New to the forum. Struggling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2
New to the forum. Struggling
Hello everyone!
My name is Jacqueline. I am an alcoholic. I went to rehab when I was 25. I remained sober for four years. Through a tramautic breakup. In that four years I got a career, I lost 70 pounds I had gained from drinking got back to 110. I got a car, I began a life. About a year ago i moved out on my own, out of my moms and I tried my hand at online dating and alcohol reared its head in. I have social anxiety, panic disorder and depression. I began to be able to hide it as no one was watching. Over a year now I've been in one long relapse. I'll have 12 days, 10 days, 7 days, 4 days, 6 days. Back to 12 days. I have a great career and I can't afford rehab again. AA meetings, yikes I get so shy and nervous. I did about 20 a few months ago. I've read the big book had a sponser. I work with an addiction specialist therapist who I don't even tell any more about my slips, as I know what she'll say. Rehab. My family knows about some of my slips and it's kills them. The shame and guilt I feel is so intense all the time, I have so much worry and anxiety about my drinking. I always think if only my family really knew. And that guilt is gut wrenching to carry around. I'm terrified what if I can't stop. It's not fun anymore. It doesn't take the stress work edge off because I can't stop with one or two shots worth. I wake up and journal promising myself I won't ever do this again and pray on my knees to my higher power. Today is day 1. So much drinking guilt, heart flutters, anxiety, stomach in knots, tears in my eyes. I've been working on my self worth for years w my therapist. My dark addictive voice talks to me and it's loud. And I try the HALT. I always say in my writing I will read these if I feel like drinking to remember how awful it is. I will feel mentally emotionally hungover for two days. But nope I don't read it. I get in this "nothing can stop me I'm getting something to drink, so what? you drink once a week, come I'll make you feel better, take all the pain and anxiety away" the vicious cycle. I just wanted to share, making the step to be here. Words of encouragement would be so helpful right now. I feel so so so alone in this fight. Like an alien. I would give anything for 30 days. The pain of addiction is severe. I tend to get very stuck in the shame and guilt and self loathing aspect. And I'm a beautiful person with the biggest heart and I'm hurting myself. I'm in deep suffering. Why can't I do this anymore ? I did it before? I never even thought about alcohol. I don't want it to take me down to where it's just me and it and I loose everything. I know I'll never give up. Anyone feel this way? Hugs and love to all who are struggling.
My name is Jacqueline. I am an alcoholic. I went to rehab when I was 25. I remained sober for four years. Through a tramautic breakup. In that four years I got a career, I lost 70 pounds I had gained from drinking got back to 110. I got a car, I began a life. About a year ago i moved out on my own, out of my moms and I tried my hand at online dating and alcohol reared its head in. I have social anxiety, panic disorder and depression. I began to be able to hide it as no one was watching. Over a year now I've been in one long relapse. I'll have 12 days, 10 days, 7 days, 4 days, 6 days. Back to 12 days. I have a great career and I can't afford rehab again. AA meetings, yikes I get so shy and nervous. I did about 20 a few months ago. I've read the big book had a sponser. I work with an addiction specialist therapist who I don't even tell any more about my slips, as I know what she'll say. Rehab. My family knows about some of my slips and it's kills them. The shame and guilt I feel is so intense all the time, I have so much worry and anxiety about my drinking. I always think if only my family really knew. And that guilt is gut wrenching to carry around. I'm terrified what if I can't stop. It's not fun anymore. It doesn't take the stress work edge off because I can't stop with one or two shots worth. I wake up and journal promising myself I won't ever do this again and pray on my knees to my higher power. Today is day 1. So much drinking guilt, heart flutters, anxiety, stomach in knots, tears in my eyes. I've been working on my self worth for years w my therapist. My dark addictive voice talks to me and it's loud. And I try the HALT. I always say in my writing I will read these if I feel like drinking to remember how awful it is. I will feel mentally emotionally hungover for two days. But nope I don't read it. I get in this "nothing can stop me I'm getting something to drink, so what? you drink once a week, come I'll make you feel better, take all the pain and anxiety away" the vicious cycle. I just wanted to share, making the step to be here. Words of encouragement would be so helpful right now. I feel so so so alone in this fight. Like an alien. I would give anything for 30 days. The pain of addiction is severe. I tend to get very stuck in the shame and guilt and self loathing aspect. And I'm a beautiful person with the biggest heart and I'm hurting myself. I'm in deep suffering. Why can't I do this anymore ? I did it before? I never even thought about alcohol. I don't want it to take me down to where it's just me and it and I loose everything. I know I'll never give up. Anyone feel this way? Hugs and love to all who are struggling.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome Jacqueline 
This forum really made a difference for me - it was wonderful to know that people understood and it was a place where I felt I could be completely honest.
SR helped me turn my life around and stay in recovery
I'm glad you've found us
D
This forum really made a difference for me - it was wonderful to know that people understood and it was a place where I felt I could be completely honest.
SR helped me turn my life around and stay in recovery
I'm glad you've found us
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Hello,
Welcome to SR.
For one, you are not alone. Two, I have been in your shoes more times than I can count. Three, you can most definitely get sober and remain sober.
We all know how hard this struggle can be. I relapsed 3 years ago. I now have a few days shy of 3 months. It was a serious battle to get here but I finally made it. The decision to quit and to listen to that decision was the most important aspect. I have not looked back.
Please keep posting and stay close. People are here 24 hrs a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Its quite awesome. Its safe.
The moderators and long term sober posters have some insights that have been extremely helpful for me on this road. I hope you find the same here.
Welcome to SR.
For one, you are not alone. Two, I have been in your shoes more times than I can count. Three, you can most definitely get sober and remain sober.
We all know how hard this struggle can be. I relapsed 3 years ago. I now have a few days shy of 3 months. It was a serious battle to get here but I finally made it. The decision to quit and to listen to that decision was the most important aspect. I have not looked back.
Please keep posting and stay close. People are here 24 hrs a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Its quite awesome. Its safe.
The moderators and long term sober posters have some insights that have been extremely helpful for me on this road. I hope you find the same here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
Welcome J. I do not think meetings are something I would choose to do- but it is available and even because it gets me out of my headspace helps. I know many people who do not succeed for any length of rime because they try to stop alone on will power. Also- you need to be honest with your therapist- because it means you are then being honest with yourself. SMART is also good. Keep posting. Support to you.
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,384
Glad you made the SR scene, Jacqueline! It can be very difficult at first, for sure. Hang in there. Post here on SR when you're feeling bad or want to share stuff etc., people here are eager to help.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Jacqueline, and welcome.
I read the big book too. It was one of the first things I did when I went to AA. However, nobody told me it was a text book, so I read it like a novel and pretty much missed the point.
There was one bit that stuck though. This is in the context of a 22 year old, with the mind of a 13 year old, who had a head full of scrambled eggs, and absolutely no idea what to do. It talked about rigorous honesty. It said people could be seriously mentally ill, and they could still get well if they had the capacity to be honest.
Call me gullible, but I really believed this. I didn't like the idea, it looked painful, but I absolutely believed that honesty was essential in recovery. So I was as honest as I could be within my limited understanding of what honesty actually was.
I just came back from my last relapse and my sponsor to be saw me and commented on how well I looked. I said really, ? I've just come off a four day bender. What would have been the point in trying to hide that fact?
The reason I had relapsed was that I had not yet found the solution. My sponsor needed to know that in order to help me. Just like the medical profession, if we ain't honest, we won't get the help we really need.
I read the big book too. It was one of the first things I did when I went to AA. However, nobody told me it was a text book, so I read it like a novel and pretty much missed the point.
There was one bit that stuck though. This is in the context of a 22 year old, with the mind of a 13 year old, who had a head full of scrambled eggs, and absolutely no idea what to do. It talked about rigorous honesty. It said people could be seriously mentally ill, and they could still get well if they had the capacity to be honest.
Call me gullible, but I really believed this. I didn't like the idea, it looked painful, but I absolutely believed that honesty was essential in recovery. So I was as honest as I could be within my limited understanding of what honesty actually was.
I just came back from my last relapse and my sponsor to be saw me and commented on how well I looked. I said really, ? I've just come off a four day bender. What would have been the point in trying to hide that fact?
The reason I had relapsed was that I had not yet found the solution. My sponsor needed to know that in order to help me. Just like the medical profession, if we ain't honest, we won't get the help we really need.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Welcome Jacqueline, I'm so glad you found us here. There are so many supports available, and this site is one of the good ones. Read and post each day. Check out the monthly class June of 2017 and you will find the support of others who have also committed or recommitted to sobriety this month. Another great place to check in each day is the 24 hour thread. You will find lots of support on there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
Hi Jacqueline and welcome to SR.
There's absolutely no need to feel alone in your struggle, we've all been there.
You've done it once and you can do it again. Have faith in yourself and miracles will happen, of that, I'm absolutely certain.
Good luck on your sober journey
There's absolutely no need to feel alone in your struggle, we've all been there.
You've done it once and you can do it again. Have faith in yourself and miracles will happen, of that, I'm absolutely certain.
Good luck on your sober journey
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