sobersolstice

I can't do this anymore. It's 5pm on a Saturday, and I haven't eaten yet. I went out last night with my best friend of 20 years after someone stood me up on a date who I really liked. This triggered me, and my bestie wanted to go out to a rooftop bar. Interestingly, she just wanted to hang out, so she didn't drink. I had two strong margaritas, and drinks beforehand to unwind. We went out for sushi afterward and I had a few more beers. Then I went home and had more. Now I'm debilitated to the point that I'm defecating myself with the runs trying to make it to the toilet and throwing up water in the tub while trying to use the toilet, then slipping in my own vomit and hurting my knee.

I'm just really angry at myself. I wish I could be vulgar in here just to express how stupid this whole thing has been. I've never felt anger to the point of breaking down into tears. I am utterly po'd at MYSELF. It's not my parents, it's not my friends, It's ME. What am I doing? I have one shot at this life, and I'm f-ing it up! My thirties are almost gone and I have very little to show for it. Who has a roommate at age 40? I'm functioning at 15%... barely enough to live. I just had to punch myself in the face to remind myself what I'm doing. I'm just punching myself in the face over and over and over with this drinking nonsense. What am I doing with my life? Ruining it. What a stupid way to live! It's just dumb. Apparently I'm an idiot, but I should know better than that. I don't need booze before I go out with my best friend, making her wait while I come up with excuses as to why I'm late. That's cowardly. I spilled a beer on my laptop last night to boot. I look at myself in the mirror and shake my head. I need to get rid of the b.s., the relapses, write things down, and take this anger toward a positive end. I've been very introspective lately, and have set a goal toward becoming a personal trainer; and for the longest time, I've put it off due to this drug. I want to be stronger, and live to my full potential. It's not the alcohol that's at fault. It's that I've been putting ethanol in my bloodstream; a flammable liquid. What??? I NEED to get it together!!!!

Day 1.

tomsteve

ss, sllloooow down and stop beating yourself up! it is NOT part of ANY solution for untreated alcoholism.
so, onto solutions.
1st things 1st, imo, is realize your not a bad person, but a sick one.
now the next step:
"I NEED to get it together!!!!'
WANT to get it together- be willing to go to ANY length for voctory over alcohol.
now the next step:
look into the recovery programs/plans available.
i highly suggest not just looking,though. from what ive read here, just looking at or looking into programs/plans seems to be followed by, "day 1 again" threads from many people here.
then get into action.

"Who has a roommate at age 40?"
many people. its nothing to be ashamed of.

one more thing:
its not dumb. its not stupid.
just sick, but there IS a solution.

one more more thing:
throw out the arse kikin machine.

Beedebea

Today is my first day too, it sounds like we had similar starts to the day! I'm such a newbie that I don't have any great advice. I just wanted to let you know that I get it! Why have I done this to myself? It's not luck I'm having fun, I'm drinking alone instead of going out and having a life. Today I realized that it's time to admit that I have a serious drinking problem and it's time to stop.

Try to forgive yourself and take care. We can do this! One day and I'm already amazed by the support here. Hugs!

Anna

Yeah, the name-calling is a problem. Treating yourself that way is not good for the long run. It's going to bring you back to drinking again. Alcoholism is not a character flaw. Focus on what you can and will do tonight and tomorrow to start off in a positive direction.

SoberAggie83

I too am on day following a relapse. I'm so disgusted with myself. I went to a meeting and hat really helped. I called my sponsor and have been praying a lot. I feel nauseous with no appetite. I want more for myself, my kids, and my career.i am sorry you too are going through it.

sobersolstice

I'm at wit's end. I need tough love right now, and I have to give myself a dose of it. At this point, if I'm not hard on myself, I'll give in and drink. I've had my fair share of good times when I drank, but I have to remember all of the times I have messed up, and how much time I've lost due to this horrendous drug. My big question is, why does anyone do this? It's a freaking mystery. I've dumped out every bit of liquor in the house without qualm.

During my longest phase of sobriety (6 months), I was surrounded by friends, made new ones, had a great relationship, memory was on point, my body grew stronger and almost won the Golden Gloves in Boxing in 2012 in Denver. I must FIGHT this affliction. It is the ENEMY.

THE ENEMY MUST BE DESTROYED.

tomsteve

ok, ya want tough love?
then quit screwin around and start lookin into recovery programs NOW.

youre worth it.

thomas11

Sounds like your into health and fitness. I am as well. I can tell that you can be a drinker or be physically fit, but not both. I've tried. If you value your health more than a temporary buzz, it should make quitting a bit easier. You must have made a serious commitment to become a great boxer, the same will be required to quit drinking. Its not a half ass game. Sobriety is full throttle seriousness about getting alcohol out of your life.

I also concur with most other folks, beating yourself up doesn't get you sober, but if it makes you feel better temporarily, I understand that.

Tynesider22

I like to think of it like a very long boxing match. Each day is a round.

For several rounds now, you've been winning, you're champ, your opponent hasn't had a look in, then somehow, they had a good one, give you the old one two, got on the scoreboard.

So, what do you do? You don't quit. You go back to your corner. Regroup, refresh and get back out there!

Tomorrow is another day, you can do this.

Hevyn

Don't forget this episode, Sobersolstice - write down how you feel right now. Unfortunately, our memories fade as time passes. Then the next time we want to anesthetize ourselves we've forgotten the horrible results of caving. You sound disgusted enough to let this be it - and it can be. Let's try this again.

August252015

THIS.

What's the plan for today - for tomorrow when it comes? Don't drink, go to a meeting, go to sleep....repeat. Do whatever it takes to fill in the hours you are awake.

Being mad at ourselves - or an extension of this, which is really self-pity run wild- keeps us drinking. Even if you have to pretend you aren't disgusted with yourself at first- if you go the AA route, for example, you have plenty of time to deal with that stuff in step 4 and on- focus on NOT DRINKING. Repeat.

You can do this and you don't EVER have to be here again.

ScottFromWI

How about instead of tough love and defeating enemies you channel that energy into making sobriety your number one priority. Accept your addiction for what it is and take action via whatever resources you can get access to.

You are a business owner....apply some of the crisis management skills you would use in your work to the crisis you have in your life.

sobersolstice

I have a journal I've been keeping, and it's been about a year since I've written in it, but read a good bit, which is mostly how I've felt during drinking, the next day, the jobs I've been fired from, the relationships I've lost. I have a binder with plans in progress. Sometimes I have trouble figuring out what to plan, but an overall change in my mind-frame and changes in my lifestyle are critical. For tonight, I will be drinking water and gingerale. I'm nauseaus, but know I need calories to curb cravings, so I went to get some of my favorite food (fish tacos). I'll be riding the AV waves (I used to surf) and paddle back out when the swell dwindles to keep from getting crushed.

AnvilheadII

margaritas, sushi and beer - i'm surprised you are alive! that sounds so dreadful. coulda been a nice night with your friend, get together, have some sushi, get home safe.

and this started again because..........you got stood up. is this whoever guy WORTH the crap you are going thru RIGHT NOW? is it EVER?

drinking needs to be taken OFF the table for good. NO MATTER WHAT. as soon as you are able, clean yourself up and find some type of recovery support.

sobersolstice

I'm 100% putting that energy into sobriety, I just am wired differently where apathy becomes my enemy the same way alcohol does. One thing I do know, and believe many of you are alluding to is that I need to respect myself, my health, and truly understand how to love myself again so that I don't make these mistakes in life. I'm generally not an angry person. I'm just upset with myself for giving in and losing so many times to the sauce. I KNOW I can WIN. Just like showing up, I just need not to put it my body and feed off of the positive energy that will eventually come. I just know I need to FIGHT and take this very, very seriously. I must live to my full potential in order to love myself more. Today's hangover was a reminder. I have written down what I did today, and how I felt. I can say "I'm never drinking again" due to a hangover, but I've heard that from many people that continue drinking. I see it as a poisoned state of being that is debilitating; a waste of life. Long term damage is likely already done. I must not forget how amazing life can be. I remember seeing the eyes of kids I've coached as a climbing coach, unhindered by poison. The bright happy smiles and clear eyes. I can't rewind time, but I can make the best of what's next. The next second, minute, hour, day... I need to re-wire my thinking toward a positive direction. The FIRST thing that needs to be addressed is my drinking.

sobersolstice

I'm a guy, so that last minute date cancellation was upsetting. Now that I think about it with a sober mind, she currently doesn't deserve to deal with my alcoholism. I would only hurt her psychologically with my addiction, and no one deserves that. Only after a strong stint of sobriety (maybe a year?) will I be ready to be in a fulfilling relationship with another non-drinker. Hopefully a non-drinker that just doesn't like alcohol. I must gain control over my life before I can contribute to another life in a positive way.

dwtbd

I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind. No hangover, haven't had one in a while. Actually since the first day I said it, wouldn't /couldn't happen till I said it. Don't need to say it publicly, best said to yourself really.
Channel your energy toward saying it, won't happen until you do.
Wish you well, you can do it

sobersolstice

I said it to myself, and I got this strange and brief adrenaline rush from it I've never felt before. I said it in my head with my fists clenched and my heart started racing. It was a feeling I will never forget.

Dee74

Welcome back sobersolstice

Over the years I got closer and closer to the point where no reason was good enough for a drink...

I really hope you're there now too.

If this is newstart 2.0 then make those changes you know you need to make

Leave no stone unturned, no avenue of help is too great an effort...the more you put into your recovery and staying sober the more you'll get back

D

Dee74

Welcome to you SoberAggie
great to have you join us as well - feel free to start your own thread too - you'll get more support that way

D