I am divorcing my drunk!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 11
I am divorcing my drunk!
I cannot tell you guys how many times I have read here and commiserated with you all before signing up tonight. I took today to share my decision with my family and friends, and have not felt so sane in three years. It felt so good to be honest after so long. In the past two years, my alcoholic husband has:
* Gotten a second DUI in ten years while *on the way* to pick up my then 12-year-old from ballet.
* After narrowly avoiding a child endangerment charge by not having my daughter in the car, proceeded to learn no lesson and continued drinking. During a two-month period in which we had no insurance, I attempted to help him "taper" (his idea), measuring out alcohol in smaller and smaller doses. He claimed to be "cured" twice, although I continued to find suspicious empty bottles all over the house.
* Following the last such ******** "cure," my husband went to serve his DUI jail time. He seized within 12 hours and was transferred to the ER.
* That ER visit turned into a month-long hospital stay. Two weeks of it consisted of life-threatening DTs. Liver CTs showed significant scarring and fatty liver fibrosis. I was told he might not make it. He was ventilated numerous times and developed pneumonia. He spent three of four weeks in the ICU, racking up a $150,000 bill.
*Upon discharge from the hospital, my husband needed physical therapy to relearn walking and cognitive therapy because he developed "wet brain" syndrome. He suffered from multiple psychoses for weeks even after release, believing he knew various nurses from 20 years ago in previous towns where we resided and other such nonsense.
*Promptly lost his job after the hospital stay, remained unemployed for five months, and then quit the lower-paying job he eventually managed to secure three months later because "they were going to fire me anyway." This man once earned $250K a year and was at the top of his field.
*Even after all of this, I continue to stumble upon empty vodka bottles all over the house. My husband apparently went to AA and pretended to be "on the program" throughout.
*Now won't get off the couch. Stares into space and says he is "sick." I have no idea if he is still drinking because I refuse to lower myself to looking anymore. With no job and no income coming in, we are now forced to sell the house ASAP. He won't even help me to get it "show ready," explaining that my daughter and I are better off without him and should expect nothing from in the future.
There is more. I left out the tears. The angry swearing and fighting. The begging and pleading for him to get help before he hurt himself and his child any more. The threats. The Al-Anon visits. The ultimate frustrating and devastating realization that there was NOTHING in my power--and I think of myself as a powerful person--I could do to make this person stop.
Alcoholism defies any rational explanation and it is clear that for some people, there is no bottom low enough. My husband now finally believes I am divorcing him because I have told my family, friends, church, even the mail man. I can't live with this a second longer.
The newest twist is that he is now threatening suicide and won't get up off the couch to assist in helping sell the (second) house he lost us to his addiction. I feel for him and his depression, but it is hard to trust that it isn't just another lie and manipulation.
Anyone in the early stages of this with a mate: Get out. Get out now. It just gets worse and all innocent bystanders get mowed over. Repeatedly.
N.B. I accidentally posted this to the newcomers board first and probably scared a few. I hope so.
* Gotten a second DUI in ten years while *on the way* to pick up my then 12-year-old from ballet.
* After narrowly avoiding a child endangerment charge by not having my daughter in the car, proceeded to learn no lesson and continued drinking. During a two-month period in which we had no insurance, I attempted to help him "taper" (his idea), measuring out alcohol in smaller and smaller doses. He claimed to be "cured" twice, although I continued to find suspicious empty bottles all over the house.
* Following the last such ******** "cure," my husband went to serve his DUI jail time. He seized within 12 hours and was transferred to the ER.
* That ER visit turned into a month-long hospital stay. Two weeks of it consisted of life-threatening DTs. Liver CTs showed significant scarring and fatty liver fibrosis. I was told he might not make it. He was ventilated numerous times and developed pneumonia. He spent three of four weeks in the ICU, racking up a $150,000 bill.
*Upon discharge from the hospital, my husband needed physical therapy to relearn walking and cognitive therapy because he developed "wet brain" syndrome. He suffered from multiple psychoses for weeks even after release, believing he knew various nurses from 20 years ago in previous towns where we resided and other such nonsense.
*Promptly lost his job after the hospital stay, remained unemployed for five months, and then quit the lower-paying job he eventually managed to secure three months later because "they were going to fire me anyway." This man once earned $250K a year and was at the top of his field.
*Even after all of this, I continue to stumble upon empty vodka bottles all over the house. My husband apparently went to AA and pretended to be "on the program" throughout.
*Now won't get off the couch. Stares into space and says he is "sick." I have no idea if he is still drinking because I refuse to lower myself to looking anymore. With no job and no income coming in, we are now forced to sell the house ASAP. He won't even help me to get it "show ready," explaining that my daughter and I are better off without him and should expect nothing from in the future.
There is more. I left out the tears. The angry swearing and fighting. The begging and pleading for him to get help before he hurt himself and his child any more. The threats. The Al-Anon visits. The ultimate frustrating and devastating realization that there was NOTHING in my power--and I think of myself as a powerful person--I could do to make this person stop.
Alcoholism defies any rational explanation and it is clear that for some people, there is no bottom low enough. My husband now finally believes I am divorcing him because I have told my family, friends, church, even the mail man. I can't live with this a second longer.
The newest twist is that he is now threatening suicide and won't get up off the couch to assist in helping sell the (second) house he lost us to his addiction. I feel for him and his depression, but it is hard to trust that it isn't just another lie and manipulation.
Anyone in the early stages of this with a mate: Get out. Get out now. It just gets worse and all innocent bystanders get mowed over. Repeatedly.
N.B. I accidentally posted this to the newcomers board first and probably scared a few. I hope so.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
kalex, welcome to SR, and glad you found us here. I'm so sorry for the long and horrible path that brought you here.
This
is the plain unvarnished truth. All you can do now is save yourself and your children (are they still at home?). Turning him over to whatever higher power you may believe in is the best you can do.
Have you actually spoken to a lawyer and begun proceedings? From what you describe, the sooner the better, before you're on the hook for any more medical bills or what have you (sorry if that sounds cold, but it's something that is certainly a consideration).
I hear your pain and your anger. Please, keep reading and posting here. We get it, and we'll help you if we possibly can, even if that's only a listening ear.
This
The ultimate frustrating and devastating realization that there was NOTHING in my power--and I think of myself as a powerful person--I could do to make this person stop.
Have you actually spoken to a lawyer and begun proceedings? From what you describe, the sooner the better, before you're on the hook for any more medical bills or what have you (sorry if that sounds cold, but it's something that is certainly a consideration).
I hear your pain and your anger. Please, keep reading and posting here. We get it, and we'll help you if we possibly can, even if that's only a listening ear.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 11
Thanks for the support. Yes, I've spoken to a lawyer and he thinks my best plan of action is claiming all the assets and forfeiting alimony. I agree. My husband's work history has been awful over the past three years, so the 401k and stock plan, plus any profit from sale of our home is my best bet under the circumstances. It is unlikely, given his current state, he will be able to pay any child support, so I will just ask for a one-time payout. My lawyer told me I should also be entitled to $1,500/mo in child support on top of that, but in a drunken haze, he decide to quit his job last week. So I will also be asking for the bulk of the profit from the sale of our house.
I supported this man for 22 years of addiction and could not work for most of that time as he spent 75 percent overseas while my child was very young.
I'm actually OK with that settlement and my husband agrees he is the **** up and we are entitled to most of the assets. So at least he is not screwing us in that way, although at age 49, he has informed me he will spend the rest of his life sitting on the couch suicidal and we should not expect any more.
Get out while the getting's still OK, right? I hate to be mercenary, but I must be.
I supported this man for 22 years of addiction and could not work for most of that time as he spent 75 percent overseas while my child was very young.
I'm actually OK with that settlement and my husband agrees he is the **** up and we are entitled to most of the assets. So at least he is not screwing us in that way, although at age 49, he has informed me he will spend the rest of his life sitting on the couch suicidal and we should not expect any more.
Get out while the getting's still OK, right? I hate to be mercenary, but I must be.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Oh, I totally see your point of view, kalex. There would be no purpose served by you accepting a financial settlement that left you struggling, especially as you don't expect to see any sort of child support or alimony payments.
XAH didn't fight me for the house, either, for which I was so grateful. I'm guessing he easily spent an amount close to half the value of the place on his addictions over the years we were married. Add to this the fact that he didn't work for about 1/4 of the time we were together, and that I more often than not had a part-time as well as a full-time job, and it was likely a pretty fair split. (No kids.)
About 6 months after we were divorced, he was involved in what apparently was a hit-and-run while down at our mailbox. I say apparently b/c he doesn't know what happened. Long story short, he ended up w/5 broken ribs and a smashed elbow that required surgery in addition to a concussion. He spent the better part of a week in the hospital, and while I did stay in touch, I was very grateful that we were divorced and I wouldn't be on the hook for his medical bills.
The "good" thing that came from that was that, in the ER, his BAC came back fairly high. When I got home from there, I googled several different calculators to see what it would have been at the time he was hit. It would have been at a level where a normal person would be staggering and incoherent. He was a really good "hider", and I never really knew how much he drank, but this was a wake-up call for me.
At that point, he was living in the upper unit of the house (separate entrance, etc.) After this, I asked him to move out. I couldn't risk him falling down the stairs and lying injured for hours while I was at work, or possibly starting a fire while cooking or smoking and costing me everything I owned plus the lives of my dogs, not to mention his own life and possibly mine.
When the situation has become as clear as yours is now and mine was then, I agree that it's best to just get to the nuts and bolts, being as practical and rational as possible. The time has come to cut the connection to the sinking ship and put on your own life preserver. I'm glad you've secured the services of a lawyer already.
Does your daughter have some form of support in dealing with all of this? Alateen or something? I'm sure this is very difficult for her too.
XAH didn't fight me for the house, either, for which I was so grateful. I'm guessing he easily spent an amount close to half the value of the place on his addictions over the years we were married. Add to this the fact that he didn't work for about 1/4 of the time we were together, and that I more often than not had a part-time as well as a full-time job, and it was likely a pretty fair split. (No kids.)
About 6 months after we were divorced, he was involved in what apparently was a hit-and-run while down at our mailbox. I say apparently b/c he doesn't know what happened. Long story short, he ended up w/5 broken ribs and a smashed elbow that required surgery in addition to a concussion. He spent the better part of a week in the hospital, and while I did stay in touch, I was very grateful that we were divorced and I wouldn't be on the hook for his medical bills.
The "good" thing that came from that was that, in the ER, his BAC came back fairly high. When I got home from there, I googled several different calculators to see what it would have been at the time he was hit. It would have been at a level where a normal person would be staggering and incoherent. He was a really good "hider", and I never really knew how much he drank, but this was a wake-up call for me.
At that point, he was living in the upper unit of the house (separate entrance, etc.) After this, I asked him to move out. I couldn't risk him falling down the stairs and lying injured for hours while I was at work, or possibly starting a fire while cooking or smoking and costing me everything I owned plus the lives of my dogs, not to mention his own life and possibly mine.
When the situation has become as clear as yours is now and mine was then, I agree that it's best to just get to the nuts and bolts, being as practical and rational as possible. The time has come to cut the connection to the sinking ship and put on your own life preserver. I'm glad you've secured the services of a lawyer already.
Does your daughter have some form of support in dealing with all of this? Alateen or something? I'm sure this is very difficult for her too.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 11
Wow, I appreciate your story so much. I'm so sorry that happened, but I am equally happy you weren't on the hook for another incident. That scares me, too, as we are already paying significant medical bills due to my husband's month-long stay. Thankfully divorce takes just 90 days in my state and that reminds me to file ASAP as I have no confidence my husband wouldn't do something just as stupid. He wouldn't mean to...just as he hasn't meant to ruin all of our lives so far.
I'm glad you brought up my daughter. I worry so much about her. We have always been so, so close and even though she is almost 15, she has never gone through the hating mom phase I expected. She has seen many fights and knows the full situation with her dad. The arrest and month in the hospital was hard/impossible to hide. She is a straight A student with awesome friends. I try to bring up how sorry I am that things have turned out this way and she acts like she doesn't care. She just shuts down, makes a joke about how emotional I am, and leaves quickly. I would like her to speak with a counselor, but she is adamant she is fine. She is very, very loving towards me, icy to her dad, and honestly, the sanest person in our home.
I do feel so very guilty that this experience has deeply affected her somehow, yet she is the "perfect child." I will make sure she sees a therapist once this is all over...someone who is not me or her dad she can vent to. She has always held her feelings close to the vest while I always let everything out and then some. I think this is just her personality as she has always been like this...very calm and controlled...but I am wracked with nerves we've ruined her somehow I can't see. I love her so very, very much and wanted her to have the perfect childhood.
Alcoholism just sucks.
I'm glad you brought up my daughter. I worry so much about her. We have always been so, so close and even though she is almost 15, she has never gone through the hating mom phase I expected. She has seen many fights and knows the full situation with her dad. The arrest and month in the hospital was hard/impossible to hide. She is a straight A student with awesome friends. I try to bring up how sorry I am that things have turned out this way and she acts like she doesn't care. She just shuts down, makes a joke about how emotional I am, and leaves quickly. I would like her to speak with a counselor, but she is adamant she is fine. She is very, very loving towards me, icy to her dad, and honestly, the sanest person in our home.
I do feel so very guilty that this experience has deeply affected her somehow, yet she is the "perfect child." I will make sure she sees a therapist once this is all over...someone who is not me or her dad she can vent to. She has always held her feelings close to the vest while I always let everything out and then some. I think this is just her personality as she has always been like this...very calm and controlled...but I am wracked with nerves we've ruined her somehow I can't see. I love her so very, very much and wanted her to have the perfect childhood.
Alcoholism just sucks.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Kalex, sending you support and good wishes.
In one way he's given you a gift in telling you honestly not to expect anything more from him. Believe it, because lowering your expectations will save you from unnecessary bitterness.
I hope that when it's over and he's left with just himself he will find the motivation to change for himself. You never know.
In one way he's given you a gift in telling you honestly not to expect anything more from him. Believe it, because lowering your expectations will save you from unnecessary bitterness.
I hope that when it's over and he's left with just himself he will find the motivation to change for himself. You never know.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi there, and welcome!
My story of life with my second husband mirrors yours in many ways. Ours was a short-lived marriage (we lived together for only several months after getting married--we married during a sober hiatus after he, too, nearly died as a result of liver/kidney failure related to alcohol). Fortunately we had no kids and all the property--such as we had--was mine. The last straw for me was when, after he'd lost his job and couldn't be bothered to find another (preferring to drink), and I was looking for a SECOND job to support us, he signed a new lease on the house we were renting after I'd explicitly told him not to--that we could no longer afford the rent.
I left, and have never regretted it. Somehow he is still alive--and still drinking--almost 20 years later.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, I really strongly recommend it. It's great to have the support of others who really GET it. There is also a program called Alateen that might be good for your daughter. Therapy is great, but in Alateen she can share with peers who are also dealing with an alcoholic parent.
Hugs, hope you will stick around. Glad you're here.
My story of life with my second husband mirrors yours in many ways. Ours was a short-lived marriage (we lived together for only several months after getting married--we married during a sober hiatus after he, too, nearly died as a result of liver/kidney failure related to alcohol). Fortunately we had no kids and all the property--such as we had--was mine. The last straw for me was when, after he'd lost his job and couldn't be bothered to find another (preferring to drink), and I was looking for a SECOND job to support us, he signed a new lease on the house we were renting after I'd explicitly told him not to--that we could no longer afford the rent.
I left, and have never regretted it. Somehow he is still alive--and still drinking--almost 20 years later.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, I really strongly recommend it. It's great to have the support of others who really GET it. There is also a program called Alateen that might be good for your daughter. Therapy is great, but in Alateen she can share with peers who are also dealing with an alcoholic parent.
Hugs, hope you will stick around. Glad you're here.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Wow Kalex, you're doing the right thing, definitely. And be blessed he's letting you both go knowing how gone he is and isn't fighting it. I really hope you won't be in any way responsible for his big hospital bills??
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by kalex 
I'm glad you brought up my daughter. I worry so much about her. We have always been so, so close and even though she is almost 15, she has never gone through the hating mom phase I expected. She has seen many fights and knows the full situation with her dad. The arrest and month in the hospital was hard/impossible to hide. She is a straight A student with awesome friends. I try to bring up how sorry I am that things have turned out this way and she acts like she doesn't care. She just shuts down, makes a joke about how emotional I am, and leaves quickly. I would like her to speak with a counselor, but she is adamant she is fine. She is very, very loving towards me, icy to her dad, and honestly, the sanest person in our home.
I do feel so very guilty that this experience has deeply affected her somehow, yet she is the "perfect child." I will make sure she sees a therapist once this is all over...someone who is not me or her dad she can vent to. She has always held her feelings close to the vest while I always let everything out and then some. I think this is just her personality as she has always been like this...very calm and controlled...but I am wracked with nerves we've ruined her somehow I can't see. I love her so very, very much and wanted her to have the perfect childhood.
Alcoholism just sucks.
BUT... you are SO RIGHT to get her into therapy at some point. In high school I was joyful, but I never admitted to sadness. My latent grief over losing my dad to alcoholism resulted in marrying my alcoholic dad's double. AH looks like my dad and has many of the same characteristics, including the alcoholism. When I started dating him, my mother cried herself to sleep for weeks.
You are doing the absolute best thing for your daughter RIGHT NOW, and I'm sure she knows it.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Sending support as its sound like such a sad situation to be experiencing, Its great you and your daughter are close, and wonderful she is doing so well in school and thriving. I have a close relationship with my mother and its a true blessing. Its a great idea to think about therapy at a later date also. Wishing peace for all of you.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Also sending support. You are absolutely doing the right thing for your daughter. Yes, she will carry a lot of baggage because of her family situation up to now, but by bringing it to an end, you are showing her (through your actions) that she deserves a better life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 11
FeelingGreat, you are right and I need to think of it this way. I keep fighting him to get up off the couch and HELP us, and he refuses. Here it is, almost three days after I posted this and I have managed to get the entire house ready BY MYSELF (we have a large house as my husband was previously a good earner) and apply for numerous jobs to support my daughter and myself. I have three freelance jobs lined up already and a potential salaried one that will ensure my daughter and I remain insured. As I speak, I have done all the jobs I asked him to complete and he is lying moaning on the couch--literally--as he has done for days.
He gave me the gift of realizing our lives will be truly better without him. I still wish him well, although I'm considerably angrier as more time passes and the shock of it all ebbs. But at least this made me realize I--just me--can do what is needed to secure happiness and security for my daughter and me. Living in dysfunction obscured that fact.
I truly do appreciate your comment. You nailed it.
He gave me the gift of realizing our lives will be truly better without him. I still wish him well, although I'm considerably angrier as more time passes and the shock of it all ebbs. But at least this made me realize I--just me--can do what is needed to secure happiness and security for my daughter and me. Living in dysfunction obscured that fact.
I truly do appreciate your comment. You nailed it.
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SoloMio, I am near tears reading your response. Thanks so much for chiming in as your experience is exactly what I worry about: that this horribly dysfunctional situation has normalized things that should never be normalized. I am so sorry you had to repeat such a bad pattern despite the efforts of your loving and responsible mother. Do you think therapy would have helped you avoid this? It is hard to tell my daughter this is NOT how an honorable man behaves when she sees such bad behavior exhibited everyday. Yet I do tell her that and try to spend as much time as we can with my mom and dad, who have been married 53 years. My mom has MS and my dad has stepped up and supported her and loved her, even doing all of the cooking and shopping now. They have a beautiful marriage I try to expose her to as often as possible.
I really don't care a fig how this all affects me. None of this is fair to my daughter, who should have had a carefree childhood. Thanks so much for your honesty. I appreciate any and all advice on handling this going forward, especially as you seem to be similar personality types. I've always been a "let-it-all-outer" to a fault. She holds it in and that worries me.
I really don't care a fig how this all affects me. None of this is fair to my daughter, who should have had a carefree childhood. Thanks so much for your honesty. I appreciate any and all advice on handling this going forward, especially as you seem to be similar personality types. I've always been a "let-it-all-outer" to a fault. She holds it in and that worries me.
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