Lost in an Alcoholic Mess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3
Lost in an Alcoholic Mess
Hey, everyone, I have been reading a few posts on this site, and much of it sounds like my life. However, my situation is a bit unique. I am an alcoholic, and I have been with someone who is also alcoholic for the past seven years.
Last year, he crashed my car when he was very drunk. He was on a suspended driver's license and my car had no insurance. Due to this fact, they suspended my driver's license until one of us can pay the $20,000 worth of damages to the other vehicle.
Following the accident, we both got sober for six months. It was the best six months I can remember for a long time, and he even proposed, to which I said yes. Then, he started sneaking vodka. It only got worse. Eventually, I fell off the wagon, too. I am now in a position where I know I need to get my act together, but he is not on board. When I asked him if he wanted to try to quit with me, he said no without hesitation. I bought him a bus ticket to go back to live with his mom, and he shows no emotion about it at all.
I love him. He and I obviously have a lot in common. However, when he gets drunk, he is a different person. He seems to have a demon inside of him, and he says things that are scary. He blames everything on me.... even his DUI when he crashed my car. He said he left that day because I had told him to leave about 12 hours prior. Keep in mind, I was asleep when he took off in my car with a .031 BAC. His mother also said it was my fault and that I should have not let him drive the car since I knew it didn't have insurance. She even BLAMED IT ON THE FACT THAT HE WASN'T WEARING HIS GLASSES WHEN HE CRASHED! I find that incredible!
I am ready for him to go. I just know that, as soon as he's gone, I'm going to go into a depression like I always do and then ask for him to come back. Any suggestions? How do I deal with just letting him go and forgetting the good times? Forgetting all the good memories that do linger in this home? Also, I have my own business, and it does require some heavy lifting at times as I review various products and have to move them from my studio out to the storage shed. He also runs my cameras for the videos I make. I feel like I need him, and I hate it.
Last year, he crashed my car when he was very drunk. He was on a suspended driver's license and my car had no insurance. Due to this fact, they suspended my driver's license until one of us can pay the $20,000 worth of damages to the other vehicle.
Following the accident, we both got sober for six months. It was the best six months I can remember for a long time, and he even proposed, to which I said yes. Then, he started sneaking vodka. It only got worse. Eventually, I fell off the wagon, too. I am now in a position where I know I need to get my act together, but he is not on board. When I asked him if he wanted to try to quit with me, he said no without hesitation. I bought him a bus ticket to go back to live with his mom, and he shows no emotion about it at all.
I love him. He and I obviously have a lot in common. However, when he gets drunk, he is a different person. He seems to have a demon inside of him, and he says things that are scary. He blames everything on me.... even his DUI when he crashed my car. He said he left that day because I had told him to leave about 12 hours prior. Keep in mind, I was asleep when he took off in my car with a .031 BAC. His mother also said it was my fault and that I should have not let him drive the car since I knew it didn't have insurance. She even BLAMED IT ON THE FACT THAT HE WASN'T WEARING HIS GLASSES WHEN HE CRASHED! I find that incredible!
I am ready for him to go. I just know that, as soon as he's gone, I'm going to go into a depression like I always do and then ask for him to come back. Any suggestions? How do I deal with just letting him go and forgetting the good times? Forgetting all the good memories that do linger in this home? Also, I have my own business, and it does require some heavy lifting at times as I review various products and have to move them from my studio out to the storage shed. He also runs my cameras for the videos I make. I feel like I need him, and I hate it.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Welcome to SR, JDR!
Guys are stoopid - I know, I have been one for 52 years!
Forget about them for a while and focus on getting yourself together. Get sober and then get on with your life. That's the order I'd recommend.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Guys are stoopid - I know, I have been one for 52 years!
Forget about them for a while and focus on getting yourself together. Get sober and then get on with your life. That's the order I'd recommend.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 63
Good advice from Nonsensical. 25+ years and finally divorced. Old habits are hard to change. I so understand the depression. I try to keep my focus on today. Focus on you now. Take care of you. Stay sober and find out who you are. Ah, writing this as much for me as you. Keep reading. Lots of great advise here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Welcome, JDR. What a tough situation. I would suggest doing some reading about codependency, as this situation sounds like it falls into that trap more often than not. Most addicts, alcoholic or otherwise, fall into this destructive habit.
Since he has said he doesn't want to get sober and sounds like a dangerous drunk, this is not someone who should be in your life right now. It's hard enough to stay sober being around sober people; being around an active alcoholic is a sure road to ruin. And I've said this many times - alcoholism is progressive, and it can always get worse. He could have killed himself or someone else in that car crash. If he doesn't realize how serious that is... Well let his mom deal with him then. Last thing you need is an unsupportive boyfriend! Go for total sobriety :-) you can do it
Since he has said he doesn't want to get sober and sounds like a dangerous drunk, this is not someone who should be in your life right now. It's hard enough to stay sober being around sober people; being around an active alcoholic is a sure road to ruin. And I've said this many times - alcoholism is progressive, and it can always get worse. He could have killed himself or someone else in that car crash. If he doesn't realize how serious that is... Well let his mom deal with him then. Last thing you need is an unsupportive boyfriend! Go for total sobriety :-) you can do it
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
After many years of drinking it became evident that regardless of others issues I had to address mine.
The first step in the program I engage in is ; We admitted we were powerless over alcoholic - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Simple but with a lot of depth.
Sounds like you are ready to move on in life -'good for you.
The first step in the program I engage in is ; We admitted we were powerless over alcoholic - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Simple but with a lot of depth.
Sounds like you are ready to move on in life -'good for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Get a hand truck (dolly) to move the heavy stuff.
Learn how to record your own videos.
Do not let anyone tell you that their decisions are your fault.
You cannot force anyone into recovery and you cannot be responsible for anyone's actions or lack thereof.
Don't set yourself up for a depressive episode when he leaves. You are telling yourself that "I just know Im going to go into a depression like I always do".
This depressive episode may not take place. What you tell yourself and what you do are going to make or break this situation. Of course there are going to be moments. Its a death of sorts but it doesnt have to take you down.
You are more important than alcohol. You can get healthy and live a productive life that you are proud of. Give yourself a chance to make this change. It is a positive thing.
Learn how to record your own videos.
Do not let anyone tell you that their decisions are your fault.
You cannot force anyone into recovery and you cannot be responsible for anyone's actions or lack thereof.
Don't set yourself up for a depressive episode when he leaves. You are telling yourself that "I just know Im going to go into a depression like I always do".
This depressive episode may not take place. What you tell yourself and what you do are going to make or break this situation. Of course there are going to be moments. Its a death of sorts but it doesnt have to take you down.
You are more important than alcohol. You can get healthy and live a productive life that you are proud of. Give yourself a chance to make this change. It is a positive thing.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
This sounds like it would be a good time for you to focus on yourself and finding your way in life on your own. Breakups are always difficult, but I think you are aware that this relationship is not working and is not good for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you all so much for these replies. They are more helpful than you probably even know! I don't know how I allowed myself to become involved in this mess. I was sober for two years before he came into my life. I think Satan himself sent him to destroy the progress I had made, and I know it's time for change. Thank God for this forum. I really needed someone to talk to. Part of this relationship has consisted of me cutting off everyone either by choice or by them getting sick of me calling them drunk. I feel like he's all I have. Please keep posting your replies. This is the stuff I need to hear. All I hear right now is what he tells me, and he said alcoholics can't get better. He's engaging in psychological warfare against me, and your comments are making me realize there's so much more to it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by jessicadawnruiz 
Hey, everyone, I have been reading a few posts on this site, and much of it sounds like my life. However, my situation is a bit unique. I am an alcoholic, and I have been with someone who is also alcoholic for the past seven years.
Last year, he crashed my car when he was very drunk. He was on a suspended driver's license and my car had no insurance. Due to this fact, they suspended my driver's license until one of us can pay the $20,000 worth of damages to the other vehicle.
Following the accident, we both got sober for six months. It was the best six months I can remember for a long time, and he even proposed, to which I said yes. Then, he started sneaking vodka. It only got worse. Eventually, I fell off the wagon, too. I am now in a position where I know I need to get my act together, but he is not on board. When I asked him if he wanted to try to quit with me, he said no without hesitation. I bought him a bus ticket to go back to live with his mom, and he shows no emotion about it at all.
I love him. He and I obviously have a lot in common. However, when he gets drunk, he is a different person. He seems to have a demon inside of him, and he says things that are scary. He blames everything on me.... even his DUI when he crashed my car. He said he left that day because I had told him to leave about 12 hours prior. Keep in mind, I was asleep when he took off in my car with a .031 BAC. His mother also said it was my fault and that I should have not let him drive the car since I knew it didn't have insurance. She even BLAMED IT ON THE FACT THAT HE WASN'T WEARING HIS GLASSES WHEN HE CRASHED! I find that incredible!
I am ready for him to go. I just know that, as soon as he's gone, I'm going to go into a depression like I always do and then ask for him to come back. Any suggestions? How do I deal with just letting him go and forgetting the good times? Forgetting all the good memories that do linger in this home? Also, I have my own business, and it does require some heavy lifting at times as I review various products and have to move them from my studio out to the storage shed. He also runs my cameras for the videos I make. I feel like I need him, and I hate it.
Last year, he crashed my car when he was very drunk. He was on a suspended driver's license and my car had no insurance. Due to this fact, they suspended my driver's license until one of us can pay the $20,000 worth of damages to the other vehicle.
Following the accident, we both got sober for six months. It was the best six months I can remember for a long time, and he even proposed, to which I said yes. Then, he started sneaking vodka. It only got worse. Eventually, I fell off the wagon, too. I am now in a position where I know I need to get my act together, but he is not on board. When I asked him if he wanted to try to quit with me, he said no without hesitation. I bought him a bus ticket to go back to live with his mom, and he shows no emotion about it at all.
I love him. He and I obviously have a lot in common. However, when he gets drunk, he is a different person. He seems to have a demon inside of him, and he says things that are scary. He blames everything on me.... even his DUI when he crashed my car. He said he left that day because I had told him to leave about 12 hours prior. Keep in mind, I was asleep when he took off in my car with a .031 BAC. His mother also said it was my fault and that I should have not let him drive the car since I knew it didn't have insurance. She even BLAMED IT ON THE FACT THAT HE WASN'T WEARING HIS GLASSES WHEN HE CRASHED! I find that incredible!
I am ready for him to go. I just know that, as soon as he's gone, I'm going to go into a depression like I always do and then ask for him to come back. Any suggestions? How do I deal with just letting him go and forgetting the good times? Forgetting all the good memories that do linger in this home? Also, I have my own business, and it does require some heavy lifting at times as I review various products and have to move them from my studio out to the storage shed. He also runs my cameras for the videos I make. I feel like I need him, and I hate it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I will also suggest letting him go about his life without you. He is blaming you because that's what alcoholics do. What he said is not true, but alkies can't take responsibility for their actions. I know cause I used to be one. 
Get sober and live your life without the drama and danger of living with an alcoholic.
Get sober and live your life without the drama and danger of living with an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Welcome JDR! I don't have much to add to the excellent advice, but definitely put yourself first, focus on your sobriety and find another way to operate your business without him. He relies on your need and that gives him power. You can get out of this and have a wonderful life of freedom and happiness. Stick close by here; this is a great place for advice and support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,576
Jessica, welcome. You deserve so much better than that relationship. Better things are ahead for you. Alcoholics absolutely do get better ... when they make a decision to put down the drink for good. Loads of people here have done it, and you can too.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
