My way to silence the AV.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 33
My way to silence the AV.
I am a recent poster, going on 40 days as of tonight. I am happy that I found this forum, it has helped a lot.
I just wanted to say something to those who are close to where I am, i.e. 5-6 weeks, early months, but have a long history, like I do, i.e. years or decades.
It is about being prepared. Being alert and ready.
I know from past experience that those of us challenged in this way, (or I at least), have a tendency to find an excuse, a trigger, an experience, whatever to seek an opportunity to pick up the glass again. We also like to rationalize: “I did so well for so long, I am sure I could have just one..” is the one that plagued me in the past. Or, when some bad news hits and all your determination gets thrown out the window in a split second. Out comes the booze and you actually feel like there was no other way, and you say, "I’ll stop again tomorrow."
Except, in every one those cases, I did not. In fact, I drank more than before each time I re-started.
I don’t remember going this long for a long time, if not ever since college. SR has been a tremendous help and I really want to thank all that have helped along these past few weeks.
So, the thing I wanted to say was about this, i.e. being prepared. Because this sneaky part of me, this AV, this inner voice, is just that.. So sneaky. So ready to give you the nudge, to push you ever so slightly. I try to recognize this, and I found a way to deal with it. Firstly, I try to remain alert and sensitive to it, but more importantly I have a memory, one which is full of pain, and I keep it alive. It’s from the last time I drank. I keep that memory tucked so close to me that at the first sight of this AV; it comes blaring into my conscious and it’s like a shield that protects me. It’s a sad memory, but I chose to keep it close. May be this is not so healthy, but it has worked so far.
I hope I won’t need it one day, and I can let is sort of slip away a bit farther away, but for now, that’s my strongest weapon.
Just wanted to tell you about it.
T.
I just wanted to say something to those who are close to where I am, i.e. 5-6 weeks, early months, but have a long history, like I do, i.e. years or decades.
It is about being prepared. Being alert and ready.
I know from past experience that those of us challenged in this way, (or I at least), have a tendency to find an excuse, a trigger, an experience, whatever to seek an opportunity to pick up the glass again. We also like to rationalize: “I did so well for so long, I am sure I could have just one..” is the one that plagued me in the past. Or, when some bad news hits and all your determination gets thrown out the window in a split second. Out comes the booze and you actually feel like there was no other way, and you say, "I’ll stop again tomorrow."
Except, in every one those cases, I did not. In fact, I drank more than before each time I re-started.
I don’t remember going this long for a long time, if not ever since college. SR has been a tremendous help and I really want to thank all that have helped along these past few weeks.
So, the thing I wanted to say was about this, i.e. being prepared. Because this sneaky part of me, this AV, this inner voice, is just that.. So sneaky. So ready to give you the nudge, to push you ever so slightly. I try to recognize this, and I found a way to deal with it. Firstly, I try to remain alert and sensitive to it, but more importantly I have a memory, one which is full of pain, and I keep it alive. It’s from the last time I drank. I keep that memory tucked so close to me that at the first sight of this AV; it comes blaring into my conscious and it’s like a shield that protects me. It’s a sad memory, but I chose to keep it close. May be this is not so healthy, but it has worked so far.
I hope I won’t need it one day, and I can let is sort of slip away a bit farther away, but for now, that’s my strongest weapon.
Just wanted to tell you about it.
T.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Thank you for sharing T. I've got 59 days and tonight my sneaky AV has tried it's damndest. First real attack I've had this time around. The fear has kept going up until tonight. I have expected something for a while now as my pattern has been to cave once the memories subside. Not this time though. Recognising the thoughts and working through it all is helping. Reminding myself why I am doing it. Reminding myself that I have a deadly addiction. Seeing it for what it is. A dying addiction having a tantrum......
Keep doing what you're doing......and and every trick is helpful xx
Keep doing what you're doing......and and every trick is helpful xx
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Congrats on 40 days sober! 
I too have a bad memory of the last time I drank.
I also keep it in the forefront of my brain so that any time I think of drinking (which is rare now), the memory reminds me of where I never want to be again. 
I too have a bad memory of the last time I drank.
I also keep it in the forefront of my brain so that any time I think of drinking (which is rare now), the memory reminds me of where I never want to be again. Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Tankersfull, congratulations on 40 days sober! It's so important to be aware and vigilant. I don't think what you are doing is unhealthy because I think it's too easy to say, 'well, it seems I can do this so what's the big deal'. As long as you don't allow the memories to plaque you with guilt and shame, you should be fine.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London
Posts: 2,040
Congratulations Tankersfull on 40 days 🎉🎉🎉
I made a video message for my future sober self whilst still experiencing the physical, emotional and psychological effects of my last binge (an 11 hours binge!!!) to watch whenever I have an urge to drink. This video message is a reminder of the darkness I have left behind and is in my top #3 tools to turn to when the AV pipes up!!!! So a similar tool to your memory you keep close.
Wishing you well on the rest of your recovery journey x
I made a video message for my future sober self whilst still experiencing the physical, emotional and psychological effects of my last binge (an 11 hours binge!!!) to watch whenever I have an urge to drink. This video message is a reminder of the darkness I have left behind and is in my top #3 tools to turn to when the AV pipes up!!!! So a similar tool to your memory you keep close.
Wishing you well on the rest of your recovery journey x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
I like the idea of leaving myself a video message! Wish I had one of when I was drunk...so I could see what an idiot I looked like!
I currently think of the feeling I have when I wake up in the morning...hungover, shaky, anxiety through the roof...
I currently think of the feeling I have when I wake up in the morning...hungover, shaky, anxiety through the roof...
Keep Going
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: England
Posts: 1,530
Great post T and congratulations. 
I'm about the same time as you after a couple of decades of drinking. The last four years... Mamma Mia. I guess everyone here knows about consequences. It's a bit dramatic, but I thought my soul was dying those last few weeks coming out of blackout and reaching for the bottle.
I'm already beginning to forget my withdrawal though. How I can forget that fear I don't know. I don't forget the alcohol. Pretty bottles, pretty colours. It's like evergreen.
And my head is so dishonest it seems to set me up to drink subconsciously.
I've just dedicated myself to recovery stuff. Here, sponsor, CDs of speakers, 90 in 90, anything to stop me thinking obsessively.
I'm no good at writing but maybe I'll record some of it on my phone to listen to.
Thanks for that really helpful post.
I'm about the same time as you after a couple of decades of drinking. The last four years... Mamma Mia. I guess everyone here knows about consequences. It's a bit dramatic, but I thought my soul was dying those last few weeks coming out of blackout and reaching for the bottle.I'm already beginning to forget my withdrawal though. How I can forget that fear I don't know. I don't forget the alcohol. Pretty bottles, pretty colours. It's like evergreen.
And my head is so dishonest it seems to set me up to drink subconsciously.
I've just dedicated myself to recovery stuff. Here, sponsor, CDs of speakers, 90 in 90, anything to stop me thinking obsessively.
I'm no good at writing but maybe I'll record some of it on my phone to listen to.
Thanks for that really helpful post.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Originally Posted by Tankersfull 
So, the thing I wanted to say was about this, i.e. being prepared. Because this sneaky part of me, this AV, this inner voice, is just that.. So sneaky. So ready to give you the nudge, to push you ever so slightly. I try to recognize this, and I found a way to deal with it. Firstly, I try to remain alert and sensitive to it, but more importantly I have a memory, one which is full of pain, and I keep it alive. It’s from the last time I drank. I keep that memory tucked so close to me that at the first sight of this AV; it comes blaring into my conscious and it’s like a shield that protects me. It’s a sad memory, but I chose to keep it close. May be this is not so healthy, but it has worked so far.
I hope I won’t need it one day, and I can let is sort of slip away a bit farther away, but for now, that’s my strongest weapon.
Just wanted to tell you about it.
T.
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