGE THANKS to anyone who got to the bottom of this small novel!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
I would post it over there, too, because you'll get a lot of helpful and supportive feedback there, I would guess.
Meanwhile, this isn't a bad place to start. All of us here - or most of us, anyway - are addicts and/or alcoholics, so we certainly understand where your husband is coming from. I'm not sure how it works in the UK, but I do think that AA meetings would be helpful for him. We have a couple of posters here from the UK and they seem to be involved with AA there and seem happy with it. It's a great group, you really have to go to understand. It's not scary at all. Believe me, I was scared and hesitant and maybe a little embarrassed when I first stepped through the doors to a meeting, but I couldn't have been greeted more warmly by the people I met there. He will find others like him with similar problems and anxieties and a common desire to stop letting alcohol control his life. Fellowship means a lot. You could even go with him to make him feel a little easier about it. That's the best advice I can give with regard to supporting him. Of course, just being there for him to talk to honestly and being a shoulder for him to lean on emotionally counts for a lot too - the simple fact that you've found this website shows how much you care about him and care about helping him.
I wish you both the best of luck... I'm sure others will be along to add their two cents to my own!
Meanwhile, this isn't a bad place to start. All of us here - or most of us, anyway - are addicts and/or alcoholics, so we certainly understand where your husband is coming from. I'm not sure how it works in the UK, but I do think that AA meetings would be helpful for him. We have a couple of posters here from the UK and they seem to be involved with AA there and seem happy with it. It's a great group, you really have to go to understand. It's not scary at all. Believe me, I was scared and hesitant and maybe a little embarrassed when I first stepped through the doors to a meeting, but I couldn't have been greeted more warmly by the people I met there. He will find others like him with similar problems and anxieties and a common desire to stop letting alcohol control his life. Fellowship means a lot. You could even go with him to make him feel a little easier about it. That's the best advice I can give with regard to supporting him. Of course, just being there for him to talk to honestly and being a shoulder for him to lean on emotionally counts for a lot too - the simple fact that you've found this website shows how much you care about him and care about helping him.
I wish you both the best of luck... I'm sure others will be along to add their two cents to my own!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Thanks - I'll copy it there.
I know we should get some support if not the AA than at least speak to a doctor or something but it's a no go. One condition of him stopping (actually the only thing he asked) was that alcohol was no longer part of our lives and that therefore we don't discuss it. A couple of times he's said something, mainly that it'll be a couple of weeks before he feels a lot better (he was drinking average about 3 pints a night before Saturday) and he still seems very committed. I've mentioned little things like now we've stopped it shuld be easier to stop smoking (planned for the end of the month before we did this as well) and he''s agreed.
I think if it ever got really bad again he would get help, as it is he's stopped before it rolled right out of control again and I can't really knock him for that.
Sorry - I talk too much!
I know we should get some support if not the AA than at least speak to a doctor or something but it's a no go. One condition of him stopping (actually the only thing he asked) was that alcohol was no longer part of our lives and that therefore we don't discuss it. A couple of times he's said something, mainly that it'll be a couple of weeks before he feels a lot better (he was drinking average about 3 pints a night before Saturday) and he still seems very committed. I've mentioned little things like now we've stopped it shuld be easier to stop smoking (planned for the end of the month before we did this as well) and he''s agreed.
I think if it ever got really bad again he would get help, as it is he's stopped before it rolled right out of control again and I can't really knock him for that.
Sorry - I talk too much!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: ottawa, canada
Posts: 5
nervous and new
hello,Welcome. I am also new at this (online stuff anyway)
I just wanted to say that you should feel free to talk all you want to ( unless of course there are specific rules on this site about that) Also please do not ever feel afraid or stupid. I am sure you have heard of the expression. "People who mind don't matter, People who matter won't mind" I am still learning myself about posting and I am sure i am making alot of mistakes
take it easy
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