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What's the balance between helping him and taking care of myself



What's the balance between helping him and taking care of myself

Old 06-19-2017, 08:12 PM
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What's the balance between helping him and taking care of myself

I'm fairly new to this and have been debating whether to post or not. My significant other is an alcoholic. When we first met, he had been sober for a bit and things were great. It took about a year into the relationship when he slowly got back into drinking.

Long story short, it has gotten really bad over the last few months. So bad that we actually ended the relationship because I couldn't watch him go through this and he thought he would be able to fight this disease by himself (boy, was he wrong).

He's been reaching out to me over the last few weeks (and keep in mind we've had no contact) telling me that his drinking as well as drug abuse as gotten so bad. He's said he needs help but doesn't know how to stop drinking. He's even driving which is making me more concerned. I've given him a few numbers and places to go but he isn't taking that next step. I've even reached out to his brother who can't seem to acknowledge how bad it's gotten

Question: As his ex, what is the balance between creating the space I need to heal from this relationship but also ensuring he gets the help he needs? What exactly should I do?

I would really appreciate hearing what others have done in cases of wanting to help but also needing to protect yourself.
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Old 06-19-2017, 08:26 PM
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Following!!
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Old 06-19-2017, 11:58 PM
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Sorry you are going through this.

You need to take care of you. When and if an alcoholic is ready to quit, they will find the proper resources to do so. Themselves. It needs to come from them.

I used to "help" my drinking husband, I now realise I was enabling. I was softening the consequences he needed to feel in life.

He quit when he was ready. As did I.
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Old 06-20-2017, 04:14 AM
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What exactly should I do?

Nothing. It's not your job to ensure he gets any help or support. You have already tried and he's not following through. He will only follow through with help when and if he is ready which could be never. He's a grown man, not a child. He is your ex. I'd block him and go NC again. Work on yourself and why you feel the need to help so I you don't get sucked in again.
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Old 06-20-2017, 04:23 AM
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Hi, jennie. Welcome to SR.
I think you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself, offering numbers to call, but not getting personally involved.
He needs to decide to become sober.
It sounds to me that he would like you to become his enabler, which you definitely do not want to do.
I would take it to the next level, which is to go no contact.
You don't need the drama.
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Old 06-20-2017, 04:42 AM
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Originally Posted by jenniehsh View Post
As his ex, what is the balance between creating the space I need to heal from this relationship but also ensuring he gets the help he needs? What exactly should I do?
STOP

There's nothing more you can do or should do. NOTHING. When you get that feeling that you need to ride the line between helping him and protecting yourself, you're already way too far in. STOP, back up and resume full no-contact.

I have broken up with my ABF too many times to count and we tried "friendship" too many times to count. He's a lovely guy and there was so much that is positive about our relationship, but one thing I know: I cannot be kinda-sorta involved with him. Any contact eventually leads us back into our relationship. It's not like being friends with a normal ex - and I am friends with my XH, who is not an alcoholic, so I'm perfectly capable and willing to have this kind of relationship. My XABF is an active alcoholic and that is very different than an ex who is just an ex. An active alcoholic is literally in another world, a world that only he can get himself out of, if he ever does.

Again, I'll say that if you are riding the line between helping him and protecting yourself, you are already way too far in. Stop, back up and resume full no contact.
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Old 06-20-2017, 05:22 AM
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Hi, and welcome. I'm with the others--just stop. You've given him the numbers. He knows what he can do. You can't give him the willingness to do it. When he's miserable enough, maybe he'll make the calls. That's what it takes for most people. If he never does, good for you for getting out. If he does, he will need to focus his energy on getting sober and learning to live happily that way, and a relationship will be a distraction.
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:51 AM
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Question: As his ex, what is the balance between creating the space I need to heal from this relationship but also ensuring he gets the help he needs? What exactly should I do?
You can’t morn and heal from the ending of the relationship if you are still dancing with the corps.

You ended it because you no longer wanted a front row seat, it is going to be the same show from a different seat.

You found your way out which is the healthy thing to do, now stay out.
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Old 06-20-2017, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by jenniehsh View Post

Question: As his ex, what is the balance between creating the space I need to heal from this relationship but also ensuring he gets the help he needs? What exactly should I do?

I would really appreciate hearing what others have done in cases of wanting to help but also needing to protect yourself.
I think its hard to end a relationship and heal if you are still involved with the person. There is nothing wrong with encouraging treatment and its not enabling (that is when you do things to encourage continued use and unhealthy lifestyle) But the process can be long and emotional, and truthfully I think it will leave you feeling still attached to him. I went through it with my husband and I can tell you there were a lot of ups and downs before he found treatment that worked for him. It can take a good chunk of time, and the person has to be willing to keep trying. This is why I think it would be very hard for you to heal and keep your own life moving forward (meeting someone new). I think a happy medium would be to do what you have done. Give him a few suggestions of where he can go for help, share your concern with his family members if you think they can be a support system for him. If your religious, then add him into your prayers. Try to remember that you broke up because it was an unhealthy situation for you.
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Old 06-20-2017, 11:29 AM
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it is not your job to ENSURE he gets the help HE needs.
that is HIS job.
you gave him contact information.
he can use the phone he's been contacting you on and dial those numbers.
it's not rocket science.
he's either had enough - or not.
it seem he's still at NOT.
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Old 06-20-2017, 03:03 PM
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What's the balance between helping him and taking care of myself

helping him:
I've given him a few numbers and places to go

taking care of yourself:
let him do the action


" As his ex, what is the balance between creating the space I need to heal from this relationship but also ensuring he gets the help he needs? What exactly should I do? "
carry the message, not the alcoholic.

stay in your own hula hoop .
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Old 06-21-2017, 06:42 AM
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If you just cannot help yourself, I would make a list of resources he can call and send it to him. Salvation Army, Teen Challenge, hospital, etc.

There are other people he can call, it's a choice he is making to call you. If he truly wants help, it's out there. If he calls or texts that he may endanger his own life, send the police to do a well check on him. They do that, and that pretty typically will do two things. If he is yanking your chain, he will stop once he sees you plan to just send the police to well check him. If he truly needs help, they will get the ball rolling when they check him.

Hugs.
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Old 06-21-2017, 07:00 AM
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Take care of yourself. He is not a child. He has a phone and knows how to call places. There is help available for addicts. AA/NA meetings are free

Good luck with your own recovery
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