My wife is an alcoholic, I don't know how to cope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2
My wife is an alcoholic, I don't know how to cope
Hi everyone,
Just looking for some words of advice or encouragement or something. I am feeling pretty low right now.
I met my (now) wife about 10 years ago. She didn't drink everyday back then, mostly just weekends with me and friends, but when she did drink it was always to excess. If we were meeting friends at 7, she would be drunk for 6, wobbly and incoherent by 7, and I would be making excuses to get her home by 8. She would apologize the next day, and because she was great all the other time, I would accept it and move on. Our friends thought it was funny, they knew her sober too so it was just widely accepted that she was a lightweight on nights out. We were in our 20s. No big deal. It got to the point where more often than not, she would have passed out at home before it was time to leave, and I would go alone, which kind of suited me to be honest. It was a relief not to have to look after her, I could relax and be myself. It was once, maybe twice per week on Friday/Saturday nights. All other days were fine with almost no alcohol (maybe the odd glass of wine during the week). Selfishly, on nights when we stayed in, I enjoyed being left to have some time alone reading or playing video games once she had passed out at 7pm from day drinking. I never really challenged her on this behavior. It seemed controllable, weekends only, and I enjoy drinking too, who was I to judge.
She got pregnant last March, and we were both thrilled. I assumed this would stop her from drinking, and it did for a couple of months, but then there was a family dinner where she had spent some time "getting ready", and then appeared slurring her words and wobbly (about 3 months into pregnancy). Her mother and brothers and I were all pretty surprised. We sat her down the next day, told her we loved her but the drinking had to stop. She cried, but agreed. She was embarrassed but grateful to have our support.
She was mostly sober for the next couple of months, except for a couple of instances when I thought she seemed a bit drunk, but she denied having anything and I accepted maybe she was tired or something. This was the beginning of the lying. About 6 months into the pregnancy, I found 2 empty wine bottles hidden in a drawer. I asked her about them, she apologized, said it was a one off, which I really wanted to believe. But over the next few weeks I began finding more empty bottles hidden around the house. I was getting increasingly frustrated, didn't realize the severity of her condition, just thought she was being selfish and taking unnecessary risks. After 1 big argument, I seemed to get through to her, and she went sober for the last 2 months of her pregnancy. Our baby was born healthy (thank god) at the end of the year.
For the first month of being a mom, she was sober, then she went on her first night out, to see a friend's band. She got trashed, came home and basically collapsed onto the sofa, which I was ok with, just assumed she had let of steam after a pretty intense month of motherhood.
This was the beginning of a serious decline though. Since then she has barely been more than a day or 2 without getting drunk to the point of droopy eye lids, slurring, rambling, clumsy, walking into things. I had to work each day, so coming home to this, on top of a newborn, was very difficult. I took time off work and went to visit my folks, thinking a change of scene would help, but it was awful, she drank every day, stole gin, whisky, brandy, anything she could get from my dad's liqour cabinet. It seemed like every time she left the room she was stealing swigs of wine and liqour. It had never been this bad before. She demonstrated a total lack of self control. She was drunk for most of the trip, which was scary, and also very embarrassing when I had family coming to meet our new baby and my wife was clearly inebriated at 11 am.
I got back home after the trip and got her mother and brothers involved. We hat a sit down intervention, during which she was physically trying to get past us and get to a stash of vodka hidden in the garage. I sent her to live at her mom's place without a car or access to alcohol for a couple of days. Following this, I have taken time off work, basically so I can make sure my daughter is safe, and my wife agreed to talk with her family doctor, who referred her to a social worked and psychiatrist
The psych prescribed Campral, but it has been a couple of weeks and I don't see any improvement. I am with the baby, and by association my wife almost all of the time now, so her opportunity for drinking has been reduced, but the few occasions she is alone, she will seize the opportunity (examples, I went for a haircut last week, she was drunk when I got home after 30 minutes, she went to feed her brothers new cat today accompanied by her grandmother, came home in less than an hour, drunk and with her brothers whisky in her purse, I am still finding bottles hidden around the place, she barely even tries to cover it up sometimes).
I am getting more and more frustrated. I cannot emphasize this enough, I love my baby so much, and now I am home all the time she is in no danger, but I am becoming so resentful of my wife's erratic behavior. She is getting angry with me being home all the time because it is stopping her from drinking a lot (I also took her bank cards on advice from her family doctor, but she keeps scraping enough coins together to get booze, I think she stole some from her mother which she has hidden somewhere).
I just want to pull my hair out. I am trying so hard to be understanding and supportive of her sickness, but it escalated so fast, and coupled with trying to be a good dad I am getting pretty overwhelmed. Her constant lying, broken promises, her resentment of me, her sullen behavior when sober, her confrontational behavor when drunk. I just don't know what to do.
If I am sympathetic, she abuses my trust and kindness by drinking more, if I get angry or threaten to leave, she will say something like "You don't love me, you wish I was dead!" Which I have never said, but she seems to throw in my face as some kind of defense of her drinking. I hate that my wife can lie to my face and then blame me when I catch her in the lie....
The truth is, I am at the point of wanting her gone, not dead, but somewhere else so I can relax a bit and enjoy fatherhood. My daughter has been an angel, she is so smiley and well behaved (7 months old now), but I feel like I am raising her with a rebellious, dumb teenager, instead of a responsible co parent. It would be easier alone at this point.
Anyway, I don't know what I am asking. I just needed to tell someone how I feel. Her family say they are supportive, but they never check in or stop by unless I tell them to. I feel alone and at a loss here. Not sure what my next steps should be. As I type this my wife is sleeping on the floor (passed out drunk) and I know tomorrow she will apologize and I won't know what to say. Am I supposed to leave?! I can't afford to pay rent on top of the mortgage. She won't leave without the baby, but she can't be trusted to supervise her alone. I will have to return to work in a few weeks, so I don't know what I am going to do.
Thanks for any advice you guys can offer, even if it is painful for me to read. I know I have messed up somewhere here. I just want to do the best I can for my baby. Thanks for reading.
Just looking for some words of advice or encouragement or something. I am feeling pretty low right now.
I met my (now) wife about 10 years ago. She didn't drink everyday back then, mostly just weekends with me and friends, but when she did drink it was always to excess. If we were meeting friends at 7, she would be drunk for 6, wobbly and incoherent by 7, and I would be making excuses to get her home by 8. She would apologize the next day, and because she was great all the other time, I would accept it and move on. Our friends thought it was funny, they knew her sober too so it was just widely accepted that she was a lightweight on nights out. We were in our 20s. No big deal. It got to the point where more often than not, she would have passed out at home before it was time to leave, and I would go alone, which kind of suited me to be honest. It was a relief not to have to look after her, I could relax and be myself. It was once, maybe twice per week on Friday/Saturday nights. All other days were fine with almost no alcohol (maybe the odd glass of wine during the week). Selfishly, on nights when we stayed in, I enjoyed being left to have some time alone reading or playing video games once she had passed out at 7pm from day drinking. I never really challenged her on this behavior. It seemed controllable, weekends only, and I enjoy drinking too, who was I to judge.
She got pregnant last March, and we were both thrilled. I assumed this would stop her from drinking, and it did for a couple of months, but then there was a family dinner where she had spent some time "getting ready", and then appeared slurring her words and wobbly (about 3 months into pregnancy). Her mother and brothers and I were all pretty surprised. We sat her down the next day, told her we loved her but the drinking had to stop. She cried, but agreed. She was embarrassed but grateful to have our support.
She was mostly sober for the next couple of months, except for a couple of instances when I thought she seemed a bit drunk, but she denied having anything and I accepted maybe she was tired or something. This was the beginning of the lying. About 6 months into the pregnancy, I found 2 empty wine bottles hidden in a drawer. I asked her about them, she apologized, said it was a one off, which I really wanted to believe. But over the next few weeks I began finding more empty bottles hidden around the house. I was getting increasingly frustrated, didn't realize the severity of her condition, just thought she was being selfish and taking unnecessary risks. After 1 big argument, I seemed to get through to her, and she went sober for the last 2 months of her pregnancy. Our baby was born healthy (thank god) at the end of the year.
For the first month of being a mom, she was sober, then she went on her first night out, to see a friend's band. She got trashed, came home and basically collapsed onto the sofa, which I was ok with, just assumed she had let of steam after a pretty intense month of motherhood.
This was the beginning of a serious decline though. Since then she has barely been more than a day or 2 without getting drunk to the point of droopy eye lids, slurring, rambling, clumsy, walking into things. I had to work each day, so coming home to this, on top of a newborn, was very difficult. I took time off work and went to visit my folks, thinking a change of scene would help, but it was awful, she drank every day, stole gin, whisky, brandy, anything she could get from my dad's liqour cabinet. It seemed like every time she left the room she was stealing swigs of wine and liqour. It had never been this bad before. She demonstrated a total lack of self control. She was drunk for most of the trip, which was scary, and also very embarrassing when I had family coming to meet our new baby and my wife was clearly inebriated at 11 am.
I got back home after the trip and got her mother and brothers involved. We hat a sit down intervention, during which she was physically trying to get past us and get to a stash of vodka hidden in the garage. I sent her to live at her mom's place without a car or access to alcohol for a couple of days. Following this, I have taken time off work, basically so I can make sure my daughter is safe, and my wife agreed to talk with her family doctor, who referred her to a social worked and psychiatrist
The psych prescribed Campral, but it has been a couple of weeks and I don't see any improvement. I am with the baby, and by association my wife almost all of the time now, so her opportunity for drinking has been reduced, but the few occasions she is alone, she will seize the opportunity (examples, I went for a haircut last week, she was drunk when I got home after 30 minutes, she went to feed her brothers new cat today accompanied by her grandmother, came home in less than an hour, drunk and with her brothers whisky in her purse, I am still finding bottles hidden around the place, she barely even tries to cover it up sometimes).
I am getting more and more frustrated. I cannot emphasize this enough, I love my baby so much, and now I am home all the time she is in no danger, but I am becoming so resentful of my wife's erratic behavior. She is getting angry with me being home all the time because it is stopping her from drinking a lot (I also took her bank cards on advice from her family doctor, but she keeps scraping enough coins together to get booze, I think she stole some from her mother which she has hidden somewhere).
I just want to pull my hair out. I am trying so hard to be understanding and supportive of her sickness, but it escalated so fast, and coupled with trying to be a good dad I am getting pretty overwhelmed. Her constant lying, broken promises, her resentment of me, her sullen behavior when sober, her confrontational behavor when drunk. I just don't know what to do.
If I am sympathetic, she abuses my trust and kindness by drinking more, if I get angry or threaten to leave, she will say something like "You don't love me, you wish I was dead!" Which I have never said, but she seems to throw in my face as some kind of defense of her drinking. I hate that my wife can lie to my face and then blame me when I catch her in the lie....
The truth is, I am at the point of wanting her gone, not dead, but somewhere else so I can relax a bit and enjoy fatherhood. My daughter has been an angel, she is so smiley and well behaved (7 months old now), but I feel like I am raising her with a rebellious, dumb teenager, instead of a responsible co parent. It would be easier alone at this point.
Anyway, I don't know what I am asking. I just needed to tell someone how I feel. Her family say they are supportive, but they never check in or stop by unless I tell them to. I feel alone and at a loss here. Not sure what my next steps should be. As I type this my wife is sleeping on the floor (passed out drunk) and I know tomorrow she will apologize and I won't know what to say. Am I supposed to leave?! I can't afford to pay rent on top of the mortgage. She won't leave without the baby, but she can't be trusted to supervise her alone. I will have to return to work in a few weeks, so I don't know what I am going to do.
Thanks for any advice you guys can offer, even if it is painful for me to read. I know I have messed up somewhere here. I just want to do the best I can for my baby. Thanks for reading.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Welcome to the family and congrats on your little bundle of joy. 
If I were in your shoes, I'd be talking to a lawyer about getting custody of your daughter. I would also try to document everything, by notes or video if possible. It is clear from what you've said that your wife cannot be trusted.
I hope you can arrive at a solution soon.
If I were in your shoes, I'd be talking to a lawyer about getting custody of your daughter. I would also try to document everything, by notes or video if possible. It is clear from what you've said that your wife cannot be trusted. I hope you can arrive at a solution soon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
I'm sorry for what brought you here but am so glad you found SR. I would also advise you to start documenting everything. If you do come to the point that you need to separate from your wife, this would help to protect your precious daughter. I think you should look into childcare for your daughter while you work. You will basically need to act as a single parent.
Keep coming back. I think you will find a lot of support here.
Keep coming back. I think you will find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Sorry you have these very difficult circumstances in your life. I was with a daily drinker husband for seven years and found it exhausting. So I send empathy to you.
I learnt that I needed to step back from the drinker, prioritize myself and my needs. This felt terribly selfish at first and was difficult. Is becoming the norm now.
I learnt that I needed to step back from the drinker, prioritize myself and my needs. This felt terribly selfish at first and was difficult. Is becoming the norm now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2
Thanks to you all for reading and replying. I am very grateful for your time. I understand I have some difficult decisions to make, I woke up at 5am with the little one and went for a long walk, wife was still sleeping. I think I am going to issue an ultimatum, that if she ever drinks again, I am filing for divorce and full custody. I don't think it will work, but I have to say something. I will go to see a divorce lawyer today for the free consultation, and am making copies of all the doctors notices and prescriptions the wife has received in regards to her alcoholism, in addition to emails from her mother expressing concern about my wife's drinking.
This really sucks. I completely understand that my daughter's needs come first, but a part of me still feels duty of care to my wife, even though her recent behavior has been terrible. It will be difficult to explain to people that I am separating from my wife with a young baby. The stigma is such that people who don't know the full story will think I am a real jerk! If it was me who had the drinking problem, she would get praised for kicking me out, I suspect her friends, family, and even my own family are going to tell me that I have to stay with her, that babys need a mother etc... I am going to have to face some difficult conversations, but thanks for your advice and for being welcoming. I will keep you updated.
This really sucks. I completely understand that my daughter's needs come first, but a part of me still feels duty of care to my wife, even though her recent behavior has been terrible. It will be difficult to explain to people that I am separating from my wife with a young baby. The stigma is such that people who don't know the full story will think I am a real jerk! If it was me who had the drinking problem, she would get praised for kicking me out, I suspect her friends, family, and even my own family are going to tell me that I have to stay with her, that babys need a mother etc... I am going to have to face some difficult conversations, but thanks for your advice and for being welcoming. I will keep you updated.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Trying
You must put your daughter first. She "dodged a bullet" in the womb, and now needs to be shielded from a lifetime of hurt from having an alcoholic parent. Luckily she is young enough where the separation wont affect her too much.
It sounds like you have some good support from your family. This is good. Obviously, you will put your daughter in danger if you leave her with your wife at all.
I am so sorry for what brings you here!
You must put your daughter first. She "dodged a bullet" in the womb, and now needs to be shielded from a lifetime of hurt from having an alcoholic parent. Luckily she is young enough where the separation wont affect her too much.
It sounds like you have some good support from your family. This is good. Obviously, you will put your daughter in danger if you leave her with your wife at all.
I am so sorry for what brings you here!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
This is where courage comes in--courage to do the right thing regardless of what other people think. Your wife is not a safe parent to your daughter. And you can read around these boards about how children can be damaged for life growing up with an alcoholic parent.
If you do what is best for your daughter and you, maybe your wife will eventually be willing to do what she has to do. And even if you have moved on she can have a good relationship with her daughter. If you stay, the outcome is very risky.
If you do what is best for your daughter and you, maybe your wife will eventually be willing to do what she has to do. And even if you have moved on she can have a good relationship with her daughter. If you stay, the outcome is very risky.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Welcome Trying, It's so hard to leave a marriage especially when you have children. People will talk but it's more about them then you.
When you married and planned to have children this isn't the life you invisioned. It's okay to admit that to yourself and walk away to focus in your child and yourself. Maybe through your action to step away your wife will have the willingness to change for the long run. Use your support people to help you take care of your child. Staying won't change the household except to have more hardships. Separation does create peaceful happy moments. Much like your wife, only you can decide what path you want to take in your life.
When you married and planned to have children this isn't the life you invisioned. It's okay to admit that to yourself and walk away to focus in your child and yourself. Maybe through your action to step away your wife will have the willingness to change for the long run. Use your support people to help you take care of your child. Staying won't change the household except to have more hardships. Separation does create peaceful happy moments. Much like your wife, only you can decide what path you want to take in your life.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
tryiinghere...remember that you will not be helping her by not taking action. You will be enabling her, if you don't take action.
Sonetimes, the right thing is also the hardest thing to do.
If you truly care about your daughter and your wife, I son't see that you have any other choice........
Sonetimes, the right thing is also the hardest thing to do.
If you truly care about your daughter and your wife, I son't see that you have any other choice........
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think I am going to issue an ultimatum, that if she ever drinks again, I am filing for divorce and full custody.
Ultimatums don’t work with alcoholics, she may clean up her act for a bit to get you off her back but without professional help, she will drink again. She has become accustomed to saying “sorry” and you always giving her another chance. I’d set up that appointment with an attorney and that way all of your questions can get answered and you can understand what your next step is.
As far as family and friends go, they don’t live with her daily, they don’t witness what you witness, they truly do not understand the depth of her alcoholism. Anyone who would tell someone that they need/must stay with an active alcoholic for a baby’s sake just does not have a clue what alcoholism is all about. You need strength and support right now and you may have to accept that family and friends cannot fully provide you that right now. Maybe check out al-anon meetings in your area. And keep posting here.
I am truly sorry for your situation, it really stinks and the turmoil, stress and what seems like the weight of the world on your shoulders is overwhelming.
((hugs))
Ultimatums don’t work with alcoholics, she may clean up her act for a bit to get you off her back but without professional help, she will drink again. She has become accustomed to saying “sorry” and you always giving her another chance. I’d set up that appointment with an attorney and that way all of your questions can get answered and you can understand what your next step is.
As far as family and friends go, they don’t live with her daily, they don’t witness what you witness, they truly do not understand the depth of her alcoholism. Anyone who would tell someone that they need/must stay with an active alcoholic for a baby’s sake just does not have a clue what alcoholism is all about. You need strength and support right now and you may have to accept that family and friends cannot fully provide you that right now. Maybe check out al-anon meetings in your area. And keep posting here.
I am truly sorry for your situation, it really stinks and the turmoil, stress and what seems like the weight of the world on your shoulders is overwhelming.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
It's so heartbreaking, especially when a child (children) are involved. You can not leave this child with your wife. Just know that. Regardless of what your wife says, DO NOT leave her with the child. She may make promises to you but she will proceed in breaking every single promise. Your wife is going to drink despite what you say, despite what you do. And, rearranging YOUR life to reduce her drinking opportunities is not healthy for you. It's not going to work any ways. Your wife is drinking a lot more than you know. It's the power of the addiction.
Get to an Al-Anon meeting if you can. Take the baby with you or drop off with a trusted family member.
Your focus should be on how to keep your child safe from this.
Get to an Al-Anon meeting if you can. Take the baby with you or drop off with a trusted family member.
Your focus should be on how to keep your child safe from this.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
When you bring a child into the world, that becomes your 100% responsibility. Your wife is a grown person who is choosing these behaviors. Your sweet baby did not choose this. Do all you can to protect that child. Make sure the attorney you see is familiar with addiction and gets all protections put in for your child. There is NOTHING more tragic than seeing how addiction affects your child, nothing.
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