ViJay

Howdy. I've been here a few times over the years, usually when things get real bad with my alcoholic husband. He went through rehab a few years ago, but it didn't take. His goal of being a social drinker doesn't work out, either -- he ends up drinking a lot, for a lot of days in a row, and has more or less squandered a lot of years.

We had some good weeks and months late last year and earlier this year, but since the spring he's been drinking more and more, and now it's getting disabling.

I thought when I started this post that I would be angrily describing the hell he is putting me through right at this moment (and I am not forgetting it! He is drunk at 2 in the afternoon -- so drunk he couldn't stand up, so he wet the bed, then was hollering for me to come and help him, but because of his unhealthy lifestyle he's way too heavy for me to lift and too weak for him to drag himself upright by holding onto me, so he just asked me to put his legs back up on the bed with him and he went back to sleep in the urine -- don't think I'm not mad about it!).

But as I wrote I realized I'm more sad than anything. He's a brilliant, witty guy, the one guy I ever dated who could totally make me laugh all the time, about anything, because of the way his mind worked. And he's a drum-beating, flag-waving, every-time-a-bull's-eye salesman, so me made a great living before burnout and alcoholism forced him to retire. Plus he used to be a passionate lover and a ocean-goer ... Now he's repulsive to me and he can't sit up. He's like a turtle on his back mumbling gibberish and sleeping in his own pee. That's just heart-breaking. For him and for me.

If he doesn't get help and find some way back to health ... I don't even know how I can manage him at home. And how long can a person even carry on like this without permanent disability? If he falls and hurts himself or becomes truly disabled ... I won't know what to tell his kids ... They know he's an alcoholic, but they live in another state and he tries to convince them he's working his program. They have to know he isn't.

I know you can't help. I know he has to make the decision to get help. Maybe when he wakes up in a few hours and realizes what has happened it will be a figurative wake-up call, too. I don't have much hope; he's done similarly stupid things, although any time he wet the bed before I was able to get him out of it to clean him and the sheets and the bed up right away ...

Blimey. Thanks for listening.

firebolt

Sounds like his alcoholism is progressing. So sad - I hope you are taking care of you, and have support and activities that keep you happy outside the home. HUGS to you!

AnvilheadII

I know you can't help. I know he has to make the decision to get help.

there's one person you're leaving out here......this isn't JUST about HIM. you joined here five years ago, and alcoholism has trudged and trundled thru your life, progressively diminishing your partner to the guy sleeping in his own pee ON YOUR BED.

is that what you signed up for? do you feel that he has as much concern for YOU - do you think he's frequently checked in on a support site to help him manage his life with you? you are now his physical caretaker and dare i say enabler.....assisting a man too overweight to move on his own, yet SOMEHOW he manages to put great quantities of alcohol down his throat. he is motivated when he WANTS to be. this can't be any fun. i think we when we repulsed by our partner, that the partnership/relationship has seen it's day and is long long gone.

i wish you strength and clarity.

Sasha1972

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you.

Refiner

Believe it or not, this could go on for years and years with the only thing changing is you having to take care of his every need (which it sounds like you are pretty much doing now anyway). When does it get bad enough for YOU? How is his lifestyle being funded? Is (was) he the sole breadwinner? If so, what happens when there's no more bread? I guess it's up to you on how much your willing to take and for how long since it sure isn't getting better, only worse.

ViJay

Thanks y'all. For some reason I don't see the button to thank each person individually anymore, I mean, to say thank you for this useful post. But I do appreciate them.

I know I should leave him, that makes practical sense. And frankly, there's enough money; I have a job that pays me enough to get by, and he can live a long while on his retirement fund. But I do love him -- and I made a promise for better or worse ... And if it's true that alcoholism is a disease, then it's heartless for me to turn my back on him. My mum had dementia before the end (Alzheimer's, not alcoholism), and she behaved in crazy ways, but I never got mad at her about it or complained to strangers in a forum about it, because it was a disease, and she couldn't help it. Isn't alcoholism a disease in the same way, and kind of with the same symptoms?

I try to track with Al-Anon, and what I chiefly get from those meetings is: the alcoholism is his journey, and I can't change it, so I should not enable him and should have my own life. But I can't really ignore stuff like this here; if I clean it all up, which I have to do for my own sake, is that enabling?

I got sick, myself, in the fall, and had a couple of surgeries. My husband was able to straighten up and take care of me, drive me around, get the stuff I needed for after the surgeries, etc. I feel like if he had to, he could get off the sauce ... and yet is that fair?

But my point was, I think it was stress that caused my physical problem (it's an old condition that rears its ugly head when I get stressed out, it seems) and I have been trying really hard since then to stay relaxed and not let things get me riled because I do not want to have another attack. The kind of stuff that is happening right now is stressing me out.

Which is one reason I appreciate being able to whinge about it here. FWIW, this incapacity has happened about 5 times and just since April. (And as I say, never before has he actually been unable to get up at all.) I feel like, if he'll realize what's happening and get help, he could still come out all right. I just fear that window is closing.

LexieCat

There is nothing heartless about leaving someone who has left YOU. Didn't he take the same vows? Is he cherishing and honoring you as he yells at you for not lifting him out of his own urine in YOUR bed?

Yes, alcoholism is a disease. But wouldn't someone diagnosed with Alzheimer's accept any treatment that would prevent the deterioration of their condition? It's your life--if this is how you choose to live it (remembering that this is probably as good as it gets from here on--and he could live a surprisingly long time), you can. But you will be missing out on a lot of joy in life.

aliciagr

Sending support as it does sound like a sad situation. The turtle analogy while a little funny is true. I met someone a while back who had something similar happen except it was when her husband was in the bathroom. She called the paramedics to come. I dont think he was wearing clothes. Its truly awful the things people experience. I too see all of this as more a medical issue and I understand the comparison you made in regards to your mom. Its tough to make sense of it all and to know what to do in terms of being helpful, and encouraging treatment and lifestyle changes. I dont think its ever too late for change but sooner is better than later. Please take care of yourself first because there is also only one of you. What types of things do you do for stress and anxiety relief? Did you talk to your doctor about it?

Maudcat

Hi, Vijay. Welcome back.
When people, like you, post about staying with their alcohol addicted spouse or leaving, I wish that I had a way to fast forward their lives 10 years so they could view their future with their spouse.
An aged alcoholic, one who has been steadily and continuously drinking for several years, is a sad and ugly thing.
Health is wrecked, finances are in shambles, cognitive ability? Forget it.
I have a front row seat to this in my own family.
Should you stay? Only if you are willing to be his nurse and caretaker in 10, 15, 20 years.

FallenAngelina

The way I look at it, alcoholism is a disease, but there are many choices available for managing it, arresting it's progression and greatly improving the life of the alcoholic and his/her loved ones. An alcoholic may have the disease, but he always has the choice to do nothing or to avail himself of the many ways he can turn things around. So the comparison to Alzheimers is not apt.

We ALL love the alcoholic(s) in our lives. Making healthy & positive choices for ourselves is never about how much we love them.

FallenAngelina

Double post

tomsteve

"And if it's true that alcoholism is a disease.."

ive only seen one place alcoholism being called a disease and thats in AA.
and AA considers it a spiritual disease- a treatable disease.
even then, does it matter? alcoholism is treatable. period.
my mother had dimentia.
she had no choice over it. she had no choice on what it did to her.
there wasnt treatment at that time. there was nothing that would remove the dimentia, only slow its progression.

im a recovered alcoholic.
i had the choice to get help.

no, alcoholism and dimnetia arent the same. my mother never got angry and called me a useless POS. never had relationships and took hostages because of dimentia.never took off for days on end. never chose dimentia over time with her kids. never quit jobs because dimentia was more important. was never a selfish, selfcentered, self pity filled egomaniac with an inferiority complex because of dimentia. never pissed the bed and yelled for me to help because of dimentia

i dont blame one person for walkin away from me when i was a drunk.
it was a disgusting journey on the way down.

AnvilheadII

alcoholics can STOP their disease's effect upon them in it's tracks by doing exactly ONE thing.....quit drinking. and except for those who have truly gone TOO far, it is a fully recoverable illness.

diabetics cannot.
cancer victims cannot.
dementia patients cannot.
Hep C can now be "cured" but only with a treatment intervention.

the madness of alcoholism can stop with one action. repeated daily, forever. granted some may need professional support, hospitalization, treatment, supervised medical detox. and most will need some type of therapeutic support on their journey. but that supports the REMISSION, which can only be achieved if the intake of alcohol ceases.

imagine if you could say to any person a long term illness or disease - hey if you just stop eating carrots..........or drinking soda..........or using Tide laundry detergent.....you will experience complete 100% remission. all you have to do is this ONE thing.

my mom, late stage chronic alcoholic, was hospitalized and Dr. Jack said to her "if you drink again, at all, it will kill you - we will not be able to help you anymore." and after she insisted she be checked out of the hospital and that i take her home. my husband and i had removed every container of alcohol in the home.....tragically, it filled the bed of his pick up. i had LIVED in that house and even i was shocked. two days later she was back in the hospital..............and her liver gave out. because she made the choice to drive to the liquor store and buy more booze. with the echo of "it will KILL you" in her head.

the ONLY organ in the body capable of regenerating. the most forgiving organ. so when it goes.......it's a pretty awful decline. i know, i watched my mom "die" of liver disease. you don't wanna see that.

my point is....sorry for pontificating.....WE DO RECOVER. with limited exception, there really is no excuse.

Ladybird579

My mum had dementia before the end (Alzheimer's, not alcoholism), and she behaved in crazy ways, but I never got mad at her about it or complained to strangers in a forum about it, because it was a disease, and she couldn't help it. Isn't alcoholism a disease in the same way, and kind of with the same symptoms?.

No it is not the same. My mum also had Alzheimer's and died last year. Nothing could help her. She wanted to get better, she hated what she was turning into but there was no treatment for her. She died not know who any of us were. Alcoholics have a choice to stay drinking or get well. They choose to drink. Noone has to stand by and watch that.

You say you promised for better or worse...what did your AH promise cos from what am hearing he left the marriage a long long time ago. He doesn't even respect you enough to not pee on you.

Seren

I am just so sorry to hear about this heartbreaking situation. I can't and won't tell you whether or not you should leave him. I suppose if it were me, and I were married to a man who was so overweight and so drunk and soiled himself in our bed...and I could not physically help him clean himself or the bed...I would call the ambulance to come and get him.

Perhaps the ride to the hospital and subsequent detoxing there might wake him up...but if nothing else, it would allow a little bit of a breather to think, reflect, and maybe come up with a plan to move forward.

Please take good care...and don't hesitate to vent here whenever you need to do so

FallenAngelina

Just to be clear about Al-Anon - it's not a prep course for leaving the alcoholic and nobody gives you advice there, as we do here. This is a no-holds-barred group of people who are very familiar with loving an alcoholic, but we are not Al-Anon. In Al-Anon, you can explore ways to remain with your husband, if you choose, and keep your sanity. A good pace to start is by taking an honest stance with your extended family. Sounds like your children have no idea what is going on and I'm guessing that most people in your life also do not. There's a lot of room to explore between where you are and leaving your husband. Al-Anon is the place to explore this because Al-Anon is all about you, not your husband. And again, the purpose of Al-Anon is not to prepare you to leave, nor is it really to understand your husband, but for you to spend some time with you. It's also a wonderful place to get to know people who are on a healthy path in life and beyond dealing with alcoholism, can be great mentors for you on your path to peace of mind. Having our own wellness program is essential for finding and maintaining this peace.

You are concerned about enabling if you clean up his pee soaked bed. How about separate beds, one with a waterproof mattress pad? He certainly can do laundry when he wakes in the morning.

hopeful4

I compare it in this way. Alcoholism is a disease. Cancer is a disease. Cancer patients don't drink cancer into their bodies and continue to do so. They do what the doctor tells them to do to rid themselves of the cancer. An alcoholic has to stop drinking to rid themselves of alcoholism. If they won't do that, it's a choice. Yes, they may need help doing so. He sounds to be in a bad place. Has he thought about inpatient rehab?

The thing is, he can go on for YEARS in this state. I am betting that is not what you signed up for. Something needs to change, and if he is unwilling, you have to look at your own life and decide if you will accept this long term or make changes to your own life. No one can decide that for you. This would be a good time to seek Alanon or Celebrate Recovery, or some face to face support system.


Hugs to you.

ViJay

Thank you all so much! I appreciate your input and support more than you can know.

First, I am so sorry about your mum -- and others in this thread who have experienced the heartbreak of losing a loved one to Alzheimer's. It's brutal.

Second, thank you for that last part, He doesn't even respect you enough not to pee on you. That made me literally L O L and I find that laughter helps keep my stress level low.

Dear God, this almost happened to us! He was on the floor in the water closet -- honestly, we tried (he and I together) to get him up, but nothing was working. I was about to call 911, but his sheer horror at the idea of anyone else seeing him that way motivated him to be able to drag himself up to his knees using a walker, then I was able to help him get up and into a chair, and eventually back into bed. That was the beginning of April this year, and the first time anything like this had happened. I was mortified and assumed he would be so mortified by it that he would never want to drink again ... but I was wrong, obviously. Mortification does not seem to trump addiction.

As for my stress relief, I'm kind of a gym rat; I work out for an hour or 90 minutes at least 4 days a week; we also have a dog and I walk him a mile every day, so these things are very helpful with managing my stress and fitness. I'm also a "spiritual but not religious" Christian, so I do meditation and pray every day -- both those things are great for stress, too. I think I would be bonkers already without this routine.

Yes, I have come to understand this: we don't offer advice in Al-Anon, which is good in itself because everyone has to find their own way, but I appreciate that this group does offer advice in addition to sharing their experiences. Al-Anon has helped me remember to focus on myself, take one day at a time, and not try to "fix" my husband ... although I feel if he would just do my will for his life, all would be well.

Several folks pointed out, if alcoholism is a disease, it is a treatable one, so it isn't fair to compare the active alcoholic to someone who suffers cancer or dementia, etc. -- because the victims of those diseases gladly take whatever treatments are available. I have often thought the same thing: you would be mad at a diabetic for going into a diabetic coma if the reason it happened was they just refused to work their program and take their medicine. So I get that point.

Thanks for your post, for sharing from the alcoholic's point of view. I really appreciate it.

Thanks again for each post! I appreciate them all so much.